The "tween" years in the Spirit. Part 3: An Encounter I'll never forget

There are moments with our Lord that seem branded into my being and this .. well, this one I think will forever (truly forever) live within all that I am ...

It started and I was just simply driving... driving down the road by myself... and yet so very not alone....  I bent my head down and I spoke first... "I care about You." It was simple and yet the car filled with a presence that I know to be Father and again I whispered... "I care about You."

Four simple words and yet the atmosphere changed and it was powerful.... tangible powerful love filled the car and I knew I was so loved that I had never and could never on my own comprehend the love that was so very present...

And again... whispering but looking up this time... "I care about You."

Four little words held worlds of meaning and I was changed within the minutes... I so care about our God that all that I am I desire to be more like Him... He has loved me as Father.. Brother.. Comforter...  He has given me family and called me His own and empowered me towards belonging...

In those moments it wasn't passion and it wasn't ecstatic.. It was probably the most solid feeling I have ever felt in my entire life....

My confession of my affection came forth from a realization that has been being formed for weeks now and came fully forward as I simply drove my car....

He cared enough about me to bring me through a season of discipline... a time and place where I would learn to rule over myself and drive myself to behave in such a way because of my affection for Him.....  that I would learn to choose Him and His ways over lesser ones.. and He was wooing me towards that sanctuary all the time...

A child is told an oven is hot because it is hot and it would burn the child horribly if touched.. but if a child isn't cared about enough to be told said oven is hot that child will be harmed over and over and over again... the oven isn't kept away from the child because a good thing is being withheld... an oven is kept away from a human being until the individual can touch it without harm....

 It is because of great love that goes in many directions that my heart desires righteousness.. not out of fear of punishment... but perfect love has washed me so thoroughly and cared about me so deeply that it has fundamentally changed the way I have thought and behaved....

I don't act righteously because I have to ... I walk with Him because it is that which I desire...  and His desire is for me... and He cares so very much for me that He would use His strength and wisdom and might and discipline to move me towards Him ... It truly is His great kindness that leads one towards repentance... but beyond repentance.. He has lead me towards life and moments where I know or at least have an inkling of how very much I'm loved...

Not an orphan in the natural but in the spirit my heart has touched those places... never a slave but had allowed ministry and the approval of man to own me... never a servant but had had many masters.... certainly a child desiring my ways and my ways now... but tasting the place of a daughter and looking up to Father and seeing that which He is I have been pulled into His bosom and have had my desires transformed...

I still am beyond moved as I think upon those moments.. maybe for some of you it is hard to comprehend what I am saying here.. the depth of these moments still so palpable...

I was never cared enough about to teach about life.. I entered adulthood and college bound to fail for I had no capacity to live.... I was never treasured or cherished or considered worthy of another's time to the point where I would be trained up in a way I should go.... I was left to fend for myself.. left to learn the art of manipulation and falsehood... left... simply .. period... left...

But not really.. not ever... He who knew all my days.. watched over me and called forth to me and He who knew all my days would run to me and recover me.. and love me to a place where I could be strengthened and learn discipline and not resent it and not run from it....

For me that is beyond huge.... In those moments in the car... I felt more changed then I could ever express... gratitude for moments of rebuke... beyond appreciative that He cares enough about me to gently lead me by the stillest of waters and tenderly care for me for I am His own.... To rebuff me and correct me and transform me and call me forward to discover the image in which I was truly made....

I care  about You for You have so transformed my life that I desire to be like You.. I care  about You to lay my life down and not desire my ways but passionately hunger after Yours... For one who has walked with no conscience and no remorse... these moments were so beyond anything I thought I would ever feel... Not because of any ought to but because desire and hope and love could I feel lesser desires fade away and in their place a heart strengthened by the reality of what it truly means to be made in His image.. to stand as His daughter... to delight and to love and to be delighted in and loved.....

He .. His love... melts me and has thoroughly captivated my affections... I am so thoroughly blown away by His tendernesses... and His compassion .. and His might and my eyes have been open to the truth that the lesser things of this world are so very very much lesser... and they hold not the smallest of candles to His roaring flame....

