Thursday, July 28, 2011

For I desire truth in the innermost places and all you have shown me is that you do too

I love the word of God... I love that Jesus when He walked upon the earth He would often say how He told the truth... "I tell you the truth" He would say....

The experiences of life are common to man.... there is nothing new under the sun... There are abundant and vibrant truths that are set and that one can be so very sure of.... We can read about the nature and histories of men and women and see the triumphant... watch the hero... behold the innocent and the villain.... watch the righteous and those who fell far short... There really is nothing new under the sun....

I have watched that as I have shared experiences as a mom, as a woman, as a worshiper and as a sinner that the one thing that is so very much appreciated is that I try and come with an open and sincere heart.....

I know breaking through the steps and bringing forth times I never thought I would share I have experienced great healing... and watched how others who felt that in some way they were all alone found their voices too....

I hunger for hindrances to break off all of us... for the things that we have learned to settle for or have bought into lies that that just is the way things are would fall off.... That we would come face to face into the most vibrant of truths and grab a hold of the majesty and mystery that is Christ....

That the ways of this world and the ways of man would look so very dim and the bright and beautiful light of Christ would shine and wash away all that is less than that which He always intended for us to walk in and live in and abide in...

I pray that the truth of Christ and the truth of that which the Father says of us would permeate every ounce of our beings and that to the core of who we are we would reflect Him and know in the depth of our beings the truth that He died to give us.. the truth that comes and sets the captives free....

Green rooms, hospitality suites and the Hierarchical pyramid

This morning I was reminded about how when I first started walking with the Lord someone once told me about reading five psalms and one proverb a day will take you through both books every month and that was a good idea.... Having not done this task in a long time I decided I would start today... so not being so great at math I took the calculator from my Iphone and figured out which psalm to start with....

I landed on Psalm 140 (I am sure a good majority of you wouldn't have needed the calculator but I did..) I read from Psalms 140-145 and my mind went to many places...

In Psalm 145 the passages that spoke of the graciousness of our Lord and His mercy and His slow ways towards anger and His great lovingkindness poured off the page into my heart.... As I continued to read about how all His works would give Him thanks and how they would speak of the glory of His Kingdom and talk of His power... I sat in quiet awe of who He is .....

Then I got to verse 14 and read how the Lord sustains all who fall and raises up all who are bowed down.... how as the verses in the Psalm continue we read about how He satisfies the desire of every living thing and how He is near to all who call upon Him and how He keeps all who love Him....

It threw me back to the verses that I had read in the opening of Psalm 140... when into my thoughts entered times past and knowledge that I wish I did not possess....
The opening verses of Psalm 140 speak of "violent men who devise evil things in their hearts," how they "continually stir up wars," and "Sharpen their tongues as a serpent," and how poison of a viper is under their lips." In the metaphoric world their tongues are full of lies and the poison that lies spread.

I am so very grateful to where the Lord has brought me... how He truly has restored my heart to a place of hope and joy and innocence... How while I can't erase from my mind the things I have seen or the ways I know people to have acted I do know this that there isn't anything worth hardening my heart over..... I can hand people my peace on a platter or I can set my mind on Christ and allow Him to keep me in perfect peace...

But here is the one thing that has stirred in my heart all day.... how God's ways are so not the ways of men... and how they are so much higher than... Other truths have played upon my heart today how the Lord is not a respector of persons and how all people both young and old, rich and poor, and weak and strong will all bow before Him.....

Today I thought about the hierarchical nature of the world... and how that has filled the church and Christian ministries.... people define themselves by which rung on the ladder they perceive themselves to be upon and allow other's thoughts and opinions to dictate and determine their worth... In so receiving there is also the more than abundant temptation to keep their rung "safe" at all costs....

I have seen great ugliness... I have watched as leaders have thrown their weight around and threatened to not show up again at this place or that if this person or that person was there or was interviewed. It isn't always the behavior of the leader that I find the craziest... what I find interesting is how those threats are received.... people who were invited are uninvited and life just goes on .. Really?!?! I have seen people kow tow to the whims and fancies of men... and I have thought about how I had even allowed silliness into my heart....

We are told to be "aware of the scribes who like to walk around in long robes, and like respectful greetings in the market places, and chief seats in the synagogues and places of honor at banquets, who devour widow's houses and for appearance's sake ofer long prayers..." that is in the gospel of Mark...

And in Matthew 6 we read:

"Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding. "When you do something for someone else, don't call attention to yourself. You've seen them in action, I'm sure—'playactors' I call them— treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that's all they get. When you help someone out, don't think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out. "And when you come before God, don't turn that into a theatrical production either. All these people making a regular show out of their prayers, hoping for stardom! Do you think God sits in a box seat?"

We aren't to regard ourselves according to the ways of the world.... receiving the standards or judgements of others...

There was a time when I acted so foolishly.... I allowed the thoughts and opinions and favor or lack of it to determine self worth... I allowed others a destructive voice in my head and in my heart.... I thought it oh so important to be invited into places and rooms.... Today as I read from psalm 140 to 145 I was brought through a journey of where I had been and where I have been brought to... and gratitude just filled me and overwhelmed me....

Gratitude for the things I have seen and where I have been brought to ... self made prisons that have been exited and a deep desire to walk forward within the Glory of God.. His thoughts and His opinions dictating who I am and nothing less.... His ways are not our ways... they are so much higher... so much better... so much more full of life.... they aren't games to be played... they are solid ways of living that bring forth life everlasting and an unmeasurable love that knows no end...

I have seen dark sides of men but I have seen the light of Lord and the land of the living...

A journey through 5 psalms today brought me past roads I have walked and into new life... new liberty... new joy.. new strength...

I cried out to You, O LORD;
I said, “You are my refuge,
My portion in the land of the living.
“Give heed to my cry,
For I am brought very low;
Deliver me from my persecutors,
For they are too strong for me.
“Bring my soul out of prison,
So that I may give thanks to Your name;
The righteous will surround me,
For You will deal bountifully with me.”
Psalm 142:5-7

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

What the HOA, a PB&J sandwich and little tikes toys have in common...

I could say that I grew up in a house that you could literally eat off the garage floor without a plate and it would have been cleaner then some of the plates that my kids have eaten off of.... Beds made... hospital corners at that... and sheets ripped off if not made to the specifications that were required.... white carpets... white walls... etc etc...

You get the picture

Maybe because of that or maybe because I am a natural slob I don't know... Can't say lazy because that adjective doesn't describe my life.. but in personality tests I do come off as the kind of person who last minute can say, "oh, instead of doing this list let's go do something with the kids." Again very well might be left over residue from years gone by... who knows.. I am moving on...

I have been struggling the last few days... the Lord changed up the way He was bringing forth relationship and in trying to figure out where and how to meet Him I realized He was leading me to a place of new discovery.

Admist all that trying to discover the Lord in new places life jumped in and was causing some aggravation.

We live on a corner lot off a busy street without a privacy fence and we have little tikes toys etc in the backyard for the kids to play with throughout the day. The HOA who has left us alone for the first year we lived here started to take offense to the toys and how they actually really in their being out are in violation to their 1000 page lawyer speak manual.. sorry for my exaggeration.. just a tad exasperated by their craziness right now....

But in all things (well, after spending a day allowing my peace to be messed with and taking deep breaths and having a patient friend, thanks Juls :) ) I turned to God and sat... and sat... as I did my oldest son came up to me and asked if he could make me a sandwich... Now to some of you you might not get the magnitude of this action...

My son is 16 and he is very athletic and busy and growing ie... always hungry.....
He at any time day or night will often ask me to make him 4 triple decker PBJ sandwiches with a bag of popcorn and a tall glass of milk... and I mean any time day or night... it is his love language.. or at least one of them.... He loves his sandwiches.... and he had known what type of day I had had... so as I sat in my office and was taking time to connect with the Lord and His ways in walks my son... asking me if he, my son, could make me, the usual maker of the sandwich, a sandwich.

I didn't want a sandwich... but he then asked if he could get me something else and as he did he paused and then said, "Diet Coke," and I said, "YES." So off to the store with his next younger brother to buy his mom a diet coke and some chocolate.. because anyone knows that besides the Lord on a day like that a girl must have her chocolate :)

I was instantly in a place of peace... deep deep peace... moved beyond the day and its frustrations.... My 16 year old son had repositioned me back into the presence of God through his desire to serve me through his love language.... I'll tell you later on in the night as we watched tv, he and I sat next to each other and at one point he got up and not only made me a sandwich but the bag of popcorn and the tall glass of milk came with it... it wasn't a triple decker but it was the best PB&J sandwich I think I had ever had.....

Who would have ever thought that one way Jesus overcomes the trials and tribulations of the day would be to have a 16 year old make a PB&J sandwich... problems with HOA and their craziness not done .. but I am different and when this morning I got an email from them I could take a deep breath and think to myself and all will be well ... and I could sit and realize even with them more of what the Lord was speaking... (that for the next blog... )

The HOA, A 16 year old making a PB&J sandwhich, little tykes toys... it is amazing to me that which the Lord uses... but it is amazing and glorious all the same...

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

What does it matter to you if he lives until my return... follow me..... and how that relates to perfect peace

It is like slow motion... I can hear my breath.. I blink my eyes but ever so slowly... and the words.. the words in my head are clear... "If I want him to live until I come again, what's that to you? You—follow me"

Oh how many times could I wish that those words were followed.... don't look at your brother or sister... just follow me... How many times should I have just followed those words instead of wondering why God did so and so with another .... and as these words have played in my head for the last few days I know that these will probably play out in more than just one blog....

