I haven’t sat at the keyboard this shaken .. this moved… this trembling… this full … this face flushed by tears that have been poured out for hours…. I haven’t spent a day with questions and then answers … I haven’t been poured into and delighted in and celebrated and shown…..
There are times where the already and not yet aspect of the Kingdom tear at my heart…. Tear at my very being…. There are times where I wish I could break through the window… the mirror… the glass … the veil that separates time and eternity….
There are times when I wish that I could reach across and instead of seeing in part and knowing in part I could know Him fully… Instead of seeing in a vision or feeling the whispers I could stand full on face to face…. That the wedding day would be here and that there would be us and that would be that……
There are times when I know my doubt and it breaks me … it breaks me because I know Him… I know His nature… I know His character… I know who He is and who He isn’t…. I know that that which He says He brings to pass and that which He promises He is never slow to bring forward….
I know His tears and His heart and His hunger…. I know His presence and His glory and His majesty… I know my Father… His son.. my brother… I know His Spirit and His song and His flight….. I know Him… I know Him….
My heart hungers and aches and yearns … I suffocate and long for His touch and His voice and His breath….
I stare out into the future from the window and I crumble inside at the thought that tomorrow doesn’t bring us fully together…. That the tomorrows are still yet to come before we are face to face and never apart….
You… You are all … You are all that sustains me and all that propels me on… You ….. Glorious.. wonderful You… I celebrate You with all that is within me … I honor You… I rejoice in You… I worship You…. You are all that which I belong to… You are that which draws me in and brings me alive… without You there is no good thing….
Your hands upon my face… Your gaze staring into all that I am…. Your dignity … Your majesty…. Your splendor bearing down upon me and bearing their weight into me…. Who have I but You?
Who have I but You?
Though all might collapse around me… though a thousand shall fall at my side and ten thousand at my right hand… Whom have I but You?
You hold my gaze so that my eyes and my focus are solely upon You… You touch my flesh and my soul so that where I would falter You hold me up…..
I sit here and eyes closed and fingers playing upon the lettered keys I find my place in You…. And there it is… there it is.. there is You… oh glorious… beautiful… marvelous.. wonderful.. incredible.. You… and there is me… There is You and there is me and there is a love story of the ages…. I am a girl so utterly and fully loved by a God who knows me so fundamentally that as I shake my head and look into Your eyes I am baffled and undone and staggering to even sit under the weight of Your affections…
You have taught me to breath all anew… You have ravished my heart and You have called me Your own.. and You have stood by my side and brought all that I would ever truly dream of to pass….
Your heart .. it is expressed in the words that fill Your book… You wanted a people… You are God… You wanted a people who would want You … like You want them…
I am a girl and You… You are my God… You are my God and I … I am Your girl…..
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
This hour... what we do need... what we don't need and the wisdom and sight to know the times... may we have it to know when the wolf really does come
What we do need and what we don’t need in this hour and the wisdom and sight to know the times
Let me first say that I have not listened to or watched many of the videos out there by very reliable men and women talking about what we need to do in this hour to be prepared for all that is coming upon the United States and the world at this time….
I do however remember listening to things as the year 2000 was upon us… and I do remember many other times that the voices would be raised to admonish the body towards this cause or that and to do this or that in order to be prepared….
While one could say there is wisdom in all of these things and that these voices trumpeting the call towards understanding the times we live in are important… because we are told to know the signs of the times we live in …. I also think there is a lot more that can be said
I do acknowledge that I am in no way knowledgeable in these things and in no way do I say that the Lord has spoken special revelation regarding these matters to me nor regarding when any type of event will happen… but I do know this…
There are many things that we all build upon that get shown up for the sand that they are… and that in a time where all want stability and something firm for themselves and their families there needs to be clear voices saying that the depth of stability that is desired and sought is only found within Him… I watched back in 2000 many run around trying to be as prepared for all that was to come and 2000 came and it went… and those that spoke of such matters never admitted wrong… I guess what I am saying too is be careful of those that would cry wolf… because at some point the wolves will come and we will want to be able to head that call…
I do believe that there are things in the future that are going to rattle the very souls of all men… and that the preparation is going to be key… but here is where I think the preparation needs to be centered upon
I have been asked if the Lord has spoken this or that to me and while there are some things that I do feel God has shown… this is what I truly feel that He has led me to more than anything… it isn’t flashy… it isn’t sending you off in a million directions with a mile long list of all the things you need to have in order to survive all that is to come…. It is to know Him…
To know Him… know His passions… To know His character… To know who He is and to know His heart and His ways and His affections… To understand that though there will be trials and tribulations and incredible hardships upon the earth and within our lives that He has overcome them all and while we are to be wise we are not to be wise in our own eyes or the eyes of men…. And that stockpiling this or that will not see people through the days that are to come when they ever get here… but to know Him and spend time with Him and learn His ways and know that He is the stability that all seek… He is the only Rock upon which to build and that is what we will need always… that is the trumpet we need to sound
People are sent scurrying around to get this or that and have this much of one thing and that much of another… and they are running around at times like a chicken with their heads cut off… getting all worked up about this exciting possibility or that horrific thing about to happen… There IS a peace that passes all understanding and there is a settledness in knowing God that transcends all activity…
Horrible things are happening and will continue to happen and then still the end will come one day… but for all our days we are to know Him and make Him known… it doesn’t take a prophet to tell you that there are horrific and scary things happening in the world today… what it does take a prophet to tell you is that the Lord you know and I know has overcome all these things… and that even within all of these things He will make Himself known…
There are calls to be like Joseph and to help the proverbial Egypts get ready for the days to come but also there are the widows who will take their very last sustaining food stuffs and the Lord will multiply… Know for yourself is all I am saying… know for yourself.. know God for yourself… Know His voice for yourself… know His ways for yourself…
Don’t just keep running out to the field because there are those crying wolf… wolf.. .but learn to hear the Lord’s voice and His calls so that you will know when it is time to prepare and which way to turn….
The one things that will sustain throughout whatever times come is the power and the presence and the reality of God … so know God… spend time knowing Him… it isn’t as fantastic of a message but it is one that when the rains come will have you standing upon the rock and not the sands…..
Just know for yourself…. Listen and weigh …. That is all I am saying .. listen and weigh… and be full of Him…. And you will know…. You will know if like Joseph you are to store up and know if you are like the widow and the Lord will multiply…. Know Him…. Know Him…. Become more like Him and no matter what the days bring you will be found ready….
Let me first say that I have not listened to or watched many of the videos out there by very reliable men and women talking about what we need to do in this hour to be prepared for all that is coming upon the United States and the world at this time….
I do however remember listening to things as the year 2000 was upon us… and I do remember many other times that the voices would be raised to admonish the body towards this cause or that and to do this or that in order to be prepared….
While one could say there is wisdom in all of these things and that these voices trumpeting the call towards understanding the times we live in are important… because we are told to know the signs of the times we live in …. I also think there is a lot more that can be said
I do acknowledge that I am in no way knowledgeable in these things and in no way do I say that the Lord has spoken special revelation regarding these matters to me nor regarding when any type of event will happen… but I do know this…
There are many things that we all build upon that get shown up for the sand that they are… and that in a time where all want stability and something firm for themselves and their families there needs to be clear voices saying that the depth of stability that is desired and sought is only found within Him… I watched back in 2000 many run around trying to be as prepared for all that was to come and 2000 came and it went… and those that spoke of such matters never admitted wrong… I guess what I am saying too is be careful of those that would cry wolf… because at some point the wolves will come and we will want to be able to head that call…
I do believe that there are things in the future that are going to rattle the very souls of all men… and that the preparation is going to be key… but here is where I think the preparation needs to be centered upon
I have been asked if the Lord has spoken this or that to me and while there are some things that I do feel God has shown… this is what I truly feel that He has led me to more than anything… it isn’t flashy… it isn’t sending you off in a million directions with a mile long list of all the things you need to have in order to survive all that is to come…. It is to know Him…
To know Him… know His passions… To know His character… To know who He is and to know His heart and His ways and His affections… To understand that though there will be trials and tribulations and incredible hardships upon the earth and within our lives that He has overcome them all and while we are to be wise we are not to be wise in our own eyes or the eyes of men…. And that stockpiling this or that will not see people through the days that are to come when they ever get here… but to know Him and spend time with Him and learn His ways and know that He is the stability that all seek… He is the only Rock upon which to build and that is what we will need always… that is the trumpet we need to sound
People are sent scurrying around to get this or that and have this much of one thing and that much of another… and they are running around at times like a chicken with their heads cut off… getting all worked up about this exciting possibility or that horrific thing about to happen… There IS a peace that passes all understanding and there is a settledness in knowing God that transcends all activity…
Horrible things are happening and will continue to happen and then still the end will come one day… but for all our days we are to know Him and make Him known… it doesn’t take a prophet to tell you that there are horrific and scary things happening in the world today… what it does take a prophet to tell you is that the Lord you know and I know has overcome all these things… and that even within all of these things He will make Himself known…
There are calls to be like Joseph and to help the proverbial Egypts get ready for the days to come but also there are the widows who will take their very last sustaining food stuffs and the Lord will multiply… Know for yourself is all I am saying… know for yourself.. know God for yourself… Know His voice for yourself… know His ways for yourself…
Don’t just keep running out to the field because there are those crying wolf… wolf.. .but learn to hear the Lord’s voice and His calls so that you will know when it is time to prepare and which way to turn….
The one things that will sustain throughout whatever times come is the power and the presence and the reality of God … so know God… spend time knowing Him… it isn’t as fantastic of a message but it is one that when the rains come will have you standing upon the rock and not the sands…..
Just know for yourself…. Listen and weigh …. That is all I am saying .. listen and weigh… and be full of Him…. And you will know…. You will know if like Joseph you are to store up and know if you are like the widow and the Lord will multiply…. Know Him…. Know Him…. Become more like Him and no matter what the days bring you will be found ready….
Lyrics must be carefully sung.... Understanding ever more that which I say
All week long I heard the song playing in my head and all week long I wondered... Then upon a church service the song filled the air and I was brought low... I found my seat and was filled with wonderment...
The words: if you lead me Lord I will follow.. Where you lead me Lord I will go...
Simple enough ... But .... Really?!?!
Not so simple ....
He is changing my paradigms and the way I see things in so many areas of my life that I feel it upon my person..
A friend used the words freefall and that dearest friends is the best picture...
That which I have known and seen and believed ( not about the absolute truths of God) but about the way some things work and operate are somewhat all up in the air...
Upon myself I feel a letting go of old perceptions of things in regards to the ways I have learned He moves with and among His people... I feel paradigms shifting and in that there is a lack of clarity for me...
Not confusion just an understanding that there are times to let go of preconceived notions of how He moves and times to see what was a cultural agreement and what was God...
So I'm being lead into this time of shaking and growth..
Can I really sing those words honestly ... Wherever He leads me... Oh my heart and spirit want to scream those words and shout them and bravely declare them...
However ... My soul wants to see and count the cost.... I want understanding of the where before the declaration and I know enough to know that there is no long term road map displayed for me to them be able to say... Ok I'll go there..
To be honest I feel like the things I have held dear with the way He moves and operates within the prophetic are on the chopping block...
Not that there isn't prophetic things but that things we have called prophetic have been more of a cultural agreement than that which God would say or do and there is a solid call going out to grow deeper and more reliable and strong ....
To have clear strong voices full of love and clarity ringing out like liberty bells across a nation .... Men and women of character walking forth... Watching their idle words .. Soaked in the presence and affections of the Father ... Walking in kingdom authority ..
I have no clear idea or understanding of the road that I feel being laid out before me but there's a path and Father and I are standing at the proverbial edge and He is asking .. If I lead you there will you follow .. If I lead you there will you go...
Now the there aspect much of me wants to say no... Not there ... But the Him aspect ... His "I " in the equation that is what wins my heart .. If I go there ( whatever the there is) You will be there?
Well then like Moses said if You go I will ho but without You I won't ...
That is key for all the places we need to all venture... Not walking out on our own good ideas or assumptions but being lead by Him... Following Him... Now that I can do .. With His grace and strength and with Him.. In Him I can do all things.. I just must reside in Him...
The words: if you lead me Lord I will follow.. Where you lead me Lord I will go...
Simple enough ... But .... Really?!?!
Not so simple ....
He is changing my paradigms and the way I see things in so many areas of my life that I feel it upon my person..
A friend used the words freefall and that dearest friends is the best picture...
That which I have known and seen and believed ( not about the absolute truths of God) but about the way some things work and operate are somewhat all up in the air...
Upon myself I feel a letting go of old perceptions of things in regards to the ways I have learned He moves with and among His people... I feel paradigms shifting and in that there is a lack of clarity for me...
Not confusion just an understanding that there are times to let go of preconceived notions of how He moves and times to see what was a cultural agreement and what was God...
So I'm being lead into this time of shaking and growth..
Can I really sing those words honestly ... Wherever He leads me... Oh my heart and spirit want to scream those words and shout them and bravely declare them...
However ... My soul wants to see and count the cost.... I want understanding of the where before the declaration and I know enough to know that there is no long term road map displayed for me to them be able to say... Ok I'll go there..
To be honest I feel like the things I have held dear with the way He moves and operates within the prophetic are on the chopping block...
Not that there isn't prophetic things but that things we have called prophetic have been more of a cultural agreement than that which God would say or do and there is a solid call going out to grow deeper and more reliable and strong ....
To have clear strong voices full of love and clarity ringing out like liberty bells across a nation .... Men and women of character walking forth... Watching their idle words .. Soaked in the presence and affections of the Father ... Walking in kingdom authority ..
I have no clear idea or understanding of the road that I feel being laid out before me but there's a path and Father and I are standing at the proverbial edge and He is asking .. If I lead you there will you follow .. If I lead you there will you go...
Now the there aspect much of me wants to say no... Not there ... But the Him aspect ... His "I " in the equation that is what wins my heart .. If I go there ( whatever the there is) You will be there?
Well then like Moses said if You go I will ho but without You I won't ...
That is key for all the places we need to all venture... Not walking out on our own good ideas or assumptions but being lead by Him... Following Him... Now that I can do .. With His grace and strength and with Him.. In Him I can do all things.. I just must reside in Him...
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Unabashedly His... Thousand steps and beyond ... I choose Him
Laying down settled in the knowledge of whose I am... Living fully within a world and yet also simultaneously belonging to another that is so other than this place
Longing for all that I am to be defined by that which He is.... Resting in the understanding that there is such a strong pull upon me to walk towards all that that entails....
I am free to choose Him and His ways
I am free to say that found within Him all my dreams come true... That found within Him I am strong.. That found within Him I am sane ... That found within Him I have affection and adoration and love that knows no measurement.. That found within Him I find peace for my soul no matter what the world may do
I can choose Him and reside where He is....
I can live so fully in Him and so fully in the world ... I'm told that is that which I am to do... In Him and of Him and in the world... He has not taken me out of it and He has given me much within it....
I can have peace and joy and strength... I can have so much in choosing Him .... So much that lasts forever and ever... So much that shows up the temporal nature of things for what they are
You.... Me.... Him that is what holds importance... Each other and our Lord... Our .... Us ...... Found in unity is a strength and a delight... We are to be family for all the ages to come....
Choosing Him and His ways .... Knowing that He sees and understands....
Following Him through all terrains of life as they flow upon the times of our days.... While there are moments often where I falter I can seriously think of no other way that I would ever want to walk....
I have journeyed other roads and even upon the thought of them I shudder.... I shudder at even the thought of a journey that does not have Him....
I will in His strength and His grace walk wherever He leads as long as He leads for any path that He leads is one thousand times and beyond worth walking than even one single step without Him
Dwelling with Him as I walk my days and times living as He would live... Seeing as He sees and doing as He does ... Is all I long for...
Dwelling and walking with Him and learning His ways.. For He is so gentle and so kind... So full of love and teaming over with kindness
Oh I sigh in such delight... For in Him there is such beauty and in Him is such delight
And there it is a dance of gratitude ... Learning it's steps and getting lost in it's ways
Longing for all that I am to be defined by that which He is.... Resting in the understanding that there is such a strong pull upon me to walk towards all that that entails....
I am free to choose Him and His ways
I am free to say that found within Him all my dreams come true... That found within Him I am strong.. That found within Him I am sane ... That found within Him I have affection and adoration and love that knows no measurement.. That found within Him I find peace for my soul no matter what the world may do
I can choose Him and reside where He is....