The "tween" years in the Spirit part 2: The Personal Side

I sat in the basement and couldn't shake the residue of the dream that I had just had....  I realized that there were portions of my heart.. of my being that felt very much like an orphan (I'll get to that in a minute) and having heard him teach I wanted to push through and move towards the maturity that a daughter of God can walk in ... but my heart crippled and the dream weighing down upon me it felt so uncertain....

I just sat there... upon that couch and lingered.... I wanted to know how to get there... how to not attain per se to maturity but what does it mean for one to be a mature daughter... how does one overcome when places of your heart feel so abandoned... unnamed... left to fend for oneself.....

I lingered there and Father told me to get up and head upstairs... with questions hanging all around me I did as I felt He was directing me to....  In the living room sat the friend we were traveling with.. computer open ... reading...

He began to read out loud.. no joke ... and I just sat there in awe.... writing concerning things of the heart he began to read the part he had been going over.... within the things he said he shared three ways the heart of the orphan grows up and receives healing....

As I shared in part 1... Jim and I have a friend by the name Rick Sizemore, whose writings and teachings the Lord is using in the lives of so very many people....  The Heart of the Matter is what he was reading from......  In this teaching he talks about the Heart of God as it is represented by Father, Brother, and Spirit.... and then he goes into explaining about the heart of orphan, slave, servant, child and mature son or daughter.....

The things he spoke of that morning have carried me far... To have discipline .. now there is no way in this blog that I could ever cover each portion but I will share how it personally impacted me.... To have a heart that knows it is not about performance to receive acceptance or correction... that I am not made up of what I do or don't do... the things I do do or don't do are not the measuring rod of the person I am... I am a daughter of God PERIOD!!!  Not because I have performed it well.... thirdly to have a heart that covers that doesn't not accuse Father of wrong doing .. to have the capacity in ones heart to cover nakedness ... (Noah's sons)...

Now there is so much teaching that could go into that and actually in June our friend will be teaching The Heart of the Matter in the Atlanta, Georgia area.. (more to say on that some other time)...

But to get back to the process.... I had never had discipline.. I have had punishment.. insane punishment if a mistake was made..  mistakes are opportunities to learn from not moments that one should be punished for.. but I had never learned that... no concept of discipline I hit adulthood hard... to use the word, adulthood, rather loosely.....  I lacked much because I knew not the beauty of having discipline in my life....

I am for the sake of the length of this  post going to stay here on this topic...

Through this last season of life I have watched Father so come along side me and through circumstances bring discipline to me in a way that as I look back truly embodies the truth that He only disciplines those He loves...

Through bringing discipline in my life... and when I say that I will say circumstances would arise and He would lovingly admonish me to take deep breath and not react.. He would speak tenderly to me and cause me to live in the Spirit... He would bring a stronger voice and encourage me to stand against all that swirled around me.. He would ask of me to believe that when upon asking for wisdom He granted it .. because it is and was His desire for me to no longer be swept away emotional with every wave that would come ... He taught me discipline and while this past season was difficult and full of challenges as I emerge and as I continue to walk.. I realize that He has added to me the capacity to receive discipline and discipline myself in ways I have not entered into ... And I am changed...

No one ever disciplines an orphan.. and an orphan faces the world without some of the constraints that others would take for granted... from organizing a day and scheduling to speaking truth to a heart that would believe many lies...

The heart of an orphan is insecure and lacks peace... lives in striving and performing for affection...  believes that it is all up to self to receive anything.... an orphan has the hardest time receiving discipline due to feelings getting easily hurt and seeing authority as only a place of pain will not trust and will not walk in submission....

An orphan belongs to no one... but through this season.. Father stepped in and used everything from daily situations to moments in life one wishes would just go away to learn that He who is Father only disciplines those He loves.. and discipline to a wise person is a point where gratitude flows.. because error has been shown and lack of understanding has been covered...