I watched friends think that they were less than because favor of man wasn't coming into their lives the way they desired it... I saw others watch and look and feed jealousy and envy instead of embracing the wonderful things that the Lord was doing in their lives....

We place certain things (I was going to say even but I'll say especially) especially in the communities of faith on high ground and consider them the trophy to obtain.... so and so the person to have favor with ... such and such to be the position to lay a hold of.... or gifting to grow in.....

I know that in my life it isn't that I am seeing miracles bursting out in every direction as some would suppose but my goodness as I have laid more and more of my desires down and even my need to understand down and have "followed Him" and not spent time looking or wondering about what He was doing in and through others I have encountered miracles daily.... a solidness and confidence that even in moments when life shakes and brings distraction I can return to that place of quietness and confidence and strength....

He has spoken oh man that which is good and that which He desires for us.... He has set our feet upon a rock and I'm not moving.... I know that loving kindness and mercy follow me all the days of my life and while it may not be as some suppose it is as HE knows it to be....

I've been picked up from a pile of dry bones but reduced to mush and I sit in the quiet and in such incredible quiet joy and strength do I know that no matter what waves or storms come He leads me...

I have seen the horror of others looking to that which God does in the lives of others...I have seen jealousy erupt like the most ugly monster you could ever imagine... I have seen people strive for power and influence at all costs .. leaving behind friendships... character... peace..... I think the last aspect of peace is the saddest... because you can convince yourself of many things... and believe many things that are not true... but you can't fake genuine and real peace... that is a gift tied to the fact that our hearts do not condemn us ... and no matter what you can trick yourself into believing the peace that passes all understanding becomes elusive.

He will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is steadfast upon Him....

I know I can skirt many an issue at times but this this place of perfect peace .. this place of peace in knowing that at the end of the day I have set my affections upon Him and Him alone and whether He acts publicly upon my life or He and I walk through our most favorite places I know this peace that passes all understanding and its origin is from the place of looking to Him and loving Him and following Him regardless of that which He does or doesn't do in my life or the lives of those that I would look at....

I have one life to live... one life... days and moments and years hopefully fill that life... but in this moment I want to walk saturated by His peace and in the days and times to come I want to be surrounded by His peace....

I have watched times of pouring out come and go and I have watched men and women rise and fall in and out of favor but I have never seen the Lord forsake me and I have never seen the Lord leave me and I have always no matter what I have walked through I have known His love and His care and His peace.... That is that which I follow... if I followed a man I could have angst and fear and if I allowed men to dictate that which I was or that which I could do I would know no confidence... but I follow my Maker... Creator of Heaven and earth and His peace is a gift that nothing of this world can touch and that is that which I long to follow all the days of my life....

Saturday, July 23, 2011

oh and by the way can you get your husband to pray with you...

The words weren't out of her mouth and yet I knew all along she had wanted to ask something different all along..."Hey can you pray for me," she asked.... "Of course" was my answer...then she spoke again, "oh and by the way can you get your husband to pray with you?" If it was a stranger it wouldn't have mattered so much but I cared about that person and yet time would show that that relationship was based more upon ministry and placement and title than on genuine affection...

I can't control what people say or do... I can't or maybe won't step into a place any longer of wondering what their motivations are..... I stepped into places where I did and that only led to death....

I try and navigate roads of relationship now as my heart leads me to be.... I have a strong tower... I have a refuge.. I don't want to lack discernment but I also don't have to embrace a hard heart..... I love relationship... I love fellowship... I love being around and with people..... I lived too long closing off my heart.... and not living... now I want to be wise but I want to be innocent... I want to believe the best, I want to think upon the noble things of a man, I want to think upon the good things of a person... not to be blinded and not to not receive revelation but I want to see with the eyes of my Father...

Seeing and knowing and yet loving and believing all at the same time..... I have recently been bringing things down to very simple levels and I am not dissuaded in doing so....

My husband is in ministry... and there are times where I realize that someone is wanting to be with me only to get to know him... and I realize that there are different aspects to friendship or relationship and that not everyone I walk with is going to be a ... if I'm lucky a season comes where I get to walk side by side to one such like that or they exist and while not close in locale they are ever close to my heart.....

I no longer want to close my heart off.... I want to be like Jesus who sat with Judas... or some of the other disciples that sat with Him for different reasons... I want to be like John and love Jesus and recline with Him and belong to Him and I want to receive people as Jesus did....

I want to know the real hearts of people and allow people to know mine.... and while being wise I want to be innocent... I don't want to pursue people for anything other than relationship... and I want to trust God for all else....

I might sound like a child these days.. but I spent days being wise in my own eyes and that was only death... and so I would rather trust... I would rather love... I would rather say go ahead know me so you can know my husband... it actually is ok....

I used to get hurt by it and take it personally when relationships would come and go based on favor... and now now I just want relationship... I'm not a dog willing to take scraps.. but I see the hearts and the hunger and the need of people to be loved and it isn't always about me and it is always about Him.... maybe I don't get to choose... or maybe in being wise I choose to love anyway... He has given me such a strength to release this... and while there are always hurdles to overcome and wisdom to be had... I just delight in Him and want love to flow in me and through me and I want people to know His love that knows not measurement and if I can be a conduit of that well... I can trust Him with all else....

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I tried being a cynic and it almost killed me.. good thing love is the most excellent way

I have embarked upon this path and I didn't even realize what it was I was doing. I began in the flesh with a good idea... I wanted to love God and love people and was hoping that doing an experiment like that would take me away from the hardness of heart that I had allowed....

I learned intentionality and purposeful living in deeper ways then I had gone before... but even with things that seem so good I hit a wall... it was to be one hundred days of living and learning to love and by day 75 I was hitting a wall of sorts... there actually are blog posts from that time... it was around Christmas 2009 and I really wanting things to change....

I've never been more grateful for that wall I hit then I am now... back then I just felt confusion and it would take months for understanding to begin to unfold... now I am so silenced inside and full of wonderment over the goodness and mercy of our God....

I was doing good... loving my husband more.. being more intentional with my kids and yet I was building a tower in my own strength and would have hit a wall eventually... To look back I'm so grateful that it happened sooner than later.... because walking away from attempting things in my own strength has been the most life empowering thing I could do.... don't get me wrong I'm not a lazy person or well.. even if I was 6 kids keeps you far from being lazy.... but this ... this is different... this is that which I was searching for all my days.... and I'm only excited to finally meet the road I want to walk on all the days of my life....

The verse that won't leave me alone these days speaks about rest and repentance and how from their salvation comes... there have been times where I know that the Lord has beckoned me to rest even when there were multiple things needing to be done... Rest.. rest and abide....

The older I get the more child like I become... there are truths that the Lord is laying upon me that He is causing to become my anthem... did I say I love where it is He walks with me these days... I do... I love this path....

Setting my mind upon Jesus... Isaiah 26:3 You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You.

I've learned that character and gifting isn't enough... I could make all the right choices and be gifted in the things of God and be nothing more than a religious pharisee.... My heart must move even beyond the message of character and into wholeness... where upon knowing my God and knowing the depths of His love I am utterly and radically changed..

I no longer feel compelled to do this or that because it is the right thing to do.. I want to love.. I want to resemble my Lord... I want Him to made manifest in me...

The other way of love is leaving behind the notions that what used to seem right to me.. most of that only led to death... the ways of a man seem right to him but it leads to death.... I don't have to play some church or ministry game of politics... I don't have to do some monkey dance to please... I live my life as a child with a simple faith living the most amazing life that there is....

Will I take Him at His word? Does He care for me? Are His ways higher and better? Does He see the whole picture? Can He be trusted? We want to live these complex lives and yet it is said that even if we knew all the mysteries of Heaven and earth but had not love we would be nothing... I would rather not be nothing in my Father's eyes....

I see the dance.. I see the swirl.. I see the spin... an amazing amount of affection... an astonishing way of life... The Father loving the Son.. the Son loving the Father... They are one as we are one ... the amazing truths of the Gospel..... allowing myself to be pulled into that presence.. into that affection.. it is altering the way I breathe... it is altering the way I think.... I'm not even sure what it is fully doing... I sit in amazement of a peace that surrounds me and it is all about love.. and the acceptance with my creator...

My heart no longer condemns me.. I have come to a place where I learning that which I am.. no more.. no less. and it is a place wonder.. and awe.. and love... the road is settling and my help comes from my Lord who is the Maker of Heaven and earth... I believe Him... I believe He hungered for me.. He sought me out... He sacrificed... He gave all He could give.. I believe my name is written upon the palm of His hand and I believe that He covers me with His shadow and under that shadow.. under that presence.. under His love will I abide.....

My heart no longer condemns me and I approach Him with a boldness and a confidence... not an arrogance ... but I have seen (not because of anything He has done today... there has been no big event .. no huge ah ha moment.. this has been daily living with Him) I have seen the land of the living.. and the life that He offers yet while I still walk upon the earth is most amazing as it is seen through His eyes...

I lost so much and yet in losing and in suffering I found more than I ever thought possible.... He is gorgeous.. and amazing... and thoroughly beautiful... thoroughly awesome.. thoroughly majestic... He is that He is... and I am His... and He is for me....

