When the day has enough of its own....

I seem to be getting simpler and simpler in my faith....

I feel like Zuzu, from it's a wonderful life, holding out a flower and asking her father to fix it....

When it isn't a flower but a complicated line of events what does one do?

When what needs to be fixed isn't a flower, when what needs to be fixed is ever more complicated?

I sat upon my youngest children's floor this afternoon, cleaning and sorting through their toys as tears streamed down my face... as the prayers of "fix it," were silently prayed....

I love the Father...

He has been only good to me...

Who He is is immense and passionate and beautiful and tender and kind...

I love the Father...

I love being His daughter..

I love how He restored the term, "daughter," for me...

I love that in moments when He hears my unspoken prayers that He "fixes" things, even when I can not see.. even when they aren't "fixed" to my liking...

I love the Father for even when all else fails, He never does...

I sat in the middle of the floor today, fingered some of the plastic toys and allowed myself to crumble into Him....  sorrow had overtaken my soul and shook my body... the list of the last years of events, the list of the current ones, , the hunger for Him, the hunger for the reality of the true expression of the Kingdom of God...  It all swirled...  I sat in the middle of the floor today and pleaded for Heaven to touch earth....  His presence.. His ways.. His heart beat...

I love the Father...

I love that He is...

I love that in an ever changing world, He will always be the same...

I love His consistency..

I love that He has instructed me in the ways in which I should go.. I love that He knows all things, I love that He knows me...

I sat today trying to find ground to stand upon, trying to find air to breath....

I'd love to say that something magnificent happened and that I was swept away from a place of loss and grief.... there was no “ah ha” moment....

There was a cry for Him to “fix” the many “its” … There was a phone call with a friend... There were a lot of tears... there was a lot of confusion.. there was a lot of fear...

And tonight there is quiet... tonight there is tired...

Today I prayed a prayer I have learned to pray... it is simple and it is what has sustained me.. “Today.. now, this minute...” a remembrance of Jesus' words that tomorrow has enough worries of its own... The only place I can stand is upon Him, in His hand.. and the only air I can breath is Him.. He is has become everything.. the One who knows my heart even better than I … The One who has carried me in His heart before the creation of the world... Today I poured out my heart to One who I can not see but who I know sees me.... and today had enough of its own....

His goodness

His faithfulness

His kindness...

The Same Coin.. Two Sides...

The journey is two fold....

I love what I have been reading.. truth coming forth from tried and true leaders who are catching the heart beat of our God and Father. The time for “marque players” or “celebrity” is truly coming to an end.

The hunger and desire in the people, the groaning of creation, the passion of the Father are just the perfect foundation being formed for the emergence of an authentic expression of Christ upon the earth and within the church.

It is a transformation of leadership. An awakening to the servant heart nature of Christ. A birthing of fathers and mothers.

The current systems have left an exhaustion in the Body and in the atmosphere.

A disillusionment in culture.

I hear over and over again the words of the people of Christ's own time, in regards to Him...that He was not like their own scribes but spoke as one who has authority.... That is a true hunger reverberating within the people. People want to feel like their leaders care about them personally. That there isn't just a “front door/back door” mentality that I came to age in ministry under. That each one matters, and that the hand truly can't say to the foot that they aren't needed... We are all needed.. Every last one...

Having said these things there is a flip side of this coin....

To the people:

there is a stirring towards the traditional Christian spiritual disciplines. There is a moving away from 45 minutes of church on a Sunday with no other personal searching out and a bewilderment that you are being tossed to and fro....

A people who just don't feed off of the experiences of others, and allow the “moses” to go into the deep darknesses of the Lord all the while playing it safe, themselves.... A people who sense the calling into the narrow path.. a people who walk a spirit filled life and hunger for maturity and practice discernment – that is the people coming forward....

Listen to the hunger deep within... step into it... the promise that those who hunger and thirst for righteousness will be made full....

There is transformation going on these days... in leadership and in ministries and in people.. in all of us... There is a groaning, a hunger, a desperation, a passion, a need to see Christ and to lift up His name and His name allow...

The same coin .. two sides...

Transformation.. formation... truth and spirit swirling and dancing together.....   

