Friday, December 31, 2010

It was like the startled feeling when warm feet just out of the evening's blankets hit the very cold tile flooring in the bathroom..... Wrapped up in the warmth of the moment a word entered the scene and all grogginess was lost as a tone in His voice was different and brought me completely awake and held my attention...

He had recently spoken two aspects of what was on His heart for me and I was moving through one of them in strength but as much as I was walking forward with the one I wasn't with the other... Giving myself time and leeway in the name of grace...

Side note here...... MAJOR side note..... I do not at all feel condemnation .... I do not at all feel the lack of grace .... And there are mountains of grace and mercy for all to enter into the things of our Lord...

This was different though and it was important for Him to bring His point to bare upon my soul..... Remember mercy triumphs over judgement and where sin abounds so does grace....

This morning a sternness in His frame and the tone of His voice relaid how serious He was concerning His other request..... I did not feel the fear of punishment nor did I feel the condemnation of "letting Him down" as if that were possible.... Only old authority issues that had existed would have played that scene out that way....

No you see this is why we need to know Him for who He is and not ascribe the nature of man to Him..... He is consistent.... Ever so consistent in His love and affections and through that aspect of His nature He disciplines those He loves.......

This correction was even in it's stern nature a most loving act... I have declared time and time again with my mouth and my words that I want what He wants .... My feet and my actions and the reality of my life must do the same.....

More in the next blog post of that which is this message.... There is an incredibly vital aspect of receiving His authority into our lives ....

The fall of Jericho came because the people were obedient to His instructions as was the defeat at Ai because one wasn't.... In the days of Acts people died because they lied in the presence of what God was asking.....

I need to treat the words of God and His instructions as though they are what they are ... I'm not speaking about Jericho battles or the details of direction when it came to building the ark or the temple BUT maybe He is....

Please remember the depths of His love and His grace but what about the instructions on how to live with Him and others.... I have come more and more into life and joy as I have just simply brought my life under His direction....

There is no need for special revelation here for it is all written plainly.... Colossians chapter 3 is but one amazing example...... What if we treated those words of what to not do and what to do as if they were life and death.... What if we took to heart the words of Isaiah ? What would it look like to have light burst forth like the dawn and healing come like the noon day sun? We can't pick and choose what parts of God we want to follow.... If He is our God then He is Lord as well as Savior, Redeemer and friend.....

It is time to grow and mature and as always it is His love that paves the way... A Father calling with all His strength and might for His people... For His sons and daughters to arise.... For us all to bare forth His image as we were always created to do..... It is His crazy.. PHENOMENAL love calling us towards Him but the road is narrow... But His heart beacons Please.... Please my child .... Please walk on it.... It is the best way.....

Thursday, December 30, 2010

His rule and His authority are most delightful.... His "no" so very needed

I love the aspect of God that brings His tenderness and His passion into that which surrounds me and yet this morning it was different.... 

There were times when Jim and I would sit in this one living room of a house we lived in in NJ   and the presence of God would be so thick that we couldn't even see each other across the room....

When we went to sell that house people would come in and after awhile know it wasn't for them and yet they would stand in that room and not want to leave.. And not know why......

This morning His presence felt the most like that that I have felt in a while..... While He carries His affections with Him always,  He also carries His authority and this morning it was so more about His authority...

The sheer strength of it had me on the floor .... And this was what it was about....

I love His affections..... I don't think I could find my breath without His tenderness... Yet He is also  Lord...

And out of my mouth I began to pray... 

Father I do not just receive Your compassion... I do not just receive Your affections... I do not just receive Your love... I receive Your right to tell me no, Your capacity to put me on the most narrow of roads... I receive Your correction, Your discipline, Your authority..... I want You to shape me ... I want You to lead me, I want Your no in my life as much as I hunger for Your affection.... You are my God and I submit to You as such.... 

There is a season coming where we will become very well acquainted with the fear of the Lord and realize that The gentle Lamb is also the very one who ordered the Universe and by His word it is held together....

We want to walk in His magnificent gifts and yet do we watch our tongues and the words that come out of our mouths?  We want to see His amazing manifestations and yet how do we measure up when it comes to basic Christian character or the principal of love? 

Here's part of the deal... We need to know His extravagant love so that we can receive His rule in our lives.... His rule within our lives isn't restrictive it is a glorious thing.... 

We need to embrace both the astonishing love of God and His right to call us to conform to His image ... Within those things He will manifest His Kingdom and His presence and It will be an awesome thing ....

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I rest within the arms of a King

Rest is not inactivity... Rest is the utmost action of living within Him and abiding and watching and walking and seeing and moving through the days and times alongside the very One who called the day "day"

It is an acknowledgement that though my arms and legs and life might be the vessel it is He who passes through... and whatever my life is here may it be unto Him....


These days are so full of Him and while I sit and wonder about all the activity I am made aware that whether storm or peace... whether trial or testing... whether joy or sorrow... whether in need or in abundance... whatever the days ahead hold... this presence whether felt or not.. whether seen or not... whether touchable or not exists always.... always... and I will believe that no matter what I see .. no matter what I hear... no matter what happens He is the very air I breath in and He is always strong.. and He is always determined.. and He is always available...

There are days where the capacity to experience that won't be as it is these days.... where trust and knowledge of Him will have to be walked out in faith... but I drink in these days... I absorb these days... I let all that He is permeate my very being and all that I am and I rest within the arms of a King whose love has already paved the road from this day until the very last.....