I think back upon days full of cynical and skeptical thinking ... days of heart sickness because of hopes deferred and I realize that I linked my hope with action instead of a person.... instead of Him... and I remember the lack of peace and I shake my head.... at myself... I thought I was wise but in my wisdom I was the fool.... and now in entering into childlike simplicity I find a wisdom not born of man nor of the world systems and resident within me is a solidness I have never known....

The most profound thing I have ever heard the Lord say

No joke about the title ... really... but before you read any further I truly want you to pause... take a moment... pause and what do you think/feel/know ... what would be the most profound thing that the Father could ever ask of you....

So here's the story.... I hope you have taken the time to really think through this for yourself... I was sitting in my chair and I was just enjoying a place of peace... our two youngest children were up and playing all around me and I was enjoying our interactions.... when I heard beyond a shadow of a doubt that which the Father wanted me to do... I hesitated.... It was early in the morning ... Surely He didn't mean right now.... really?!?!

But the whole impression wouldn't leave me alone... so I got up and I did that which He had asked .... and I was so grateful having done so.....

So what was this thing... this request that I heard so clearly..

In a family with eight people six of which are children ranging in ages from 16 years to 2 there are times when needs truly go unmet.... where being busy with one I don't necessarily see that which another would want me to... or in taking care of two smaller children the older ones who are more self - sufficient physically sometimes have an emotional need that needs addressing....

So as I sat early in the morning I felt that the Lord wanted me to go into one of my son's bedrooms and sit there with him and just be in there... I wasn't even sure he would be awake... usually he wouldn't have been... but it was so clear that I couldn't not do it....

I walked into his room and he was actually waking up and I was the first thing he saw in the morning.. me sitting in his room... taking time .. making room... loving upon him..... as he saw me he reached up and pulled me towards him and hugged me and I hugged him back.... and we chatted briefly and I got up muffing up his hair a little and speaking words of affection towards him I left the room thinking to myself as I did this was probably the most amazing thing God has ever asked me to do....

No one was raised from the dead... and no one was healed .. no one was prophesied over... no one was miraculously fed... but one ... one child was loved... and loved well... under the presence and direction of God by one who simply heard a faint whisper and acted upon it.....

It truly all comes down to love.... I want to love well... I want when all is said and done that what I did beyond anything... beyond anything else I loved well... I cherished... I valued life... I valued humanity.. I valued compassion...

I valued listening to the smallest of voices asking for the simplest and yet most profound things..... God's thoughts are not ours.. His ways so much deeper.... I honestly don't think that if I prayed for the dead to be raised and saw one come back to life it would have been more profound than this morning... more sensational... more demonstrative maybe but in this request and in this action and in that which transpired I met up with the heart of God and that which He really deems most important...

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Me? All I do is follow His lead.. well maybe not all but well yes maybe all

I sit here tonight and I have sat in peace and stillness and quietness and confidence and trust... I have felt the essence of Psalm 131 upon my soul and have relished in its truth...

O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
O Israel, hope in the LORD
From this time forth and forever.

I can look one way or I can look another... I can make choices that rob me of a peace that is mine to have and to hold or I can relinquish that hold to things that are so much less than...

Oh dear friends I wonder about so very much these days... I wonder about things of the earth and things of the heavens... I wonder about God and His Kingdom and that which He encompasses and I wonder about the earth and her ways and that which walks upon her...

The discrepancy is vast... and as I write I feel it within the depth of all that I am...

My friends I ponder and I have waited and I have longed for and I have hungered and I have waited some more... I can but barely move tonight... I have sat and sat and yet not felt to get up... and not truly known what it was to do... oh you might say just get up... and I know I could have.. but tonight I feel like I have learned something about waiting upon the Lord and not rushing in...

I have sat here in front of a blank screen for close to three hours.. and started to write and erased.. and started to write and erased... more than several times has that process been gone through.... got to the end of what I thought only to delete it all....

But I waited.. because He is the reason this blog is worth reading.... He is that which beckons me to come and sit and linger and write and write and erase and seek and wait... and then in all of that it is He and I doing that waltz again.. .Me all I do is follow His lead ..

I know that I can go and do.. I know that in my own strength and wisdom I could accomplish but to what end..... towers of babel are falling every day... houses not built for the Lord crumble in plain sight....

I will wait upon the Lord... and I will follow Him.... I have no other thing I can do.... that which I desire to see I can't make happen... that which I long to watch Him do is so not about me that all I can do is wait.... but that isn't fully true... because I can abide in all the truths that exist for those that wait for Him... I believe that He is all that He is... and I believe He is not slow in keeping His promises... I don't need for the Kingdom of God to manifest upon the earth to believe... I hunger for the presence of my Father to arise because when it does things are set right....

Whether simple or not where I find myself these days is not in a whiny way but in a way that says you are worth waiting upon.. whether it is tomorrow or 90 years from tomorrow ... He is worth waiting upon.... He is worth following wherever He desires for me to go.. and while I ask of Him and seek Him actively.. I wait upon Him and rest...

So much that is pursued won't matter in the long run.. so in the long run I would rather have it matter...

Nothing profound and nothing so risky tonight... nothing heartwretchingly vulnerable or transparent.. again just the girl who is in love with her God.. and who lingers and waits upon Him ...

Ah that just makes my day.... dropping those leaves and walking naked (not literally) before God and man.....

Have felt like Adam and Eve in the past ... wanting to cover up not just before God but before others...

In not knowing who I was there were many things that I allowed or actually the word allowed puts to much intentionality behind it... there were many things that just laid hold of my life and upon the landscape of my days laid waste... so much lack... lack of knowing who I was... who I wasn't... lack of even caring... lack of knowing where I was headed and where I was... lack of any concept of self and so anything and everything could define me....

In those places rejection and performance raised their ugly heads and I shrunk back from life and living.... looking for the approval of others... or maybe just trying to avoid the hits.....

This wasn't just in growing up and the days that were filled with abusive aspects that was the potting soil but it did was produce a vapor of a human being.... and from that place I emerged into salvation and a knowledge of Christ ... but while salvation was such an amazing component to my life... to say the least... the soil needed to be turned and changed up ... I entered into faith but brought my need for acceptance and approval right along with me and walked as a slave instead of the daughter I was always meant to be....

Today as I was waking up and getting out of bed.. I went into the bathroom and looked at the mirror and I paused..... I have truly allowed myself to let go of the proverbial leaf.... the covering that I would put upon myself to protect myself from whatever I thought I needed protecting from ..... And I walk now in a way that brings great delight to my heart... I am who I am... I allow myself to operate as the exhorter that I am ... If I feel the need to encourage or do a "mims" type thing I do it...

I am who I am.... I delight... I rejoice.. I am goofy... I am liberated... I laugh.. I am serious.. I am quiet... I am loud... I spin and twirl... I walk.. I skip.. I run... I am free to be me.... in all that that is... today and tomorrow and as I become even more who I am or change and transform... I am fluid and transforming all the time... and yet there is an essence of me that for the first true season in my life I can say I absolutely love....

Yup there are things I still struggle with.. want to pray for me pray that food isn't an issue... after losing 85 pounds over a year ago I go through spurts where I still struggle on either side of that issue.... where at times I still go to food for comfort.. or deny myself food to control.. I know it is there... and I pray and I am honest yet I don't focus... as my heart continues to grow bigger and bigger those issues will fall off.... I know the Holy Spirit is my comforter and I know that I don't need to control when I feel out of control I just need to go to the shadow of the Most High.. Creator of all things .. oh yeah my Father and sit with Him and ask Him to help....

I still struggle with not knee jerk reacting into emotion when someone does something I can't .. hhhmmm.. again the control word..... but I am learning how compassion and wisdom dance together and am learning to pause and breathe and wait and rest ...

I am learning that as He says He really does care for me and so I don't need to be anxious.. that He knows all things and I can recline upon His chest and lean right into Him and walk with Him and that He who knows all things knows me..... yup that is where I get great glee from walking these days... dancing and twirling and laughing and leaning.... moving away from those things that aren't of Him and laying ahold of those things that are... and hhhmmm learning the greatest joy and strength that comes out of the joy of knowing Him and how utterly and fully accepted I am ...

Ah that just makes my day.... dropping those leaves and walking naked (not literally) before God and man.....

I love being me... and my prayers for you are that you are there too.. that you are loving being who you are.. and becoming who you are... and that if you aren't today that you will start that journey... there is so much out there for you.. so much joy... so much delight... taste and see the goodness of our God.....

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Oh so yes now what does God being God have to do with a wife meeting her husband’s mistress…and how does a waltz turn into a jig part 2

So one woman faces off with the other woman and they both share their stories... wife and mistress ... both lied to... both deceived.... both having to face painful truths...


Wife ... mistress.... church attendee... pastor... preacher.. evangelist... prophetic guy.... what makes the difference between any of these and the Shakespearean quote "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players;They have their exits and their entrances,And one man in his time plays many parts,"

I want to burst into tears right now... I truly am coming undone at the seems... for those women... for us... for us who sit and watch and be entertained by the "Johny Carson" televangelist.. marquee player product of the hour... church eat him or her up and spit them out when you are done sucking their anointing... be like the Israelites of old who when beckoned by Moses to join him in the fierce presence of the Lord stood back only then to make the golden calf...

It is a fierce thing to be confronted by the presence of the Lord... it is a crazy and fierce thing to think upon the fact that the One who is the Maker of Heaven and earth is also the baby in the manger... that is crazy thinking... but it is true...

