Tuesday, November 30, 2010

You are more than what you have become

There has been much upon my heart and my mind these days..... and as I head towards the 10th of December I have paused and paused and thought upon days gone by and I have stood like one at a cross roads.... The road before me undiscovered but I have come to it from the paths I have journeyed and as I stand here looking out upon it .. upon the unknown I change my direction and I look up and I look into His eyes and I take a hold of His hand and know within me who it is that leads me on.......

On Friday December 10th I will be sharing parts of my story (you can see the stirthewater.com/events website for the details) and there are many things upon my heart..... I have been feeling a wooing back to walk in things that I had laid aside... I had stepped away from ministry outside of my family ... putting first things first..... and yet in this new season I have been feeling this push and as I have begun to journey upon this road there are times I feel the rush of feeling the presence of the Lord as I prepare ... the strength of His assurances as I look towards Him for wisdom... the peace that only He can truly give.... and yet I journey this road slowly ... taking step by step... cherishing the tenderness of the Lord as He leads me on... He truly does lead us gently and sweetly and lovingly..... because He knows how we are made and He understands the depths of our inner most beings.....

I lived in a world of lack.... lacking a conscious .... lacking any true capacity to connect to another human being..... events had brought me there but there I lived.... lies, deceit, deception, darkness, despair shrouded my very existence and upon me they bore down and shattered my soul...... from that place I tried to journey into a world that I was utterly unprepared for and hit it like a brick wall.... if there was any further capacity to unravel it happened again and again until in the place of a human being there was nothing but a vapor..... living ... walking... nothingness... But there is one who journeys into places of great darkness and upon the scene of my life He walked bringing His magnificent light......

So many things had been said about me in regards to what my life wouldn't be... couldn't be..... and yet I stand in a place that calls those words to the ground and I live a life that shouts out a hope to the hopeless and screams out a freedom to the captive.......

I step back onto this path..... I know within my heart beats a roar and a passion for those whose lives know lack ... whose lives need to know the passions of a God whose greatest desire is for them and who hungers to pour out His love and compassion upon them.....

One of my favorite quotes is from the Lion King.... It is when Simba as a grown lion experiences the presence of his father.... and he is told.... "You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me ...... You are more than what you have become ..... Remember who you are"

I know that I know that I know that when we catch a glimpse of all that the Father really is and grasp who we are in light of all that we will remember in the depths of who we are who it is we were always meant to be and we will step into a place as sons and daughters and we will shake the world.....

The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley;a it was full of bones. 2And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry. 3And he said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” And I answered, “O Lord GOD, you know.” 4Then he said to me, “Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD. 5Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: Behold, I will cause breathb to enter you, and you shall live. 6And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the LORD.”
7So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I prophesied, there was a sound, and behold, a rattling,c and the bones came together, bone to its bone. 8And I looked, and behold, there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them. But there was no breath in them. 9Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, Thus says the Lord GOD: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live.” 10So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.

Ezekiel 37......................................................................

An exceedingly great army..... people who know their God and will do incredible things in His name... because they know Him.... and they know who they are in Him and their passions and affections are undivided may we run towards that moment with all that is within us.......

Monday, November 29, 2010

The good... the bad... the real... the ugly.....

We had a home birth with Elizabeth, our sixth and last child. As I think back to that day and that time I truly cherish those moments and yet when the Lord drew my attention to them I knew what He was getting at and towards those wishes of His I wander this afternoon. Not well and as I reread this piece (after writing it) I somewhat shudder at the lack of coherence.....

There was a walk with Gregory in the early morning hours prior to Elizabeth entering into the world that evening and then a couple friends arrived and we went on a long walk all together.... I had been in labor off and on for three days and we were making every effort for this to be the last day.

As my thoughts were drawn back to that day there were two aspects that I know the Father was pointing at... as if arrows like those you find on road signs there were two big ones pointing at each of the specific moments He was wanting me to dwell upon......

The first one goes something along these lines.... People often remark at the choices I make towards vulnerability and transparency. And yet this morning I found myself feeling very convicted.... I share very openly in some areas of my life or my walk with the Lord and in others I am very quiet. Who isn't might be your question? Or my rationale has been under the guise of having good boundaries. In honesty maybe some of that is in effect or maybe it is hypocrisy on my part. Choosing here and there to be vulnerable and transparent all the while really hiding behind some artificial spirituality and only sharing the experiences and not the backside.... So I apologize..... because the backside is what is on the Father's heart..... It isn't that I have anything special that opens those doors of relationship with Him .. opens those experiences..... if anything it is quite the opposite......