Back to the list #5 Truly a one liner.... Really ...

All cautious love .... All metered out love has been ceased.... Love unreservedly and watch how He pulls you in and changes you.... Love Him.... Love those around you... Love until it hurts than jump and risk and love some more... In an era were the love of most will grow cold let's stand in direct contrast and love like a flame so hot that it blazes forth

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Rest is the gateway to  life

Rest is a gateway to  life with Him it screams forth trust and stands as agreement

Within His sustaining presence is a love where  a strength born from abiding and seeing and knowing is found and grows through continued abiding.. Abiding is changing me.... More and more I care less of what I would tell myself is right or wrong and more and more I learn the joys of obediently following Him towards anything and everything He would ask of me

It is the knowledge of His perfect love that holds me steady while treading unfamiliar ground and it is the assurance of that love that holds me still and teaches me to gaze and in that gaze I've been changed 

Gazing has taught me to see the slightest of changes as I hunger to watch that which the Father is doing and then the cycle of rest is completely made 

He initiates.... He sustains.... We rest..... We gaze..... His peace.... His love .... His compassion .... Our choice to enter into all He invites and our choice to enter into Him.... His ways... His hunger .... His passion... And then do and walk alongside Him as He speaks forth His will

There is no better way than love ... There is no way that even comes close

I lost a life I couldn't keep and I live a life lost forever hidden in You

It is not that the landscapes of life are without their curious twists and turns.. It is that I am intimate with the one who makes them straight....

I have learned that the twists and turns that He does not make straight are twists and turns I need to journey through .... In so learning I have seen that trusting Him through everything is the best action that I could ever take...  Watching Him watching me take His hand and journey through whatever the terrain may be says this.... 

I don't even notice the terrain any more....I don't see that is the valley of the shadow of death... Or if it is truly the road to the cross and death itself.... I don't see if it is a mountain top or a green pasture filled with plenty .... I don't see any of that any more because all I see is Your gaze... Your beautiful, amazing, strengthening gaze and Your love that lives within it...

We walk ... That's what we do... We walk together here until we walk together there and we journey and we walk... Because You live and because You gaze and because You hold my hand I have been lost ... I lost a life I couldn't keep and I live a life lost forever hidden in You

You undo me every time.... Every time... Your gaze magnificent... Your love phenomenal

Laying beside you here in Gregory's room ... Corny 80s music again !! Really?!? Oh well... There are lyrics that convey His affections ... I don't care where they come from as long as they come and He enables me to see them..... So I will hear the corny 80 songs, or see that which He paints upon Creation because in all the ways He speaks the thing is He speaks and He lives and He loves and I'm just so grateful You do ... He can love on me anytime He wants... Any way He wants.... He is the air I breath ... He is the best thought... He is the most amazing God, Father,Savior, Brother, Friend.... His touch so gentle... His voice the most beautiful,amazing sound that there is, His glance undoes me... His love breaths life and courage into me... He is in all and is my all and all.... 

Thank You ... Thank You for loving me so well.... For being my God.... For allowing me to belong to You ... For giving amazing gifts... For which You simply are at the top

Thursday, December 23, 2010

pictures of hallways with paintings upon them

There are many thoughts swirling within my heart and mind this evening... awaking from a dream and the Father's voice I was brought into a very awake place and as the night as moved forward and His presence has lingered I found myself settling into the very comfortable familiar hug like aspect of my Father....... This place where warmth and peace and the most sincere of affections reside.....

Within that place I found a depth of gratitude this evening for the desert and the wilderness... for the dark nights of the soul and valleys...... I caught a glimpse of the daughter I have become because of them and for that my gratitude soared......

He who began a good work really does carry it forth.... In Him it began and in Him it will end... He gives the grace and the strength and the tender loving kindnesses.... I supply the "yes" and the "I will"......

through this journey tonight I have been touched by a depth of peace and rest that if I just simply walk as His and give Him my heart and allow Him the access He longs for then He brings about the sweetest of fragrances and the most beautiful of images... and my life becomes something I wouldn't have even known to ask for....

But that ... that part of the night is where I just lay simply before Him.... basking in His love ...... warm and secure within His embrace.... that part of the evening kept me settled... then picture after picture was brought before me as if He was sharing with me a photo album of what was on His heart and I was stirred...

I saw pictures of hallways with paintings upon them .... and I felt a sadness upon the heart of my Father.... they were portraits of the gifts and the callings of man given by God... and they were on display .... words floating in the air... I like this one.. I don't like this one... I can use this one... I am this one..... oh if I had this one.... the power of God put on display by those who would use it for their own glory or their own benefit..... the gifts and callings of God that are meant to build up the body and bring forth the Kingdom bringing forth destruction and pain because of selfish ambition and vain conceit..... bringing forth jealousy and envy and strife........

Identity is a tricky thing .... in the first part of the evening I lay in the affections of my Father's embrace as His daughter feeling the presence and the power of my Father's Kingdom and knowing that it was and is all mine..... I am His .. He is mine... we are that we are........ I don't pull upon Him I lay my affections at His feet..... I ask at times and I seek at times and I knock at times but I dwell constantly..... Through the valleys, the dark nights, the wilderness I asked one thing..... don't let it end until the work is done.... Don't let this sifting of me end until I can stand as Yours and Yours alone... until the flow of You through me would be just that and I wouldn't taint it and I wouldn't try to possess it... That I would acknowledge that it is all Yours and You have given it to me but as You would will not as I would use......