There is much I don't understand .. there is much that I can't even pretend to explain... there are many things that cause me to look to Heaven and think to myself I truly don't understand Your ways... where I close my eyes and I bow my head and I allow the deep deep sighs to sink into my soul.... where at times weariness and questions lay ahold of my chest and attempt to place a burden upon my back way to heavy for me to bare....

I could tell you that then I feel the strong cool hand of His take a hold of mine and I look into His eyes and I know that He knows my questions.. my lack... my unbelief and yet He mirrors back to me that I know His goodness... that though my soul might rage with all the "what ifs" and "how comes" truly all I have to do is allow my head to fall into His chest and weep ...

I could tell you that I walk there and in those moments there still are no answers... and that upon my bed I look towards Heaven and I grasp truth and I ask for my Help to come forth from the mountains... that in choosing Him I don't ignore the lack that exists I bring it to Him like the sweet little girl, Zuzu, in It's a Wonderful Life with the rose petals and I ask Him to fix it... believing wholeheartedly that fix it He can....

I'm not an actor and life isn't a stage to strut upon.... there are real people who really need the Lord and I don't want to "play" any part or role ... I want to seek Him and seek Him and seek Him and seek Him and seek Him and seek Him and I want to know Him and make Him known....

You want to know where my mind goes these days... always now.. for instance.. I can't stop thinking about healing.. ... I ache.. I physically ache throughout the day to see that which I know about my Father's kingdom manifest upon the streets and stores that I walk.. I don't want to embrace the lies that the world around me wants me to embrace... I'm not hiding my head in the sand .. I am looking towards the mountains and knowing that my help comes from them... and He is the Maker of Heaven and earth....

That the story this world wants to tell with all its hopelessness is not the story and not the song of its Maker..... that that which we settle for we don't have to... we aren't to just take the crumbs off His table and scatter like some random dog.... I'm not a name it and claim it person.. but I know the nature and character of my God and I know that which He says and I know that while questions might rage in my soul my spirit soars as it declares the truth that lifts my soul from the doubt and discouragement....

I don't know how to do a jig or dance a waltz.. and I don't want to be some actor on any stage especially not one with a pulpit... faithlessness has followed me but I don't want other lovers ever again... through Him and the grace He grants I want to have an undivided heart that no matter what I am confronted with empowers me to stand with the boldness and confidence of a daughter who knows her Father and knows His character and His nature above all else....

I have learned that I am nothing more than that which I am but I am also nothing less... and that which I am I am because He declares it... I haven't walked into all that yet... but I'm walking towards it more and more... I can't walk any other way... it is that which I must do... It is that which He is pulls me towards Himself and I don't want to be drawn anywhere else but to His side....

Oh so yes now what does God being God have to do with a wife meeting her husband’s mistress…and how does a waltz turn into a jig part 1

I have to say I am a bit unnerved at the things the Lord will use to show me where to go with truth.. Vulnerability… oh my… this morning I read a woman’s blog concerning faithfulness or the lack there of within her marriage…. How much her husband had cheated on her…. Her thoughts and feelings on the matter.. etc etc…

As I sat after reading that blog I knew there were many different directions I could go….. and so I prayed…. And I sat… and I wondered….

I think that the thing that caught my attention the most and the thing I have noticed on my own blogs is that the more honest I am… the more I am willing to go into the deep parts of my heart and expose them to the world the more people are touched…..

one could say it is the culture we live in and that we all want to see that which wasn’t ever seen before… reality tv and life at its worst…. However I honestly believe the more I am at this that we are all more alike than we are different … and while some of us have more of a capacity whether through finances.. time… etc… to avoid the aches and sadnesses within our lives they exist there…. And when we see someone willing to talk about those dark places whether we are ready or not to approach our own issues we are pulled in….. into the stories that touch us .. into the stories that scream we are not alone in our darkness….. and there is a possible way out…..

So I talk about it all… I talk about being having been dissociative, overcoming aspects of an incredibly destructive past, overcoming the more mundane and grey aspects of residue left from past events… I talk about parenthood and marriage and life and faith and well anything that sparks my fancy…… and I approach all these topics with a determination to deal with them head on… crash helmet on … well, I actually have never felt like I crashed into too honest of a moment…… the benefits of having done so in the past have always only far outweighed any thought of “wow I am really going to share this…”

So today … today as I read the blog of a woman who had met another woman who her husband was having an affair with and as those women talked about what was happening in their lives…. As I pondered her honesty and as I thought about what comparison the Lord was having me take I ran the spectrum from Hosea to Elijah and back again……

Was it the aspect of faithfulness versus the lack of it…. No… it wasn’t that… it was Elijah… it was the moment when God showed up as God and laid the offerings to waste and poured out fire forth from Heaven… It was God … it was God honestly being all that He is….

Oh so yes now what does God being God have to do with a wife meeting her husband’s mistress….. oh my the paths we take sometimes…. But here it is…. Both parties in that story.. both woman wanted to believe the story that was beneficial for her to believe and so she believed it until the other woman’s story proved it false….. and as I contemplated that story and the honesty shared between those women I began to understand that which the Father was wanting me to know…..

Elijah’s declaration… his prayer prior to the fire falling from Heaven was “today let it be known” today let it be known that You are who You are…… an incredible prayer followed by the Lord’s demonstration of His power and His might…..

Bear with me I am trying to get where I want to go….. I’ll just say it I think some people of faith are trying very hard to believe that which they as Christians want to believe but that they have so very many questions about the Lord.. His ways… what He does… why He does things or doesn’t do them… Who is He really… But they never allow themselves the freedom to ask those questions…. Out of a sincere heart or out of fear or out of a religious obligation that is steeped in false honor more then reality….. they cling to what they believe without really knowing why they believe it….

I have placed in my heart that which I truly hunger for… I have hungered to know God… not as I would make Him… not as some biblical scholar would make Him… not as some form of current cultural fad would make Him.. But as He is…. As He is…. And the further I go in and the more I allow unanswered questions to linger in the air… the more I am learning to know Him… really know Him… and the less I hide (so funny really) but the less I hide naked behind a bush so He doesn’t see me… the more I allow Him to clothe me and the more I watch as He goes before me … I don’t question Him in ways that demand an answer but more as my son, Gregory, is doing to me these days….

“Mom.. tell me the story of that firetruck…”

“ mom.. tell me how this road was made…”

It is all the mom why is that like that… mom what does that do… mom what do you think… mom do you love me….. questions….. all the questions a little boy’s heart and mind can come up with and he truly comes up with a lot of them and asks them over and over again… even when I give the same answer he still wants to hear all about that fire truck over and over and over again….

Who would think one could see God and know Him better through the story of a wife and her husband’s mistress and the questions of a little boy and what those things have to do with the declarations of Elijah…. Ah the tapestry that is often woven as I walk this dance with the Lord…. It is a wonderfully fun waltz that turns into jig and then back again….

Part two is landing upon the dance floor soon….

Monday, July 18, 2011

my people perish for lack of understanding while they could be crowned with a garland of grace.....

When I think upon the verse that speaks of how the Lord’s people perish or are destroyed for lack of knowledge… lack of kindness… lack of faithfulness… I tangibly touch it... I can so easily see where for lack of knowing the Lord or the ways of His heart I have perished.... In Hosea it is also spelled out about that which there is abundance of ….

In Hosea 4 we read (NASB)
There is swearing, deception, murder, stealing and adultery.
They employ violence, so that bloodshed follows bloodshed.
Therefore the land mourns,
And everyone who lives in it languishes
Along with the beasts of the field and the birds of the sky,
And also the fish of the sea disappear.

Just a side note… isn’t it interesting in light of this verse about that which had happened with the birds of the air and fish in sea….

I admit… I recognize where for lack of knowledge I have perished… I have perished when I didn’t realize nor did I understand nor did I allow myself room to grasp the intense passion… incredible faithfulness… immeasurable kindness…. Abundant grace…. Extravagant love of God. I perished under the lies and systems of the world…. I watch and see now how so many are languishing because of the lack of understanding and the abundance of all that Hosea 4 spells out...... I see others who are also languishing under the oppressive lies of this world and the enemy of our souls and it breaks my heart as I watch... as I pray.. as I yearn for a turning of hearts....

As I have grown in knowledge and understanding… as I have been linked in life with amazing teachers and guides who know the truth of God in an incredible life giving way… as I have moved away from lack and learned wisdom… gained knowledge… experienced kindness and faithfulness I have thrived….

I love proverbs… they are beautiful and practical…. Proverbs 4 states…
Keep my commandments and live;
Acquire wisdom! Acquire understanding!
Do not forget nor turn away from the words of my mouth.
“Do not forsake her, and she will guard you;
Love her, and she will watch over you.
“The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom;
And with all your acquiring, get understanding.
“Prize her, and she will exalt you;
She will honor you if you embrace her.
“She will place on your head a garland of grace;
She will present you with a crown of beauty.”

The promises of the Lord for life.. real and abundant life are profoundly simple and yet extremely exacting….. there are real choices that must be made… a life to choose… a life to forsake… but in forsaking the life that the world has to offer I truly have never been disappointed… and yet in forsaking the life that the Lord holds out freely well I have only perished when I have done that….