Let me jump to the second arrow actually first and then come back to this..... Labor had fully kicked in and we were truly close to her birth. Yet as anyone who has been in that place can attest it is what it is and I was there..... when all of a sudden kneeling there upon my hands and knees I was elsewhere..... I was still semi aware of the room and the people but the pain was gone and I was surrounded by such a thick presence of the Lord that I was able to enter into a place of rest and peace that stunned me even while it was happening..... Even to this day what I remember is the clarity of peace that existed in those moments until I heard the Father speak... "you need to reengage." He was giving me a few moments to catch on but I knew He meant soon and then now...... I knew what reengaging would mean.... I knew what lay ahead of me and I so more than anything wanted to stay in that place but it was time .... I let go of where He was holding me still and as soon as I did my water broke and Elizabeth was born within minutes.....

I live in moments like those .... obviously not giving birth to a baby but moments when this world seems very other and all that I am is lost into another place...... those places and times and moments with the Father I feel very called to share..... I do believe part of what is on my life is to show how much we are truly loved and how great the affection of the Father is..... however there are several parts within this expression that I haven't shared...... Today I found myself asking a dear friend what her thoughts were concerning if I use that place with the Father as a crutch to get through daily living.... her words were beautiful back to me as she spoke of how Jesus only did that which He saw the Father doing and that coming out of the wilderness there was only leaning... the wilderness taught leaning....... It was of great comfort to see things that way.......

And this is where I will insert the first "arrow" of sorts..... my friends came to me on the day that Elizabeth would be born to be with me and my family... to help cook and to help with the other kids ..... But instead of being able to just truly receive their love and generosity I walked that day in anxiety and fear.... not of the labor but of not wanting to be a burden... not wanting to take their time... concerned that what if all the labor again dwindled to nothing and they had spent all that time with me in vain..... and then later in the evening when some things began to happen that were making everyone a tad nervous I was truly concerned that I would waste the midwife's time if we called.... I know ... I know that is her job... and she knew what was happening.... but fear and doubt had taken over and I would have rather been alone and try and figure it out then be a burden ....... my knee jerk reaction in panic is to run and isolate......

I get lots of questions about how I walk with God and what I see and hear and experience..... and I can't answer those questions in hyper spiritual terms...... here is the truth... I lean ... I desperately lean... because if I didn't lean I wouldn't be able to walk.... I look daily towards the Father because if I don't see what it is He is doing than I don't necessarily know how to walk ....... Really? really? Yes, really..... there are huge gaps within my heart that when not aware of the Father and His ever completely present reality serve as tripping points where anxiety, loneliness, and fear can and do still reside......

Mary Magdalene is one of the biblical people I most relate to ..... Jesus' comment on coming for the sick and that those that are forgiven much love much are things I rest my head on.... it isn't because of some special calling or special gift or talent that I experience what I do or see or hear what I do... we are all God's children... As a Father it is His utmost desire to commune with His sons and daughters... PERIOD.... not one above another.... there are no favorites...except if to say we are all His favorite....

I guess here is the nuts and bolts of it... I criticize my lack of capacity to function in some areas of life... I look at the way this one thinks or that one manages and I wonder sometimes to myself and sometimes really often what is so wrong with me that I don't function that way most of the time..... and then I come to a place of gratitude (not always but often enough) where I realize that if any gift my past gave me it is the gift of leaning... from the moment of my salvation to the present without leaning I couldn't walk..... in my biggest stumbles it was because I was trying to walk without Him... thinking I could do any number of things alone..... So brokenness both past and present serve me well... they serve me as a reminder to lean... lean desperately.... apart from Him there is no good thing within me or anything else

.... So why do I see and hear and experience Him the way I do... I don't really know except to say that I'm broken.... desperately broken.... and in Him I find shelter in the highest and strongest of towers... and in my utter weaknesses He is strong.... and in His strength I find rest.... I truly know that there is no other place but Him and anything else is a crutch that crumbles under the weight... but not Him... never Him... as I lean He only grows more and stronger... so lean I will over and over and over again.......