That is where my gratitude abounds.. not saying that it is fully been done but so amazed that He took my heart that so hungered for acceptance.. so used the gifts within me to get it... so found identity in what I did rather than in who I am... and transformed the heart of a slave into the heart of a daughter... whose greatest delight is to see Him.. and love Him.. and become more and more like Him.... walking this earth with Him until the time when I will walk my eternal home with Him and loving Him through all the different terrains.....

Then there was this last thing..... and I know as I write this sleep will come when this is out of me.... I am sorry..... I am sorry first to the Father... for when I used His gifts attempting some tower and it was more about selfish gain than the betterment of the Body of Christ......

But I am sorry to the leaders I have served under and the people I have supposedly served... I did not serve you well.... It was more about me than it was about you..... I wanted a place for my gifts and talents to be on display and I took more than I gave... at times I saw you as nothing more than an avenue for which to sell my petty wares..... and I did not see you as a man or a woman... as a brother or a sister as one so loved and cherished by our Father....

I am so very deeply saddened ... I performed for you at best and while I know that the Father in all of His graciousness and provision and love ministered despite me I long for something so different..... and I am sorry that that hunger didn't exist before and that instead I was hungry for a place at whatever the cost.........

I am coming to an understanding of how resting in Him is the most important aspect to the advancement of the Kingdom of God..... the battle is not ours.. never has been..... whatever avenue... whatever gifting... whatever strength.... they are nothing compared to the sons and the daughters of God knowing their Father and walking in that knowledge and His affections...... and all my previous scrambling would have never brought me to this place of sight or understanding.... only rest has... only resting in Him as shown me that it is not by might nor by power but by His Spirit.............

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

He is my Father.... I am His daughter.... #4 an inside look

It isn't a special relationship... It is just relationship...... And in Him and His love I get to see a me that I really like.... I like who I am in His eyes and that gives me courage and boldness to journey on and forward... I like knowing Him as Father.... Oh my goodness He is the best at it!!!!! I love knowing Hin as Savior!!!!! I love walking with and around the great  cloud of witnesses and all that surrounds us.... Because it is a reality I will have for all eternity....

He has given me family here on earth.... Some near and some spread so far away that my heart aches to see their faces..... But that ache also exists in my desire for Him and to  be in relationship with Him and to realize the ache in His heart too....... He is always thinking of us and He is always putting that out there... The more I have realized that the more I have seen and the more I realize He is never further away then my next breathe matter of fact He us closer than it....

Monday, December 20, 2010

Third.... And Very simply Put

You want to know the heart of God...... You want to walk as His friend.... As His son or daughter.....He has shown us what is good and what He desires for us......

Do Justice

Love Mercy

Walk humbly 

He has communicated His heart.....

Isaiah 58

 6"Is not this the fast that I choose:
    to loose the bonds of wickedness,
   to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
   and to break every yoke?
7Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
   and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
    and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
8Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
    and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
   the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
9Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
   you shall cry, and he will say, 'Here I am.'
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
    the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
10if you pour yourself out for the hungry
   and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
 then shall your light rise in the darkness
   and your gloom be as the noonday.
11And the LORD will guide you continually
   and satisfy your desire in scorched places
   and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
   like a spring of water,
   whose waters do not fail.
12And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
   you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
   the restorer of streets to dwell in.

 13 "If you turn back your foot from the Sabbath,
   from doing your pleasure on my holy day,
and call the Sabbath a delight
   and the holy day of the LORD honorable;
if you honor it, not going your own ways,
   or seeking your own pleasure,or talking idly;
14then you shall take delight in the LORD,
   and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth;
 I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father,
    for the mouth of the LORD has spoken."

WHAT A PHENOMENAL GOD WE GET TO KNOW AND ADORE 

Sunday, December 19, 2010

" I am afraid.. I am alone... I can't.. I don't know how.... "

A phrase entered my heart last night and has danced within my heart and mind and I knew where it was that He was leading.... seems like that is the territory He wants me to walk these days and it is alright....... I can walk this road because I know that it is His rod and staff that lead me here......

I have caused much heart ache, confusion and pain in the hearts of some of the people that have been the closest to me...... I have been looked at as one more mature because of gifting only to falter because of emotional issues....... HUGE side bar here.... gifting DOES NOT NECESSITATE character PERIOD.... gifting is just that gifts.... character takes a lot more....... a whole lot more

Backing UP...............

There was a season in my life that had me spiraling out of control.... the biggest problem was I didn't know how to ask for help... I didn't know how to say I can't walk this out... I don't know how... the pain is just too great and I can't see my way through it.....

My father had been in town only a week prior.... I had spoken about him to my aunt only a week before...... I had actually spoken to him that morning only then to receive a call that evening that he was gone... he had died... without warning... without any preparation he was gone.... with so much left unsaid, undone.... questions that would never have answers..... a man who was my father was gone forever and yet there was so much that still needed to be sorted out........

Losing my father so out of the blue sent a ripple effect through me but the biggest problem was I didn't think I could ask for help... I didn't know how to ... I didn't realize the depth of pain that was within me... so in my mind it was illegitimate to ask for help..... so I lied... I created a story ( as I had done in the past) that in my mind would warrant the need for help and attention and played out a scenario that truly hurt a lot of people..... I couldn't say the words... "I'm afraid... I'm terrified... I'm losing it and don't know how to find my way out... please ... please ... help....." so instead I made a problem even worse and hurt people who loved me and whom I loved......

