The afternoon is turning out much differently than I anticipated and I am not quite sure what got under my skin.... but something.. some thought has changed the course and the direction of where I was headed...
I have called caution patience... I have called silence respect.... I have called hesitation wisdom....
Really what all of that is is self preservation and some false absurd notion of polite adherence to some unspoken rules..... metering out love isn't the way that Christ walked but it has been the way I have walked.... in situations where I have felt safe and accepted and affirmed I have loved and been one way and in other situations I have walked in and surveyed the situation at hand and decided where I was going to walk and how much of myself was I going to expose....
Well where do good boundaries and appropriate social behavior and intelligent public decorum come into play? I don't want to step out and do something outrageous for the sake of the action itself... but how many times have I gone timidly forward with something that I knew was God because of fear or concern or consideration of any multitude of factors that really shouldn't ever played part in how I behaved.....
I have watered down the passions that stir within me for others because of a concern of how I would look... I haven't done so many things because of concern which falls politely under the guise of socially acceptable mores but truly is cowardice at best and at worst well, I am not sure what it would be but self preservation is pretty much up there I would suppose....
I don't want to risk for the sake of risking and I don't want to act out in any given way just for the sake of liberty and acting in freedom but I also don't want to not risk because I wonder what the consequences of it will be and I don't want to not do something anymore because I am concerned with what it will mean to me....
I am supposedly dead to self... I say supposedly because while that is the definition given of the new creature created by Christ at salvation ... dead to self arisen to Christ... self is very much alive and awake and happening... Why? because death hurts.... death and self denial are contrary to any wise plan of human evolution..... But I don't want to evolve like that anymore...
I have no clue or preconceived idea or instruction of what this looks like.. but something has been awoken and stirred up within me and once again I am exhausted by living any status quo situation....
Last year at this time I was doing an experiment of what would it mean to live love for 100 days.... well I do think this.... I think another 100 day project is upon me.... What would it look like for 100 days to live life looking and watching and waiting upon the Father and doing that which He was doing? Living intentionally and purposefully the Father's will and acting upon inclinations and feelings and thoughts and impressions....
I have no idea what will transpire over the next 100 days.... but I think this..... this whole blog entry was started because I was angry at myself for not being whole hearted enough and shrinking back and not stepping forward..... so I will take whatever it does hold over living compromised any day................... Here we go jumping ......
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