Monday, November 22, 2010

it is through our smallest of actions not our grandest experiences that will draw people... it is our lives that speak... so what is our life saying?

They were all around... and I felt more at home in their presence than I had felt anywhere in the last few days..... standing both to my right and to my left they filled the area..... everything in me settled so quickly and I wondered about what the moment was truly about........

Then beyond anything I thought or imagined the clarity of His presence emerged and I was swept into a peace so real and so strong... I drank it in .... and breathed it in and allowed all that was happening to encase me in its reality.....

Within moments like this I come alive in a way that outside of those moments I just don't.... everything in me settles into His presence and as if through other eyes I see and all that is other disappears... This was different though and within all that was happening around me there was a message.....

I don't take for granted moments like these but I do expect them.... I expect them daily if not more frequent... what parent doesn't want to commune with their child and if that is so for the human heart how much more is it for the one who fathers so very perfectly.... and then it was clear.... that is what the moment was about.... that is what was on His heart.... communion .... to be with each other.... to father me and extend His Kingdom presence and authority over me.....

There are times I ache so desperately for the completeness of time .... there are times I just so yearn to not be separated any more with time and space..... there are more times than not that I just look into His eyes and long for the reality that will one day exist within all eternity..... and the pain of this separation at times grows so large that my breath is stolen away and I ache... and today... today I was shown through His presence and the words of a friend that it is His ache too...... that in walking and seeing and yearning for Him we can walk and see and feel that He yearns for us .... that He aches for us and the fullness of time ...... that the greatness of His father's heart is that He longs for His children in such a profound and powerful way....

Someone who I have immense respect for and completely value recently spoke about a concern that in his observations that people within the revelatory ministries end up caring more about ministry and gifting than they do about simply loving people....... the truth of what he spoke sat within the atmosphere and has lingered.... and today within a conversation with another dear friend a hunger in both of us manifested concerning the birthing of a people who could see and hear and know from their God but cared more for love and others than about whatever experience or gift or calling was operating.....

And within all that transpired today... from thoughts about previously spoken truths... to listening to words being spoken by a friend to allowing the Father to share His immense heart and emotions I sit here this evening and am more completely convinced of the fact that the most revelatory thing that anyone can do is to reveal that love that knows no depth, no length, no width, no breadth and to walk daily within that love that takes lives from darkness into the light...... it is through our smallest of actions not our grandest experiences that will draw people... it is our lives that speak... so what is our life saying?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Dark yet lovely and yet you say without spot or blemish

Moments and times when you come and open me are both awesome and terrifying.  You pour in your light and expose that which still resides in my heart that is not of your nature.  You open my heart up to receive from you. 

You look at me and through that gaze I see depths of your compassion and levels of your love  that were previously unknown to me.  A beckoning of trust. A hungry call being sent forth from your heart.... A calling out  to walk forward into a deeper love ..... A deeper trust..... 

You have set the stage for this dive into deeper things.  You have spent the time wooing my injured soul into a place of rest........ Into a place of release.  

How can I look at you and not acknowledge your sweet kindnesses towards me? How can I gaze into those eyes and not get lost there? How can I not allow the understanding  that though there are still shadows of death to walk through that you are the one who journeys with me through those valleys?  

  When other things would encroach upon me I see you rise up before I even cry out.  How can I not acknowledge you as my all? My shelter, my tower, my refuge, my strength........... 

You simply and profoundly are my undoing. And as I journey through weaknesses that scream out as if to humiliate I choose instead to acknowledge that in my weaknesses you are made strong and in your strength I come alive. 

What can I speak but oh my Lord.... I live to love you and I am yours. Dark and lovely. Yet to you without spot or blemish. This waltz of love knows no end and I hunger for the day by the crystal sea when face to face we take our places and dance and dance and dance.  I surrender all from this moment until that moment I surrender all.  

Monday, November 15, 2010

Memory Roads and those yet to come

It has been an interesting day. Running the conference with one arm was a cake walk to caring for the kids with one arm.  At one point in the day mainly out of sheer frustration I took the sling off and did more than I should have and am paying a price for that silliness tonight. 

Oh well.  Lesson learned. I am slowing down. Forced rest. Ok.  