I can live so fully in Him and so fully in the world ... I'm told that is that which I am to do... In Him and of Him and in the world... He has not taken me out of it and He has given me much within it....
I can have peace and joy and strength... I can have so much in choosing Him .... So much that lasts forever and ever... So much that shows up the temporal nature of things for what they are
You.... Me.... Him that is what holds importance... Each other and our Lord... Our .... Us ...... Found in unity is a strength and a delight... We are to be family for all the ages to come....
Choosing Him and His ways .... Knowing that He sees and understands....
Following Him through all terrains of life as they flow upon the times of our days.... While there are moments often where I falter I can seriously think of no other way that I would ever want to walk....
I have journeyed other roads and even upon the thought of them I shudder.... I shudder at even the thought of a journey that does not have Him....
I will in His strength and His grace walk wherever He leads as long as He leads for any path that He leads is one thousand times and beyond worth walking than even one single step without Him
Dwelling with Him as I walk my days and times living as He would live... Seeing as He sees and doing as He does ... Is all I long for...
Dwelling and walking with Him and learning His ways.. For He is so gentle and so kind... So full of love and teaming over with kindness
Oh I sigh in such delight... For in Him there is such beauty and in Him is such delight
And there it is a dance of gratitude ... Learning it's steps and getting lost in it's ways
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Breaking the backbone to performance and fear
I laid in my bed and I was thinking through multiple things that seemed so disjointed... it felt like my mind was just wandering over a ton of different unrelated topics... but then... I love how so many times there is a but then....
One of the things I have been processing lately is just this concept... within a culture there is a set of behaviors and guidelines and common beliefs and there are some things that one can just gravitate towards believing or receiving as truth without really looking very specifically at each element.....
Ok ... so I have been processing many things from the paradigm from which I see the world and interact within it... to just small every day things... to relationships... to and the list went on and on....
As I processed through things thoughts drifted toward something I have shared recently about some stuff that I thought God was going to do personally within my life...
( now while I share ever so freely about experiences that I walk through and the love of the Father I don't often share those things....)
Mainly because I've learned when it comes to hearing God specifically for me in regards to something He is going to do versus just being in relationship with Him I have been wrong before... or let me put it this way the elapse of so much time has had me think I have been wrong.. the time between feeling like He has said something and it happening can at times be a very tricky thing to navigate....
So I was thinking about that... ok I shared this thing with someone what if I am wrong? Question number 1... What if I am wrong and they draw all these conclusions about me (wouldn't be the first time :) ) Question 2.... what if I am wrong and they draw all these conclusions about me and then share with others that they think I'm full of it? Question number 3.....
Jump to another scenario I was thinking through how in relaying some information I got some details wrong... I just simply remembered wrong.... YET.... here comes the processing.... "oh goodness why did I think that?" (question number 1) I can't believe I remembered it that way.... (thought 1).. What are they going to think about me? (question number 2)
And within this time of thinking through things... I began to process the way through which I process and then it came ....this fear ... this concern.... what if I am not as healed as I thought? (question number 1) What if I am as healed as I thought but my mind just didn't develop in certain ways and I don't think right? (question number 2) What would that mean ? (question number 3)
As I laid there thinking through who I am as well as things I believe and think it dawned upon me I was standing at the most incredible moment... here were all these doubts... here were some mistakes.. here were some risks I had taken... here was my life.... was I holding it up to be judged... what was I doing....
Then He spoke.... and weight after weight fell off of me as if now a thousand tons worth of barbells had toppled to the ground.... what if all these things you are afraid of happened? What if you weren't as healed as you thought? What if ... What if.... What if.....
I lay there and I closed my eyes and I found performance and anxiety and fear being broken off of me in such profoundly deep ways that I just shook my head and received His truth and His love....
I AM going to make mistakes... I am going to look foolish sometimes... a lot of times.... most of the time... :) I am going to leap.. and risk.. and jump and believe.... I was mentally ill so what if my mind still has the effects of that... so what if my mind didn't develop fully? Am I defined by any of these things?
Am I defined by my mistakes? Am I defined by my failures? Am I defined by my past? Am I defined by my successes? Am I defined by how well I do... how well I speak?
I don't have to be afraid and I don't have to hide behind some false notion of who I am as to protect the essence of who I am..... I am going to live my life... and make the mistakes and live honestly and openly and transparently before my God and those He brings across my path.. and if my ways are simple or my ways are naive ... I've entered into this life making this decision that I would rather walk the way I walk than any other way.... It is how I know Him... It is the best way at this point in my life that I know to walk...
I have nothing within myself to protect... He is my protector
I have nothing within my life to prove... He is my proof
I have nothing within myself to sustain... He is my life
There is a simple and complete joy that reverberates throughout my being and a freedom to know I can walk this day and the next day and the next and I am free to make mistakes.... and I am free to fall and I am free to fail.... I am free from the prison of the whatifs and the should of .. would of.. could of... and my goodness the air never tasted so sweet.............
One of the things I have been processing lately is just this concept... within a culture there is a set of behaviors and guidelines and common beliefs and there are some things that one can just gravitate towards believing or receiving as truth without really looking very specifically at each element.....
Ok ... so I have been processing many things from the paradigm from which I see the world and interact within it... to just small every day things... to relationships... to and the list went on and on....
As I processed through things thoughts drifted toward something I have shared recently about some stuff that I thought God was going to do personally within my life...
( now while I share ever so freely about experiences that I walk through and the love of the Father I don't often share those things....)
Mainly because I've learned when it comes to hearing God specifically for me in regards to something He is going to do versus just being in relationship with Him I have been wrong before... or let me put it this way the elapse of so much time has had me think I have been wrong.. the time between feeling like He has said something and it happening can at times be a very tricky thing to navigate....
So I was thinking about that... ok I shared this thing with someone what if I am wrong? Question number 1... What if I am wrong and they draw all these conclusions about me (wouldn't be the first time :) ) Question 2.... what if I am wrong and they draw all these conclusions about me and then share with others that they think I'm full of it? Question number 3.....
Jump to another scenario I was thinking through how in relaying some information I got some details wrong... I just simply remembered wrong.... YET.... here comes the processing.... "oh goodness why did I think that?" (question number 1) I can't believe I remembered it that way.... (thought 1).. What are they going to think about me? (question number 2)
And within this time of thinking through things... I began to process the way through which I process and then it came ....this fear ... this concern.... what if I am not as healed as I thought? (question number 1) What if I am as healed as I thought but my mind just didn't develop in certain ways and I don't think right? (question number 2) What would that mean ? (question number 3)
As I laid there thinking through who I am as well as things I believe and think it dawned upon me I was standing at the most incredible moment... here were all these doubts... here were some mistakes.. here were some risks I had taken... here was my life.... was I holding it up to be judged... what was I doing....
Then He spoke.... and weight after weight fell off of me as if now a thousand tons worth of barbells had toppled to the ground.... what if all these things you are afraid of happened? What if you weren't as healed as you thought? What if ... What if.... What if.....
I lay there and I closed my eyes and I found performance and anxiety and fear being broken off of me in such profoundly deep ways that I just shook my head and received His truth and His love....
I AM going to make mistakes... I am going to look foolish sometimes... a lot of times.... most of the time... :) I am going to leap.. and risk.. and jump and believe.... I was mentally ill so what if my mind still has the effects of that... so what if my mind didn't develop fully? Am I defined by any of these things?
Am I defined by my mistakes? Am I defined by my failures? Am I defined by my past? Am I defined by my successes? Am I defined by how well I do... how well I speak?
I don't have to be afraid and I don't have to hide behind some false notion of who I am as to protect the essence of who I am..... I am going to live my life... and make the mistakes and live honestly and openly and transparently before my God and those He brings across my path.. and if my ways are simple or my ways are naive ... I've entered into this life making this decision that I would rather walk the way I walk than any other way.... It is how I know Him... It is the best way at this point in my life that I know to walk...
I have nothing within myself to protect... He is my protector
I have nothing within my life to prove... He is my proof
I have nothing within myself to sustain... He is my life
There is a simple and complete joy that reverberates throughout my being and a freedom to know I can walk this day and the next day and the next and I am free to make mistakes.... and I am free to fall and I am free to fail.... I am free from the prison of the whatifs and the should of .. would of.. could of... and my goodness the air never tasted so sweet.............
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
They only and I mean only stick if they matter to you
I love Max Lucado's book, You Are Special... In the story he tells the tale of these wooden people called,Wemmicks. They go around putting stars and dots on one another based on looks and performance.
We are introduced to a character by the name, Punchinello. Punchinello is one of the Wemmicks that has been given many dots.
The thoughts and opinions of man... The accolades and the detractions ....
We are also introduced to another character who intrigues Punchinello. This other character has no dots but neither does she have stars....
And he wonders why....
Her answer is simple and without explanation ... Every day she goes to see Eli, the wood carver, who created all the Wemmicks....
As the story progresses Punchinello makes his own journey to Eli and within that portion of the story comes some of my favorite passages....
The one thing Punchinello is the most curious about is why that other wemmick has no stars or dots....
Eli speaks truth to the questioning wemmick and then comes one of my favorite lines ..... "The stickers only stick if they matter to you...."
Punchinello came apologizing to Eli that he had so many dots... And Eli responded .." oh you don't have to defend yourself to me,child. I don't care what the other wemmicks think." later Eli adds... " They are Wemmicks just like you... What they think doesn't matter..."
It both confuses and confounds the main character, Punchinello... But by the end of the story he begins to get it...
"The stickers only stick if they matter to you..."
They used to matter to me immensely ... Not just the proverbial dots but also the stars.... If so and so is willing to give me a star then I must be something.... But that same so and so can take that star away and then who am I left as?
I have seen people crumble as favor has left or been taken away...
As the fancies of a man goes from individual to individual and reduces human beings to no more than puppy dogs begging for a treat or fighting with liter mates as to which one will get the next touch or cookie.....
But the realities of identity are that they are set and certain .... They are!!!! If we will go... If we will be
Who I am is not determined by the whims of any other's opinions or fancies or notions....
Who I am is who I was fashioned and created to be ... And that is something that can not be altered or changed by any other human..
I honestly never truly thought I would stand in this place ... This place of being defined mostly ( I say mostly because I am moving forward within it all) but not just the dots have fallen off but now so have the stars.... And I love this place!!!!! I love this place!!!!
The freedom...
The liberty ....
The hope.... The joy..... The delight
My failures don't define me.... My successes don't define me... Where I live... What I do... Whatever gift I might bear.... Or not bear..... My husband doesn't... My children don't ...
Nothing defines me but Him.... And I LOVE ... Screaming it at the top of my lungs ... I love the way He defines me...
Love it!!!!
I don't do anything to exist within His definition .... Not one solid thing... That which He says about me He would say about me... He would say about you ... REGARDLESS of any thought, behavior or action we ever did ...
We are all .... ALL... Together beautiful and there is not a spot or dot or blemish .... He has called us His own... He delights in us.. He is passionate over us...
He who called the universe into being and formed and fashioned the stars and holds all things together says you are altogether lovely and that there is no blemish on you... Are you going to call the one who does not ever lie... A liar?
No stars... You can keep them... Oh and those dots .. Well ... While there might be truth in them they do not define me nor will I carry them upon my person....
I will carry upon my person the thoughts and opinions of my Lord and His words and affections are made sure and His assessment of me is amazing
May you have eyes to see how you are seen because I'll tell you this... It hasn't just revolutionized my heart and my life ... I've been empowered to see others as He does and surrender my thoughts and my opinions and truly live those He places along my path
Ah ... To have eyes to see His higher ways... May we all be lifted up and drawn into Him
We are introduced to a character by the name, Punchinello. Punchinello is one of the Wemmicks that has been given many dots.
The thoughts and opinions of man... The accolades and the detractions ....
We are also introduced to another character who intrigues Punchinello. This other character has no dots but neither does she have stars....
And he wonders why....
Her answer is simple and without explanation ... Every day she goes to see Eli, the wood carver, who created all the Wemmicks....
As the story progresses Punchinello makes his own journey to Eli and within that portion of the story comes some of my favorite passages....
The one thing Punchinello is the most curious about is why that other wemmick has no stars or dots....
Eli speaks truth to the questioning wemmick and then comes one of my favorite lines ..... "The stickers only stick if they matter to you...."
Punchinello came apologizing to Eli that he had so many dots... And Eli responded .." oh you don't have to defend yourself to me,child. I don't care what the other wemmicks think." later Eli adds... " They are Wemmicks just like you... What they think doesn't matter..."
It both confuses and confounds the main character, Punchinello... But by the end of the story he begins to get it...
"The stickers only stick if they matter to you..."
They used to matter to me immensely ... Not just the proverbial dots but also the stars.... If so and so is willing to give me a star then I must be something.... But that same so and so can take that star away and then who am I left as?
I have seen people crumble as favor has left or been taken away...
As the fancies of a man goes from individual to individual and reduces human beings to no more than puppy dogs begging for a treat or fighting with liter mates as to which one will get the next touch or cookie.....
But the realities of identity are that they are set and certain .... They are!!!! If we will go... If we will be
Who I am is not determined by the whims of any other's opinions or fancies or notions....
Who I am is who I was fashioned and created to be ... And that is something that can not be altered or changed by any other human..
I honestly never truly thought I would stand in this place ... This place of being defined mostly ( I say mostly because I am moving forward within it all) but not just the dots have fallen off but now so have the stars.... And I love this place!!!!! I love this place!!!!
The freedom...
The liberty ....
The hope.... The joy..... The delight
My failures don't define me.... My successes don't define me... Where I live... What I do... Whatever gift I might bear.... Or not bear..... My husband doesn't... My children don't ...
Nothing defines me but Him.... And I LOVE ... Screaming it at the top of my lungs ... I love the way He defines me...
Love it!!!!
I don't do anything to exist within His definition .... Not one solid thing... That which He says about me He would say about me... He would say about you ... REGARDLESS of any thought, behavior or action we ever did ...
We are all .... ALL... Together beautiful and there is not a spot or dot or blemish .... He has called us His own... He delights in us.. He is passionate over us...
He who called the universe into being and formed and fashioned the stars and holds all things together says you are altogether lovely and that there is no blemish on you... Are you going to call the one who does not ever lie... A liar?
No stars... You can keep them... Oh and those dots .. Well ... While there might be truth in them they do not define me nor will I carry them upon my person....
I will carry upon my person the thoughts and opinions of my Lord and His words and affections are made sure and His assessment of me is amazing
May you have eyes to see how you are seen because I'll tell you this... It hasn't just revolutionized my heart and my life ... I've been empowered to see others as He does and surrender my thoughts and my opinions and truly live those He places along my path
Ah ... To have eyes to see His higher ways... May we all be lifted up and drawn into Him
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
And it truly seems as if that reality is actually that which sustains me even more than the air I breath.....
Can you see the air that you breath ?
No!
But if it wasn't there you would die!
Tonight as I sit in the family room I sat upon the sofa and just looked into space but it wasn't just space...
The air filled with the awareness of His presence and as much as the unseen air keeps my being alive I realized His presence does oh so very much more....
As He increased my awareness of His presence I realized within the core of all I am that He is always sustaining all things and within all things He is always sustaining me....
A deep delight saturated my being and I settled into Him
As I can't see the air but without it I would perish I know that though I don't always see Him He is so much more than the air I breath....
I don't have to be aware of the fact that He is always present but He is always present... I'm not always conscience of the air I breath but I am always breathing air....
The joy though that resides within that which I am at the very reality that all that He is is always present could not ever be contained.... And it truly seems as if that reality is actually that which sustains me even more than the air I breath.....
No!
But if it wasn't there you would die!
Tonight as I sit in the family room I sat upon the sofa and just looked into space but it wasn't just space...
The air filled with the awareness of His presence and as much as the unseen air keeps my being alive I realized His presence does oh so very much more....
As He increased my awareness of His presence I realized within the core of all I am that He is always sustaining all things and within all things He is always sustaining me....
A deep delight saturated my being and I settled into Him
As I can't see the air but without it I would perish I know that though I don't always see Him He is so much more than the air I breath....
I don't have to be aware of the fact that He is always present but He is always present... I'm not always conscience of the air I breath but I am always breathing air....
The joy though that resides within that which I am at the very reality that all that He is is always present could not ever be contained.... And it truly seems as if that reality is actually that which sustains me even more than the air I breath.....