I used to perish in moments for lack of understanding how to walk in maturity but He has brought and is bringing me forth away from a heart of lack into a place where I never thought I would ever walk... While I had been left alone to fend for myself and faced adulthood with no tools and no resources... He came along and spoke into me that in being His daughter I would never be left or forsaken and that He would walk alongside me and lead me in tender loving kindness and mercy.....

I sat there that day in Massachusetts in awe.. in awe that not even ten minutes earlier I had felt imprisoned by a heart that lacked understanding and yet... and yet... Father knows all things.. He knows my days... from before I lived one of them and He has saturated my life (not with circumstances that say to the outside world that I am blessed per se ) but He has flowed into my life and taught me to arise from the ashes of orphan and the pile of dry bones of Ezekiel and is walking me into maturity as His daughter....  belonging to Him....

That I know that I know that I know that I am His.. and that standing in that place of acknowledging Him as God, King and Comforter of my life... I can stand and say no to lesser things because I can look forward and be one that smiles at the future.. not because the events say so.. but because He has ... and that foundation is sound....

The "tween" years in the Spirit part 1

I woke up and felt like I was suffocating....

Yet He was there.. not as immediately felt as I would have desired but He was there.....  "you must write this" He said....

I have a daughter who is eleven and my goodness I know what "tween" years are like... one day a child...  a happy as a lark... playing... laughing... swinging on swings... (uhm forget day here and put moment) the next there is weeping and roller coaster emotions and which outfit looks better and do these earrings go and the list goes on and on....

I did I woke up feeling like I was suffocating and knowing that the Lord wanted me to write but having nothing... having nothing.. I would consider myself a good writer... but have learned oh how much that truly depends on seeing pictures and hearing and feeling promptings.....

So laying there in bed hoping that the day wasn't going to be about fighting through all those emotions that were leaping and abounding upon me... I cried out and truly this was immediate... aaaahhhh that is our God.... Father no side note here you are thoroughly amazing and beautiful...

What I saw was the scene from the movie, Hook, in the scene Peter Banning is having an argument with his son, Jack.... This is the quote they are on a plane heading to England and the dad, Peter, who is terrified of flying has missed a baseball game of his son's.....

Peter Banning: Jack, my word is my bond.
Jack: Yeah, junk bonds!
[he hits the ceiling door in the plane with his ball, and causes the oxygen masks to drop down and scare Peter half to death]
Peter Banning: What in the hell's the matter with you? When are you gonna stop acting like a child?
Jack: [laughs] I am a child.
Peter Banning: Grow up.

That was the scene that ran through my head as I cried out to the Lord.. and He then spoke so Kingly.. with such the compassion and authority every human being wants to hear in a father....

"I am not like that..., please go and write...."

There are two verses that play upon my heart.... there is a pathway to life and it is to regard life and walking out our days according to the spirit ... according to the ways of our Kingdom...  according to the ways of our truest citizenship....


1 Corinthians 13:11 (nasb)  states... When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

1 Corinthians 3:1-2 (nasb) And I, brethren, could not speak to you as to spiritual men, but as to men of flesh, as to infants in Christ. I gave you milk to drink, not solid food; for you were not yet able to receive it. Indeed, even now you are not yet able, for you are still fleshly. For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly, and are you not walking like mere men? For when one says, “I am of Paul,” and another, “I am of Apollos,” are you not mere men?

 When I was a child... I spoke... I thought... I reasoned.... as a child....  A friend of ours has a teaching entitled The Heart of The Matter... In that teaching, Rick Sizemore, goes into the heart of Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit... In that teaching Rick also talks about the heart of the orphan.. the heart of the slave..  the heart of the servant.... the heart of a child and the heart of a mature son and daughter... It has been life for me and here is why.....

In this season and as I watch, travel, and talk to others I hear this theme... not so much about the heart of the orphan, slave, servant.. although those are there.. but the battle right now in the spirit.. the battle is that our Father desires mature sons and daughters and there are way too many areas where we are satisfied to remain children...

Now He is in no way shape or form like Peter Banning... He isn't missing important events in our lives and He isn't screaming at us to grow up... but He is wooing us in the spirit.... wooing and calling and desiring...