Fast forward six years... I had gotten counseling and admitted the lies were lies and received a portion of healing into my life..... but fast forwarding six years would have me enter into the season in my life where the past would meet present with a furry ....... But this time it would be different and I stand today amazed by the grace and passion of God....

I must say I couldn't even come to write this without those that have stood alongside Jim and I..... so you knowing who you are... you have given me wings to fly... and my heart soars in freedom because of you.. and my life's story can be told because of the courage your love has brought to bare ... Your love and commitment played out upon my life as the tangible grace of God for which I will always be grateful....

A season came upon the landscape of my life that was going to bring with it the winds of change but before the change would manifest the cracks in the foundation of all that I was would be laid to bare..... There are times we just push through life and through seasons because of duty and responsibility but I had met the dead end of my capacity to do that and I was slipping......

This time however I called out for help... this time I said the words... "I can't do this... I don't know what else to do..... I can't hold it together..... I can't face tomorrow.... I can't look at this... I can't walk through this... I don't even really know what all this is ... I don't understand what is happening... " and the other part was that my plea and my cry did not fall on deaf ears..................................................

The phrase I kept hearing since last night was a plea for help...... a statement of need...... I have known that place... that place of fear at best ... terror at worst... anxiety... loneliness... hopelessness, confusion and pain.... and the list could go on and on....... the most transforming thing I have ever done was admit that need and be in a place where there was someone to respond......

God is absolutely amazing at His ability to heal and transform. Period... and there are moments where He steps in in a sovereign way and acts ....... and while I have watched Him do that in my life ... the other part is that He brings people alongside.... people to lean against... people who carry us when we can't even walk... people who love us and walk the extra mile and then walk the extra 100 miles...

So there are times when we are the person in need and there are times where we walk alongside.... I am ever more determined that God's sons and daughters know His love .. His passion... the fragrances of His desires ... the longing of His heart.......

I needed the Body and I needed to learn that I needed the Body... I have at times been surrounded by the strength of others and there are times I have given my strength so that others could be made stronger....... We cannot say to any part of the body that it isn't needed and the truth of the matter is we are really only as strong as our weakest member....... we are all more connected than we realize... and when one hurts we all hurt... when one rejoices we can then all rejoice....

If you need to lift your voice and cry out.. " I am afraid.. I am alone... I can't.. I don't know how.... " cry out... cry out..... cry aloud and make your need known....... If you hear the cry ... if you see the actions of those who are faltering..... come alongside....... stand alongside...

Go without sleep with those who are terrorized at night.... and stand in the gap ... speaking life and praying hope..... Stay with those who are lonely.. invite them in ..... feed the hungry... cloth the cold... not just with food and clothing.. but with your love... with your strength... with your song......

People changed holiday plans for me.... walked alongside of me..... stayed up at night with me... it isn't that it is convenient .. it isn't that it is pretty... and it isn't that the results are guaranteed..... But as one who is fundamentally changed because someone did .. not just for an afternoon... not just for a day... not just within a week... but people stepped in and stood in the gap and changed the course of my life....

I know the power of redemptive love... it is real and strong but we are where that love plays out.... we are the Body.....

Oh Lord give us ears to hear the cries of those that are broken.... and give us hearts that will go .... give courage to those who need to cry out and please.. oh Father.. please when they do .... let there be ears to hear those cries.......

Saturday, December 18, 2010

"You can step out into it at any moment..." Number 2 or lets just say #357

"I wish I had never been born," she said. "What are we born for?" "For infinite happiness," said the Spirit. "You can step out into it at any moment..."

CS LEWIS The Great Divorce

Now may I say I truly truly dislike lists.... so just saying ahead of time... there might be less than ten... heck... they are thousands more than ten... so whatever number of things get put up don't...please don't... whatever you do don't... treat them like some magic fairy dust that if you do one, two, three then you get to fly off to Neverland like Peter....

The Kingdom really doesn't work like that... we are all as unique as each of our finger prints..... and while lists can contain good suggestions the life aspect comes when you enter into the reality that the Father loves you and whatever you can do to get there do it and when it changes because it always does... there is no yellow brick road to follow ... but there is a Father's wooing and a hunger in the spirit that you take place in that divine hide and seek... because through that you find the Father's heart for you.... and while attributes of that love are the same.... they play out very differently for each of us.......

What the Father uses to speak to me is so intrinsically intertwined between He and I and my life experiences..... that is the wonder and the beauty of His love is that it is so individualized...... for me a "V" of Canadian geese have a history and a story behind them as do the White Rose food trucks ... neither of those things mean anything to you but to me they are a hug and a kiss from the Father whenever I see them... The way I see Him throughout my day is so individualized that the attempt at any list feels so ridiculous in one way... But there are principles involved and those I share....

So number 2 or we could call it #357 just for the fun of it...

Develop a love language with the Father.... there are special things you remember that are just between you and your best friend, or you and your husband, or you and your child, or the list goes on.... special relationships have within them moments and memories that each one within that relationship cherish... build those with the Lord.... You will be so surprised and blessed..... how intimately aware of you He is and how much He hungers to be a part of every facet of your day....... and how often He shows Himself moment to moment ... once you become aware that He is there.. always closer than your next breath.... who you are is transformed in His love and His character but more than anything you step into a reality where love reigns above all.... and in that reality you can walk daily, hourly, moment to moment and even though the situations don't necessarily change... you are different because within those moments you are under the shadow of the Most High or within the Strong tower of His love and affection....