I am the sparrow whose His eyes are upon
Laying on my bed I saw Him... I saw Him seeing me and I collapsed within His gaze....
Within His gaze I felt so met in the moment...
I had been laying on my bed pouring out my heart to Him ... Talking to Him as if we sat across from the table from each other...
And yet then....
Then it changed....
The aspect of His almighty nature increased in the room and no longer was I just sharing with a friend or the One who loves and cares so well for my soul ....
I looked to my right and the kingly ... Almighty aspect of His nature was before me...
Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath I attempted to steady myself....
But it was so different when I looked up... So different from what I expected to see....
When I looked up into His gaze I saw myself ... I saw all of that which was upon my heart within His gaze... His all knowing... All powerful .... Almighty gaze....
He knows all.... He sees all.... And He understands all
He understands the frailty of my being... He was the One who knit me together ...
He was and is the One who knew me before the foundation of the Earth was laid and He is the One who knows all my days from beginning to end
Within that gaze a quiet solid link formed between us and I just laid there being absorbed within all that those moments held
Creator to creature .... Father to daughter... Almighty King and The Great I Am to the object of all His affections...
In those moments I will be forever changed for in those moments I was liken to the sparrow .... And I knew my worth and I knew that His eyes were so very much more upon me than I could ever imagine
Within His gaze I felt so met in the moment...
I had been laying on my bed pouring out my heart to Him ... Talking to Him as if we sat across from the table from each other...
And yet then....
Then it changed....
The aspect of His almighty nature increased in the room and no longer was I just sharing with a friend or the One who loves and cares so well for my soul ....
I looked to my right and the kingly ... Almighty aspect of His nature was before me...
Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath I attempted to steady myself....
But it was so different when I looked up... So different from what I expected to see....
When I looked up into His gaze I saw myself ... I saw all of that which was upon my heart within His gaze... His all knowing... All powerful .... Almighty gaze....
He knows all.... He sees all.... And He understands all
He understands the frailty of my being... He was the One who knit me together ...
He was and is the One who knew me before the foundation of the Earth was laid and He is the One who knows all my days from beginning to end
Within that gaze a quiet solid link formed between us and I just laid there being absorbed within all that those moments held
Creator to creature .... Father to daughter... Almighty King and The Great I Am to the object of all His affections...
In those moments I will be forever changed for in those moments I was liken to the sparrow .... And I knew my worth and I knew that His eyes were so very much more upon me than I could ever imagine
Though I acted in His name it was in my own that I lived.... What if what they saw was something different... defining who I am as a Christian
I thought today about what it truly meant to be a Christian... I mean really ... not in some religious idea or notion but truly what the reality of it all is...
Wow!!! My goodness I can't wait to run into another one.. .matter of fact I'm searching them out... have you ever been around one... I just have never experienced love and acceptance like that... I have never felt so alive or full of hope....
In her eyes I saw compassion and in her voice I heard a kindness like I have never known.... in her hands when she touched my arm was such a warm gentle feeling that the sense of being around her was that she was just from a totally other place.....
And I just can't wait to see her again.. I can't wait to talk to her again... I can't wait to be around her again.... I know there is something about her that I just don't have and I truly need to ask her about that..... the joy that just erupted from her is something I just so desire for myself and I need what she has......
Would that be the response of someone if you asked them if they had ever met a Christian? It should be.. for even if someone doesn't agree with the tenements of the faith the interactions they have with one would be marvelous if it was ...
Now I sort of cringe at using the word should... because in all honesty I think a lot of performance orientation within the Christian faith come from all the shoulds of religion.... and performance will never create a Christian like the one the first paragraphs talk about... no adherence to every facet of the faith will create one like those first paragraphs describe.....
You know what will? Seriously... you know what will...
Being first loved.... being loved by the Father so alters the way everything about life is perceived.... especially the faith walk .... I'm not a performing monkey or a marionette... I am not full of fear that I have to adhere to some white and black set of standards as to inherit eternal life ....
It was for freedom that He set me free.... not so that I could then live in bondage to the pharisaical terrors of a Christian religion....
I love my life as a person who would consider themselves a Christian... but it is only because I have been granted access to the Father and His love.... I have been given a gift of life and liberty and freedom and joy and peace.... in this world... in this world that is so full of so much other than that... that I get to walk in all of what I said is nothing less than absolutely amazing.....
That in all the trials and all the tribulations and in all the fears that plague our world today.. I don't have to succumb to them ... I know the one who has overcome them all...
And I don't have to do anything to know Him.... I don't have to jump through hoops... I don't have to wear heavy weights of religion or performance in order for Him to love me.... I don't... I can do anything and be anything and He still loves me...... His love doesn't judge me... His love doesn't condemn me.... He pours out His affections upon me and woos my heart towards His ways....
Yes... His ways.... He has ways.... and they are beautiful... His ways.. His thoughts are higher than ..... He loves us no matter what whether we adhere to His ways or not.... However in living in His ways I am not tethered to living some horrifically narrow existence... no in His ways there is only liberty and love and joy..
and guess what ..
I am brought to a place where I repent for every time as a Christian I didn't show His ways... I didn't show His ways but I showed my own... That though I acted in His name it was in my own name that I lived and ventured and interacted with you....
I am committed to making that different... not to perform for you... because you'll see right through that... but to live with Him and be with Him because then what you'll see is Him.... and I'll tell you if you really get to see Him you will never ever be the same..... I know that for a fact... because I know Him....
Wow!!! My goodness I can't wait to run into another one.. .matter of fact I'm searching them out... have you ever been around one... I just have never experienced love and acceptance like that... I have never felt so alive or full of hope....
In her eyes I saw compassion and in her voice I heard a kindness like I have never known.... in her hands when she touched my arm was such a warm gentle feeling that the sense of being around her was that she was just from a totally other place.....
And I just can't wait to see her again.. I can't wait to talk to her again... I can't wait to be around her again.... I know there is something about her that I just don't have and I truly need to ask her about that..... the joy that just erupted from her is something I just so desire for myself and I need what she has......
Would that be the response of someone if you asked them if they had ever met a Christian? It should be.. for even if someone doesn't agree with the tenements of the faith the interactions they have with one would be marvelous if it was ...
Now I sort of cringe at using the word should... because in all honesty I think a lot of performance orientation within the Christian faith come from all the shoulds of religion.... and performance will never create a Christian like the one the first paragraphs talk about... no adherence to every facet of the faith will create one like those first paragraphs describe.....
You know what will? Seriously... you know what will...
Being first loved.... being loved by the Father so alters the way everything about life is perceived.... especially the faith walk .... I'm not a performing monkey or a marionette... I am not full of fear that I have to adhere to some white and black set of standards as to inherit eternal life ....
It was for freedom that He set me free.... not so that I could then live in bondage to the pharisaical terrors of a Christian religion....
I love my life as a person who would consider themselves a Christian... but it is only because I have been granted access to the Father and His love.... I have been given a gift of life and liberty and freedom and joy and peace.... in this world... in this world that is so full of so much other than that... that I get to walk in all of what I said is nothing less than absolutely amazing.....
That in all the trials and all the tribulations and in all the fears that plague our world today.. I don't have to succumb to them ... I know the one who has overcome them all...
And I don't have to do anything to know Him.... I don't have to jump through hoops... I don't have to wear heavy weights of religion or performance in order for Him to love me.... I don't... I can do anything and be anything and He still loves me...... His love doesn't judge me... His love doesn't condemn me.... He pours out His affections upon me and woos my heart towards His ways....
Yes... His ways.... He has ways.... and they are beautiful... His ways.. His thoughts are higher than ..... He loves us no matter what whether we adhere to His ways or not.... However in living in His ways I am not tethered to living some horrifically narrow existence... no in His ways there is only liberty and love and joy..
and guess what ..
I am brought to a place where I repent for every time as a Christian I didn't show His ways... I didn't show His ways but I showed my own... That though I acted in His name it was in my own name that I lived and ventured and interacted with you....
I am committed to making that different... not to perform for you... because you'll see right through that... but to live with Him and be with Him because then what you'll see is Him.... and I'll tell you if you really get to see Him you will never ever be the same..... I know that for a fact... because I know Him....
Monday, March 21, 2011
What does that look like.... and how do I enter in
I was laying upon my bed and all of a sudden my feet were upon tiles... they were white and bright and beautiful and cool and refreshing to stand upon ...
I was laying in my bed and I felt something.... I could have brushed it off... I could have rolled over and hugged my pillow and allowed sleep to drift me back off into another place.....
but there I was ...
I couldn't deny it... my feet ... the white tile.. the cool feeling.. the understanding of where I was.....
I was physically in my bed.... I could feel my pillow underneath my head... I could feel the mattress that my body laid upon and yet... at the same time my eyes and my whole being were else where and the life force of that else where was coursing through me and inviting me towards it....
So what is this all?
I have truly begun to enter into a place of wanting to not teach per se but to explain... to not just write about my encounters but to express the elements that surround them.. because there are moments and times and places for all to enter into moments like and not like these....
So this... I believe this was a vision that then manifested into a visitation of sorts..... there are moments within these times I get confused.... I couldn't tell you exactly where I am for I feel like I am in two places... at times as I go to write the experience only grows more intense and as I write about what has happened or is happening I am brought into that place all the more...
I do not profess complete understanding nor do I attempt to teach upon subjects that I have not the knowledge to do so... but I do this and I know this.... the fruit of these moments is that I am saturated in love... that in these moments scripture and some of the very truths Christ taught upon such as oneness and the relationship with Father come so vividly alive... that a wholeness and a completeness and a hunger for more of Him and His ways filters into all that I am... that is the fruit....
So I know that these are not delusions from the enemy.... ok.. so if they are not delusions from the enemy how do you know that they aren't just you and your over active imagination....
OK ... because I know my imagination and I could never imagine anything so good... oh yes .. can I falter into vain imaginings... yes, I can... but they are never like this... when I find myself drifting into soulish imaginings they are more of this world... and they never leave me in the same place as these moments with the Father leave me in.....
I end up repenting for wasting time thinking upon what if some horror happened to my family or what if something wonderful happened... or playing out multiple versions of conversations in my head ... they are a waste of time and have me step into a soulish place of intrigue... despair... delight... fancy..... they are not of spirit... they are certainly of soul... and those other times .. well those other times there is nothing about repenting... they are full of spirit.. they are full of fruit.. they are full of life.. and I always am stronger for those moments .. more fervently aware of His passions... His goodness... and the things of this world are so much more dim in the light of His glorious ways....
Fruit is a great testing ground for it ultimately tells you the origin of the experience... fruit ultimately confirms is this of the flesh.. soul .. spirit.. enemy.... and nothing can counterfeit the glorious fruit of the spirit.... nor would the enemy want to... and if you start in the soul but end in the spirit and are strengthened and encouraged towards God.. well then I truly believe you will learn to walk away more and more from soulish things and linger and live more within those times in the spirit.....
Perfect love casts out fear... moments of visitation while having a fear of God aspect to them will not result in confusion .... they will leave you richer ... more full of Him... if you are more full of you or doubt than check again..... if you are only hungry to have more of the exact experience then while it might have been of God you are faltering into flesh or soul.... for the desire should always be for more of Him.. not any one manifestation.... He is the prize.. He is the end result... not some illusion of spirituality or puffed up pride... but of grace and love and peace and patience and kindness and gentleness AND self control....
Fruit is a great testing ground for where something comes from...
I was laying in my bed and I felt something.... I could have brushed it off... I could have rolled over and hugged my pillow and allowed sleep to drift me back off into another place.....
but there I was ...
I couldn't deny it... my feet ... the white tile.. the cool feeling.. the understanding of where I was.....
I was physically in my bed.... I could feel my pillow underneath my head... I could feel the mattress that my body laid upon and yet... at the same time my eyes and my whole being were else where and the life force of that else where was coursing through me and inviting me towards it....
So what is this all?
I have truly begun to enter into a place of wanting to not teach per se but to explain... to not just write about my encounters but to express the elements that surround them.. because there are moments and times and places for all to enter into moments like and not like these....
So this... I believe this was a vision that then manifested into a visitation of sorts..... there are moments within these times I get confused.... I couldn't tell you exactly where I am for I feel like I am in two places... at times as I go to write the experience only grows more intense and as I write about what has happened or is happening I am brought into that place all the more...
I do not profess complete understanding nor do I attempt to teach upon subjects that I have not the knowledge to do so... but I do this and I know this.... the fruit of these moments is that I am saturated in love... that in these moments scripture and some of the very truths Christ taught upon such as oneness and the relationship with Father come so vividly alive... that a wholeness and a completeness and a hunger for more of Him and His ways filters into all that I am... that is the fruit....
So I know that these are not delusions from the enemy.... ok.. so if they are not delusions from the enemy how do you know that they aren't just you and your over active imagination....
OK ... because I know my imagination and I could never imagine anything so good... oh yes .. can I falter into vain imaginings... yes, I can... but they are never like this... when I find myself drifting into soulish imaginings they are more of this world... and they never leave me in the same place as these moments with the Father leave me in.....
I end up repenting for wasting time thinking upon what if some horror happened to my family or what if something wonderful happened... or playing out multiple versions of conversations in my head ... they are a waste of time and have me step into a soulish place of intrigue... despair... delight... fancy..... they are not of spirit... they are certainly of soul... and those other times .. well those other times there is nothing about repenting... they are full of spirit.. they are full of fruit.. they are full of life.. and I always am stronger for those moments .. more fervently aware of His passions... His goodness... and the things of this world are so much more dim in the light of His glorious ways....
Fruit is a great testing ground for it ultimately tells you the origin of the experience... fruit ultimately confirms is this of the flesh.. soul .. spirit.. enemy.... and nothing can counterfeit the glorious fruit of the spirit.... nor would the enemy want to... and if you start in the soul but end in the spirit and are strengthened and encouraged towards God.. well then I truly believe you will learn to walk away more and more from soulish things and linger and live more within those times in the spirit.....
Perfect love casts out fear... moments of visitation while having a fear of God aspect to them will not result in confusion .... they will leave you richer ... more full of Him... if you are more full of you or doubt than check again..... if you are only hungry to have more of the exact experience then while it might have been of God you are faltering into flesh or soul.... for the desire should always be for more of Him.. not any one manifestation.... He is the prize.. He is the end result... not some illusion of spirituality or puffed up pride... but of grace and love and peace and patience and kindness and gentleness AND self control....
Fruit is a great testing ground for where something comes from...
I knew where I was and my heart leapt for joy... In my Father's house are many rooms and much delight dwells within
My feet felt the cool solid feeling of the tile underneath them and I smiled... I knew where I was and my heart leapt for joy. I was in His house... huge sigh filled my lungs and I could feel the utter delight upon my face and the same emotion and feeling coursed through my whole being.... His house.. home... my home... His home... In His house are many ... oh so many rooms and I was standing in His house ...
And
Since it was His house.. I knew as my feet felt the cool wonderful feeling of the gloriously white tile type material beneath them that He was near.... I closed my eyes and my smile grew even more solid and deep .....
He had come up behind me and was gently welcoming me as His hands touched my shoulders all that I was arose into that place of belonging... of daughter.... of delight.... sheer ... absolute... full delight... delight in being His and knowing Him and His delight over me...
It could have been seconds.. it could have been hours... days or weeks... or a thousand years... I just remained in that place and lingered with His affections pouring out over me and mine flowing back towards Him... like the cycle of water.... a continual flow of release... receiving... absorbing ... releasing back... and the strength... oh the strength that just flowed with the affections .. so sturdy.. so solid... so strong...
And another deep breath and another huge smile and another moment of lingering.... closed eyes... solid fellowship... breathing Him in and breathing Him out and being brought into Him and standing within all that He is and taking that in and relishing in every moment....
Ah and then His hand .. His hand brought my head back upon His shoulder and held me against Himself and I felt His deep breath... His delight in holding me .. His delight in being with me.. His pleasure in being my Father....
And the moments just kept spinning as for lack of better language... and it was good.. oh so very very good... and I saw and I understood... how it truly is so very very good..... beyond good... it's life.. and joy... and beauty... and perfection all wrapped into a oneness that will never cease to exist.....
I am a part of Him and He is a part of me and apart from one another I can do nothing ... I can do nothing on my own.. but in this place... in this place I soar...