I have been resting tonight and as I have old Vineyard worship songs have played in my head. 

These are some of the lyrics......

You came and opened me
Just like a window pane
You blew right into me

You gave me songs to sing
You gave me dancing feet
You made me come alive

Do You know how I love You so?

You are my summer's day
And sunlight on my skin
Stay here so close to me

Your beauty fills my eyes
So hear me when I say
You're everything to me

  "How I Love You So" 

I love listening to my pastor chat away about the traditions he has come from. They have stirred within me such a gratitude for those things the Lord planted in me during that first season of walking with Him. 

I am .... I am so grateful for the strengths that were birthed into the core of my being.  A passion for worship, a belief of body ministry, a core value for evangelism.  There are aspects of all that I am that were forged by the passions of that movement for which I am very grateful. 

As I journey down those memory roads I remember the days and times spent walking with Jesus in the back woods of a college I attended.  I had been saved by a visitation so seeing him, walking with him, holding his hand, looking into those eyes were all I knew. 

Before there was ministry there was Him.  Before I even knew His name there He was showing Himself faithful because I had asked if He was real. 

Today I have also started to process a major step of stepping back into some of the callings upon my life. I have thought about many roads I have traveled. Mistakes made. Amazing moments. Lessons learned. I don't know at all where the current road leads but I know who leads me down this current road and I'm ready to trust again. 

These steps back are interesting ones and the whispers upon His heart for me tonight undo me to the core of all I am. "I am with you......" nothing else matters. 

Moments past or present or future, traditions of men or personal mistakes all  fade away in the light of the understanding that He is there and the gaze of His eyes burns off all fear.... Because held within that gaze is perfect love and fear knows it has no place when perfect love is present. 

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What is that sound... perhaps it is a barbaric yawp

It takes courage to see ... what's the difference between ones like the spies who screamed we can take the land versus the ones who saw the giants..... what is the difference between people like Rosa Parks and others who just live where they are told...

I don't think it isn't that the fear isn't there.... I think that the dream and the hunger is bigger..... I can't live a metered out existence.... I can't live safe anymore... I would rather be rejected for being me than for being some watered down version that I don't recognize ....... There isn't another who lives the expression that I can or you can..... and the saddest aspect of that is that if it isn't lived to the fullest then that expression is lost....

So I will spend my days attempting with all my heart to live that expression ... and I will put myself out there time and time and time again... and I will become more and more and more of who I was always meant to be...... with intentionality and purpose and determination.... I just can't live any other way...

One of my favorite movies of all times.... Dead Poets Society holds within it some of my most favorite quotes....
Keating: Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular. Even though the heard may go " That's bad." Robert Frost said, " Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference." I want you to find your own walk right now, your own way of striding, pacing: any direction, anything you want. Whether it's proud or silly. Anything. Gentlemen, the courtyard is yours. You don't have to perform. Just make it for yourself. Mr. Dalton, will you be joining us?
Charles: Exercising the right not to walk.
Keating: Thank you, Mr. Dalton. You just illustrated the point.

that is one of my favorite scenes... walk don't walk... run.. jump... linger.... just to be daily what I was created to be in that day is something I hunger for ... I want to silence fear's voice in my head... you see it isn't that I don't hear the doubt I just want to give it room......

Lastly... the quote that stands upon my heart and made me more of the me I am

Keating: A man is not "very tired". He is exhausted. Don't use "very sad." Use, come on Mr. Overstreet, you twerp.
Knox: Morose?
Keating: Exactly. "Morose."
Words are powerful.... use them well.... articulate that which is upon your life and your heart as to inspire ... describe.... take time.... find the best word.....

I enter this day and only long that I will live it honestly before God and man........... honestly being myself through whatever circumstances come my way... and at the end of the day no matter what to have lived and known that true expression that God put into me is worth whatever disappointment, rejection or sadness or joy or delight or hysterical moment that the day did hold.....

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

an addendum

An addendum to yesterday......

If I could ever be more convinced that it is of vital importance to lay one self bare before the Lord it would be within the moments of these last two days.....

For over a week the Father had been wanting me to ask Him for something..... it was as if I could ask Him for anything... it was blanket question.... but I know that the offer in its sincerity was more about getting to my heart.... He is the most masterful of heart surgeons you know.....