So .... here is another thing I usually stay away from.... form like prayers.... but stepping out into all things new these days... and seeing the value.....

One last thing.... before we pray together...... Here is my biggest secret of my love affair with the Lord.... I have no clue what I am doing... but I know He loves me and like a corny 80s song says... that may be all I need to know......


So Father... we come to you (I come to you) and I long for you to open up doors for me today that usher me into a deeper relationship with you... I acknowledge that you are always with me ... I acknowledge that You love me in such a way that it can never be measured... I ask that You would bring me to a place today and all days where that love permeates all that I am .... Father I declare my love for You and my delight in the fact that I am Yours.... May I walk my days and my times here on Earth hand and hand with You and Your purposes ... abiding within You... abiding within Your love... open my eyes to see You in the details of my day... Show me that within Your shadow I can abide... open my ears to hear your melodies and Your voice .... Father more than anything show me minute by minute who You are.. make me ever more aware of Your glorious, marvelous nature ... I love you Lord... You are an amazing God... Creator, Redeemer, Friend...... Thank You... thank You for loving me so very well.... transform my mind and my heart with the truth of that love and bring me further into the world of Your heart..... Amen.....

Friday, December 17, 2010

The First of Ten Things

THE FIRST OF TEN THINGS...............

So I often get asked about connecting to the Father.... How does one not just hear and see but the questions go beyond that ... they are lifestyle questions .... so here a very simple .. try this sort of thing....

Because here lies my absolute top pet peeve...... THERE ARE NO SPECIAL ONES... NO ENTITLED ONES.... THE CROSS OPENED THE WAY FOR ALL ... LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN .... ALL... TO WALK WITH GOD ... IT IS NOT FOR THE ELITE FEW .... I get so sad when people start listing names and say well.... they hear, see... etc... etc... NO IT IS FOR ALL ... EVERYONE.....


FIRST

Admit need.... I need Him.. unabashedly need Him and I admit that need .... I look for Him the first thing I do every morning... I set my mind on Him.. for me I don't want to live my day without Him... I don't compartmentalize my faith and set it aside for a hour or two here or there... HE is the air I breath.... moment by moment I expect to walk with Him... This is a habit that I have cultivated.... READ Brother Lawrence's Practicing the Presence of God... or something I learned from John Paul was "THINK GOD" He put a little sticky note on his watch and when he went to check the time he would see "THINK GOD"

WHAT ARE SOME THINGS YOU DO TO WALK WITH THE FATHER? HOW ELSE CAN WE ADMIT NEED?

Thursday, December 16, 2010

.... Isn't the concept of rest more delightful than the concept of captivity?

This morning I awoke with an angst upon my heart... my Yiddish grandmother might say "agidah ." But as a good friend has taught me ... check yourself.... ask the questions... Is it you? Is it the atmosphere? Is it God? Ask away..... So as I went about my morning driving kids to school and cleaning this and that... I felt it only grow...

I stepped into Gregory's room to get his cloths for school (why share the details you might ask... I feel very compelled this morning to also share the very natural aspect of my very full days.... I find the relationship with God that I walk in within those details maybe even because of those details... ok rabbit trail over... ok maybe not over completely......I'm not some mystic monk living with nothing to do hour after hour seeking God... how lovely that would be... uhm....maybe.... I find Him in life... pulsating... pursuing.... loving... disciplining .... stretching... all of it within the days of my life... no soap opera there... ok maybe sometimes enough drama to make one but not exactly... )

So I was in Gregory's room when I stepped into the understanding that the angst wasn't there from me... But I knew this issue all too well .....

I have been a servant... well.. a servant does what they are told and at the end it is just that the servant has done their task... truly not even a thank you is warranted...

Luke 17:7-10

"Suppose one of you has a servant that has been working in the field. The servant has been plowing the ground or caring for the sheep. When he comes in from work, what would you say to him? Would you say, 'Come in and sit down to eat'? No! You would say to your servant, 'Prepare something for me to eat. Then get dressed and serve me. When I finish eating and drinking, then you can eat.' The servant should not get any special thanks for doing his job. He is only doing what his master told him to do. It is the same with you. When you do all the things you are told to do, you should say, 'We are not worthy of any special thanks. We have only done the work we should do.'"

I have been a slave.... and well been owned by the one who I have served..... Not God mind you... position... person... etc etc

I am a daughter... I watch and I wait and I linger... I watch for my Father to move ... I wait upon Him ... and I linger ... I am not used by Him... I am not owned by Him.... I am His and I want Him to possess all of me but it is not ownership..... I do what I feel it is He tells me to do ... but it isn't as His servant..... I stand next to Him as His daughter.... loved, cherished, nurtured, adored and the list could go on and on...

The difference is this.... that which I do I don't own... that which I do I don't defend.... that which I put my hand to is His plow... His Kingdom.... it doesn't belong to me... If another (brother or sister) is called to take up that plow... it isn't mine to hold on to.....

The angst in the atmosphere was concerning the difference of these mentalities and the weight that the servant/slave attitude pushes down upon its captive.... I was tired of ministry.... had enough of for lack of interest in finding a better word the junk (putting it nicely)... but I had taken my eyes off of Him and forgotten to rest.... God can be trusted in the rest... God MUST be trusted in the rest...