This is my food... this is my life... this is all that I hunger for... all that I truly need.... when places and times and moments like these are granted by Him ... well.. what more can any daughter want... time.. time spent in beautiful moments of adoration and affection... of being loved and being saturated by the very one who had known my name before the very foundations of the earth were lain....
He thought of me... He delighted in me and then I was.... He so specifically fashioned me... and He knew we would love one another forever.... He watched over me .. Stood for all time as my Lord.... stood for all time between me and all that would be other than Him.... Stood for all time with His hands upon me ... me bearing His image ... and in so doing declaring to all that would see that I was His ... His daughter... reflector of His passions... reflector of His delight... reflector of His likeness....
In me He sees Himself and He fashioned me for joy.... In us He sees Himself... as a child is a reflection of their parents... just by makeup .. just by genetics... a child reflects those that are called mom and dad... we reflect Him.... His image is branded upon us... We are His and we bear His image....
My most heartfelt prayer is that we would not just bear it well but that we would rest in the depth of the knowledge that it is who we are .. at the most intrinsic level .. it is who we are .. We are His.... this world doesn't own us.. neither height nor depth nor life nor death nor principality nor power nor future nor present.. neither angels or demons.. nothing can separate us from Him... nothing.... nothing in all creation can separate us from His love... that is how solid it is... that is how tangible it is....
Ah .. in my Father's house are so many rooms and within His house there is delight .. .delight forever more
And
Since it was His house.. I knew as my feet felt the cool wonderful feeling of the gloriously white tile type material beneath them that He was near.... I closed my eyes and my smile grew even more solid and deep .....
He had come up behind me and was gently welcoming me as His hands touched my shoulders all that I was arose into that place of belonging... of daughter.... of delight.... sheer ... absolute... full delight... delight in being His and knowing Him and His delight over me...
It could have been seconds.. it could have been hours... days or weeks... or a thousand years... I just remained in that place and lingered with His affections pouring out over me and mine flowing back towards Him... like the cycle of water.... a continual flow of release... receiving... absorbing ... releasing back... and the strength... oh the strength that just flowed with the affections .. so sturdy.. so solid... so strong...
And another deep breath and another huge smile and another moment of lingering.... closed eyes... solid fellowship... breathing Him in and breathing Him out and being brought into Him and standing within all that He is and taking that in and relishing in every moment....
Ah and then His hand .. His hand brought my head back upon His shoulder and held me against Himself and I felt His deep breath... His delight in holding me .. His delight in being with me.. His pleasure in being my Father....
And the moments just kept spinning as for lack of better language... and it was good.. oh so very very good... and I saw and I understood... how it truly is so very very good..... beyond good... it's life.. and joy... and beauty... and perfection all wrapped into a oneness that will never cease to exist.....
I am a part of Him and He is a part of me and apart from one another I can do nothing ... I can do nothing on my own.. but in this place... in this place I soar...
This is my food... this is my life... this is all that I hunger for... all that I truly need.... when places and times and moments like these are granted by Him ... well.. what more can any daughter want... time.. time spent in beautiful moments of adoration and affection... of being loved and being saturated by the very one who had known my name before the very foundations of the earth were lain....
He thought of me... He delighted in me and then I was.... He so specifically fashioned me... and He knew we would love one another forever.... He watched over me .. Stood for all time as my Lord.... stood for all time between me and all that would be other than Him.... Stood for all time with His hands upon me ... me bearing His image ... and in so doing declaring to all that would see that I was His ... His daughter... reflector of His passions... reflector of His delight... reflector of His likeness....
In me He sees Himself and He fashioned me for joy.... In us He sees Himself... as a child is a reflection of their parents... just by makeup .. just by genetics... a child reflects those that are called mom and dad... we reflect Him.... His image is branded upon us... We are His and we bear His image....
My most heartfelt prayer is that we would not just bear it well but that we would rest in the depth of the knowledge that it is who we are .. at the most intrinsic level .. it is who we are .. We are His.... this world doesn't own us.. neither height nor depth nor life nor death nor principality nor power nor future nor present.. neither angels or demons.. nothing can separate us from Him... nothing.... nothing in all creation can separate us from His love... that is how solid it is... that is how tangible it is....
Ah .. in my Father's house are so many rooms and within His house there is delight .. .delight forever more
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Is it me? Is it them? Is this the pizza I ate for dinner? What is this?
I think this is one of the elements of living a life that is sensitive to things in the spirit that has taken me the longest to get used to.... I have had to learn discernment and it has been through trial and error..... and a lot of questioning and a lot of "what is this?" type wonderings....
I mentioned in an earlier post that there was a season where Jim and I thought we were moving to California... to the point where we started looking at schools and housing... we didn't even know why.... which is a heads up but we have moved places before and not really known why..... This was a while ago and so I still reverted quite a lot honestly to fleeces and laid out several ones if we should stay where we were or was it time to go?
Well two things happened... one of the fleeces that I had laid out if we were to stay happened and then an announcement that some friends of ours were headed out west.. to California came....
The mall was the worst place for some of these things.... satisfied with life and not into clothes or the latest trend at all I would go to the mall and feel sucked into those feelings of need or want....
Or I would be feeling fine in life and then feel different weights or emotions come upon me and this was before I knew to ask some of the questions that I now know to ask... but I could be taking a walk and pass a certain house and begin to feel some emotion that I hadn't been feeling before....
Another example is you are feeling physically fine and then you head to church or out somewhere and all of a sudden your back that has never given you problems hurts or your getting a stabbing pain in your right foot.... etc.. pick the symptom or body part....
So I don't want to oversimplify these things nor do I want to make more of something than that which it is... but this is an aspect to growing in discernment and this is an aspect to life in the spirit... and I know that as I have grown and learned I have developed a greater sense of compassion for people and hunger to understand ...
So here are some of my thoughts.... and some of the things I have learned....
I have learned that there are sensitivities in the spirit and that one can pick up on another's feelings whether physical or emotional.... that I know of a man who would enter a building and would be so focused on peace that it would spread through out the entire offices.... the fact is that there just aren't the barriers in the spirit as there are in the natural... your spirit is going to pick up on another's emotions... on another's thoughts... on another's plans....
Learning what to do in those moments is a journey and learning to separate what is you and what isn't you takes time...
Have you ever been walking by someone and a thought pops into your head that is totally foreign to you? Thoughts... emotions.. physical ailments....
Now two things we are always always accountable for the way we behave.. what we do with what we think or feel... and there are no excuses for any other behavior... no matter what we have the choice of how we are going to act.... nor should we go up to people and say that "oh I have this thought and I just know it is yours because it certainly isn't mine..." There are so many ins and outs of this and I didn't want to get complicated in this article...
This is what I wanted to say in this article... simply put.... If you feel things or just happen to know things that you wouldn't know from natural means... if you go somewhere and all of a sudden ... out of the blue... you (who were feeling fine and emotionally let's say neutral for the sake of explanation) all of a sudden feel something physically or in the arena of emotions... just take a moment and ask... is this me? Or is this someone I just passed? Is this someone I know?
Take a moment to ask the Lord about that which you are feeling..... learning to ask these questions and others like it... have helped me grow in discernment and led me into understanding.... Is this me? Are you trying to show me something Lord about myself? Is this someone I just passed on the street? Is there something going on in that house that you would like me to pray about?
Somethings I have learned to do is check myself... before going out.. before going to church... does anything hurt... how am I doing.... and really get a measurement of sorts..... so that when I do go out and out of the blue feel something like a physical affliction I didn't have I can see if there is someone around me who does have that which I had felt and can pray for them.....
Also let me be honest here ... I've learned you can truly turn this sensitivity off.... now whether that is what you should do or not.. that is a different article... but in life there are lots of times that I purposefully become oblivious to that which is around me just to get things done...... you can turn it off...
I know people who could never step foot into a public place if they didn't .. because they are so sensitive that they just pick up on a ton of things that reside in the spirit and upon people....
I wanted to start a simple conversation of sorts and I am not sure I kept it simple enough but it is just a start... I wanted you to know it is ok... that you aren't just experiencing yesterday's pizza... and that you are equipped to learn about these things and grow in discernment.... that we are meant to have sensitivities in the spirit and experience these things so as to grow in our ability and capacity to minister to each other and pray for the Lord's purposes to be done.....
Ask your questions... express your doubts... let's chat
I mentioned in an earlier post that there was a season where Jim and I thought we were moving to California... to the point where we started looking at schools and housing... we didn't even know why.... which is a heads up but we have moved places before and not really known why..... This was a while ago and so I still reverted quite a lot honestly to fleeces and laid out several ones if we should stay where we were or was it time to go?
Well two things happened... one of the fleeces that I had laid out if we were to stay happened and then an announcement that some friends of ours were headed out west.. to California came....
The mall was the worst place for some of these things.... satisfied with life and not into clothes or the latest trend at all I would go to the mall and feel sucked into those feelings of need or want....
Or I would be feeling fine in life and then feel different weights or emotions come upon me and this was before I knew to ask some of the questions that I now know to ask... but I could be taking a walk and pass a certain house and begin to feel some emotion that I hadn't been feeling before....
Another example is you are feeling physically fine and then you head to church or out somewhere and all of a sudden your back that has never given you problems hurts or your getting a stabbing pain in your right foot.... etc.. pick the symptom or body part....
So I don't want to oversimplify these things nor do I want to make more of something than that which it is... but this is an aspect to growing in discernment and this is an aspect to life in the spirit... and I know that as I have grown and learned I have developed a greater sense of compassion for people and hunger to understand ...
So here are some of my thoughts.... and some of the things I have learned....
I have learned that there are sensitivities in the spirit and that one can pick up on another's feelings whether physical or emotional.... that I know of a man who would enter a building and would be so focused on peace that it would spread through out the entire offices.... the fact is that there just aren't the barriers in the spirit as there are in the natural... your spirit is going to pick up on another's emotions... on another's thoughts... on another's plans....
Learning what to do in those moments is a journey and learning to separate what is you and what isn't you takes time...
Have you ever been walking by someone and a thought pops into your head that is totally foreign to you? Thoughts... emotions.. physical ailments....
Now two things we are always always accountable for the way we behave.. what we do with what we think or feel... and there are no excuses for any other behavior... no matter what we have the choice of how we are going to act.... nor should we go up to people and say that "oh I have this thought and I just know it is yours because it certainly isn't mine..." There are so many ins and outs of this and I didn't want to get complicated in this article...
This is what I wanted to say in this article... simply put.... If you feel things or just happen to know things that you wouldn't know from natural means... if you go somewhere and all of a sudden ... out of the blue... you (who were feeling fine and emotionally let's say neutral for the sake of explanation) all of a sudden feel something physically or in the arena of emotions... just take a moment and ask... is this me? Or is this someone I just passed? Is this someone I know?
Take a moment to ask the Lord about that which you are feeling..... learning to ask these questions and others like it... have helped me grow in discernment and led me into understanding.... Is this me? Are you trying to show me something Lord about myself? Is this someone I just passed on the street? Is there something going on in that house that you would like me to pray about?
Somethings I have learned to do is check myself... before going out.. before going to church... does anything hurt... how am I doing.... and really get a measurement of sorts..... so that when I do go out and out of the blue feel something like a physical affliction I didn't have I can see if there is someone around me who does have that which I had felt and can pray for them.....
Also let me be honest here ... I've learned you can truly turn this sensitivity off.... now whether that is what you should do or not.. that is a different article... but in life there are lots of times that I purposefully become oblivious to that which is around me just to get things done...... you can turn it off...
I know people who could never step foot into a public place if they didn't .. because they are so sensitive that they just pick up on a ton of things that reside in the spirit and upon people....
I wanted to start a simple conversation of sorts and I am not sure I kept it simple enough but it is just a start... I wanted you to know it is ok... that you aren't just experiencing yesterday's pizza... and that you are equipped to learn about these things and grow in discernment.... that we are meant to have sensitivities in the spirit and experience these things so as to grow in our ability and capacity to minister to each other and pray for the Lord's purposes to be done.....
Ask your questions... express your doubts... let's chat
Saturday, March 19, 2011
What's all this talk about an ugly duckling?
So what's this about an ugly duck?
We sat in the office and there were lots of us there.... And questions were being asked and questions were being answered ....
Then he turned and looked at my husband and started to speak about how he had been hearing all these things about Jim.... Accuracy... Clarity... Details... What was going on in him?
They talked for a bit and then he turned to me and asked how I felt about it all... Everything that had been going on in my husband's and my life ....
I started to share about how I had felt like an ugly duckling all my life ... All my life I felt like I looked different.. Meaning I felt like I saw things differently than most... Thought upon things in a way that others around me didn't ....experienced things in a way that seemed weird... And that as I had come into contact with these people I was with I felt less like an ugly duck and had realized that maybe the issue was I wasn't a duck at all....
This isn't to be used as an excuse for immaturity or as a motive for lack of accountability ... Or as an entitlement towards feeling like a special elite group of any kind ....
But it helped me understand myself better .... It helped me to know who I was more as a child of God wired in a specific way.. It helped me to understand those things that happened to me or around me and helped me settle more into my own skin....
I guess that is what these last few blog posts are about... Or it's what I want them to be about....
Learn who you are.... If it is revelatory or not ... That's just my journey... Learn who you are.... How you are made up... How you were knitted and formed and learn how to walk within that in love and maturity so that you grow and empower others to grow ...
John Wimber used to say if you can say I will die if I don't church plant than church plant but if there is something else or you lack that focus than do something else .... I guess I interpreted that as find what you would die from if you didn't do it and go do it ....
And I'm seeing more and more that for me I need to see, hear, touch and taste the Kingdom of my Father.... The revelation of it is life to me .... But I also feel so called to help others get to where they need to go... To help others become all they can
So truly my heart in sharing anything is that you would take from it whatever you will and become all you are called towards and if there is anything in my journey that might help you that you would glean from my mistakes and my failures and my steps towards the Father... So we can all move closer and closer to being His bride...
We sat in the office and there were lots of us there.... And questions were being asked and questions were being answered ....
Then he turned and looked at my husband and started to speak about how he had been hearing all these things about Jim.... Accuracy... Clarity... Details... What was going on in him?
They talked for a bit and then he turned to me and asked how I felt about it all... Everything that had been going on in my husband's and my life ....
I started to share about how I had felt like an ugly duckling all my life ... All my life I felt like I looked different.. Meaning I felt like I saw things differently than most... Thought upon things in a way that others around me didn't ....experienced things in a way that seemed weird... And that as I had come into contact with these people I was with I felt less like an ugly duck and had realized that maybe the issue was I wasn't a duck at all....
This isn't to be used as an excuse for immaturity or as a motive for lack of accountability ... Or as an entitlement towards feeling like a special elite group of any kind ....
But it helped me understand myself better .... It helped me to know who I was more as a child of God wired in a specific way.. It helped me to understand those things that happened to me or around me and helped me settle more into my own skin....
I guess that is what these last few blog posts are about... Or it's what I want them to be about....
Learn who you are.... If it is revelatory or not ... That's just my journey... Learn who you are.... How you are made up... How you were knitted and formed and learn how to walk within that in love and maturity so that you grow and empower others to grow ...
John Wimber used to say if you can say I will die if I don't church plant than church plant but if there is something else or you lack that focus than do something else .... I guess I interpreted that as find what you would die from if you didn't do it and go do it ....
And I'm seeing more and more that for me I need to see, hear, touch and taste the Kingdom of my Father.... The revelation of it is life to me .... But I also feel so called to help others get to where they need to go... To help others become all they can
So truly my heart in sharing anything is that you would take from it whatever you will and become all you are called towards and if there is anything in my journey that might help you that you would glean from my mistakes and my failures and my steps towards the Father... So we can all move closer and closer to being His bride...
You saw what? What did you say? Impressions... Thoughts... Ideas... Learning from each other
So here I go jumping again... Hoping there is water in the pool or the crash from this one is going to hurt ... Here is to believing this is wisdom to share...
I want to give a bunch of scenarios to some they might seem funny... To others absurd... To others they might be ridiculous ... But to some they might be life giving and to others they might just help you know that you aren't an ugly duckling...
So here are a few scenarios to start off with:
I couldn't shake the feeling.... Though there was no rhyme or reason for it I couldn't shake the feeling that we were moving to California ... It just felt so real.... But we weren't moving ... A few days later an announcement came good friends of ours were moving... Uhm to where you might ask? California
I saw this couple and just had these ideas about them and started to share..... Those ideas just happened to be answers to a conversation that they had had earlier on in the day.....