One might think that their story is different and that in tasting success in the world that its ways have only profited them… and I have only one answer what does it profit a man to gain the whole world but forfeit their soul… I am grateful that the Lord in all His grace has brought me to where He has…. To lean upon Him … to be guided by Him… To unabashedly… unashamedly look to Him and watch Him and place my livelihood in His hands…… to taste and see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living... to be crowned with a garland of grace... and presented with a crown of beauty... to trust in the Lord with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him and have my paths directed.....

I have seen where because of strongholds or you can call them false belief systems I have perished in areas of my life…. And yet God’s grace has brought the dearest of brothers and sisters into my life to help me confront those lacks and bring forth understanding…… and find life.. and love and hope and peace and victory in areas that had only at one time known a state of perishing and death and sorrow....

I find myself regarding myself as rich and strong… not as the world would measure but as my Father would….. I understand the words of the song where let the poor say I am rich and let the weak say I am strong…… I have perished because of lack of understanding… but my Father would not allow that to be the case and He brought forth understanding in a very real and practical way and I am very humbled and extremely grateful…..

Because He cares for me … He would not let me perish… not eternally and not within the framework of time and life upon the earth…. He cares for me that He brings me from strength to strength and understanding to understanding…. He cares for me daily and deliberately…. He came so that not only would I not perish but that I would have life… abundant life… eternal life…. Life that is so full of joy and delight and strength and grace….. Because He cares for me not only do I not perish but I thrive….

I have stepped further and further in and have purposefully become more like a child... more simple... more readily able to just take Him at His word and believe and trust and know.... I love Him more and more... and I know His love for me in new and delightful ways.... I was certainly never even close to being like Paul the apostle... I am not a theologian.... but I forget all else... to be found Him... to be simply found Him.... to believe like a child and live within the confines of childlike faith.... in this place I have found the most abundant life I could ever want..... I'm not wise in my own eyes... in my own eyes I have seen Him and in Him wisdom has found a name and the understanding has been fully manifested... in learning love ... in knowing His heart I have come to life in a way that I never even dared to imagine....

One Thousand unanswered questions....

My heart is achy today ... Achy and hungry... Desperate to know Him all the more... Hungry for the manifestation of my Kingdom home upon this earth... This soil...  So hungry to see Him... So desperate to know Him... So full of desire that His ways would be manifested upon the streets where i live and walk my days and hours.....


As one who values relationship, communication, vulnerability, transparency  and I could go on and on. I have found myself being confronted by a variety of challenges as of late and in attempting to maneuver my way through I discovered many things about myself and God..


In trying to step into intentional relationship and communication I realized how much of myself I kept to myself.... Trying to protect myself or seem more together then I am ... Trying to appear to know what it is I'm doing.... But while in some areas I walk with understanding mostly I am simply A child 


  I am simply hungry ... I am profoundly thirsty... Not an expert in anything ... Not proficient...  I just want more and am desperate enough ... While not knowing what I want things to fully look like I do know what I don't want them to look like... I'm done with pretense and image management... I want Him as He is... Nothing less


There are aspects of who God is that He shares with us through scripture... Aspects of who He is that are fully true.... Regardless of what I or any other person thinks or believes ... He is that He is... 


I have laid myself bare before God and as David spoke I have said search me and know me... I want to be known and searched out by Him.... I've been done playing games of religion for a while now but I want oh so much more..


I want Him, His kingdom, His ways... And I want to be like Him... I don't want the values or thoughts and opinions of this world to influence my belief system over that which my Father would say...


So I sit with Him these days and wait for nothing less than Him to arise....


Am I weary or heavy laden... Then He gives me rest
Am I blind then He makes it so I can see
Am I deaf then He makes it so I can hear
Am I lame then He makes it so I can walk
Am I hungry then I recall how He fed over 5000
Am I in need of provision then I recall how He caused fish to fill nets, how he caused a jar to not cease flowing with oil or flour, how He throughout history has arisen on behalf of His people and tangibly acted upon their lives....


Well I need God.... I need Him to be as He is... When He says that if we ask for bread He will not give us a stone I need that... When He says that we who are evil know how to give good gifts to our children how much more is He... When He expresses how His eyes are on the sparrow and He takes care of the flowers of the field and the birds of the air I need that... I need to know that about Him... I need for Him to be intimately aware of me to the very aspect of the numbers of hairs upon my head ....


He is not a crutch that I lean on... He is not a cosmic genie.... He is the Lord my God.. Maker of Heaven and earth... And yes boy oh yes do I lean... He has taught me to do so ... To lean upon Him... Not upon my strength but in all my ways acknowledge Him and my paths He will then direct...


I do not pretend to know all of Him even as I long to know Him more.. I do not understand or comprehend His ways... But I do believe and I trust ... Even with a thousand unanswered questions I have attached myself to Him and I will never be the same... And I will come with a faith even more child like... Even more simple ... Even more a fool ... Because there simply is no other way.... There simply and profoundly is no other way

Sunday, July 17, 2011

He already has that ... you don't need to pray....

I feel like I am being awoken to a level of trust that in all honesty I find I bit unnerving.... trust ... I do trust Him... I trust that He will never leave me nor forsake me... I trust that though I walk through the waters I will not be harmed.... but I know that there will be waters.... I trust that He walks with me and walks me through the valleys of the shadow of death and that I need fear no evil .... But I know that there is evil and I know that the valleys..... and they aren't places I like :)

But His goodness is solid and His strength overwhelmingly reliant....

This morning.. (and we are going to take several bunny trails through this blog.. so bare with me... or not... but here we go) this morning my four year old son was in bed with Jim and I and he wasn't feeling one hundred percent... I turned to Him and prayed.. and still he wasn't feeling well... I turned back to him and prayed again.... in a few minutes he was feeling well.... so I began to pray prayers of gratitude.. and prayers over Gregory's life....

I was interrupted as I prayed..... this experience began to unfold... an angel holding a scroll came and stood in front of me and I heard the Lord speak...

I had prayed prayers of thanksgiving for the Lord touching my son and then started to pray a prayer that would just simply ask the Lord to follow him all the days of His life..... now let me be real careful here... there was not condemnation for praying the wrong thing... it was not a harsh rebuke.... it was a simple "your son already has that...... you don't need to pray... just thank Me that it is so..." I had asked that the goodness of the Lord would follow him all the days of his life.... but I do... I do know that to be so... it is scriptural truth in the psalms we are told that the goodness and lovingkindness of the Lord will follow us all the days of our life in psalm 23....

Let me step into a place with you that the Lord has led me into... I got what it was He was saying... and I am not afraid of praying ... "right" way... "wrong" way... there was something the Father truly wanted to convey.. hence the presence and experience of this timing in the morning... it was not a slight whisper... it wasn't unclear what it was He was saying ... He has led me to this path and upon it and I knew He was only bringing me deeper....

Here is a part of my journey that I feel He wants me to share with you.... There are truths that we would all believe.... we would or could all read the same scripture and believe that it was true..... we could read that He has crowned us with loving kindness or my new personal favorite these days found in psalm 36 is this....

5 Your lovingkindness, O LORD, [d]extends to the heavens,
Your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
6 Your righteousness is like the [e]mountains of God;
Your judgments are like a great deep.
O LORD, You preserve man and beast.
7 How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!
And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings.
8 They drink their fill of the [f]abundance of Your house;
And You give them to drink of the river of Your delights.
9 For with You is the fountain of life;
In Your light we see light.

In particular verse 8...... I have been halted upon that verse... I had been led there this week to pray for a friend and within those prayers the Lord let fireworks explode into my heart and has thrusted me upon this journey.....

I have done this before with the Lord... taken something He has said scripturally and asked Him to make it real in my life...

The first time I remember walking this way with the Lord was over the verse... we can love because we have first been loved... and while I could be religious about it and say yes... yes... He loved me first.. while I was yet His enemy He died for me and greater love has no one ever known... yes... that is truth my dear parrot and so glad that I can say it no different then a bird could be taught to repeat it...

But my heart did not know that truth... I had never known love.... not in a way that was going to be able to propel me into life and be a source of strength and comfort for me.... so I took that verse to my Father and said.. Your word says this... but I don't know the truth of that word for myself ... please.. please make it real to me.. love me so fully first that I can love... not out of the flesh love or in my own power love .. but as this verse says.... let me know love so that I can walk my life loving others with the love that I have received.... let me receive that love in a real and tangible way.... and He DID!!!!!! Through a season of life He did... He taught me what it was to be loved by Himself and by others and I will never be the same... I tasted and saw the goodness in a land and He brought me to life...

And that was what He was saying this morning.... declaring over me and my child and my whole family... "know what you have in me...." ... "know what I have already promised you..." and instead of asking.... thank me... thank me.... it declares a depth of knowing Him I believe is what He was saying..... if instead of asking for lovingkindness and goodness of His to follow us I take that which I know and say thank you Lord that goodness and lovingkindness follow us all the days of our lives and now Father make it clear how they do so.... show us tangibly every day how Your great... astounding ... amazing... incredible goodness and perfect lovingkindness follow us every moment ... of every day..... that is what it says..... and that is what I am asking... I thank Him for it... I trust Him for it.. and I ask that He would draw my attentions to it.... it is not a name it and claim it thing... it is these are Your words to me.... pull me up into the truth of them......

The wonder of it all is that I feel in a deeper way that He is causing me and drawing me more and more into His nature and His ways... for His lovingkindness and goodness don't always manifest as the world would think BUT they always manifest as He knows them to be and they always point me further into Him and that which is true..... I love His ways... they bring forth a life I never even thought to imagine could be walked upon this earth... but I am grateful... oh so so so very very grateful.....