Do we need to be brought into captivity so that the land will have its rest or can we willingly lay it all down and rest and allow the Lord to grow up that which He would grow.... Isn't the concept of rest more delightful than the concept of captivity?

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matthew 11:28-30

This verse over the course of the last six months has birthed within me a courage and a strength to see how to live a life within ministry..... I am learning the unforced rhythms of grace... I am keeping company with Him... I am keeping company with Him and all else flows from that place..... and I am living freely and lightly and it is a wonderful thing... things get done and accomplished but at His pace and I move forward under His shadow.....

The angst in the air is that there is change coming... there is shifting coming.... and it is ok... it is ok to let go of position and title .... the angst in the air is the struggle... misplaced worth and identity.... and it really might kill you to walk away... and upon the shadows of the valley of death you might have to trod... but walk them well and you were emerge... fuller.. richer... lighter...freer.... go into the wilderness with Him willingly and you will emerge leaning upon the one who loves you so very well.... " Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace."

Get away...

Recover your life...

Take a real rest....

Walk with Him...

Work with Him....

Watch Him do it....

Learn the unforced Rhythms of Grace.....

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

not because they are easy, but because they are hard,

There is a stirring and a passion burning inside of me for you...... for my friends... for my family... for my neighbors... for those of you who I pray for as I lift up town, city, state... country... A passion that our eyes would be made open wide and that our ears would hear and that our hearts would receive the truth that we are so sought after and so loved....

Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil John3:19


Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold Matthew24:12

My life was lost.... nothing.... really.. nothing.... I'm not exaggerating... a story of a broken splintered fractured human being if you could have called me that.... more like Ezekiel's dry bones than anything ... But He who knit me together in my mother's womb was not going to let darkness have its day.....He pursued me when I didn't even know Him... He whispered in my ears and pulled me forward.....

So here we stand in a moment with great possibility.... this evening JFK's speach when addressing the pursuit of the moon would not let me be....." we choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

I am ignited... period..... what I ask? Can you dream with me? What are the best energies and skills of the Body of Christ... if we rose up in love and in unity... could dream with me? Saying not because this is easy ...certainly not.... but will you dream with me? If we choose righteousness? If we choose Him and walked in Him? Could you dream with me? What it would look like to have churches and congregations dropping individual agendas to embrace Him? To stand and watch and wait upon the Father? What would that look like? Our best energies and skills forged together by the passions of a Savior who is hungry to see the passions of His Father... Our Father fulfilled upon the Earth? What would that look like?

I am determined....

I falter daily.... but every stumble towards Him brings me one step further in.... I want to shed the things of this world... I want to shed the things of the flesh... When I lift up and actually walk in moments where I am His new creation the who I see in those moments in me is who I always want to be..... The strength that courses through my veins when I am yeilded is amazing and awe inspiring.. not me... but when I surrender and He lives His life through me there is nothing better.... nothing....

Darkness when exposed by the light is not at all appealing but hidden within its aweful illusion is that you are in control..... whether the darkness is blatant evil or subtle it robs you of the joy of knowing aspects of your Creator.... I desire that His light turns up in my life in a way that burns away all darkness... all mediocrity... all compromise....

You see it is amazing to me how the Lord redeems.... Light is hot and bright and burns... have you ever sat on a pavement in the heat of a high Summer day and felt the burning of the sun's rays..... I want to stand in that heat and light and let everything that is not of Him burn off of me.....

My God... My God ... You are amazing... Redemptive love that knows no end.... Passionate and Jealous.... Consuming....

I AM YOURS

Oh that we would let go of the lesser...

I am utterly foolishly mad after You... You have stirred and awoken me... You have blinded me to all other.... all other is lost upon me..... You .. Oh dear Lord... You have utterly ruined me for which I could never muster up enough gratitude..... I will live my moments ruined after You... So lovesick for the end of an age that separates us... and yet so aware of Your hungry heart to have the passions of Your Father's and my Father's fulfilled......

We are those passions... you and I ...... our towns and our cities... our land and lands beyond they are filled with His passions..... I put off mediocrity and I put off compromise and I embrace a death so sweet that He might live that those passions of His will be fulfilled ... to that end I journey... embracing death that I might live and bring Your light... Your life... Your love to my children and my family and to those You bring across my path....

Colossians 3
He Is Your Life


1-2 So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.
3-4Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.
5-8And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.
9-11Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.
12-14So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.
15-17Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Let Me love you

There it was the familiar nudging.  Time to wake up...... Time to sit with Him .......

Interesting though ..... So very interesting...... 

Not quite sure how to express this.... 

Leaping into my best effort

He wasn't waking me up to pray.  He wasn't waking me up to do anything in particular.  The picture I got was like that of a child waking up in the night or in the morning and wanting company.  The sense was of Jesus in the garden when He wanted a friend.  

Now Jesus is no longer in the garden needing the companionship of a human. We all understand He is enthroned on high.  

But this morning there was this aspect of His heart that was speaking forth "don't just seek my Kingdom..... Seek Me". His heart was immense and His desire real..... His hunger to possess my affections and His desire to have us just sit with Him and adore Him, fellowship with Him

The desire upon His heart was my undoing....... And His words staggering..... Let me love you... He stood there  and again the words Let Me love you filled the air.......  Standing there those words echoed and echoed and echoed as He kept repeating them. Let Me Love you......  

