A year I'm earnestly not sad to be saying good bye to...

As the last hours of 2013 tick away I am not sad.... this is a year I am glad to see end....

Having said that as I have pondered the events and lessons of the last 365 days I have seen a theme emerge.  One in which I plan on carrying into 2014....

He has strengthened my arms for battle and my hands for war...  There aren't many days of this past year or a past few years that I would desire to live over again.  Yet as I have contemplated the starting of 2014 I have realized an incredible fact.  I feel a strength inside I have never felt before.

It is a strength forged in a battle. It is a strength birthed just from not giving up or giving in. It is a strength and resiliency based upon the fact that my God is good and He is faithful.  Regardless of any situation or circumstance His goodness prevails over and over and over and over and over again.

2013 I am glad to see you go and while some of your horrors filter into what will be the beginning hours of 2014 you still will not get the best of me.... For I know my redeemer lives...

I don't really, if I am honest, consider it all joy...  as James says...

James 1:2-4

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

However I am seeing endurance having its result and for that I am glad.... I enter 2014 seeing that my arms have indeed been strengthened and my steps are assured in Him....  

I enter 2014 with a dearest of family members not feeling so well (putting it mildly) and in other places the future continues to seem so uncertain BUT what is certain is that He is good and He is faithful!  I enter 2014 realizing that my faith has been tested and endurance is coming forward... My eyes have wept and my heart has felt faint and yet my steps continue to be put one in front of the other...

So 2014 I do not enter you with some heroic statement nor with any glorious endeavors or goal setting standards.. I enter you probably the most humble I have ever entered a year (is that lacking humility in saying that..lol)  I enter you with a heart that feels frail and beaten and battered but that has learned a strength beyond anything it has ever touched... 2014 I don't know what you hold.. I won't prophesy concerning you....  But I will say this... I welcome you.. I welcome the presence of the Lord into you... and my prayer is that as you unfold I will continue to be strengthened and continue to know and acknowledge the goodness and faithfulness of my God...

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living and I will rejoice in Him and lift His name on high..

May this year find you in Him all the more...

The people.....

I really haven't wanted to say much lately... seriously.. have contemplated more and more the removal of all things social media from my life....so much noise and clutter and craziness...

So I have paused and paused...
For me language and the expression of thought has been so very important
Silence was once a enemy and dark warden of my interior prison.. so much that should be said wasn't and so I began to speak and speak and found light and truth and healing and hope...
Although Silence has also become a refuge and within its embrace I have been learning wisdom...
My eyes have grown bigger and my senses take more in,
Silence has aided me in ways expression had not and I have become rich....

I got a text late last night from a friend who is just so dear to my heart....  in it her comment was, "I'm glad I can text you these random things."  

And upon the contemplation of her statement I once again found that which is upon my heart to express...

The older I get the more convinced I stand of the fact that  in those moments it is the people who you can text random thoughts in whatever hour, who you know will get" it ," regardless of what that "it" is that matter.....

These days I've been walking in more silence..  looking at solitude and leaning into those lessons learned...

I realized what was filling my heart again was frustration, cynicism, and anger over the mechanisms and industry of christianity, the truest remedy had to be silence. While the flock once again showed the world its best concerning all things duck calling etc...  I retreated...  I lived angry and burned out before and I can get sarcastic and cynical with the best of them but in my pompous intelligentsia  I have missed the mark too...

There will always be the religious... I can get Pharisaical with the best of them .. sadly
There will always be those CEO types using the gospel as their product and it all being about personal gain
There will always be those looking to exploit the gifts and power of God for their own kingdoms
There will always be this camp and that camp
There will never be anything new under the sun.....
There will always be the word for the day... or the prophetic revelation that will change your life and propel you and your family into wealth
There will always be those of us that take pot shots at those that I just described... (me included)

But then I have missed the mark....

The hand can not say to the foot I don't need you, and the eye can not say to the mouth you aren't needed.. I might think that this one or that one  are peddlers of a gospel that looks nothing like the one Christ preached, I might shake my head when grace is used in such a way that takes the sacrifice of Christ and cheapens in a way that grieves my soul but again to the human being, to the person...  I can not say I don't need you...


I love reading about the new pope...  his walk serves to inspire...  people see in his actions Christ... and it changes me.. it changes my heart..  walking away from the noise and the pomp and circumstance of his office and focusing on the people ... on the person of Christ..