Do you need perfect peace? In this day and in this time... Perfect peace calls me to remember that which I truly do know

There is much upon my heart and mind today.... not sure fully which direction all will take but in all my being I feel the solid place of peace I get into … love this place... love this place … love that as I have learned to step into a place where peace passes all understanding while writing that He also has taught me how to take it beyond my desk and my chair and into life.......

Peace that passes all understanding … a solid … tangible... beautiful.. .amazing quality of life.... peace not resting on or dependent upon anything going right or any exterior benefit …. a peace so solid that it surrounds you and encompasses you and your thoughts and your life … a peace that if possible makes it feel like one is floating....

It isn't that the day is devoid of moments and whole sections of the day that arise to challenge that peace is that that peace has truly overcome those moments … it is NOT a stepping into this place in the flesh.... this isn't an attainment of this perfect peace …. it is not nirvana..... This peace is born out of a trust.... an acknowledgment … a knowing.... a depth of relationship.....

Keeping my mind upon Christ my life can be filled with perfect peace..... does a newly dating couple have to work to keep their mind upon the object of their affection... do they have to strive to do so.... as that couple mature and grow in their affections... that changes... it isn't this let me discover you more and more and get to know you and you are everything I have ever wanted..... as a relationship matures there are times that come and offer challenges … some pretty significant ones.... but as challenges are overcome and seasons move forward.. the individuals really truly do begin to know each other.... In Christ's perfection He never fails us... never fails us... that is such an astounding concept..... while we are faithless He remains faithful.... and He knows us... fully before we have even called upon His name He knows us.....

The more I grow in my knowledge of Him... the more this love affair deepens... the more His gaze holds me locked into His affections.......

There are things I have questions about.... lots of things in life right now that bang upon my door and that I want to sort out and figure out.... and they can definitely come and rob my peace.... but here is the deal... do I trust that He who knew me before the foundation of the earth was laid.... who knows all my days... who knows the beginning from the end... who created all things.... who keeps my name written upon His hand... who has numbered the hairs on my head.... who has crowned me with loving kindness... who allows me to drink from the river of His delights … do I trust Him... do I trust that He is good.... always good ….

I DO.... I do.... I trust that He is always good...... I trust His nature and His character... I know that I know that I know that He is always good... that no matter what happens within my life I can look to Him …. that He is my help, my refuge, my strong tower, the shadow I can rest in, my Maker, …..

I have known the nature and character of men and women in my life... some have resembled Christ so closely that I feel as if I have touched Him through them.... others.... well others I have known... some have allowed their nature and character to be so distorted that it is hard to believe that they were created in the image of God … because they have allowed their nature and character to become so distorted by the things of this world and the things of the enemy..... instead of embracing the likeness of Him who they were created to worship … they worshiped themselves at best and the enemy of their souls at worst....

I am who I am... I was made to worship... I was created in the image of God Most High... I was created to know Him and walk with Him and adore Him and be adored by Him.... This world and the enemy pull … they pull at my soul and attempt to demand my attention...... but they never... never keep me in perfect peace if my mind is upon them.... they bring strife... they bring harm... they bring anxiety.... they bring death..... death to my soul.....


I can keep my attention and my affections and my thoughts upon Him whose smile wrecks me... whose ways establish me in the paths of the most amazing ways of life and living... I can keep my attentions upon Him who has prepared a place for me … who goes before me... who can be trusted... He who knows suffering and sorrow within the very core and essence of who He is..... I can trust Him who emerged forth from death.. hell and the grave and now has authority over all things... I can trust Him... I know Him... I know His ways.... His ways are knowable …. He has made them such.....

I can always have a perfect peace.. though the mountains tremble and my bank account is low... though a child of mine is sick... or relationships are difficult.... though I experience death or pain or sorrow... I can have perfect peace … a peace not based on past.. present or future.... but a peace so solid that it transcends all else … blinds me to all else and focuses me upon Him and calls me to remember that which I truly do know...................

Saturday, July 16, 2011

As I look at His smile I get lost in His gaze

We use so many aspects of life to measure worth and value.... these days have had me lost in the smile of the One who loves me and knows me oh so very well..... In His gaze I have been made complete... and in His smile I have found an acceptance of who I am regardless of anything else.... who I am... who He knit me together to be... who He knit me together to love and be loved..... As I look at His smile I get lost in His gaze and lean and lean and lean all the more into Him....

He has walked me to places and through places and into places and away from places... and He has taught me to lean not upon my own understanding but in all my ways to acknowledge Him and He directs my path......

In this season He has drawn me into seeing through His eyes all the more... seeing as He sees and being made aware of His heart and all I can say is I am more and more and more in love with Him..... The more aware I become of His love towards me and the more I receive and dwelll within that love the more solid I feel inside... Not based upon exterior standards... or the standards of the world or even myself.... but solidly and solely based upon Him and that which He says.... solidly based upon the fact that He has declared that He has loved with an everlasting love and drawn me unto Himself in lovingkindness.....

The truth of who Christ is... of who God is is truly revolutionary... amazing.... altering.... allowing it to impact me further and further into the depths of all that I am is bringing forth a reality in my life that I never fully anticipated... the more I let go.. the more He grabs ahold of me... and the more life I experience....

I loving seeing as He sees and knowing as He knows.... being taught of Him for He is so truly gentle and He shepherds my heart in the most amazing of ways.... His delight is in me and it causes great delight to flow in me and through me .. His delight is teaching me things I never even anticipated being taught and I know He is so fundamentally affecting the way I think upon oh so very many things....

His affections are making all the difference... they are drawing me into that which He is truly passionate about ..... a heart for people.... a hunger for people to know Him.... to know how fully they are known and loved by Him.... To believe that which He has said is truth and live in a vibrant expectation of His capacity to walk into the landscapes of life and change everything for the glory of the Father.......

His kindness has changed the way I perceive life.. His beauty has changed the way I see life.... His strength has changed the way I live life....

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I could have been so easily her.... except I would have been guilty Part 2

Disclaimer... :) I am all over the place in this blog and yet I will leave it as it is.....

It is amazing the things one might try and stay away from.... not even fully conscious of the fact that I was staying away from it but yet not interested one iota in something that was captivating the attentions of oh so many......


But here is where I have been brought to in the days since my attempts to not give into the current news item that was throwing its most recent captive to the wolves.... super stars... reality tv.... news... media.... there is not much separating some of that which we call entertainment these days from the Roman Colosseum ... and truly some of the things we watch could very easily lead to death or injury..... ok I truly need to get to where I am going....


Here I go.... not sure how to get there and what it will take in the area of laying bare my soul and my life but here I go.....

What gets to determine truth.... what gets to determine what one believes or what we are willing to believe as a community..... so what if I with a sick sense of humor wanted to teach my child that blue was really green and that green was really blue.... stay with me here.... what if from the time my child was a baby I pointed to the beautiful blue sky and said "green"... What would my child believe? They would believe a lie....

Obvious right... but how about all the lies we believe about ourselves and the world... how about believing that wealth... cars... houses... position... power equate to success... or the standards of beauty that our children and ourselves grow up under and live with.... then the beliefs of less than and more than equate into how we perceive ourselves and our world... we buy into those lies and those false belief systems all the time...


Obvious lies... obvious truth.... obvious good ... obvious bad... or maybe not so much... we judge and regard others concerning that which we have known or experienced.... we attempt to sort out others lives and play god and determine their worth on some pathetic hierarchical scale that determines rank and position and whether or not so and so is worth getting to know or who the "right" person is to befriend and what can they get me... and then we throw a whole group of people under the bus because they aren't worth the time of day based on a world system full of performance oriented demands and structures and standards that even the church has bought into....

Lies... well.. I knew the world of lies really well.. and I have realized lately that I actually knew the world of lies even more than I thought I did.... I bought into all that which I just wrote and judged myself and allowed myself to be judged based on all of that... believed my worth was more determined upon the favor of man and what I could do as if I was some performing monkey... but I needed the approval of man so desperately that I wasn't willing to threaten the very system that held me captive to its stupidity.....

Listen... there isn't anything I won't share if it would result in just even one other person being able to see the truth that really sets the captives free.....
its Christ and Him bleeding and dying on the cross that gets to set the standards of what is truth and what is right... It is Jesus having been in equality with God not considering that something to be grasped but laid His life down and took on the likeness of man so that we could know His Father and call God Abba ourselves...

I know all too well that I could have been so easily guilty of murder... I used to daydream about killing those I should have loved... and I used to have to fight thoughts of harming a child..... I used to have to fight thoughts of abandoning everything and running away as an adult.... I used to have to contend for a life that I didn't even know could exist ... I held on to the faintest of hopes that life could be different while I did not know what that difference was and had not one iota of what it could look like.....

Why to expose myself like this... because I am a fool... no... I am hungry.... I don't care what I look like or what you think because I am more desperate that you realize what lies you are buying into and what it is doing to you..... you don't have to have touched the choices to live or not live or let live or commit harm... to have had lies affect your life in a debilitating way...

Is that one person's opinion matter more than anything... can you not live unless you look a certain way... are you willing to bring harm to yourself or go threw crazy situations so that you might be finally accepted....

