I laid in my bed and I was thinking through multiple things that seemed so disjointed... it felt like my mind was just wandering over a ton of different unrelated topics... but then... I love how so many times there is a but then....
One of the things I have been processing lately is just this concept... within a culture there is a set of behaviors and guidelines and common beliefs and there are some things that one can just gravitate towards believing or receiving as truth without really looking very specifically at each element.....
Ok ... so I have been processing many things from the paradigm from which I see the world and interact within it... to just small every day things... to relationships... to and the list went on and on....
As I processed through things thoughts drifted toward something I have shared recently about some stuff that I thought God was going to do personally within my life...
( now while I share ever so freely about experiences that I walk through and the love of the Father I don't often share those things....)
Mainly because I've learned when it comes to hearing God specifically for me in regards to something He is going to do versus just being in relationship with Him I have been wrong before... or let me put it this way the elapse of so much time has had me think I have been wrong.. the time between feeling like He has said something and it happening can at times be a very tricky thing to navigate....
So I was thinking about that... ok I shared this thing with someone what if I am wrong? Question number 1... What if I am wrong and they draw all these conclusions about me (wouldn't be the first time :) ) Question 2.... what if I am wrong and they draw all these conclusions about me and then share with others that they think I'm full of it? Question number 3.....
Jump to another scenario I was thinking through how in relaying some information I got some details wrong... I just simply remembered wrong.... YET.... here comes the processing.... "oh goodness why did I think that?" (question number 1) I can't believe I remembered it that way.... (thought 1).. What are they going to think about me? (question number 2)
And within this time of thinking through things... I began to process the way through which I process and then it came ....this fear ... this concern.... what if I am not as healed as I thought? (question number 1) What if I am as healed as I thought but my mind just didn't develop in certain ways and I don't think right? (question number 2) What would that mean ? (question number 3)
As I laid there thinking through who I am as well as things I believe and think it dawned upon me I was standing at the most incredible moment... here were all these doubts... here were some mistakes.. here were some risks I had taken... here was my life.... was I holding it up to be judged... what was I doing....
Then He spoke.... and weight after weight fell off of me as if now a thousand tons worth of barbells had toppled to the ground.... what if all these things you are afraid of happened? What if you weren't as healed as you thought? What if ... What if.... What if.....
I lay there and I closed my eyes and I found performance and anxiety and fear being broken off of me in such profoundly deep ways that I just shook my head and received His truth and His love....
I AM going to make mistakes... I am going to look foolish sometimes... a lot of times.... most of the time... :) I am going to leap.. and risk.. and jump and believe.... I was mentally ill so what if my mind still has the effects of that... so what if my mind didn't develop fully? Am I defined by any of these things?
Am I defined by my mistakes? Am I defined by my failures? Am I defined by my past? Am I defined by my successes? Am I defined by how well I do... how well I speak?
I don't have to be afraid and I don't have to hide behind some false notion of who I am as to protect the essence of who I am..... I am going to live my life... and make the mistakes and live honestly and openly and transparently before my God and those He brings across my path.. and if my ways are simple or my ways are naive ... I've entered into this life making this decision that I would rather walk the way I walk than any other way.... It is how I know Him... It is the best way at this point in my life that I know to walk...
I have nothing within myself to protect... He is my protector
I have nothing within my life to prove... He is my proof
I have nothing within myself to sustain... He is my life
There is a simple and complete joy that reverberates throughout my being and a freedom to know I can walk this day and the next day and the next and I am free to make mistakes.... and I am free to fall and I am free to fail.... I am free from the prison of the whatifs and the should of .. would of.. could of... and my goodness the air never tasted so sweet.............
2 comments:
I sure needed this today.
As an example of how badly I needed this today, and of the skewed place my head is at as a result of my many fears--one of the things that was coming to my mind as I was reading this is how unfortunate it is that the Body of Christ is not a safe place. I am likley to be eaten alive by people with honestly good intentions, wearing smiles. But then it occurred to me that the only power to hurt me that such a situation contains lies in my fear of what people think.
My perception creates realities I need not submit to.
Oh Dennis isn't that a lesson we could all learn over and over again.... and then in prayer submit to the truth that that which He knows of us and says of us is truly the strongest reality.... have you ever read Max Lucado's childrens book, You are special? It is a fabulous example of this... the last pages always have me in tears
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