I call upon myself to remember that this world is not my home.. its ways are not to be my ways and its thoughts are not to be my thoughts.. that there are ways that seem right to man and yet they  lead to destruction...  one can gain the whole world but lose oneself completely...

I have thought about the temptation of Christ and wondered about the offerings of satan.. how many would turn down his offer for "kingdoms," with so many celebrity mega church marquee players playing around I truly have wondered about these things in the days and weeks that have past.  For me not a crisis of faith but a crisis of its expression has brought me to a personal quietness and silence....

In  rest and repentance I have found salvation and in quietness and trust I have found strength...

In beholding people.. those I know and those that are but strangers to me.. in beholding their hearts and their dreams and their need and their hopes and pains and struggles and allowing them to be mine and empowering compassion in my life I see Christ more and more...  In silence I have quieted the voices that would scream for my attention and learn to listen for the one whose voice I must hear before action can ever come... In silence I have learned to listen to the hearts of those He places upon my path...  In silence I have beheld Him and those He loves

Wondering so very much what the expression of my Father's kingdom upon earth looks like.. I go to pure and undefiled religion. Once again to the people.. once again to the expression of Christ and His life... He went where the religious would not go... He told the sinners to stop and go and sin no more... He had the crowds with the miracles of His Father but then spoke His Father's words and watched as they all but a few disappeared.  He would not let Himself be handled.. but He "handled" not either...

He loved... His Father and the people....  simple...  truly simple..

It is all I have to say..

I keep coming back to these two phrases....

One:

It isn't a crisis of faith.. I believe in Christ...

Two:

It is a crisis of expression...  I don't believe in the mechanisms of the industry of "Christian" ministry.. if you will allow me to even use the word, Christian, there.

I feel redundant 

 I feel like I am writing and rewriting the same post ..

but maybe at times one has to stay upon a topic .. within an expression and repeat and say it over and over and over again.. Maybe it is in finding that voice that brings some sort of understanding about... It is child like faith within me that says, BUT GOD... With you things ARE different...

I have spent time getting silent and still and have closed my mouth.... , The cure for exhaustion is rest, the hope for wrong doing is repentance...  Salvation comes to those who embrace rest and repentance...  Quietness births forth a steady nature and trust brings forth assurance.. the two put together bring forth strength.....

At the age of 42 having spent 21 years in a variety of ministries/churches I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to be saying I'm 62 and it has been 41 years.  A hunger.. an urge.. a need, a desire for the reality of God (not as "he" could be marketed but as He IS) is so thoroughly upon me...  A stepping back.. a looking in.. a pausing and looking... no longer wanting a proverbial "king" but wanting the King of kings and the Lord of lords to rule and reign over me...

I don't know what changes..  maybe more than I could even anticipate changes ... But at the very least I must continue to change... to become more and more His daughter and less and less a purveyor of "Christian" wares.... I have seen too much of that and I can not ever put my hand back upon that plow...  

In these quieter days I felt led to 1 Kings 18, the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal,a story I have read through many times.  The equation and lessons were different.

The mechanisms and cogs on the wheel of the "business" of ministry is as the 450 prophets of Baal.. and through social media and marketing and this and that personalities and agencies make huge money off of the leading marque players of the hours.... The Christian world is just as much an industry to be marketed to as any other sub culture or group...  So besides great speeches, ie sermons, the CEOs of the Mega churches of today bring about a culture that is sad and handicapped and impotent at actually affecting culture for the Kingdom of God and doing more for the kingdoms of men leaving the people of God continually looking for a king to tell them what to do and the people live there because it is an easier cost than the true laying down of ones life....  what is a tithe, a book fee, a conference registration compared to the cost of true discipleship...

I have not answers.. only many questions and concerns...

But as I read about the frenzied nature of those Baal prophets I saw within their practices and behavior that which I have seen surround ministry and a pure, simple, (yet totally complex) faith in the fact that God is God and He will show up is actually what I long for..... 

I will take rest and repentance and I will take quietness and trust over the thought riding on the swiftest of horses will actually bring forth any salvation... The answer has to be in quietness and trust... The answer has to be in repentance and rest..

There is no snazzy light and smoke show... there is the reality of God and the belief and hunger that in Him there is life and life abundant... He was making His son known before Facebook, twitter, and marketing agencies ever existed... and He has always been  leading His people with His spirit and truth ...  There is no horse nor any mechanism that could fly swifter than the power and presence of God and I am learning and relearning how much resting in Him achieves...

Jubilee years exemplified a trust.. a trust that God will be God and He will move on behalf of His name and on behalf of His people...   