I once thought if only those who were supposed to love me and raise me up knew the truth than all would be fine... I staked my life on it... I thought that if only they knew the truth and knew that I wasn't lying about certain things and events then I would be ok... but even when said people had to come face to face with some of those truths... their declaration wasn't of sorrow or forgiveness.. it was of only more accusation.. that I had just been a "sneaky" child and that was that.... I had been the one violated and yet I was the sneaky child....

But truth confronts and those who want to live in lies want to believe what they want to believe and those that are around people like that sometimes have their own investments in keeping up the status quo... I saw it as a child... I saw it as an adult... I've seen it in the church and in ministry....

But here is the thing... Christ brings the truth... a truth so real and vivid and vibrant and powerful... a truth that comes and sets the captives free..... a truth that says I can give you a life you never even knew to dream of .... but you have to be willing to turn and look at the lies and acknowledge them as lies and walk away from them and believe ... believe that this world doesn't get to set the standards... that those standards are lies full of chains that bind and harm... that the world doesn't get to determine success or beauty or failure... it doesn't get to... we don't have to play the world's game the world's way....

That is what it means when it says be in the world but not of it.... we aren't of it... it's rules... it's values.... it's grip.....


We are of a totally other place... where prince and pauper... king and garbage man... president and house keeper.... all will one day bow a knee and declare that Jesus Christ is Lord.... success and life and freedom aren't measurable by the structures and standards of the world...that which the world standards set up are lies.... lies we have bought into.... and yet they only have the power over us that we allow them to have.... I moved away from thinking that I needed certain people to know certain things... I moved away from thinking that who I was was based on other's opinions or ideas of me... I moved away from a past of pain and destruction and lies... and even a life of getting value and worth from ministry and I stepped into a world where but by the grace of God I would be declared guilty... guilty of everything ... but now ... now as far as the east is from the west my transgressions have been removed from me... and now because of Him I stand innocent... guiltless... no condemnation... My heart no longer condemns me and because of this I can stand boldly and confidently before the throne of my Father.... I can't go back to believing in anything less than that which Christ died for me to have.. and He has done it all.... so that truth can reign... we have to want it though... we have to want the truth over the lies... we have to want to see.. and hear.. and know... and be willing to not know where it is that we are going... but follow one who knows the way.. who is the way... the truth .. the life... That is the life I want... nothing less... His life... His way.. His truth...

Do you hear that rattling sound... It is the dry bones of a people arising to become an army

I don't speak concerning restoration of a land as one who doesn't have hope.... I have huge hope... I have crazy hope.... I know that which God can do when one is willing to enter into rest and repentance...


 I have felt the strength and the salvation that enters into life when upon Him and with Him and in Him I declare that rest is a powerful weapon and repentance and turning does bring life!!!


Going to step into what I know how to do... And do it... Share forth from my life.... You have heard me equate my life to Ezekiel's dry bones and the questions from myself and others concerning whether they ( the dry bones) would live again... Whether I could ever function as I was always intended to.... 


Well not arrogantly but in knowing the Father's heart i know what He does for one He does for all....


So if the creator of all things can take a life that no one would have said could live and bring forth life....


 I know He  can take  a nation full of people who know the deep penetrating dryness of bones and yet are tired of that... Are tired of being weary and are tired of the emptiness of religion and the ways of man and want more....


That is the vast army... Made up of people who know what dry bones feel like.... Who know what it is like to be dry... Who know what it is not to have hope .... Who know what weariness is and lack is.. Are you tired of knowing weariness and lack? Do you want rest to the depths of your souls?


You have read where I have shared about my life.. There aren't many people who would ever have said I would get to live where I do!!!  How can I have faith for others... A people...
The question is how can I not?


I was a liar... With a broken and shattered soul... Mind shot... Emotions crushed .. No conscience to speak of ... Seared beyond capacity... No capacity to feel or truly know remorse.. A throw away...  BUT GOD!!!  


Housing crisis.... Job crisis ..... Financial crisis.... Natural disasters.... People confused... Angry... Betrayed... Broken... Afraid... Anxious... Bitter... Sick... Lots and lots of dry bones... Hhhhmmmm maybe a valley full of them... Maybe a nation.... But can they walk again?!?! Can they walk again?!??!  Oh YES ... YES most certain it  can!!!


I had created structures to survive my life .... Through disassociating ... Through allowing my mind to splinter off.... Through closing down my heart... Shutting out that which was painful... I had cut off the flow of life and it hasn't always been easy to turn that spicket  back on.... 


 Trusted in my own  strength and relied on my own know how.... But the dryness didn't go away... Trusted in ministry and religion but that brought as much death... Trusted in the wYs of man and money and finances and and and... And it all led to exhaustion and dry bones...


Through rest and repentance .... Through seasons of quietness and trust have I been saved and strengthen... And dry bones have had life breathed back and now I have arisen and have a  hope so full and intoxicating that I can not keep silent....


I know my God and I know I am His... Went to a place of exile from the human race... Lived so far gone.... So beyond hope .... So broken... But He walked upon the landscape of my life and never quit... He began a good work and is bringing it to completion .... Birthed healing and brought forth joy ...


  I am not one who was destroyed nor am I one now who will shrink back... A confidence has arisen  in a heart that knows new life...


 A confidence that is not arrogance or based on my own effort or capacity to bring anything forth...  A confidence that says as I cease my efforts and rest in Him... He arises.... He breaths new life .... He brings forth hope.... 

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The effects of a vision have left me shattered.... For I know the truth and it has set me oh so very free

This is not a one man... One ministry ... One town ... Come to this place and take it back thing... This is get into your closet... Fling yourself down on your floor... Give Him and yourself no rest until He has healed our land... This is not lift such and such a name or such and such a ministry or such and such a place up.. Don't buy your airplane tickets..... Don't reserve your hotel room.. Don't leave your town.. This IS His name being lifted up and drawing all men to Himself.. This is Him hearing His people crying out in unity and repentance.. This is Him hearing from Heaven and healing our land.. I am wrecked by that which I see... And that which I see is Jesus and people... People in need and in Him and by  Him and through Him is there provision.. I know Him... I really know Him and I believe..

That which truly heals a nation... This is that which I will say for as long as there is breath in my lungs... There is no other way

I will not prophesy natural disaster nor will I prophesy peace ... Peace... I don't have to prophesy the truth for the truth has already been spoken and the words of healing for a nation are already out there....


The governments of the world can not solve the problem.. Nor can they avert natural disaster..  The governments of the world can't create enough jobs, help or educate the poor enough, give enough equal rights... The governments of the world while powerful in what they can do are limited....


It matters not what my opinions are concerning one policy or another... One leader or another... It matters not what my thoughts are concerning financial crisis nor anything else of this time... I'm sure I have offended a multitude .... I'm not saying because Jesus is coming back we don't have to worry or participate... I'm not saying it isn't important to have men and women in a public arena to voice the side of righteousness...


I am saying this however....  As I drove out of town yesterday I saw the presence of the Lord going forward... Beyond me... In front of me... To the left and to the right of me... And I knew this....


That when the presence of the Lord is in a place ... In a land... In a community... There is restoration beyond what we could think or imagine ... When the presence of the Lord goes forth people's hearts are changed without effort ... Without straining....

The Word speaks not of ungodly rulers ( which we are called to pray for) being able to fix a country or a land's problems.. It does however speak of the people who are called by God's name being able to do so.... It does speak of the people who are called by God's name can bring healing to a nation..


What does that look like? What does it look like for a nation to have healing ....
Again it is the blind seeing... The deaf hearing.... The lame walking.... It is plentiful food and thriving communities....


It isn't a dream nor is it a flight of fanciful notions or ideas... I know who I am .... I know who my God is... And I know that which He is capable of doing ... And I believe....


I believe in a God that can arise with healing in His wings... I believe in a God who by His might and throw His spirit a nation can be changed in a day....  


I drove and I drove and I drove yesterday and I will never be the same....  I will wait even more upon the Lord and I will place my hope in Him... I will be even more undignified then this....


I am His... I am His person... His daughter... I am called by His name... I will humble myself in prayer.... And I will seek His face... And I will turn from my ways that are contrary to His and   wicked.... And He will hear... He will hear... He hears me... He hears us... He hears the cry of our hearts and as He does He forgives our sin and He heals our land....


He heals our land... That I will say over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again ... We have a place to look to... It isn't Washington, the White House, the Capitol... We have a place to look to...


I look to the mountains from there my help comes from.... My help is from the Lord... Maker of Heaven and earth..


I do not believe in man's wisdom of taking parts of scripture and manipulating it for personal gain BUT I DO believe in a God who called a people who were not a people who had no hope and gave them hope and a people who had not received mercy to receive mercy...


I don't hope... I don't dream... I don't make up... I don't lie... I do have a God who brings healing in His wings ... For one.... For a town... For a city .... For a state.... For a country...


I don't have an agenda ... I love people... I'm sad that people are troubled and weary and heavy laden .... When I know that there can be rest for their souls....  I don't have an agenda... Nor am I timid or afraid ... I am not one who is being destroyed nor am I one who shrinks back ... 


I am one who knows her God and boldly and confidently stands before Him asking my Abba God to heal this land.... Heal this land my dear Father ... Heal this land to the glory of Your beautiful name....

I am one... I am His ... I am called by His name and He hears me... 

Monday, July 11, 2011

Yesterday's manna becomes fly infested today ... am I willing to risk... Am I willing to know God

If I were to be honest... Truly honest I have stayed in a certain place in my walk with the Lord at times because I had grown not so much comfortable but aware... 