I felt her.... She wasn't in the room ... Not even in my house but I felt her and that which she was feeling to the point where the energy she had so saturated my being that I was stirred into the wee hours of the morning praying and interceding for her .....
I saw something growing inside her... I thought she was pregnant ... In a moment I knew she wasn't .. But something was growing inside her... I looked up to see her husband giving announcements and I saw a "W" over his head... I knew she was going to die... He was going to be a widower and the crazier thing was if it all wasn't already blowing my mind was I was being told to pray for his second wife and that the church would be able to receive her....( her being the second wife)
It wasn't two weeks later there was a diagnosis and a fight to pray for her life and then a funeral and eventually a second wife ....
The top three tiles on our wall fell crashing to the floor.... My husband and I just stood there and there was a knowing that there was a major fall out between the top three leaders of a group we were a part of.... Come to find out that very night a meeting had resulted in the separating of ways...
Words... Impressions.... Pictures.... The way that one just perceives the environment... I was at times looked at like I had two heads and well then there were other things .....
I stood in a room where my husband had just ministered and the Lord had given him great accuracy and detail....
At one point after the meeting he was asked how he received those words as he shared the leader was first glad he hadn't shared how he got the words from God and second sort of mocking ... Sort of not he was told from another in the room that he lived in Narnia...
There are more and more stories that flood my mind... More scenarios however I want to step out into that mode of sharing for a second....
The reason I share these things and will share more in the coming days is that I felt on one hand like a weirdo and on the other hand I felt special AND...... Dot dot dot.. I was neither!!!
I was immature at times and didn't understand what was happening and heck there are still many times seeing in part and hearing in part and knowing in part still drives me crazy and still I realize how little I understand...
But I'm learning to understand a bit more and more than anything I am learning how to ask questions of God to help me through the process better... And even more simply I've been around a little bit longer and so I have some experience behind me....
Where I have failed and been wrong... Where I have walked in immaturity and pride.... Where I have lacked love and wisdom and language to communicate....
More than anything I have truly learned love is the path for all to walk upon and within love there is always grace....
My heart in sharing these things and the things I will share is that revelatory things happen ...
Eyes are made open...
Ears do hear..
But how we walk through them and understand them determine many things ....
And I believe and hunger for revelatory individuals to grow and enter into a maturity saturated with love.... So if I share my stories maybe you will feel less like an ugly duck and more like the swan.... Maybe you can learn from my mistakes and not make the same ones ...
Maybe we can just learn from one another how to walk in love with God and one another ... Seeing and hearing and knowing and loving ... The greatest revelation of all times is the revelation of Christ and the Father's heart for His people..
I hunger to walk deeper into a the things of God and I have so much to learn ... So in sharing my stories maybe you'll share some of your own and the maybe we can learn and grow together
I want to give a bunch of scenarios to some they might seem funny... To others absurd... To others they might be ridiculous ... But to some they might be life giving and to others they might just help you know that you aren't an ugly duckling...
So here are a few scenarios to start off with:
I couldn't shake the feeling.... Though there was no rhyme or reason for it I couldn't shake the feeling that we were moving to California ... It just felt so real.... But we weren't moving ... A few days later an announcement came good friends of ours were moving... Uhm to where you might ask? California
I saw this couple and just had these ideas about them and started to share..... Those ideas just happened to be answers to a conversation that they had had earlier on in the day.....
I felt her.... She wasn't in the room ... Not even in my house but I felt her and that which she was feeling to the point where the energy she had so saturated my being that I was stirred into the wee hours of the morning praying and interceding for her .....
I saw something growing inside her... I thought she was pregnant ... In a moment I knew she wasn't .. But something was growing inside her... I looked up to see her husband giving announcements and I saw a "W" over his head... I knew she was going to die... He was going to be a widower and the crazier thing was if it all wasn't already blowing my mind was I was being told to pray for his second wife and that the church would be able to receive her....( her being the second wife)
It wasn't two weeks later there was a diagnosis and a fight to pray for her life and then a funeral and eventually a second wife ....
The top three tiles on our wall fell crashing to the floor.... My husband and I just stood there and there was a knowing that there was a major fall out between the top three leaders of a group we were a part of.... Come to find out that very night a meeting had resulted in the separating of ways...
Words... Impressions.... Pictures.... The way that one just perceives the environment... I was at times looked at like I had two heads and well then there were other things .....
I stood in a room where my husband had just ministered and the Lord had given him great accuracy and detail....
At one point after the meeting he was asked how he received those words as he shared the leader was first glad he hadn't shared how he got the words from God and second sort of mocking ... Sort of not he was told from another in the room that he lived in Narnia...
There are more and more stories that flood my mind... More scenarios however I want to step out into that mode of sharing for a second....
The reason I share these things and will share more in the coming days is that I felt on one hand like a weirdo and on the other hand I felt special AND...... Dot dot dot.. I was neither!!!
I was immature at times and didn't understand what was happening and heck there are still many times seeing in part and hearing in part and knowing in part still drives me crazy and still I realize how little I understand...
But I'm learning to understand a bit more and more than anything I am learning how to ask questions of God to help me through the process better... And even more simply I've been around a little bit longer and so I have some experience behind me....
Where I have failed and been wrong... Where I have walked in immaturity and pride.... Where I have lacked love and wisdom and language to communicate....
More than anything I have truly learned love is the path for all to walk upon and within love there is always grace....
My heart in sharing these things and the things I will share is that revelatory things happen ...
Eyes are made open...
Ears do hear..
But how we walk through them and understand them determine many things ....
And I believe and hunger for revelatory individuals to grow and enter into a maturity saturated with love.... So if I share my stories maybe you will feel less like an ugly duck and more like the swan.... Maybe you can learn from my mistakes and not make the same ones ...
Maybe we can just learn from one another how to walk in love with God and one another ... Seeing and hearing and knowing and loving ... The greatest revelation of all times is the revelation of Christ and the Father's heart for His people..
I hunger to walk deeper into a the things of God and I have so much to learn ... So in sharing my stories maybe you'll share some of your own and the maybe we can learn and grow together
The other side of the coin ..... An introduction of sorts
The things they don't tell you
I was recently asked to give some feedback on what it was like being pastored by this one individual in particular......
There are many reasons why I loved being pastored by him and his wife... In essence they gave life to me and my family in way too many ways to tell you about here...
But those weren't the reasons I was being asked ....
My friend has this huge heart for prophetic people... And he has a gift to truly pass on the love of the Father...
He also has quite the history of being around revelatory people and has experienced the good... The amazing... The bad.... The horrific...
And with it all he emerged as one who had this truly unique blend to him... Appreciating the prophetic individual and ministry and the role it plays within a community while cherishing and loving the individual and seeing them beyond the gift....
Seeing the person .... I knew I was seen as a person by him and his wife ... They saw the "Clark Kent" aspect to the revelatory people they pastored while also appreciating and weighing and growing and incubating the revelatory aspect... The other side of the coin ...
Lately it has been hard for me to stay awake past 8 pm... Just going non stop through the days has me hit the night like a ton of bricks ... But tonight I couldn't sleep....
Time kept passing and I just let myself chill and take it easy... I settled into the atmosphere around me long enough to absorb that which I was being led towards
It wasn't even like I prayed but then... Then I heard the familiar whispers and I thought about my friend who walked along side me and my family and who taught us so much about living and love...
I was up tonight because I could feel several things so deeply that the stirring upon me wouldn't let me go...
Hhhmmm I don't really know how to write this... I'm not asking for pity and I'm not looking to make any excuses... I'm not at all looking to make a special sub culture of people nor am I elevating any one grouping of people above another...
More I guess what I feel like I want to do is this.... I was once asked how I felt personally about that which was happening to my husband.. He was growing astoundingly in accuracy and in detail within revelatory things...
But I was asked how I felt about it... And this is what I said... " I have felt like an ugly duckling all my life and now... Now I realize I'm not ugly I just was never a duck..."
I had always felt weird about the ways I saw things or knew things and how at times I perceived my environment ... I always felt like a duck out of water or like I just didn't belong.....
My pastor friend who walked with me and my family through this time in our lives taught us many things... But more than anything he taught me how to be comfortable within that which I am...
So in these next few blog entries I want to journey through some of my experiences and share the other side of the coin .... The side that isn't seen when you are just taking in revelatory ministry.... The side that I live with and that I know other revelatory people I know live with...
Why? Well I honestly think there are some things that will help ... Simply enough I truly believe I have something to say on this matter and I guess I just hope I do it well
I was recently asked to give some feedback on what it was like being pastored by this one individual in particular......
There are many reasons why I loved being pastored by him and his wife... In essence they gave life to me and my family in way too many ways to tell you about here...
But those weren't the reasons I was being asked ....
My friend has this huge heart for prophetic people... And he has a gift to truly pass on the love of the Father...
He also has quite the history of being around revelatory people and has experienced the good... The amazing... The bad.... The horrific...
And with it all he emerged as one who had this truly unique blend to him... Appreciating the prophetic individual and ministry and the role it plays within a community while cherishing and loving the individual and seeing them beyond the gift....
Seeing the person .... I knew I was seen as a person by him and his wife ... They saw the "Clark Kent" aspect to the revelatory people they pastored while also appreciating and weighing and growing and incubating the revelatory aspect... The other side of the coin ...
Lately it has been hard for me to stay awake past 8 pm... Just going non stop through the days has me hit the night like a ton of bricks ... But tonight I couldn't sleep....
Time kept passing and I just let myself chill and take it easy... I settled into the atmosphere around me long enough to absorb that which I was being led towards
It wasn't even like I prayed but then... Then I heard the familiar whispers and I thought about my friend who walked along side me and my family and who taught us so much about living and love...
I was up tonight because I could feel several things so deeply that the stirring upon me wouldn't let me go...
Hhhmmm I don't really know how to write this... I'm not asking for pity and I'm not looking to make any excuses... I'm not at all looking to make a special sub culture of people nor am I elevating any one grouping of people above another...
More I guess what I feel like I want to do is this.... I was once asked how I felt personally about that which was happening to my husband.. He was growing astoundingly in accuracy and in detail within revelatory things...
But I was asked how I felt about it... And this is what I said... " I have felt like an ugly duckling all my life and now... Now I realize I'm not ugly I just was never a duck..."
I had always felt weird about the ways I saw things or knew things and how at times I perceived my environment ... I always felt like a duck out of water or like I just didn't belong.....
My pastor friend who walked with me and my family through this time in our lives taught us many things... But more than anything he taught me how to be comfortable within that which I am...
So in these next few blog entries I want to journey through some of my experiences and share the other side of the coin .... The side that isn't seen when you are just taking in revelatory ministry.... The side that I live with and that I know other revelatory people I know live with...
Why? Well I honestly think there are some things that will help ... Simply enough I truly believe I have something to say on this matter and I guess I just hope I do it well
A place of bone weary tired gets ministered to........
Sitting with Him this morning... sitting quietly... no words... nothing profound.. but within these quiet moments I am loved... His love comes ever so gently but at the same time with such strength...
My mind has been full with questions and ponderings...
Yet I know this time isn't for any of that to be addressed.... He comes as Father and pulls my head to His chest... and His embrace wraps around me and I am calmed... I am brought into the warmest of His affections ... He knows that there is a place of tired that has saturated my bones and He just has me sit with Him......
Eventually my mind settles and within His embrace I let go..... let go of my strength.. let go of my questions... I let go.... I let go of my fears of how much I lack .... I let go of me... I let go of me....
In that place of intimacy between Father and daughter I am brought into a place I relish ... a place where though I lack He does not... though I falter He never fails... though I doubt He always believes....
In that place I leave behind this place .. this world.. and I absorb the nature of the place that I am from but that I often forget... I must come to this place throughout the day more often.... it is from this place that who I am truly intrinsically finds its voice....
all else falls aways
I can not come to this place without Him... He is that place... He is my home... He is the absolute essence of all I want to be.... He is my strength when I am week... He is my absolute all in all.....
So I sit in the arms of Father this moment and as I rise to move about my day I don't leave that place .... His arms always surround me.... His shadow always towers over me and from this place I hunger to live all the moments of all the days of my life....
My mind has been full with questions and ponderings...
Yet I know this time isn't for any of that to be addressed.... He comes as Father and pulls my head to His chest... and His embrace wraps around me and I am calmed... I am brought into the warmest of His affections ... He knows that there is a place of tired that has saturated my bones and He just has me sit with Him......
Eventually my mind settles and within His embrace I let go..... let go of my strength.. let go of my questions... I let go.... I let go of my fears of how much I lack .... I let go of me... I let go of me....
In that place of intimacy between Father and daughter I am brought into a place I relish ... a place where though I lack He does not... though I falter He never fails... though I doubt He always believes....
In that place I leave behind this place .. this world.. and I absorb the nature of the place that I am from but that I often forget... I must come to this place throughout the day more often.... it is from this place that who I am truly intrinsically finds its voice....
all else falls aways
I can not come to this place without Him... He is that place... He is my home... He is the absolute essence of all I want to be.... He is my strength when I am week... He is my absolute all in all.....
So I sit in the arms of Father this moment and as I rise to move about my day I don't leave that place .... His arms always surround me.... His shadow always towers over me and from this place I hunger to live all the moments of all the days of my life....
Friday, March 18, 2011
The Great Cloud of Witnesses.... we are surrounded by them... witnesses of great faith... of moments with God...
I was reminded today about a time in an airport... I was waiting with my mom.. she and I were spending a few last minutes together before I had to leave.... and to our left was a family awaiting for their mom to return.. Their mom was a soldier and had been away a long time and they were there with signs and balloons... The excitement especially in this one little boy caught my attention so much to the fact that it is still so vivid to me almost a year later....
Then she arrived and the scene was breathtaking and wonderful and even as a complete stranger I was in tears....
So I wrote just yesterday about one of my experiences with Joseph...
Other experiences some what like that and some what different are as the following....
During a meeting I see in the spirit a man whispering to the speaker.... and I also see gold coins tumbling from heaven towards the man..... after the meeting I went to talk to him and I said what I saw..... well just the night before that same man I had seen whispering to him was in a dream that the speaker had and just that day someone had come into his office and handed him a stack of gold coins.....
At a funeral my daughter won't accept that her grandmother is dead... why? because she sees her ....
During this one man's travels he sees men and women who have past away .. who have gone before us.... He sees them upon land that they once traveled themselves and they give him things or tell him things
Ghosts .... necromancy.... why is it in our nature to revert to thinking evil of things that are aspects to the Kingdom of God.......
Let me back track... satan can not create... he can't... he can mimic.. he can counterfeit... he can manipulate... but he can not create..... so people's thoughts and intrigue with ghosts and then people who step full into necromancy are stepping into the counterfeit... they are making the experience or person the object of worship and they are following down a wrong path but just because there is a counterfeit doesn't disregard the Kingdom of God and the authentic...
There is so much more to the great cloud of witnesses than what we understand and I do not AT ALL profess to know much upon that subject.... just that which I have encountered and the stories I have heard others tell....
I think we judge something by the fruit and I know in my encounters and in the encounters I have heard shared... people don't go off worshiping the dead or making more of the experience than that which it was.....
Could I go my whole life with God without every stepping into such an encounter ... of course... but if such encounters bring forth strength or mutual encouragement or push me further on in my pursuit of the Father... than why would I not want to participate in aspects of my Father's house... my Father's kingdom..
We are told in Hebrews...
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. - Hebrews 12:1-3
I picture it sort of like that scene at the airport .... and while I do not attempt to comprehend or understand it fully I have witnessed it enough and personally been strengthened by different visitations that it has found a legitimate place within my walk with the Lord.... I don't seek after them ... nor do I pray for anyone specific "witness" to visit me nor do I ever pray to any of them when they do come but when they come in a dream or a vision or in the day I receive them as the witness they are ... as the messenger they are....
Then she arrived and the scene was breathtaking and wonderful and even as a complete stranger I was in tears....
So I wrote just yesterday about one of my experiences with Joseph...
Other experiences some what like that and some what different are as the following....
During a meeting I see in the spirit a man whispering to the speaker.... and I also see gold coins tumbling from heaven towards the man..... after the meeting I went to talk to him and I said what I saw..... well just the night before that same man I had seen whispering to him was in a dream that the speaker had and just that day someone had come into his office and handed him a stack of gold coins.....
At a funeral my daughter won't accept that her grandmother is dead... why? because she sees her ....