 The mountains melt like wax before Him... But there was a choice for me.  So amazing how He walks with His creation.... So absolutely stunning.  

The Lord of Lord and King of Kings calls forth "Let me love you..." His hunger and passions so tangibly real. 

So we just sat side by side ever so quietly holding hands. Nothing spoken.... Just affection passing between us ... The strength of His love infusing me with something I can't even attempt to find the words for .... I'm not adequate enough to express this but I do know this...

His affections for you are more real than anything you see and His hunger to love you is more intense than could ever be expressed.  That is plainly and profoundly it........ That is the heart of God...... Just waiting for you to let Him love you..... The Creator yearning to walk with that which He created and love upon it. Amazing    

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I am one whose Heritage is rich... I am one who is truly grateful

There are moments in life that  reside and reverberate within the soul.... Moments whether good or bad that help form who it is we are. 


I am one who is richly blessed by a godly heritage within certain movements. 


I am grateful for the strengths of those movements that I have come through.  I am grateful for the paradigms of life that they forged within the depths of who I am.  I am grateful for the wealth that they deposited within my life. From a passion for worship to an understanding that it is the whole body that is called to be equipped to minister to the truths that our Lord speaks in many ways to the fact that I can see and hear and touch and taste and smell the attributes if my God and His kingdom. 

You have equipped me well and given me shoulders to jump off of and I am grateful.  I am so very grateful. I love the DNA that resides within me. You have served God well within my life. 

And where times and situations brought to bear seasons and orbits that grew us apart instead of bringing us together.... Well, even within those I have found gratitude. For they too have taught me well. 

They taught me to repent quickly, to grow in character and maturity and they have taught me to learn to stand on my own and worship the Lord my God only. To not hold on to one expression as an idol but to grow in appreciation for the greater body. 

To the Body of Christ you are my family..... We are all so connected in ways we don't even fully comprehend. We will one day stand as the Bride of our Lord.  Together.  When one of us is weaken we are all weakened.  When one of us is sad or pain or when one of us is rejoicing then we all share in that as well.  

As I think upon my heritage as specific and as general I am grateful.  For I was once not a part of anything .... I was lost and alone. As it is in 1 Peter 2:10.    
English Standard Version 
Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

We are the people of God. Chosen and dearly loved. You are my brothers and sisters. You are my family.  You are my heritage. May we walk forward worthy of the calling if Children if God.  

Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Sky is Blue and Other Givens.......

"Who told you the sky is blue?"

Uhm... what?

"Who told you the sky is blue?"

Well....... In all honesty I couldn't remember who was the first person to point up and say "the sky is blue."

Second question.... "Do you believe that the sky is blue?"

Phew... that is an easier one... "Yes, Lord I do not doubt that there is a sky and that it is blue."

Third question..."Even on a day that is overcast and cloudy... You still believe that under those clouds beyond the grey there is a blue sky shining brightly?"

"Yes, Lord I do."

Questioning continued...."Even at night when darkness fills the earth and the sky is black... do you even then believe that in the morning when the sun rises that the sky will be blue?"

As I began to answer Him I knew that which He was connecting within my heart and my mind and I sat quietly with Him and absorbed all that was on that magnificent heart of His.

A matter of trust and belief... a matter of choices..... a matter of faith..........

Without doubt I believe that the sky is blue and that no matter what hides that blue from my sight that beyond all that, there is a blue sky.....

I knew He was wanting me to make a leap but not just about Him.... His heart was beating strong and His gaze was very intense..... He wasn't questioning my faith in Him.... He wasn't asking me about if I had doubts about Him.... He was asking me if I believed what it is He has to say about me.... The Lord is not a man that he should lie and when He speaks He brings it to pass.....

So His questioning that day was about me..... do I believe all that He says about who He has made me to be.... Do I live and embrace that reality on a daily basis..... Do I live as one who is loved and adored by the Creator of Heaven and Earth? Do I live a life that screams that nothing .. not angels... not demons... not the present... not the past... that nothing in all of creation could separate me from that love? Do I know that love that knows no boundaries? Does it permeate every aspect of my life?

When I don't feel it.... when the events of any given day would attempt to stand in opposition to that truth.....

I want the reality of all of His truth to infuse my very being .... I want to live a life that daily speaks forth the knowledge that I am loved and highly favored..... In a world where the love of most will grow increasingly cold what does it look like to solidly stand as His.......

I know that I don't know that fully yet I press forward into this journey with wonderment and awe and joy and passion..... my eyes focused upon Him and my heart acknowledging that His words are true... the ones He speaks about Himself and the ones He places over our lives...... He is our God ... we are His people..... we belong to the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.............. The reality of His grace and His Kingdom tangibly exist upon the moments of our days.. may we reach through the veil and live there while yet walking here upon the Earth...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Time spent with Him who neither slumbers or sleeps

He is in all and all cries out and echoes His glorious nature...... Do we hear it? Do we perceive the whispers of our creator? Do we sense His overwhelming affections towards us throughout the day? Does our paradigm allot for the fact that His passions are for us and His delight is in us? Daily..... Hourly..... Moment to moment..... He gazes at us  and adores us and is closer to us than our very next breath......

I need Him.... I acknowledge my desperate and complete need of Him.... That He loves me and cares for me settles my weary soul... I find rest and take my shelter within Him and His glorious strength..... 