Aware of what it was I was living within and how I was  functioning there... Aware as ie playing it safe....  


There are times I get confronted by this truth ....  I loved taking pictures... I loved fooling around with my camera and so I thought about heading into photography with more of an attitude of making it more than just fooling around.


 Then  I encountered how much I really didn't know...  What I learned about myself was that I didn't care enough about photography to devote my time and strength into learning ...


There are times I know that I am in a place with God where I know how to operate.. I know that which I'm doing... I know Him in that place and it's safe... 


But then...... 


There comes upon the landscape of my life a thought... A piece of Him I didn't know before.... A deeper aspect of His character and nature that He reveals and I'm left hungry and wanting....


Him... Our Kingdom these things I now find myself longing to pursue ..... I really want to know Him as He is... Experience Him as He is push into Him ... Become like Him... Abide in Him...


Unlike photography as I encounter aspects of Him that I do not know i attempt to push through and in and up... Towards Him... Not shrinking back but pushing through...


while I can possibly allow emotions to arise such as concern over will I ever understand such and such a specific aspect... I try to posture myself into the understanding that with Him there truly is no limit... 


No limit .. I can know Him as much as I hunger to know Him... As much as of myself I am willing to lose... As much as of myself I'm willing to die to... I can truly know God!!! That is an amazing concept... And I have all eternity to do so


It is hard though at times... He allows me entrance into a place that I find wonderful and I want to stay there... I know how to operate within that place ... I feel strong there... Knowledgable ... Aware... And it is good and life giving and I want to stay


Yet it quickly becomes like yesterday's manna.. And the life it gave begins to turn... And I can hold onto known reputation for being good at something or even self gratification that I can feel comfortable in that arena or I can risk and trust that He truly will lead me from glory to glory and strength to strength... If I go He is faithful to let me know Him... He is faithful to lead.... He is faithful to teach me His  ways.... He is faithful 

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I have found an exhaustion with religion and silly corporate games and I am just to tired to care about that anymore....

Ah... the delight that is so utterly apparent in the most magnificent of our Lord's prayers... Their desire that we know oneness as they know oneness and the strength of that joy of that union.....

So exhausted by the games of religion I have found myself just utterly leaping off of places and sharing that which is upon my heart.... if we are to journey together let us leap into joy together.... let us not allow fear to inhibit relationship... let us not play the silly teenage games of who likes who and who likes who better and who likes who enough to take the first steps.....

I have fought an exhaustion and needed the Lord to minister to portions of a closed off heart because of these said games.... and I just don't want to live there any longer... where insecurities and fear and lack pretend to dictate and try to determine the life and times of myself or others....

Pharisees so afraid of grace... so afraid of their position of power being threatened... so afraid of being less than that fear stole from them the moments of walking upon the earth with their Creator.... anger... selfishness. fear... insecurity... doubt blinded them to one of the most amazing and spectacular moments within human history... they were not only walking the face of the earth with the maker of heaven and earth they were upon the same soil....

I just don't want to walk upon that soil in the same way.... I want to walk upon the soils of my life not playing the silly games of religion and listening to who is in relationship with who and who has favor with who and who knows who and blah blah blah blah blah...

I know Him... I know Him intimately... I know Him thoroughly... as thoroughly as He allows and He allows oh so much of Him to be known... still always a mystery but still very much known... and knowable.... I know Him.. I know His ways... I know that He comes to seek and save the lost... to heal and deliver and adore..... to bind up and make whole and to bring His joy and His delight to a dark and weary land in such desperate need of the living waters that flow forth from Him....

So as I go to the parking lots of the stores I shop in and dream what it would look like for the spirit to fall upon that place and I look for the hurting and broken... I wander the shops and the streets and watch and wait and set my heart upon the Father... ever ready to see that which He is doing....

So very beyond the worship services of Sunday or Wednesday or whatever day into every day..... I am who I am.... He is who He is... and the Pharisees and their ways and the games that I have seen played just don't matter anymore .... I have looked into the eyes of those that are perishing and I have learned His compassion and those games they just don't matter any longer.....

I can think of no better words to describe that which I have learned than those of the dear character, Sarah, in the movie Labyrinth....

"Give me the child. Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great... You have no power over me. "

I take the Child of Bethlehem over religion and game play any day... and I have fought my way through those paths and labyrinths that man would set up and say had to be played and I have truly been strengthened and have truly come to understand that His kingdom is far far greater than any religious game that any can play and that there is only one that has power over me... and He exercises that power and authority with great and mighty love within that power not manipulation .. control... domination... or fear.....

Oh as it is in Heaven dearest Father... Abba God... as it is where You dwell and are worshiped make it so here... dwell here... be worshiped here... set things to right here.... let the sick be well... let the sorrowful know joy... let the weak know strength... let the poor know hope....

Oh Jesus as you walked the face of the earth come walk it again with us.... breath upon us oh breath of God ... breath of Heaven and grow us up into mature sons and daughters who know Your ways and walk in them.. let us love You and all... and hasten the day towards Your coming....

let the inhabitants of the earth be glad and rejoice for the Lord has heard our cry and knows how desperate our deep deep need for Him is... mercy triumphs and love conquers.... and these are the rules to my Father's house..... mercy triumphs and love conquers... and perfected love knows no fear nor insecurity....

Dearest One of all creation we wait upon You to breath upon us once again.... this is my story ... this is my desire... the song of my life... I know You ...dearest One.. You have made Yourself known and I have only begun to really see that which You can do....

so tired of thinking that I had to make it by myself... He showed me a more excellent way....

I knew he was nearing.... and I knew He knew where to find me... but of course He did.... He knows all... sitting on that hillside.. hands behind my back leaning on my arms outstretched and overlooking the landscapes beyond me.... I didn't fully see His approach but boy oh boy did I feel it and then the light broke up off behind the hill and came up shining so that as He arrived there there was abundant light shining forth upon Him.... and our gazes locked and we stayed in that place and I felt His stare burn deep into me.... His understanding complete... His compassion full.. His mercy ever present....

Waiting and standing there He knew me completely and fully.... and He waited in those moments for me to settle into the fact that He truly was there... fully present ... and able to do anything I could think to ask of Him .... I didn't know what I wanted... and so I just looked to Him... and yet He stayed solid and unmoving.. not unmoving in any way shape or form that would denote unmoved... but unmoving....

It wasn't my doubt keeping Him at bay... it was my pain..... my confusion... my uncertainty.... my longing and yet my heart wouldn't fully relent.... but that was more than ok... because neither would His and He is oh so much stronger....

What did I want out of that moment with Him? It wasn't fully clear.... and then He spoke.... and broke the silence and open mouthed and wide eyed... I came full circle... He knew me.. He knew where He could find me... He had made entrance to that place available to me... He knew where He would find me.... as it pertains to not only where I would be physically but where I would be in my being... He knew all and He had come up that hill and come seeking and had sought me out... having left all to come find me ... He walked up that hill with all the presence and power to find me and to bring comfort and solace to a heart that needed Him oh so very desperately....

Tired ... simply in some places just so bone weary tired.... wanting to be like John and just recline upon Him and hear His heart beat and rest... rest in Him and upon Him.... wanting to be like Him and soak in the oneness of the deep and profound relationship of the trinity.... wanting to be one with them as they are one and know the strength that comes forth from the joy of that unity....

And there it was... and I looked into His eyes.. and found the answer that had leapt into my heart confirmed there.... I was tired... I was so tired of going it alone... so tired of thinking that I had to make it by myself.... and He still there not condemning me nor berating me for the way of thought that had so entered my life as a child.. but warming it out of me... wooing it out of my being.... drawing it forth out of my bones and in its stead a capacity to rely upon Him....

Just as deep as the lies had penetrated that I had no one .. the truth saturated deeper still and I knew that even in those days when I thought I was surviving by brute strength and sheer will He walked with me.... His rod and His staff had brought comfort to me... In moments where my resolve had completely been worn down and my tenacity drained from my being He had been there... He had been there and He was here and He wasn't ever going anywhere that I could no longer not go.....

In those moments of that hillside as I sat and He stood and as we locked eyes the most eternal of truths past through me and into me and around me and above me and under me and surrounded me... His love had conquered all... His love had never strayed.. never wavered... never could be less.. He had pursued me with a fervency and a demand that even I had never answered He would have never lessened it all the moments of all the days of His pursuit.....

And where the weariness of more recent times and seasons were upon my heart He took my chin and locked eyes again and I knew that He was far more able to do that which my heart desired then I was able even to come up with the words to ask Him to do so..... and in that moment on that hill I fell so deeply in love .. with the lover of my soul... my savior.. oh boy does He love my soul so very well... and in that place of need upon that place on the hillside I sat and He stood and in the fullness of joy that erupted out of Him He brought forth restoration....

Watch... and wait.. and see... His goodness..... His goodness and His decision for His goodness to surround my life overwhelms me and I soak it in ... and we will go leaping and dancing upon the hills and the mountain tops down into the valleys and beyond..... skipping and dancing and leaping as we go... as we go together....

Plugging myself so very completely into Him and His affections and His strength and His delight... and His rest that He offers ..... I will soak in the rest that He offers for it is in repentance and rest my salvation is found and it is in quietness and confidence my strength is renewed.... and He strengthens me as I lean... and out into the wilderness He had wooed me so that I would lean and lean well..... lean very very well...........