No longer a cog on the wheels or mechanism of ministry but a daughter standing and waiting and resting and trusting and believing in the fact that He will be my God and I will be His....  Forever His....

He is the God who heals

He is the God who saves

He is the God who redeems

He is the God who delivers...

He is God

It is a turning to what He is and a standing in the belief that He is and was and will forever be....  

“In repentance and rest you will be saved,
In quietness and trust is your strength.”
But you were not willing,
And you said, “No, for we will flee on horses,”
Therefore you shall flee!
“And we will ride on swift horses,”
Therefore those who pursue you shall be swift.
One thousand will flee at the threat of one man;
You will flee at the threat of five,
Until you are left as a flag on a mountain top
And as a signal on a hill.

Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him.

O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you. Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher. Your ears will hear a word behind you, “This is theway, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or to the left. And you will defile your graven images overlaid with silver, and your molten images plated with gold. You will scatter them as an impure thing, and say to them, “Be gone!”

No bobble headed Jesus for me please... I need the real deal.. Even when it means, especially when it means ... Denying myself and following Him

That question has haunted me the last few days... Will He find faith upon the earth?

The industry of Christianity is ablaze...

I spent a good portion of Sunday morning reading about John the Baptist and the ministry of Jesus as He walked upon the earth...

Words that were used.. "repent," "follow me," John the Baptist talking about decreasing so that Jesus could increase...

The mechanism and wheel of the industry of Christianity runs rampant... It is an impending tsunami about to decimate the multitudes...

These days have me getting small, watching every idle word, trying to embrace a silence and solitude as to think upon Him.. To really think upon Him... Oh my goodness.. to behold Him... as He is not as He could be marketed to the masses.. The masses fell away and one week those same masses are shouting out praises and the next they are screaming crucify....

Beyond plagiarism scandals and entitlement tantrums (let's not mess with Joel O), and the list could go on and on.. I need to silence the Christian world and move away from it's dramas... And reengage with the baby in the manger and the man upon the cross... The man who would shutter and cleanse many a temple.. and I see the pole in my own eye.. It starts with me...

It starts with me acknowledging and being willing to hear the call to repentance... The call to decrease that He would increase within me....

I fell in love with Jesus once upon a time... I fell in love with Him because He speaks things like, "I tell you the truth.." He speaks things like, "neither do I condemn you .. go and sin NO more."  "In me you have life..."  

When I didn't know Him.. when I didn't know the way.. When I didn't and couldn't find the path, He lead me and He leads me and the truth of the gospel is that it doesn't have to be marketed.. we don't need bobble headed Jesus.. WE NEED JESUS...  

I need to silence the noise that would swirl.. I need to still the meetings that would steal, I need to step back and step up and look up and lay down anything and everything that would hinder..

Because when He returns I want to know that my Lord will find faith upon the earth... A faith that is resolute and true.. A faith that stands and does not shrink back, a faith that permeates... a faith that is real and powerful and strong....

I fell in love with Jesus because He is who He is and I fall in love with Jesus because He has no shadow of changing.. He is that He was that He will be.... He is magnificent... He is that which will change the world...

There is so much noise and so much clamor... and so I go back to the baby in the manger or the man upon the cross and I silence the voices except the angels singing, I silence the ambition and behold the baby... I stand in awe of a God, who would not consider equality with God something to be grasped but laid His life down as a servant and bled and died for all...

It is a return to simple.. It is a return to sitting by the feeding trough.. it is a return to sitting at the foot of the cross... kneeling upon hay, kneeling upon dirt.... Returning.. time and time and time again..

To see Him as He was willing to be so that we could know Him... I sit silently and alone that I would be found in Him as He is the most magnificent One I have ever known...

It's not "Dear John".... It's "Dear ministry"

Dear Ministry,

Tonight I recall the moments prior to conferences... I remember the all nighters preparing for the attendees who would be coming.. 

I remember seeing the faces of friends standing behind book tables 

I remember believing it was all worth it...

The time, the energy.. All of it because back then in my heart of hearts we weren't peddling the wares of just some name and some ministry..  

We were together advancing the Kingdom we so very much love..

The relationships shared were worth the work...

Until at times and in time my eyes were opened to how much about the work it was... 

Relationships forged in small groups, at classes, at round tables somehow became secondary...  A work became more important.. 

I don't know

I battled back from cynicism.. I battled back from allowing hardness of heart and sarcasm to be what protected my heart...