He began to show me an area where He wanted to touch... the reason in His heart was there was something between He and I... a fear.... and He is always wanting to and longing to remove any hindrance between Himself and His people... He is jealous like that in His absolute passion for us......

So yesterday .... yesterday... oh my...... ever so glad yesterday is yesterday BUT having said that... yesterday we journeyed together onto roads that needed His touch...... Laying bare my heart before the one who knit it together allowing Him with choices of my will full access into anything He wanted .....

There are moments I am brought to a place of awe struck awareness of the reality of who He is and the day to day reality of His kingdom's existence and reign here on Earth.....

His capacity to love us individually is a powerful thing.... the fact that He knows each of us so intimately and is passionate and affectionate towards us each one of us... is truly outstanding...... He is the most lovely of Fathers and the most dearest of friends...... and He gives the most perfect gifts......

Today I sit in the shadow of the reality of the answer to His beckoning..... not a profound request did I make upon Him but one of the heart....... and the words.... the heart longing weren't allowed to exist outside of me but He answered........

There aren't secrets here with me..... while at times I cringe at the things that He asks me to share... I understand my life is not my own and He won't ask of me needlessly .... so what did I ask.... I asked for a dream.... but you see there is a love language there between He and I and He understands that... and in the moments before awakening He brought the most incredible reassurance of His love through a wood working teacher in a school in a scene in a dream..... hhhhmmmmmmmm ... He is truly brilliant ... and within those moments spent ... upon that scene that was already answering the very thing I had asked..... two individuals walked into the room where I stood with that wood working teacher and they knew my name ....

While the tale of that dream might seem ho hum to you... know that it touched the very deepest parts of my heart... and while one might say if the Father was really beckoning to you to be able to ask for anything why would you ask for something so slight.... and my response would be this .... One thing I have asked of the Lord and that is that I would be known of Him and that I would dwell in the house of my Lord all the days of my life.... and so I asked for the one thing that lives within the deepest desires of my heart daily... and the request wasn't in the air but a moment truly before He answered it in a way that only the most amazing of Father's wouuld.....

Our God is great..... (period)

Monday, November 8, 2010

Truth hurts and yet in the revealing of hearts lives are changed

And again I am being undone.... In a gesture that has taken my breath away the Father brought me to my knees..... deep calls unto deep and the only longing I yearn to have is to walk with Him and please Him as a daughter... and even in writing that statement I get that I don't get it all the time... ok... I still don't get it (period)... I want to qualify and quantify and say that I have moved forward and know Him more and trust Him further and yet He has truly brought me to my knees and unsettled everything about me........

Now the one difference is is that I do actually have a deeper faith and understanding of the fact that He wouldn't lead me here if He wasn't going to continue the journey and so as uncomfortable as it seems I do trust Him deeper than I have in the past... phew.... but my eyes have been made open and my heart laid to bare............ and this is where I come to you from this morning......

Forgive if in this place this piece goes off.... I am so undone and so moved by that which he has spoken to me this morning that I can't find my way .......

It has come to this...... "Do you trust me to be good?" Was His question..... Do I trust Him to be good? But of course was the answer that leaped out of my mouth even while I felt my heart dropping..... Then He spoke again..." No, you now know me to be good..... But do you trust me to be good?" Honestly terror filled my heart..... I wanted to say yes ........ but my goodness ....in the light of His presence the understanding of where He was going had my nerves on edge... Father, don't touch this ...... I know you are good..... my thoughts were racing..... "Yes, child.. But do you trust me to be good... You are afraid to ask me things...... You are concerned for disappointment.... too concerned ... that now in your knowledge of my goodness and in your awakening to my love and affections you have wanted to settle there instead of facing all the giants in the land." And I just sat with my heart in my throat as tears streamed down my face and anxiety filled me.....

I knew what He was pointing His finger at was all too real and yet I don't know how to navigate my way through the bundle of nerves He was touching...... Trusting His nature and His character have become second nature to me as the air I breath.... so I trust that amidst whatever would come my way His goodness would prevail BUT that is a different thing (in His heart this morning) then what He was getting at..... and what He was getting at is that I don't truly expect Him to be good in my circumstances.... and He reminded me of the fact that we who are evil want to give good things to our children how much does He want to do so.......