During this one man's travels he sees men and women who have past away .. who have gone before us.... He sees them upon land that they once traveled themselves and they give him things or tell him things
Ghosts .... necromancy.... why is it in our nature to revert to thinking evil of things that are aspects to the Kingdom of God.......
Let me back track... satan can not create... he can't... he can mimic.. he can counterfeit... he can manipulate... but he can not create..... so people's thoughts and intrigue with ghosts and then people who step full into necromancy are stepping into the counterfeit... they are making the experience or person the object of worship and they are following down a wrong path but just because there is a counterfeit doesn't disregard the Kingdom of God and the authentic...
There is so much more to the great cloud of witnesses than what we understand and I do not AT ALL profess to know much upon that subject.... just that which I have encountered and the stories I have heard others tell....
I think we judge something by the fruit and I know in my encounters and in the encounters I have heard shared... people don't go off worshiping the dead or making more of the experience than that which it was.....
Could I go my whole life with God without every stepping into such an encounter ... of course... but if such encounters bring forth strength or mutual encouragement or push me further on in my pursuit of the Father... than why would I not want to participate in aspects of my Father's house... my Father's kingdom..
We are told in Hebrews...
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. - Hebrews 12:1-3
I picture it sort of like that scene at the airport .... and while I do not attempt to comprehend or understand it fully I have witnessed it enough and personally been strengthened by different visitations that it has found a legitimate place within my walk with the Lord.... I don't seek after them ... nor do I pray for anyone specific "witness" to visit me nor do I ever pray to any of them when they do come but when they come in a dream or a vision or in the day I receive them as the witness they are ... as the messenger they are....
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Who I am and who I am not.... Moments of choice ARE defining moments
Oh it is at times so abundantly clear the separation between what it looks like when operating under grace and anointing as opposed to following after Him on one's own... And while we are truly never completely on our own I think we all know that which I speak of ...
While it might not look different on the outside I know the difference.... I feel and understand the difference between the ease of operating under special grace being poured out and walking when it seems as though that same presence isn't as tangible
There is an ease and a grace to one and choice and decisions upon the other....
What do I mean by that?
I know clearly the difference... His presence is more than tangible... His grace abounds and I step effortlessly into a flow where even the thought of doing anything other than that which He desires can't be found within my being ....
I really believe that is not me!!!!
That is me covered by Him... That is me under the anointing .... Under His presence.... That is Him....
Versus I am without excuse and I know how to live.... I know the choices to make... I know how to make them and I know how to live in them...
I absolutely love living in the place where I am covered in grace and His presence is more real to me than my next breath...
But what I learn in the moments of decision are that I can always and I mean always choose Him and His ways ...
Certainly there are moments when making the best choice is a no brainer but in the moment when all screams for another path to be followed ... It is in those moments where I get to see who I am or who I am not
It is in those moments .... In the moments where I step up and make the choice towards Him regardless of what my flesh or soul screams .... Those moments are the moments where I get to experience His strength course through my veins and His empowering presence make it's life with my being
There are times of long suffering... There are prolonged times of dryness and times of valleys and there are times of wilderness ...
Amidst all those times ... Whether mountain or valley... Whether river or desert .... We hold within ourselves choice... We are always accountable ... Always capable ... Always able to choose ....
While it might not look different on the outside I know the difference.... I feel and understand the difference between the ease of operating under special grace being poured out and walking when it seems as though that same presence isn't as tangible
There is an ease and a grace to one and choice and decisions upon the other....
What do I mean by that?
I know clearly the difference... His presence is more than tangible... His grace abounds and I step effortlessly into a flow where even the thought of doing anything other than that which He desires can't be found within my being ....
I really believe that is not me!!!!
That is me covered by Him... That is me under the anointing .... Under His presence.... That is Him....
Versus I am without excuse and I know how to live.... I know the choices to make... I know how to make them and I know how to live in them...
I absolutely love living in the place where I am covered in grace and His presence is more real to me than my next breath...
But what I learn in the moments of decision are that I can always and I mean always choose Him and His ways ...
Certainly there are moments when making the best choice is a no brainer but in the moment when all screams for another path to be followed ... It is in those moments where I get to see who I am or who I am not
It is in those moments .... In the moments where I step up and make the choice towards Him regardless of what my flesh or soul screams .... Those moments are the moments where I get to experience His strength course through my veins and His empowering presence make it's life with my being
There are times of long suffering... There are prolonged times of dryness and times of valleys and there are times of wilderness ...
Amidst all those times ... Whether mountain or valley... Whether river or desert .... We hold within ourselves choice... We are always accountable ... Always capable ... Always able to choose ....
A vision of mountains ... fear is a factor.... perfect love is the answer....
It is always a mountain ... the question is then is it ominous or is it melting like wax
There is much stirring in my heart and mind over the concept of fear and perfect love and destiny.... and I think I will end up staying in this place for a few more posts.... certainly if these articles are tapping into any questions that you may have or a friend may have please feel free to ask....
I had this vision and within it I saw two mountains... the first mountain was set upon a beautiful scene... the sky was a magnificent shade of blue... the grass surrounding it was lush and green.. just the most picturesque vision of a mountain... and within that moment I knew two things... I knew that that mountain would melt like wax before the Lord and that that mountain could be transversed....
Then the picture was of a mountain and it looked huge and foreboding ... the atmosphere was dark and grey scale tones and the sky was menacing and looming and intimidating ... the whole scene looked like something I didn't even want to touch let alone climb.....
Then I felt the Lord speak into my life... I felt Him say that it was all one and the same mountain ... but my perspective was different.... while I could believe for this one set of things to come to pass and that situations and scenarios would play themselves out before the Lord and that there could be nothing that would arise to hinder me there was/were/are other situations and scenarios that terrify me to even look at ... let alone venture towards.... or believe for....
I am rarely timid... but I do succumb to fear... I have tried to be one that rarely shrinks back and yet there is a caution within me not born forth from wisdom but from pain and rejection.... from failure and from disappointment..... instead of yelling forth that there are giants in the land but God is on our side I consider those giants and the cost of yelling forth God is on our side....
At least I have ... but I am emerging again..... emerging away from timidity and fear....
Fear is such a factor....
Sometimes more and sometimes less but it remains in my life as a mountain that I must overcome on a regular basis....
I think of Abraham's lies and Peter's denial and I see that which lead both men to those places and I see a propensity within myself towards both of those things and I am saddened..... I want to be the one walking on water... I want to be the one laying Isaac on the alter... I want to be the one when everyone else has gone away I want to be found at the cross or at the tomb .... waiting.. believing ... hoping....
So what do I do?
What do I do when fear is as tangible or even more so than faith?
I try to lay myself down these days more and more within the presence of perfect love.... finding that as perfect love makes its way within the recesses of my being it bypasses sin and doubt and fear... It births courage within my soul and helps me stand complete.....
Perfect love is the only way up or through either mountain... perfect love directs... corrects... strengths... and guides.... perfect love knows the best path and the best way and it can always be trusted... as it always protects....
So fear still has the capacity to be around the corner... but I am learning to stand in the shadow of Perfect love and its rays and its brilliance cast all else away..............
There is much stirring in my heart and mind over the concept of fear and perfect love and destiny.... and I think I will end up staying in this place for a few more posts.... certainly if these articles are tapping into any questions that you may have or a friend may have please feel free to ask....
I had this vision and within it I saw two mountains... the first mountain was set upon a beautiful scene... the sky was a magnificent shade of blue... the grass surrounding it was lush and green.. just the most picturesque vision of a mountain... and within that moment I knew two things... I knew that that mountain would melt like wax before the Lord and that that mountain could be transversed....
Then the picture was of a mountain and it looked huge and foreboding ... the atmosphere was dark and grey scale tones and the sky was menacing and looming and intimidating ... the whole scene looked like something I didn't even want to touch let alone climb.....
Then I felt the Lord speak into my life... I felt Him say that it was all one and the same mountain ... but my perspective was different.... while I could believe for this one set of things to come to pass and that situations and scenarios would play themselves out before the Lord and that there could be nothing that would arise to hinder me there was/were/are other situations and scenarios that terrify me to even look at ... let alone venture towards.... or believe for....
I am rarely timid... but I do succumb to fear... I have tried to be one that rarely shrinks back and yet there is a caution within me not born forth from wisdom but from pain and rejection.... from failure and from disappointment..... instead of yelling forth that there are giants in the land but God is on our side I consider those giants and the cost of yelling forth God is on our side....
At least I have ... but I am emerging again..... emerging away from timidity and fear....
Fear is such a factor....
Sometimes more and sometimes less but it remains in my life as a mountain that I must overcome on a regular basis....
I think of Abraham's lies and Peter's denial and I see that which lead both men to those places and I see a propensity within myself towards both of those things and I am saddened..... I want to be the one walking on water... I want to be the one laying Isaac on the alter... I want to be the one when everyone else has gone away I want to be found at the cross or at the tomb .... waiting.. believing ... hoping....
So what do I do?
What do I do when fear is as tangible or even more so than faith?
I try to lay myself down these days more and more within the presence of perfect love.... finding that as perfect love makes its way within the recesses of my being it bypasses sin and doubt and fear... It births courage within my soul and helps me stand complete.....
Perfect love is the only way up or through either mountain... perfect love directs... corrects... strengths... and guides.... perfect love knows the best path and the best way and it can always be trusted... as it always protects....
So fear still has the capacity to be around the corner... but I am learning to stand in the shadow of Perfect love and its rays and its brilliance cast all else away..............
Honey ... I was dead when I got them... well.. that is what he said
Upon the article that I wrote recently concerning the already and the not yet.... the promise given and the waiting period there was much interest.... I think that that is a subject that many of us walk through time and time again.....
We receive this dream... this vision... these words full of hope and promise and they are confirmed and confirmed and confirmed and we fill like we are just right around the corner from their fulfillment.... so what happens when that right around the corner becomes a month... a year... 5 years... 10 years... longer........
I was once in Utah sitting at a table with a well known prophetic voice who was telling the stories about how things he had received from the Lord were just coming about 30 some odd years later.... I looked at him and I said .." How did you hold on to believing that the revelation was from the Lord and not just you?" He looked me right in the eye and said, "honey I was dead when I got them..."
Now he had heard the revelation straight from the Lord's mouth and been there, in Heaven, upon that receiving that .... not so the case with most of us......
So that not being the case how do we journey forth from the vision to the fulfillment..... how do we keep our hearts from being full of hopes deferred? How do we successfully lay down promises and hold onto the hand of the one promising and not ever let go.....
How do we keep believing that which was said amidst a journey so many times filled with times of waiting? How do we? Well, in all honesty I don't think we always do.. and I think within that journey who we are and who we will be becomes..... I think we become the person who will walk in the fulfillment by the wait... I think the waiting becomes the soil for which the promise comes forth...
I know I don't journey the already and the not yet as well as I would like... but I am trying to learn to look up more and not as forward... I am trying to focus on Him more and less on the things that have been spoken... They will come to pass... If I walk my life... not even perfectly but just walk it.... look at Abraham willing to lie about Sarah... having an Ishmael.... and yet... he was still Abraham.... and he still one day had Isaac.....
Why do we think we have to be more? I am learning and thinking that it is more in the walking then in how well we walk... that it is more in the not giving up then in the perfection of that walk....
I don't fully understand that which I am about to share but many years ago I was just walking across my living room in New Hampshire when the room opened up and upon that scene was a man sitting there ... dejected... in a prison.... I knew immediately that that man was Joseph...
Joseph of the old testament... Joseph the one who would be released from prison and save all of Egypt... but guess what ... in that prison... he didn't know that he was that Joseph.. oh, he had had the dreams....
But where was he?
He was in prison...... in those moments... there was minimal interaction but I knew to speak to him that he was indeed Joseph and that he would save all Egypt.... and then it was all gone... and my living room and I were as if nothing had happened... except I stood there for a very long time......
Who would we be different if we knew the end of the story.... if we had someone come to us and say but you are (fill in the blank) how would we live our lives today.....
My prayer as we talk about these things is that we would be able to walk forward and boldly.... living confidently in the already and the not yet......
We receive this dream... this vision... these words full of hope and promise and they are confirmed and confirmed and confirmed and we fill like we are just right around the corner from their fulfillment.... so what happens when that right around the corner becomes a month... a year... 5 years... 10 years... longer........
I was once in Utah sitting at a table with a well known prophetic voice who was telling the stories about how things he had received from the Lord were just coming about 30 some odd years later.... I looked at him and I said .." How did you hold on to believing that the revelation was from the Lord and not just you?" He looked me right in the eye and said, "honey I was dead when I got them..."
Now he had heard the revelation straight from the Lord's mouth and been there, in Heaven, upon that receiving that .... not so the case with most of us......
So that not being the case how do we journey forth from the vision to the fulfillment..... how do we keep our hearts from being full of hopes deferred? How do we successfully lay down promises and hold onto the hand of the one promising and not ever let go.....
How do we keep believing that which was said amidst a journey so many times filled with times of waiting? How do we? Well, in all honesty I don't think we always do.. and I think within that journey who we are and who we will be becomes..... I think we become the person who will walk in the fulfillment by the wait... I think the waiting becomes the soil for which the promise comes forth...
I know I don't journey the already and the not yet as well as I would like... but I am trying to learn to look up more and not as forward... I am trying to focus on Him more and less on the things that have been spoken... They will come to pass... If I walk my life... not even perfectly but just walk it.... look at Abraham willing to lie about Sarah... having an Ishmael.... and yet... he was still Abraham.... and he still one day had Isaac.....
Why do we think we have to be more? I am learning and thinking that it is more in the walking then in how well we walk... that it is more in the not giving up then in the perfection of that walk....
I don't fully understand that which I am about to share but many years ago I was just walking across my living room in New Hampshire when the room opened up and upon that scene was a man sitting there ... dejected... in a prison.... I knew immediately that that man was Joseph...
Joseph of the old testament... Joseph the one who would be released from prison and save all of Egypt... but guess what ... in that prison... he didn't know that he was that Joseph.. oh, he had had the dreams....
But where was he?
He was in prison...... in those moments... there was minimal interaction but I knew to speak to him that he was indeed Joseph and that he would save all Egypt.... and then it was all gone... and my living room and I were as if nothing had happened... except I stood there for a very long time......
Who would we be different if we knew the end of the story.... if we had someone come to us and say but you are (fill in the blank) how would we live our lives today.....
My prayer as we talk about these things is that we would be able to walk forward and boldly.... living confidently in the already and the not yet......
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
.. To attempt to reduce Him and His amazing life and sacrifice to a temporary high .. is a pitiful counterfeit to the relationship that is offered ..
When His presence is tangibly abounding stepping into all that it is has an effortless quality and nature to it.... It is His invitation... His initiation... His beckoning... In those moments.. in those beautiful ... glorious moments all else disappears and His ways are that which is strong... His Kingdom apparent... His nature manifested....
Acknowledging that He is always present... always welcoming... always initiating... I attempt to step towards Him and His ways even when all that I am doesn't sense Him.... Without sensing Him physically or practically I am aware that He is always at hand...... That there isn't a moment of my existence that He isn't aware of .... and I want that to be true .... as true as it can be between He and I.....
There it is....
My capacity to linger or tarry is at times pitiful and yet I hunger for Him ....
Hungering for Him can't be to just be filled with some temporary high or thrilling experience.... Too many times it could be said of me and those I have watched that we drank deeply when He came but the days that would then pass would find no change....
would not find us more loving... more patient... more like Him....
Instead they would find us looking forward to the next opportunity towards an experience where His faithfulness would abound and His ways would manifest and He would walk in our midst.....
I tread oh so carefully here for there is so much I do not understand... but I understand this... He is not a candy bar... He is not a drug... He is not a high..... He is the Lord... He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords and He is magnificent and generous... and kind... and strong... and glorious... To attempt to reduce Him to an experience .. To attempt to reduce Him and His amazing life and sacrifice to a temporary high .. is a pitiful counterfeit to the relationship that is offered through the cross.....
There is so much freedom... there is so much to experience regarding Him.... there is so much to know about Him... so much to adore about His nature..... I love ... LOVE ... all those moments when in a gathering His mercies and grace abound.... yet I want more for me... I want more for you.... I want a daily reckoning between He and I and You and Him that goes beyond all else.... that is solid in its consistency and character and make up and within the legacy that it leaves
For as we adore Him and we experience Him... may we not join those crowds who so long ago openly mocked Him..... as we adore Him and experience Him may our worship be made more complete as we abide in Him and become like Him so that His glorious nature can shine through us and He can dwell in us not for a momentary occurrence but for all times.....