Dear Ministry,

My dearest friend, Bill, has rightfully named you Harlot.  You, who come to rob, steal and destroy.

I've watched you do that.

Time and time again I've watched you be a plague instead of a blessing..

I watched you rob hope and steal joy and destroy lives and friendships.

Dear Ministry,

I want to laugh again ...

I want to watch the Kingdom of my Father advance upon the earth..

So  many say they know what that looks like..

So many thoughts 

So many opinions

Dear Ministry,

It isn't the work or the long hours or the loneliness that scares me or exhausts me.. It is the cruelty and destruction between brothers, it is the jealousy and envy that rage... It is the sin that plagues the household of our leaders...

Dear Ministry,

I don't have a clue of what you are to look like any longer..  But I know what you aren't supposed to look like and maybe for now that's enough...

Dear Ministry,

 I repent for in the past making you an idol and using you as much as you used me..  It isn't you I long for.. You a false love of the most horrific kind..

I'm going to stand beside my Father, my Lord and my Savior who cleanses Temples with power, love and true authority.. I'm going to allow Him to continue to topple over every remaining part of you so that I stand cleansed from all your trappings ..

You make me no more and you make me no less the daughter I am.. So I say farewell Harlot.. You have robbed, stolen and destroyed too much already... I'm guilty I allowed you to do that at times..  But my guilt is being washed away as my Lord's train fills His Temple and claims me as His own..

Dear Ministry,

I desire not to stand before Him one day and attest to all I did in your name and not be known by Him... So I say good bye to you that I may be found in Him..

Matthew 7:21-23

21 “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. 22 Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many [n]miracles?’ 23 And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’

Matthew 25

34 “Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35 For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; 36 naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? 38 And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? 39 When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ 40 The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’

41 “Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; 42 for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; 43 I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ 44 Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not [e]take care of You?’ 45 Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ 46 These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

Finding joy again.. finding beauty again.. Beauty does arise from the ashes... Taking a bath and washing it off

I needed to find simple...

I needed something that would remind me of Christ.. I needed Christ...  I needed to be reminded of His beauty. I needed to see His beauty.

He is my constant. Always...  I love Acapella music..  Found Pentatonix the other day and have been playing this video often ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ_MGWio-vc

As Christmas approaches.. There is sickness, death, sin.. sorry and disappointment that swirls around me.. The traditional push of the season towards festivities and decorating and celebrating seem suffocating.. exhausting amidst the sorrow and disorientation .. Ever ending change and disorientation in a world that offers little comfort...

I turn to simple... I turn to Him who picked up the dust of the earth and breathing His breath forged His stamp and image upon creatures that He called very good.. Tonight.. I try to see as He would see.. I try to see the "very good."

I have nothing to bring.. The truth is none of us do.. Some of us put on a better show than others but the truth is there are many great showmen out there peddling their wares...

I ache and I long for the authentic Christ to emerge upon the scene... Some would say it is going to prayer, others would say it is going to serving the poor, others would name and claim .....  Still I look for the place where the people arose and said of Christ that He was not like their scribes but spoke as one who had real authority...

The authority and love of Heaven not just coming in a moment but coming and flowing....

I need to find the place where authenticity isn't just the catch phrase of the day but a life lived.. within myself and those I would walk with....the person who would present upon the stage is the same as the person they are when they would  sit in the green room ( where a morphing of  performance and persona doesn't just erupt upon the stage but is lived out continuously full of a grace not taken to places where it doesn't belong .. ie, excuses for sin.. but catapults towards life.. REAL LIFE.)

He called us, "very good."  He spoke over us.. "very good."  He, knowing us intimately and intrinsically, proclaimed about that which He created to bear His image.. "very good."

There is joy to be found in that profound reality.. There is beauty to behold that even though tarnished and seemingly darkened.. His proclamation would be that we are all together beautiful without spot or blemish... In a time when that reality "feels" the furthest away..

I turn to the darkness, the sorrow, the death .. the sickness.. the gloom of the day and I find joy.. I find beauty.. I declare beauty for ashes... I turn to the world and proclaim that it does not get to dictate reality.. that the reality was laid firm on those very first minutes of creation and I will by His grace not proclaim something contrary to His desire...

It isn't about prayer.. It isn't about service to the poor.. It isn't about any one thing in particular it is about it all as it pertains to Christ and our Father's deepest heart's desire..

I get simple.. I cling to joy and discover beauty...

Micah 6:8 (The Message)

But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do,
    what God is looking for in men and women.
It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
    be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don’t take yourself too seriously—
    take God seriously.