He was getting at the fact that I am recently stunned and in awe of things He is doing... that He really is doing them... and what He touched was that as much as I relish in the moments of these things in the back of my heart I am waiting for them to disappear as smoke and become vapor.......

Truth hurts and yet in the revealing of hearts lives are changed.... I have promised the Lord in the season once again I would not hold back..... and He is making good on my promise.....

So in this morning where I am surrounded by the goodness of a Father who hungers for whole hearts and not partial relationships I yearn for His ways ...... He overwrites lies we have believed with His glorious truths ... and He woos us deeply into Himself to become more like Him.....

Hungering to say not my will but Yours and yet this morning I am more in tune with Peter on the beach saying I like You Lord to the Lord's I love you completely...... Oh Father.... You know... You know all things.... walk me further in .....

Sunday, November 7, 2010

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

Within the afternoon I kept feeling wooed into the story of The Velveteen Rabbit...... and one of my favorite lines danced in my head...

" The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him."

And as I thought through the story and the other lines that I love I crossed paths with the Father's intentions for the reminder ....

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

It has been the powerful love of the Father that has born down upon my life in the most beautifully tangible ways that have brought me to a place where He has empowered me to walk into who He always intentioned for me to be.....

"He longed to become real, to know what it felt like..." that statement sums up so much of the journey of my heart.... a longing so deep ... so seemingly far away....

Today the whispers on the wind were accompanied by the loving glances of a Father whose affections have birthed this "real" into my life....... One thing I have felt so deeply upon me is to be myself without apologies..... to stop hiding behind anything that would not be authentically who I am but to live fully forward without reservation or apology......

"He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him."

Isn't that the case... and I smile as I think upon the truths of that statement....... a friend so incredibly shared her heart with me recently when she spoke of things from my past that when she thinks upon them they make her sad and yet she knows that who I am today wouldn't exist without them..... Ah the beauty of the gospels.... He truly does use all things.....

And that is where I have felt led to walk in this evening's hours....

I don't take where I walk today for granted ......... valleys of death's shadow had so filled days gone by that now that I get to walk in the light of the dawning of the new day amazes me.... and I realize the delight of being real..... have I wished that I could have become it without all these things having happened to me... but of course but having walked those roads and now walking upon these road of becoming more and more real... I wouldn't change anything... not one thing.....

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Outliers and 10,000 hours

I am not an inherently quiet person and lacking introvert tendencies I am refreshed and energized by being together with people….. yet today … today I stole away.. not by myself mind you so when a mom of six says that she stole away it probably looks quite a bit different then most would think….. However I have had breaks without any children that weren’t as refreshing as today…..

Besides a quick trip to a school because one missed the bus I have stayed inside… turned off the phone (for the most part… ;) had some scheduled phone calls that were a must but other than those didn’t attempt contact outside of our home), turned off face book, turned off the computer (until two minutes ago) turned off and away and was home….

Today I have stepped back and while doing things that needed to be done I entered into a quiet place…… Brother Lawrence is such a “hero” of mine… washing dishes yet standing mightily in the presence of God….. my personal copy of “the practice of the presence of God” is so tattered and torn and in much need of tape but I leave it on my desk as a reminder of what is important… in its tattered and torn condition…. But the presence of God I am tattered and torn….. But His surrounding me I am nothing… reduced to less than nothing….. and there are moments that are just good to be reminded that without Him … well, Ecclesiastes puts it best… It is meaningless…..

Today was a good reminder of the essentials… of what makes me me and what I want to focus my life on……
A while back Jim and I started to read a book entitled Outliers… one of the key premises of the book is to master a skill or talent it takes about 10,000 hours….. when we started reading this book I was thinking about lots of things I could potentially do as my kids were getting older … Gregory was going to be entering preschool and Elizabeth would start next year and I was thinking about what my passions were and what I would want to do….. prior to reading the book I was heading down a specific path … as we read the book I started to think more and more…. Beyond thinking about it I entered into a season of prayer…. And what came out of my heart was that it wasn’t about a specific skill or talent …. I wanted to devote that time to knowing God….. not asking God for things… not letting Him know me…. but Knowing Him….