What does this look like.... well it is as Paul wrote in Corinthians... It is the desire that we could be spoken to like spiritual people but we regard the flesh and fleshly ways as to where we want to walk.. in the way we regard our lives and the lives of others...   we would rather wear the flesh then put it off....

What... Colossians 3:5-15

Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. For it is because of these things that the wrath of God will come upon the sons of disobedience, and in them you also once walked, when you were living in them. But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him— a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all.
  So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

I will write more next blog about the journey that I have been walking through in this arena.. and get really personal... .. if you have had or have known a child in the "tween" years you know this it isn't the easiest of journies.. but our Father who is so very full of compassion is yearning for us to step towards maturity and as we step.. He sweeps us up and carries us along... Our eyes and hearts on Him not on circumstances or ourselves...

Yes I will write what this last season has been because in those words not just in a concept presented will you be able to grab a hold of Father as He is grabbing a hold of you.....  This is what this season in the spirit it is... It is a hunger that Father as placed in the spirit calling out to us all to be mature sons and daughters...

The Reality of It All ... sleeping (or trying to) in the bow of the boat....

The catch phrases of the day are transparency and vulnerability and authentic.. I find as I try to live this life with those words in mind I realize more and more how I still pick and choose where and when I am transparent.. vulnerable .. authentic...

What about the nights (such as this one) when I am kept awake thinking about this son or that daughter.. or this friend.. or that piece of work that keeps slipping through my fingers... where I wonder about how to fully communicate my heart to a child's teacher or someone from the past...

In these places where I would be confronted by my lack.. and the last thing I truly want to do is come and write... I would A) rather be sleeping and B) push all this stuff out of my mind not write about it C) rather be sleeping... did I mention that... oh yes, because I would rather be sleeping...

But I keep getting up and coming to the computer.. to write this email or check out that thing for this child or that child.... emails, todays phone calls (well.. I really can't start those at 4:45 am est..) conversations that need to happen today... retreats that are going to need planning.. this meeting.. that.. and the list keeps going on and on...

And again the last thing I truly want to be is vulnerable or transparent right now... attempting to find the place in the bow of the boat where even though the wind and waves have their best at me.. I find myself asleep... ah back to A. and C. (actually the whole alphabet but whose counting letters.. or is that numbers and sheep)

So my rave... I have numerous people in my life I don't really know what to say to.. (if you are reading this and you think that is you it isn't) but there are lots of things I want to say.... there are numerous opinions I have that I would love to voice except I have learned that silence is usually at most times a very wise idea... and letting time pass is an even better one.... I have more projects than I know what to do with and more possible worries and concerns that can and do keep my up in hours like these...

And in these moments as I have tried now to fall asleep all night and have not been able to I come .. I come with all my authentic.. vulnerable.. transparent .. stuff (not really the word I would like to use but it will suffice.) It isn't in the beautiful .. ah had this vision moment.. or mountain top experience where all of what I want my life to be about counts...

It counts here... here where children, work, life, faith, future etc etc... would bare down.. here is where it matters.. here where all my questions would rage and roar at me and keep me up... here is where it matters.. that I recognize that in these moments .. in these moments I arise and come transparent... vulnerable... authentic.. In these moments looking at the bow of the boat or the wind and the waves... looking at both of them as they present themselves... and realizing once again there will always be the wind and the waves...

There will always be the wind and the waves... there will always be one who seeks who he can devour... there will always be until eternity begins .. within time there will be these things....  All the things that are out of my control to affect...

It is not a place of peace... but there is a peace that passes all understanding.. and tonight I realize why it is said that way... all understanding would say peace is not able to exist here... however the wind and the waves don't get to have their say and peace.. peace does... The Living Word spoke peace to the wind and the waves and silenced them... lifted Peter from them... overcame them..

So while still thinking about phone calls, emails, conversations, planning, children .. I turn.. I turn and realize once again the reality of it all... beyond my focus and my attentions must live my trust and my dependency .... without them yes the wind and the waves win... but tonight as dawn fully approaches I will go and lay my head down to sleep and rest in the understanding that peace isn't dictated to by the wind and the waves.. that peace passes all understanding.. and that is the reality of it all...

