So in my continued attempt to be transparent in all things not just the ways of walking with the Lord when His spirit is sweet and catches me up into His presence ... I find myself stuck at this crossroads... knowing too much to go back and yet also having the understanding of cost I'm scared...... You might say now ... oh come on ... He gave everything...... what cost is too high for you to pay... what wouldn't you give ... well, the religious answer you might then want is there isn't a cost that shouldn't be paid... BUT while that is true my heart honestly falters at times......
To be able to make an honest choice... a choice that is sincere... I can't just say yes, Lord everything and anything just off the cuff.... everything and anything? Really? Really? My flesh and my strength falter when I think of everything and anything..... does that mean moving again? What about the kids... what about the older ones? What about stability for them? All the things it has meant in the past swell up into my being... losing friends... (He comes as a sword REMEMBER)... losing ... well nothing lost compares to the glory gained... Yes, my friend so true.. and I could say that too... But I care about the pastor's wives out there and the men and women in ministry right now that have paid those prices too..... YES.. everything ends up being worth it but in the midst there is a human being there.... and emotions there and while we have one who walked those roads and knows all things... walking those roads ARE hard.... (Now the people saying to Jesus but my field or my dead loved one doesn't sound so crazy does it... well, not to me and YES believe me I know what I am saying to our Lord who is worth everything completely But this is my honesty)
What does everything and anything mean... and you know I know enough to know He doesn't tell you.... He doesn't need to and everything and anything means everything and anything ..... The practical living that out is where my feet are stumbling right now... nothing in this moment have I said no to... But in my heart I feel the weight of this question and know today that the honest answer ... well, the honest answer combined with lacking the capacity to look into the those marvelous eyes of His is I don't know... I want to want to say YES... Absolutely.... completely everything Lord... uhm "Lord" ... interesting choice of words there.... I know I am not my own..... but fear does reside in my heart... I know the costs... we've paid some of them... and my heart is faltering... I can feel in the atmosphere a stirring and I know this stirring all too well and these last few days I have wondered about my capacity to follow through this time and say Yes.... can I say yes in the minute of course... But I don't want to do that... I don't want to be the son who said yes and then didn't go .... I have to say no first... I have to say I don't know Father... honestly I don't know .... so that when the yes comes (oh please God let it come) it will be full of all the sincerity that resides in my heart......
He sits with me and we are quiet together... He reaches out and as we sit cross legged staring at one another He reaches out and cups my hands in His and then with His other gently strokes my cheek.... it is the garden ... isn't this the garden? Jesus... when everyone else is sleeping and it is just You and the Father.... I don't doubt Him... I don't doubt you, Jesus... ... I doubt myself ... I know my heart... and that which resides there.. and I can't fool you because you know it all too.....
Then a remembrance... at a college I went to in one of the chapels a speaker stated that one can say I can't... but I want to.... I can't but I am willing ... or if I am not willing I am willing to be made willing... I walk in the garden these days... but I know who walks beside me and while the times are solemn my hope is that as we walk together my heart will strengthen..... for His passion for me overwhelms me and His desire for me undoes me and His tenderness and kindness woo me and lead me forward.....
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