And I completely understand that there are obviously those that walk every avenue of life and know God… but in those moments I realized that I just wanted to sit at His feet …. I wanted to know Him and what He is like more than anything I could think of or imagine……

Hundreds of hours into this purposeful and intentional seeking out of His nature and His being and His character my life is utterly being changed….. and today was a such a good day to just remember my dreams and think upon 10,000 hours being spent getting to know Him…. And then I thought upon the last stanza of Amazing Grace :

When we've been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we'd first begun.

10,000 hours… 10,000 years….. The presence of God will stand throughout time and eternity… what better task to put before myself than to spend these 10,000 hours upon Him……

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

May my words be seasoned with life..... and my opinions turned to dust

There is so much I wish I knew how to express... so much I wish I understood... so much that leaves me hungering for wisdom and understanding..... moments that out of the blue come across and affect my world and where I walk.... and I'm left feeling a vulnerability I would rather not feel... but even as the residual emotions course through me... I am left to acknowledge the lesson

There is a power in our words towards each other... a power to bless... a power to curse.... we don't have to be face to face .... why does the Word speak so about our mouths and our tongues..... we speak life and death and out of the same mouth that praises the Most Holy One comes opinions and thoughts that are not of the Father's heart....

I have a friend who takes this very seriously and I have truly wondered at times if the line is too tight and that we should have freedom to speak and to express.... I talk things out that is how I process and in doing so I don't always check every emotion or opinion expressed.....

I have been rattled tonight for I have felt the words of another and then in discussion found them to have been truly stated.... a new found depth of the fear of the Lord rests upon me for there has been brought to bare a very personal experience upon my soul that has left a huge question mark ..... again I have no answers but many many questions.....

Beyond questions though I have been pushed towards quietness and the idea of letting my words be few and not idle weighs upon my heart.... understanding so slightly the love and grace of God I know that this lesson's strength is for a purpose and there is grace to navigate these waters... but once again I am stunned by the truth of the realities of the Kingdom and how they are really as they are.... while there is grace I do believe to reflect and discuss there must be wisdom when in reference to another of how we speak.... we must search out the fact that if we speak.. we speak of one whom the Father adores and for whom Christ died and our words must be seasoned with grace and wisdom and humility....

My friends our words are so powerful ..... for someone who loves words and loves expression a solemn weight sits upon me this evening and I sit and let it bare down and plant its seeds so that it's fruit will be brought forth ......................

The stars never apologize for brilliantly lighting up the night

Worship from days past fill my head... from songs sung upon days of newly finding Christ to seasons spent within incredible worship communities.... times and hours spent worshipping within families and among those I love that only fill my heart with wonderment about what it will be like to stand before Him and lift up our voices as one......

There are moments that have danced within my head this morning with the most cherished of memories.... notes and lyrics that have reformed my very being as they have been sung and lingered in the air..... People and friends with whom I have stood and added my voice to theirs and worshipped together... those days and nights and times have washed over me this morning ...

And in my thoughts of all these times I have wondered simply why... as beautiful as these moments and memories are was there something more....

and as He does...

down a trail we walked and holding my hand and looking down upon me ... causing my gaze to lift up and meet His eyes He drew me to His side and His words cascaded down me like the most gentle of waterfalls..... and yet the roar and strength of the words have left me staggering to catch myself... so grateful for your arm which always catches me....

But even in that moment the action left wisdom upon my soul..... For it is within those moments when I come to worship Him that I am the most of who I am.... I run towards Him and unguarded and unprotected ... abandon myself to all that He is..... I don't attempt to catch myself or watch my words... I don't play any part or attend any role... I lay bare my soul and care less about the surroundings... In those moments I taste and see a goodness and a presence that brings forth within me the essences of all He created me to be... and I have realized and am beginning to grasp that it is who I am in those moments that He longs for me to carry forth at all times......

"The stars in the sky bow to You. The flowers of the field dance to Your song. I am not ashamed to lift up my voice, I am not ashamed. I run to the edge of Your love, close my eyes, fall in to You. As I rest in Your arms I know I'm free, I know I'm free. "(Josh Young)

I remember services singing this song... and this morning the lyrics have echoed in my head... and the knowledge of freedom has coursed throughout my being and captured my attentions and I heed a Father's instructions....