While those times of refreshing and renewal are wonderful and beautiful times they are not the end result... they refresh and they renew for a purpose... and that I don't believe is to just hold on and wait for the next moments of refreshing and renewal... but to empower all to walk daily within all that life with the Lord is.... that we can also walk through drier times and times of wilderness ... let us not be like those who were laid low in the wilderness but like those who know their God and stand in all times under His shadow.. within all His grace........
1For I want you to know, brothers,[a] that our fathers were all under(A) the cloud, and all(B) passed through the sea, 2and all were baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea, 3and(C) all ate the same(D) spiritual food, 4and(E) all drank the same spiritual drink. For they drank from the spiritual Rock that followed them, and the Rock was Christ. 5Nevertheless, with most of them God was not pleased, for(F) they were overthrown in the wilderness.
1 Corinthians 10:4-5
Acknowledging that He is always present... always welcoming... always initiating... I attempt to step towards Him and His ways even when all that I am doesn't sense Him.... Without sensing Him physically or practically I am aware that He is always at hand...... That there isn't a moment of my existence that He isn't aware of .... and I want that to be true .... as true as it can be between He and I.....
There it is....
My capacity to linger or tarry is at times pitiful and yet I hunger for Him ....
Hungering for Him can't be to just be filled with some temporary high or thrilling experience.... Too many times it could be said of me and those I have watched that we drank deeply when He came but the days that would then pass would find no change....
would not find us more loving... more patient... more like Him....
Instead they would find us looking forward to the next opportunity towards an experience where His faithfulness would abound and His ways would manifest and He would walk in our midst.....
I tread oh so carefully here for there is so much I do not understand... but I understand this... He is not a candy bar... He is not a drug... He is not a high..... He is the Lord... He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords and He is magnificent and generous... and kind... and strong... and glorious... To attempt to reduce Him to an experience .. To attempt to reduce Him and His amazing life and sacrifice to a temporary high .. is a pitiful counterfeit to the relationship that is offered through the cross.....
There is so much freedom... there is so much to experience regarding Him.... there is so much to know about Him... so much to adore about His nature..... I love ... LOVE ... all those moments when in a gathering His mercies and grace abound.... yet I want more for me... I want more for you.... I want a daily reckoning between He and I and You and Him that goes beyond all else.... that is solid in its consistency and character and make up and within the legacy that it leaves
For as we adore Him and we experience Him... may we not join those crowds who so long ago openly mocked Him..... as we adore Him and experience Him may our worship be made more complete as we abide in Him and become like Him so that His glorious nature can shine through us and He can dwell in us not for a momentary occurrence but for all times.....
While those times of refreshing and renewal are wonderful and beautiful times they are not the end result... they refresh and they renew for a purpose... and that I don't believe is to just hold on and wait for the next moments of refreshing and renewal... but to empower all to walk daily within all that life with the Lord is.... that we can also walk through drier times and times of wilderness ... let us not be like those who were laid low in the wilderness but like those who know their God and stand in all times under His shadow.. within all His grace........
1For I want you to know, brothers,[a] that our fathers were all under(A) the cloud, and all(B) passed through the sea, 2and all were baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea, 3and(C) all ate the same(D) spiritual food, 4and(E) all drank the same spiritual drink. For they drank from the spiritual Rock that followed them, and the Rock was Christ. 5Nevertheless, with most of them God was not pleased, for(F) they were overthrown in the wilderness.
1 Corinthians 10:4-5
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
In those seasons between promise and fulfillment so much is tested but mainly the individual ...
A revelation is given... A dream... A vision.... A visitation.... A word... A hope is birthed and thoughts of happenings are dreamed up but as we learn to walk out time of deliverance of a word versus fulfillment of that word we are confronted by fear and doubt....
In scripture we read hope deferred makes a heart sick....
So many various issues swirl....
There is a person.... There is God... There is a revelation..... And then there is time.... A promise .... A hope .... In those seasons between promise and fulfillment so much is tested but mainly the individual ...
In times of the already and not yet or in other words in the time between revelation and the actual fulfillment one has so many opportunities ...
Opportunities to trust or to fear... To believe or to doubt .... And everything in between.... Some moments of strength are swapped by times of weakness
As we journey honestly before God and man I think lay opportunities to become and rise up and be all that we are called towards ...
As we learn the difference between who we are and the gifts that surround ourselves or other individuals ... Who we are before God and the promises spoken into our lives we have an opportunity to grasp we are so much more than the gifts or promises....
That they don't define us nor do they dictate that which we are.... Who we are is set regardless of gift, anointing, calling, or promise.... Those all are over flows of His graces .... Parts of the puzzle but not pictures of the whole
Learning to walk as I am regardless of lot in life .... Learning to walk as His child and hold lighter and lighter to anything other than Him
While I appreciate all of those things I describe I hunger to walk before Him regardless of the overflow of His graces.... I hunger to walk out my days before Him solely as His
In scripture we read hope deferred makes a heart sick....
So many various issues swirl....
There is a person.... There is God... There is a revelation..... And then there is time.... A promise .... A hope .... In those seasons between promise and fulfillment so much is tested but mainly the individual ...
In times of the already and not yet or in other words in the time between revelation and the actual fulfillment one has so many opportunities ...
Opportunities to trust or to fear... To believe or to doubt .... And everything in between.... Some moments of strength are swapped by times of weakness
As we journey honestly before God and man I think lay opportunities to become and rise up and be all that we are called towards ...
As we learn the difference between who we are and the gifts that surround ourselves or other individuals ... Who we are before God and the promises spoken into our lives we have an opportunity to grasp we are so much more than the gifts or promises....
That they don't define us nor do they dictate that which we are.... Who we are is set regardless of gift, anointing, calling, or promise.... Those all are over flows of His graces .... Parts of the puzzle but not pictures of the whole
Learning to walk as I am regardless of lot in life .... Learning to walk as His child and hold lighter and lighter to anything other than Him
While I appreciate all of those things I describe I hunger to walk before Him regardless of the overflow of His graces.... I hunger to walk out my days before Him solely as His
Monday, March 14, 2011
What else can I do.... He is all that I want
There are times words just float all around me and come forward with ease and form themselves into paragraphs and pages.... there are times thoughts and ideas just flow and my fingers can not jump quick enough upon the keys as to get the words out....
But tonight.... as the evening just begins I emerge from a day of being under His presence... being filled with longing... being shaken and stirred beyond that which I have known in a long time.....
There is much upon my heart and there is much upon my soul and my eyes stare out into the unknown of what the tomorrows may bring ... I lack the understanding of that which is being said just that there is a prelude playing.... an invitation beckoning... new horizons emerging.....
Today there has been a setting of affections... I have taken walks and paused throughout my day and stood silently in the midst of my kitchen... I have looked out windows and looked upon the screen and looked and looked and looked..... I have paused... I have journeyed... I have seen......
While understanding lacks I have lived a deliberate laying down before Him and a solemn type of a day... a day where I have looked up at Him and taken a place of creation in light of Creator.... object of affection in light of the King of all Kings.... child in light of the Father.....
A settled acknowledgement of His greatness has emerged within my soul.... while my heart still pounds within my being and my mind still races to try to comprehend that which this moment is about I stand and I stand staring up at Him...
Glorious...
Radiant...
Powerful...
Full of Grace...
Abounding in Mercy...
In my simple acknowledgement I yearn to yield all that I am to all that He is and dance with Him and be with Him and merge all that I am with all that He is and live that ... truly live that..... whatever that may mean..... what else can I do.... He is all that I want
But tonight.... as the evening just begins I emerge from a day of being under His presence... being filled with longing... being shaken and stirred beyond that which I have known in a long time.....
There is much upon my heart and there is much upon my soul and my eyes stare out into the unknown of what the tomorrows may bring ... I lack the understanding of that which is being said just that there is a prelude playing.... an invitation beckoning... new horizons emerging.....
Today there has been a setting of affections... I have taken walks and paused throughout my day and stood silently in the midst of my kitchen... I have looked out windows and looked upon the screen and looked and looked and looked..... I have paused... I have journeyed... I have seen......
While understanding lacks I have lived a deliberate laying down before Him and a solemn type of a day... a day where I have looked up at Him and taken a place of creation in light of Creator.... object of affection in light of the King of all Kings.... child in light of the Father.....
A settled acknowledgement of His greatness has emerged within my soul.... while my heart still pounds within my being and my mind still races to try to comprehend that which this moment is about I stand and I stand staring up at Him...
Glorious...
Radiant...
Powerful...
Full of Grace...
Abounding in Mercy...
In my simple acknowledgement I yearn to yield all that I am to all that He is and dance with Him and be with Him and merge all that I am with all that He is and live that ... truly live that..... whatever that may mean..... what else can I do.... He is all that I want
David Arkenstone : Celtic Hymns - Be Thou My Vision
I hear this song in the atmosphere today .... the melodies upon the air... saturating all that I am and permeating every thought.....
Man's praise empty
No matter what may come
He is where my eyes rest.. upon Him I focus.....
No matter what shall fall
High King of Heaven, my victory won, May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun! Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Such an interesting phrase to say as we watch such tragedy play out before our eyes and the world stage...
Can we say ... Whatever befall... When all the whatevers of life are staring us down and terrifying to think upon?
There is only one place that empowers us to say we can
Only one place of grace that allows us to see the greatest of sadnesses and horrors and still be able to say whatever befalls... only one place that grants us the perspective and vision ... So be thou my vision... be my sight.. .my strength... my heart.. my mind..... my hands....
be thou my vision because without that... without Him as the keeper of me and my vision I will falter...
He is what keeps my feet solid though all be shaken... He is what empowers me to believe in all that is good in the face of all that would be bad... Him and Him alone....
So whatever befall... Because I set my heart and mind and affections upon Him... The High King... High King of Heaven.... Heart of my own heart.... His heart alive and beating in me.... keeping my heart from faltering and failing at the sight of all that would steal my breath away... Him... being the air I breath and the beat of my heart.... the strength of my life... the possessor of my soul....
So with that I lift up my prayers for all peoples and ask for the Lord to be our vision in all things and at all times...
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Such an interesting phrase to say as we watch such tragedy play out before our eyes and the world stage...
Can we say ... Whatever befall... When all the whatevers of life are staring us down and terrifying to think upon?
There is only one place that empowers us to say we can
Only one place of grace that allows us to see the greatest of sadnesses and horrors and still be able to say whatever befalls... only one place that grants us the perspective and vision ... So be thou my vision... be my sight.. .my strength... my heart.. my mind..... my hands....
be thou my vision because without that... without Him as the keeper of me and my vision I will falter...
He is what keeps my feet solid though all be shaken... He is what empowers me to believe in all that is good in the face of all that would be bad... Him and Him alone....
So whatever befall... Because I set my heart and mind and affections upon Him... The High King... High King of Heaven.... Heart of my own heart.... His heart alive and beating in me.... keeping my heart from faltering and failing at the sight of all that would steal my breath away... Him... being the air I breath and the beat of my heart.... the strength of my life... the possessor of my soul....
So with that I lift up my prayers for all peoples and ask for the Lord to be our vision in all things and at all times...
He doesn't come.... He is always present... Awakening ever more into that reality
I let go of past
I let go of preference
I let go of favorite songs that have been sung
I let go of comfort
I let go of familiar
I let go of words like me and mine
The propensity for preference of culture to stand as an idol and a hindrance in my life is huge..... learning to be blinded to all else but Christ
I have partaken in many beautiful expressions of different aspects to God and His Kingdom and been shaped and honed by them.... But the flow of all things comes all the more naturally when eyes are fixed and heart is set upon the One
Learning to separate cultural beliefs of how God moves and watching Him daily to see how He is moving...
The capacity for God to be known by all is enormous ... He has made Himself known and continues to do so within every moment....
As I lay down all that I thought I knew I am met and as I lay down known ways He has met me and ventured into what is uncharted territory for me I have stepped into a place (that all can step into) where His presence.... His peace.... His ways.... Him.... Who He is are manifested ....
Quiet or loud.... Public or private.... He doesn't come ... He is always present .... So it is an awakening into that place... That acknowledgement.... It is an opening up of heart, mind and eyes to the fact that He is always upon me and you and all....
An invitation to awareness of His nature and Him as Father and the reality of His presence is bursting forth from His heart to all ..... To all.... To know Him and be known by Him
I let go of preference
I let go of favorite songs that have been sung
I let go of comfort
I let go of familiar
I let go of words like me and mine
The propensity for preference of culture to stand as an idol and a hindrance in my life is huge..... learning to be blinded to all else but Christ
I have partaken in many beautiful expressions of different aspects to God and His Kingdom and been shaped and honed by them.... But the flow of all things comes all the more naturally when eyes are fixed and heart is set upon the One
Learning to separate cultural beliefs of how God moves and watching Him daily to see how He is moving...
The capacity for God to be known by all is enormous ... He has made Himself known and continues to do so within every moment....
As I lay down all that I thought I knew I am met and as I lay down known ways He has met me and ventured into what is uncharted territory for me I have stepped into a place (that all can step into) where His presence.... His peace.... His ways.... Him.... Who He is are manifested ....
Quiet or loud.... Public or private.... He doesn't come ... He is always present .... So it is an awakening into that place... That acknowledgement.... It is an opening up of heart, mind and eyes to the fact that He is always upon me and you and all....
An invitation to awareness of His nature and Him as Father and the reality of His presence is bursting forth from His heart to all ..... To all.... To know Him and be known by Him
Friday, March 11, 2011
Deep pleasure
In the deep places of my heart dwells images of my Father's house and within His affections do I lose myself and into His ways do I venture
Perfection... Absolute perfection
He is amazing and perfect in all His ways....
Glorious and wonderful
My Kingdom home is radiant and spectacular ... Breathtaking .... Full of life... Gleaming forth wonder and awe in it's splendor and beauty
His smile resides in the Heavens and His pleasure upon the Earth.... His fingers reach down to touch and comfort and assure mankind of His great goodness
That no matter what may happen our assurance and confidence may always rest in how solid His goodness is and how we are made truly complete by that goodness which knows no end nor surrender
My Father is stunning in His capacity and resolve that we would know Him as He is.... That we would experience His passion ... That we would know His love
Perfection... Absolute perfection
He is amazing and perfect in all His ways....
Glorious and wonderful
My Kingdom home is radiant and spectacular ... Breathtaking .... Full of life... Gleaming forth wonder and awe in it's splendor and beauty
His smile resides in the Heavens and His pleasure upon the Earth.... His fingers reach down to touch and comfort and assure mankind of His great goodness
That no matter what may happen our assurance and confidence may always rest in how solid His goodness is and how we are made truly complete by that goodness which knows no end nor surrender
My Father is stunning in His capacity and resolve that we would know Him as He is.... That we would experience His passion ... That we would know His love
Your knowing glances.... Be wooed to His ways... Walk by His side...
I dwell by my Father's side and in His shadow is where I abide.. His great goodness overshadows all my steps and in His ways do I linger and make my home
How good is it to see You... To know You
You delight in showing me Your house and the place where You reign... I feel her air course through my being and I breath in deeply... Delight fills all ... And in partaking of these moments I am made more alive than ever before
In all my ways I acknowledge You as belonging to You.... I will walk all the days that You allot me upon this Earth branded by Your smile and Your affections.... Your gaze warms all that I am .... You live within me and I reflect Your image .... Bearer of Your grace... Marked by Your love... Displaying Your power .... Dying to all I would live for so that I may live for all that You died for....
Your knowing glances fill me with images of Your kingdom and align my passions rightly to You and all that truly matters
How good is it to see You... To know You
You delight in showing me Your house and the place where You reign... I feel her air course through my being and I breath in deeply... Delight fills all ... And in partaking of these moments I am made more alive than ever before
In all my ways I acknowledge You as belonging to You.... I will walk all the days that You allot me upon this Earth branded by Your smile and Your affections.... Your gaze warms all that I am .... You live within me and I reflect Your image .... Bearer of Your grace... Marked by Your love... Displaying Your power .... Dying to all I would live for so that I may live for all that You died for....
Your knowing glances fill me with images of Your kingdom and align my passions rightly to You and all that truly matters
I must live the other .... Whatever that may mean
What does it mean to lose my life to find it.... I don't mean theoretically ... What does it mean...