On the morning after Easter.. the world was very different.. and very different options existed.. and that is the reality of it all... very different options exist... and so authentic and vulnerable and transparent means that I like Peter want to get out of the boat and walk on the water and yet I like Peter look at the waves and begin to sink and I like Peter need Jesus to reach out for me and bring me back into the boat so I like Jesus can fall asleep in the bow of the boat....

I would rather my child sin and fall short then walk around with a buttoned up.. ironed.. polo shirt ..looking the part... playing the part.. and have a heart that is far from God at best.. self righteous at worse.

And while this post and blog are mine I desire to enter into dialogue with you ..

I have been walking through a situation that includes a child of mine  (so you have a mother's heart in the play here... I will not deny that).  But beyond a mother's heart the incident has provoked oh so many questions in regards to faith, grace, Christian standards... God's heart, God's standards... etc

What constitutes a leader? A student leader etc..... What role have we put upon our leaders? What needs or expectations do we have for them that God does not? What do we  expect? What does God desire?

Micah says... "He has told you, O man, what is good and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice,  to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God?"

Jesus addresses the Pharisees of the day and beyond calling them white washed tombs expresses that they put upon the people a weight and burden of righteousness that is not from His Father... an exterior set of standards that would cause any to stumble...

David... an adulterer and murderer ... called a man after God's own heart...

Paul... having not achieved but pressing onto the goal... the things he hadn't wanted to do doing...  no condemnation in Christ...

The topic had come up during the week in a completely other conversation .. and I had begun thinking upon it... my conclusions had been that it is really sad that people feel like as a Christian they have to have so much or be so much or do so much or "what does it say about their Christian witness"....

Does it detract from the gospel if I am poor? Sick? If I am a Christian and my life is broken then doesn't that say that my Christ can't fix everything?  What if a child is sick and I'm in leadership and he or she isn't healed? Am I disqualified?

It makes me sad that people legitimately struggle with these thoughts.... it makes me sad BECAUSE it so falls short of the heart of Father.... This isn't a theological disagreement this is a lack of knowledge and it causes people to perish...

There aren't many things that get my proverbial goat... but the spirit of religion is one of them..  I won't call it righteous anger that flared.. but an anger that encompassed more of a mentality that said I would rather my child sin and fall short then walk around with a buttoned up.. ironed.. polo shirt ..looking the part... playing the part.. and have a heart that is far from God at best.. self righteous at worse.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs .. Jesus came to point to the heart of God... to whom did He come? The broken.. down trodden... sinners... sick.. outcast....  Who did He appoint to be His leaders.. the ones He would entrust with the whole story of redemption?  One would deny Him ....  but it was upon that man's confession  that Jesus said He would build His church...

Flip the coin.... and I see as a leader.. my choices really aren't just my own... I think about posting something on facebook.. could I post it .. yes... but is it wise, is it life giving... will it cause people to wonder about if I am saying something I am not... I take those into consideration... I think when I write about the ramifications...

But there has to be grace... I don't want to see in a leader some performed exterior standard of righteousness that I would have to work exhaustingly to attain.. I want to see (and am grateful that I am blessed beyond belief to have in my life) leaders that walk as real men and women...  acknowledging weakness and welcoming God's strength... it would speak more to me of the reality of Christ and His works on the earth to see one who is being real with the faith walk then one who would stand before me presenting a beautiful white exterior to a casket... but inside be full of the driest of dry bones and full of death but performing a false righteousness that only causes others to die.....

It was for freedom that He came ... For the love of God... For the heart of Father.. Creator...  Mercy triumphing over judgment...  kindness leading to repentance... all of us dust and but being dust carrying the most magnificent life within ... our walk more about that which He has done not what we can achieve... no tower of babel to be built here ...  no accomplishment for us to possess ...

Jesus is beautiful and the way He loves us broken .. frail.. imperfect ...  and draws us up into Him.. not as a work of the flesh but as a journey of faith is amazing.