The stars never apologize for brilliantly lighting up the night and the flowers never refrain from offering up their beauty.... I repent and apologize for moments when I have failed to do so.... when conscious of the quirks of my personality I think twice before offering up an encouraging word or sharing that which rests upon my heart.....it is those times when concern for the thoughts of men hinder the expression of who I am and outweigh the desire to live as He would have me live... But I jump and leap and enter into a place where I acknowledge my life is not my own and though I might want to meter out my affections I would rather trust a Father who absolutely knows what He is doing when He asks of me to live unfettered from the opinions and accolades and detractions of man..... And "as I rest in Your arms I know I'm free... I know I'm free..."

Monday, November 1, 2010

good... and evil... and life......

Passion and transparency push me forward and while I have been struggling in my mind about this blog post it has certainly drawn me into the heart of the Father and I have learned new things… which is always a very good thing….. ok so I’ll stop stalling… and just jump right in ..

Ok… jumping in not always as easy as I think….. deep breath… close eyes…. Music Mims… find the music…. Fingers to keyboard … and enter

I think what is making this hard and what has made this hard for the past few days is that there are things that I would rather never speak of and things I would rather never dwell on …. But I guess to get me and where I come from there are things that are upon the Father’s heart that I share…… so with caution and wisdom I walk into this…. Because I feel His longing to do so….

It is the Father’s most marvelous intention that all we were to ever know was His passion for us … His incredible love for us… Even the knowledge of what is good wasn’t supposed to be ours… and certainly we weren’t created for evil…. But the knowledge of both good and evil entered into this creation and have made their way into our lives……

The knowledge of good and evil while supposedly miles apart did come forth from the same tree…. They find their origin within the same roots and upon the same branches… I am not a theologian by any means but I have been hearing the Father’s heart upon these issues and feeling His push to share… please know that this does not come easy for me to write or share but I am interested in the heart of the one who loves me so well and leads me down paths like this one… I know I will learn from Him and I know that I must trust Him….. so I journey down this road and am willing to hear what I feel His heart has to say….

There is a life upon this earth that is possible for all to walk in…. the heart of our Creator beacons us to enter into it…… life… focus…. Him…. Life … abundant life…..

I have been given so much grace into my life and been empowered to overcome so much that is just plainly dark and incredibly evil…. I’m only so intensely glad that I don’t walk within those shadows anymore but because of them when the Father makes a correlation as He has been doing within my heart these days I stagger to find out that which He is saying …….

I feel Him whispering about the trees that were in the garden… I hear His longing for Life… for Life to be what His children walk in and I am trying to ascertain the depths of what He wants me to know…. I get startled for when He speaks to me of evil and the depravity of man and how there is a similarity in the spirit to that and that which we would call good… I honestly get shaken.. I do… Evil for me is not some blanket concept or some vague notion….. There are very clear pictures in my head….

So when the Father leads my thoughts to places that those things that are good… that we would call good steal from me in no different way then things that are evil… I am struck and stunned and shaken……..

I know He knows me… better than I know myself and so I know that He wouldn’t haphazardly make that correlation if He didn’t want me to understand that which He was saying and the importance of it…… good brings forth death just as does evil....

I get when the Father says I want to woo you now away from the good and into life…… are things that are good the same as the things that are evil…. I couldn’t tell you on the scales of how the Father sees it… but while evil might destroy … good distracts…. While evil might cause a depth of harm that good does not … good pacifies the senses and leaves one dulled….. and so that which we call the knowledge of good and that which we would call the knowledge of evil have within them the same fruit in our lives…..a variation of a life that is not abundant and that isn’t the life we are called to.... a fruit more of spiritual death than of life

While this blog post might be the sketchiest one and while the tendency in my heart right now is to delete it and attempt to rewrite it… and while I might attempt a rewrite… there is something we need to get here ..

The Father has done what He has done so that we will not just be rescued from the evil but that we can choose to step away from that which is good and move towards life… I don’t pretend to know what that would mean for anyone.. I don’t even pretend to understand it completely for my life… But I know His wooing and I know there is a place where knowledge whether of good or of evil does not touch… and that place is a place of life….. and an abundant one at that…. So walk this road I will… asking for the Lord to not just deliver me from evil but to deliver me from good and bring me further into the life He offers…. Further away from even the good that would distract .... further away from good things that would try to take my affections and tie them to this world and then keep me from the life I was intended to walk within.....