Lose to gain
What do I lose? What do I gain?
What does it mean to be last?
What do I do last in line?
What does it mean to die so that I may live?
What does it mean to be strong in weakness? Rich in poverty? What does it mean?
I read that we are to be in this place that we call the world but not of it... For we are of another place all together... I want to live that other ....
I am a citizen of a different land ... I am her ambassador
This place's ways need to be more foreign to me....
I am so hungry to live ... Truly live... I am so hungry to taste and see the goodness of my God in the land of the living ....
I am so hungry to know His ways and His thoughts.... I am so hungry to not judge as the world does by to comprehend all that my Father sees and does
This journey is taking me deeper... Making me hungrier ..... Stirring my passions... Igniting my determination
Lose to gain
What do I lose? What do I gain?
What does it mean to be last?
What do I do last in line?
What does it mean to die so that I may live?
What does it mean to be strong in weakness? Rich in poverty? What does it mean?
I read that we are to be in this place that we call the world but not of it... For we are of another place all together... I want to live that other ....
I am a citizen of a different land ... I am her ambassador
This place's ways need to be more foreign to me....
I am so hungry to live ... Truly live... I am so hungry to taste and see the goodness of my God in the land of the living ....
I am so hungry to know His ways and His thoughts.... I am so hungry to not judge as the world does by to comprehend all that my Father sees and does
This journey is taking me deeper... Making me hungrier ..... Stirring my passions... Igniting my determination
It's a crazy road we are called to but how I'll chose crazy like this any day
You must lose to find
You must die to live
You must be last to be first
You must love when hated
You must be silent towards accusation
You must deny oneself
The least is the greatest
The King becomes the servant
The servant becomes a son
This is the Kingdom I'm from... These are the ways I live by... This is the air I breathe
His ways are higher than
His thoughts so much more
His passions stronger
I have lived other... But not better... This crazy road as narrow as it is is the best way... Discovering that more so every day
You must die to live
You must be last to be first
You must love when hated
You must be silent towards accusation
You must deny oneself
The least is the greatest
The King becomes the servant
The servant becomes a son
This is the Kingdom I'm from... These are the ways I live by... This is the air I breathe
His ways are higher than
His thoughts so much more
His passions stronger
I have lived other... But not better... This crazy road as narrow as it is is the best way... Discovering that more so every day
Thursday, March 10, 2011
and I can see why He called us after creating us very good all the more......
I got in the car to drive Gregory to school and I started to think upon the next 100 days... Day 1... what does it mean? As I placed my attentions upon the idea of walking in a way that Christ did ... seeing the Father and doing that which was seen my hands exploded in heat.....
But.... there was no one besides me and the toddlers in the car... no thought of who to pray for... but then this came and I realized that this season was already looking different than any thought..... I pulled out my voice memo thing on my iphone and began to record that which was pulsating through my being.... and causing me to come to place of near combustibility....
This season isn't about performance or some striving after Him.... it isn't a frantic looking around always willing and waiting to be told to do something or go somewhere or drive in a certain direction only to come upon someone in need....
IT IS however.... a season of learning what it means to reside in Him.... to be one with Him... to have His life lived through me and to walk into a season of being that which I already am.... a season of not ignoring it or allowing distractions to take away from it.... an aligning of myself to His ways and His thoughts and Him.....
Within the very essence of being .. of just being... of just getting up in the morning and going about my day... I am ... and that which He is is upon me.... awakening a passion and a determination to no longer deny any aspect of that but not amp up any aspect of that either..... of a calm and yet passionate and yet peaceful and yet excited and yet full and yet being poured out aspect to all that I am when I am abiding ..............
In this journey as each day passes I feel more and more released into becoming who I was always intentioned to be... and as the past is healed and fears fall away from being perfectly loved I am entering into this place of hope and trust and wonderment.....
The journey with the Father is taking on these phenomenal qualities to life and living...... and I can see why He called us after creating us very good all the more...... my delight is in Him and His delight is in us and His assessment and appraisal of the situations of our lives and who we are are truly a marvelous thing to behold..................
But.... there was no one besides me and the toddlers in the car... no thought of who to pray for... but then this came and I realized that this season was already looking different than any thought..... I pulled out my voice memo thing on my iphone and began to record that which was pulsating through my being.... and causing me to come to place of near combustibility....
This season isn't about performance or some striving after Him.... it isn't a frantic looking around always willing and waiting to be told to do something or go somewhere or drive in a certain direction only to come upon someone in need....
IT IS however.... a season of learning what it means to reside in Him.... to be one with Him... to have His life lived through me and to walk into a season of being that which I already am.... a season of not ignoring it or allowing distractions to take away from it.... an aligning of myself to His ways and His thoughts and Him.....
Within the very essence of being .. of just being... of just getting up in the morning and going about my day... I am ... and that which He is is upon me.... awakening a passion and a determination to no longer deny any aspect of that but not amp up any aspect of that either..... of a calm and yet passionate and yet peaceful and yet excited and yet full and yet being poured out aspect to all that I am when I am abiding ..............
In this journey as each day passes I feel more and more released into becoming who I was always intentioned to be... and as the past is healed and fears fall away from being perfectly loved I am entering into this place of hope and trust and wonderment.....
The journey with the Father is taking on these phenomenal qualities to life and living...... and I can see why He called us after creating us very good all the more...... my delight is in Him and His delight is in us and His assessment and appraisal of the situations of our lives and who we are are truly a marvelous thing to behold..................
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Amazing love... Beautiful passions
Confronted by the amazing affections of God...
His love is absolutely breathtaking
All encompassing
Transforming
It's strength is phenomenal
It's capacity to endure all things endless
It's ability to believe all things priceless
The joy that envelopes the Lord's heart as we enter into His passion is stunning
I can't express what is happening within my soul but there is an extravagance of delight as I am made full of Him.. Partaking in His delight over me and my delight over Him
A never ending circle of beauty and grace
His love is absolutely breathtaking
All encompassing
Transforming
It's strength is phenomenal
It's capacity to endure all things endless
It's ability to believe all things priceless
The joy that envelopes the Lord's heart as we enter into His passion is stunning
I can't express what is happening within my soul but there is an extravagance of delight as I am made full of Him.. Partaking in His delight over me and my delight over Him
A never ending circle of beauty and grace
Another 100 day project .... Seriously trying to think what got under my skin over an hour ago...
The afternoon is turning out much differently than I anticipated and I am not quite sure what got under my skin.... but something.. some thought has changed the course and the direction of where I was headed...
I have called caution patience... I have called silence respect.... I have called hesitation wisdom....
Really what all of that is is self preservation and some false absurd notion of polite adherence to some unspoken rules..... metering out love isn't the way that Christ walked but it has been the way I have walked.... in situations where I have felt safe and accepted and affirmed I have loved and been one way and in other situations I have walked in and surveyed the situation at hand and decided where I was going to walk and how much of myself was I going to expose....
Well where do good boundaries and appropriate social behavior and intelligent public decorum come into play? I don't want to step out and do something outrageous for the sake of the action itself... but how many times have I gone timidly forward with something that I knew was God because of fear or concern or consideration of any multitude of factors that really shouldn't ever played part in how I behaved.....
I have watered down the passions that stir within me for others because of a concern of how I would look... I haven't done so many things because of concern which falls politely under the guise of socially acceptable mores but truly is cowardice at best and at worst well, I am not sure what it would be but self preservation is pretty much up there I would suppose....
I don't want to risk for the sake of risking and I don't want to act out in any given way just for the sake of liberty and acting in freedom but I also don't want to not risk because I wonder what the consequences of it will be and I don't want to not do something anymore because I am concerned with what it will mean to me....
I am supposedly dead to self... I say supposedly because while that is the definition given of the new creature created by Christ at salvation ... dead to self arisen to Christ... self is very much alive and awake and happening... Why? because death hurts.... death and self denial are contrary to any wise plan of human evolution..... But I don't want to evolve like that anymore...
I have no clue or preconceived idea or instruction of what this looks like.. but something has been awoken and stirred up within me and once again I am exhausted by living any status quo situation....
Last year at this time I was doing an experiment of what would it mean to live love for 100 days.... well I do think this.... I think another 100 day project is upon me.... What would it look like for 100 days to live life looking and watching and waiting upon the Father and doing that which He was doing? Living intentionally and purposefully the Father's will and acting upon inclinations and feelings and thoughts and impressions....
I have no idea what will transpire over the next 100 days.... but I think this..... this whole blog entry was started because I was angry at myself for not being whole hearted enough and shrinking back and not stepping forward..... so I will take whatever it does hold over living compromised any day................... Here we go jumping ......
I have called caution patience... I have called silence respect.... I have called hesitation wisdom....
Really what all of that is is self preservation and some false absurd notion of polite adherence to some unspoken rules..... metering out love isn't the way that Christ walked but it has been the way I have walked.... in situations where I have felt safe and accepted and affirmed I have loved and been one way and in other situations I have walked in and surveyed the situation at hand and decided where I was going to walk and how much of myself was I going to expose....
Well where do good boundaries and appropriate social behavior and intelligent public decorum come into play? I don't want to step out and do something outrageous for the sake of the action itself... but how many times have I gone timidly forward with something that I knew was God because of fear or concern or consideration of any multitude of factors that really shouldn't ever played part in how I behaved.....
I have watered down the passions that stir within me for others because of a concern of how I would look... I haven't done so many things because of concern which falls politely under the guise of socially acceptable mores but truly is cowardice at best and at worst well, I am not sure what it would be but self preservation is pretty much up there I would suppose....
I don't want to risk for the sake of risking and I don't want to act out in any given way just for the sake of liberty and acting in freedom but I also don't want to not risk because I wonder what the consequences of it will be and I don't want to not do something anymore because I am concerned with what it will mean to me....
I am supposedly dead to self... I say supposedly because while that is the definition given of the new creature created by Christ at salvation ... dead to self arisen to Christ... self is very much alive and awake and happening... Why? because death hurts.... death and self denial are contrary to any wise plan of human evolution..... But I don't want to evolve like that anymore...
I have no clue or preconceived idea or instruction of what this looks like.. but something has been awoken and stirred up within me and once again I am exhausted by living any status quo situation....
Last year at this time I was doing an experiment of what would it mean to live love for 100 days.... well I do think this.... I think another 100 day project is upon me.... What would it look like for 100 days to live life looking and watching and waiting upon the Father and doing that which He was doing? Living intentionally and purposefully the Father's will and acting upon inclinations and feelings and thoughts and impressions....
I have no idea what will transpire over the next 100 days.... but I think this..... this whole blog entry was started because I was angry at myself for not being whole hearted enough and shrinking back and not stepping forward..... so I will take whatever it does hold over living compromised any day................... Here we go jumping ......
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
As the night arrives with its quiet hours I can find myself sitting and pondering the ways of the day... but amidst all the best conclusions are drawn
Sitting in my chair this early morning hour my hands hold onto the seat and I am still.... head bent low ...
I think I am getting glimpses into the heart of David and that which he wrote within the psalms... words full of worship... words full of the acknowledgement of the awesomeness of God.. His qualities and attributes that He displays for us to see and partake in... His ways.... but also words full of sorrow... words full of doubt... words full of complex questions that don't come with easy answers most time no answers but even more questions...
As I ponder all these things tonight I come to a conclusion that we also find time after time within the words and heart of David.... that amidst questions and amidst worship... amidst the unknown and the known.. amidst all the calls to remember the faithfulness and character and history of God there are people... there are people
There are people who are just trying to find their way.. just trying to make a way... just trying to navigate all the different terrains life offers all of us.....
Beyond any platitude or pathetic attempt to answer the great mysteries or quandaries that are there to struggle with .... I have found myself just stepping into the conclusion that David found amidst his questioning...
Within the words of Psalm 73 comes the way of peace amidst all questions and all uncertainties...
When I tried to understand all this,
it troubled me deeply
till I entered the sanctuary of God;
.... Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
............ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
But as for me... it is good to be near God............... with that I smile and peace enters as does a time for rest.........
I think I am getting glimpses into the heart of David and that which he wrote within the psalms... words full of worship... words full of the acknowledgement of the awesomeness of God.. His qualities and attributes that He displays for us to see and partake in... His ways.... but also words full of sorrow... words full of doubt... words full of complex questions that don't come with easy answers most time no answers but even more questions...
As I ponder all these things tonight I come to a conclusion that we also find time after time within the words and heart of David.... that amidst questions and amidst worship... amidst the unknown and the known.. amidst all the calls to remember the faithfulness and character and history of God there are people... there are people
There are people who are just trying to find their way.. just trying to make a way... just trying to navigate all the different terrains life offers all of us.....
Beyond any platitude or pathetic attempt to answer the great mysteries or quandaries that are there to struggle with .... I have found myself just stepping into the conclusion that David found amidst his questioning...
Within the words of Psalm 73 comes the way of peace amidst all questions and all uncertainties...
When I tried to understand all this,
it troubled me deeply
till I entered the sanctuary of God;
.... Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
............ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
But as for me... it is good to be near God............... with that I smile and peace enters as does a time for rest.........
In not seeing You I see You all the clearer............
Having written lately about the times when the Lord makes more visible His presence and I wrote the "I see You ... You see me" articles .... I have grown in my understanding of how tender our Lord is... His gaze and those things He does have served to bring me to my knees often throughout my most recent times with Him....
Today I have found a new equilibrium within our journey together.... a time when as a daughter I jump in blind.... I jump in with trust and dependence .....
A time when it isn't visibly clear that He sees me .... A time when it isn't visibly clear that I see Him.... as if a heavy fog descended upon us ...
But I rely on that which I know about Him regardless of what sight He brings or allows.....
His love isn't any less when it isn't seen or heard
His character isn't any different
His ways don't change
His nearness isn't altered....
When I don't see I know that I know that I know He and His affections are always present.. The blessing of knowing Him and those parts of Him He reveals in moments of sight are the most translated into reality when upon their absence that which flows forth from them still flows...
Within the concept of many seeking out experiences for the sake of the experience or moments of sight for the sake of it and not what it brings carries that person into moments when sight or experience are not present into a place of weakness....
I am not dependent on what I see or the experiences that I may have... my dependence is upon my God... and that He never changes... and so whether I see Him... or feel Him... or hear Him... I can always know Him... He is always present... we know that because He says so in His word......
I have actually loved these last few days where sight hasn't been as prevalent because they have shown me that the work my Father has done within me through those moments of such grace have born down upon me and are refashioning me into more of His... That I intrinsically knee jerk reaction into knowing His love and affection whether He is seen or experienced or just thought upon....
I love that He is always with me... I love that He is always present... I love that He sees me at all times regardless of whatever sight I have.... I love that He calls me His own... and that I am His... I love that ...
In not seeing You I see You all the clearer and I love these moments between us.... You are ever so tender and kind.... strong and all knowing.... awesome and mighty....
Today I have found a new equilibrium within our journey together.... a time when as a daughter I jump in blind.... I jump in with trust and dependence .....
A time when it isn't visibly clear that He sees me .... A time when it isn't visibly clear that I see Him.... as if a heavy fog descended upon us ...
But I rely on that which I know about Him regardless of what sight He brings or allows.....
His love isn't any less when it isn't seen or heard
His character isn't any different
His ways don't change
His nearness isn't altered....
When I don't see I know that I know that I know He and His affections are always present.. The blessing of knowing Him and those parts of Him He reveals in moments of sight are the most translated into reality when upon their absence that which flows forth from them still flows...
Within the concept of many seeking out experiences for the sake of the experience or moments of sight for the sake of it and not what it brings carries that person into moments when sight or experience are not present into a place of weakness....
I am not dependent on what I see or the experiences that I may have... my dependence is upon my God... and that He never changes... and so whether I see Him... or feel Him... or hear Him... I can always know Him... He is always present... we know that because He says so in His word......
I have actually loved these last few days where sight hasn't been as prevalent because they have shown me that the work my Father has done within me through those moments of such grace have born down upon me and are refashioning me into more of His... That I intrinsically knee jerk reaction into knowing His love and affection whether He is seen or experienced or just thought upon....
I love that He is always with me... I love that He is always present... I love that He sees me at all times regardless of whatever sight I have.... I love that He calls me His own... and that I am His... I love that ...
In not seeing You I see You all the clearer and I love these moments between us.... You are ever so tender and kind.... strong and all knowing.... awesome and mighty....
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