I lift my eyes up..... Away from the terrains of this world..... Towards a place so other..... When upon whose roads I journey my soul is refreshed and satisfied. 


You know all things my Lord.... You know all things. Affectionate Father I lean upon you and as your strong arm holds my frame up from stumbling I cling to this Your strength for yet another moment. 

With all that is within this human heart I speak forth my affections for You. Your eyes forever upon me grant me solace and Your affectionate glances warm the core of all that I am. I adore You and rest in Your adoration. 

Monday, December 6, 2010

A heart shared for those in ministry... for those who have been in ministry... for those who long to be in ministry... or for those who just want to walk honestly before their Lord

So in my continued attempt to be transparent in all things not just the ways of walking with the Lord when His spirit is sweet and catches me up into His presence ... I find myself stuck at this crossroads... knowing too much to go back and yet also having the understanding of cost I'm scared...... You might say now ... oh come on ... He gave everything...... what cost is too high for you to pay... what wouldn't you give ... well, the religious answer you might then want is there isn't a cost that shouldn't be paid... BUT while that is true my heart honestly falters at times......

To be able to make an honest choice... a choice that is sincere... I can't just say yes, Lord everything and anything just off the cuff.... everything and anything? Really? Really? My flesh and my strength falter when I think of everything and anything..... does that mean moving again? What about the kids... what about the older ones? What about stability for them? All the things it has meant in the past swell up into my being... losing friends... (He comes as a sword REMEMBER)... losing ... well nothing lost compares to the glory gained... Yes, my friend so true.. and I could say that too... But I care about the pastor's wives out there and the men and women in ministry right now that have paid those prices too..... YES.. everything ends up being worth it but in the midst there is a human being there.... and emotions there and while we have one who walked those roads and knows all things... walking those roads ARE hard.... (Now the people saying to Jesus but my field or my dead loved one doesn't sound so crazy does it... well, not to me and YES believe me I know what I am saying to our Lord who is worth everything completely But this is my honesty)

What does everything and anything mean... and you know I know enough to know He doesn't tell you.... He doesn't need to and everything and anything means everything and anything ..... The practical living that out is where my feet are stumbling right now... nothing in this moment have I said no to... But in my heart I feel the weight of this question and know today that the honest answer ... well, the honest answer combined with lacking the capacity to look into the those marvelous eyes of His is I don't know... I want to want to say YES... Absolutely.... completely everything Lord... uhm "Lord" ... interesting choice of words there.... I know I am not my own..... but fear does reside in my heart... I know the costs... we've paid some of them... and my heart is faltering... I can feel in the atmosphere a stirring and I know this stirring all too well and these last few days I have wondered about my capacity to follow through this time and say Yes.... can I say yes in the minute of course... But I don't want to do that... I don't want to be the son who said yes and then didn't go .... I have to say no first... I have to say I don't know Father... honestly I don't know .... so that when the yes comes (oh please God let it come) it will be full of all the sincerity that resides in my heart......

He sits with me and we are quiet together... He reaches out and as we sit cross legged staring at one another He reaches out and cups my hands in His and then with His other gently strokes my cheek.... it is the garden ... isn't this the garden? Jesus... when everyone else is sleeping and it is just You and the Father.... I don't doubt Him... I don't doubt you, Jesus... ... I doubt myself ... I know my heart... and that which resides there.. and I can't fool you because you know it all too.....

Then a remembrance... at a college I went to in one of the chapels a speaker stated that one can say I can't... but I want to.... I can't but I am willing ... or if I am not willing I am willing to be made willing... I walk in the garden these days... but I know who walks beside me and while the times are solemn my hope is that as we walk together my heart will strengthen..... for His passion for me overwhelms me and His desire for me undoes me and His tenderness and kindness woo me and lead me forward.....

Friday, December 3, 2010

Behold you are a new creation ... the old HAS gone... the new HAS come forth

There are places I enter where the only thing I am is a daughter.... where there is nothing required of me and nothing for me to do except to stand as your daughter.... It is the place where I am the most "me" that I am... It is the place that I will live forever and there are moments and occasions when even now upon the earthen soil I walk in a form of it that feels like fullness......

When I release unto the winds any self protective notions and stand in their gusts solely and without reservation as His and His alone I am the reality of all that He ever intentioned for me to be .... I have felt the reality of that place upon my being and within the depths of all I am and in that place there is not one thing but Him that touches me...... There is not one thing that defines me that is other than Him and His love.... In that place there is so much freedom and confidence... a joy so solid and impenetrable.... I have tasted that place and have journeyed there and sit in those moments and allow them to wash over me more and more....

The danger of knowing of such an existence is that all else falls short and truly the things of this world grow oh so strangely dim..... because the things of this world are obliterated in that reality... and the thoughts and opinions ... the accolades and detractions of man well .. Ha Ha Ha.... they fall to the ground as naught when against the passions of the Father they try to make their mentions....... The danger of knowing of such a reality causes the flavor of all else to be bland at best and the danger of knowing of such a reality is that you are ruined... you are ruined for anything else but Him

..... it is a danger and a delight.. and there is truly no going back... Your soul will rage... the flesh will cry out but the spirit will be strong and lead and yearn to live in that place and then again you will be ruined .... because you will see only with His eyes... and hear only with His ears and listen only with His heart... and your Heart will beat with the things that cause His heart to beat... and you will stand ....

Behold you are a new creation .... the old has gone... the new has come forth........