Father, Into Your hands

Father, into Your hands....

The psalmist prayed it...

Jesus prayed it...

Tonight and for all days forward it becomes my prayer...

Father, Abba.... Father.. Into Your hands I commit..... the prayer continues my spirit.... my cry is my everything...

Into your hands I commit....

All that is precious to me...

All that I love

All that I would want to cling to

All I am afraid to leave there in those most magnificent hands...

ALL....

Father.. tonight.. tomorrow and for every day that I have breathe... Into those hands.. Into YOUR hands I commit EVERYTHING...

My soul aches … I hunger for your presence... Only one thing that I ask and that is that which seek to dwell in YOUR house all the days of my life... That I reside within the palm of your hands and nothing can pluck me from that place .. upon those truths I rest... within that truth I reside...

Into your hands I commit my affections, my sorrows, my fears, my defeats, my victories, my pleasures, my gains, my losses, my loved ones, my enemies, past, present, future.. Into those hands I commit all

Seeing beyond what is seen..... Learning New Lessons as to What it Means to SEE

From the airport where my attentions were drawn to every little thing; the woman sitting across from me, the snow boarders, the kids, the comments, the announcements.. the trillion things that could be seen and experienced...

I learned in those moments how much I actually tune out.  So many things I don't see.  So many things I don't hear.  So many things I don't experience.  Selective processing....

To then upon another day reading a comment someone made on Facebook about the restoration of people gently... the thought of considering oneself and ones own actions and being kind in the restoration process... The word KINDNESS... the word RESTORATION....  so much cluttered my heart and my mind as I read the post... as I pondered upon that scripture... as I thought about Christ.. as I thought about me....

To days of sitting quietly and not thinking there was much sound....  

But learning to listen with my heart to all that is unspoken...

Learning to see with my eyes the things that no one really wants to see...

For so many years now the concept of “Awoken and Seen” has been upon my heart... I've written about what it has felt like to awaken into life, overcome mental illness, compel myself to be seen and heard, to not shrink back amidst failure but to talk about it....

I am the girl who invites strangers to a book study to talk about topics such as shame, fear and vulnerability.... I am the girl that will try and write about almost anything... I am the girl who tries to walk speaking what's upon my heart and my mind. I am the one who is trying to learn to understand what does it mean to be seen and to see... what does it mean to show up every day and live that day... what does it mean?

What does it look like to live valiantly?

(“Be alert and stand in the faith; be valiant; be strong.” 1 Corinthians 16:13)

What if those days are your last days?

What if those days are your first days? In a new location.. at a new job... with new people?

Do I show up?

Or does a version of me show up?

What does it mean for me to show up? Day after day to show up, heart on the line, fully engaged....

What does it look like to face failure after failure and still pick oneself up at the end of the day, or the middle of the day, or heck the beginning of the day and say, “let's try again”?

Each moment it might look really different... But the place I keep coming back to is full of those three words, “AWOKEN AND SEEN”...............

I will awake each day....

I will try to live awake each moment

I will awaken to the fact that I want to shrink back and play it safe, and in some moments I DO need to retreat.. regroup... but I will awaken to the fact that I most reengage...

I must find the wholehearted path throughout the day.... allowing myself moments to pause but finding the courage to show up after those moments....

I must see... I must really look.. look and see the people around me.. look and see the things that we all DON'T want to see... I must acknowledge that in any given day there are lots of things that are seemingly better off not seen.. but I have realized that if I will see, if I will look.. if I will see despair, loneliness, fear, hopelessness then I will also see power, strength, courage and truth...

If I will arise, awaken and see death then I will also see life....

If I will show up and see the things that aren't pleasant then I will also see courage emerge... If I don't shrink back but arrive with grace and mercy and a mind set upon Christ..

I will see wonders unimaginable...

How the image and reality of God is translated upon humanity amidst those moments none of us desire is an immense gift to be embraced.

To be invited to participate in the micro moments and the daily opportunities to SEE and AWAKEN to the greatness of our God is a beautiful transforming adventure...

I may not know much.. but this I am learning all the more.. Being Awoken.. Being Seen.. awaking and seeing others, and allowing others to see the awoken me is the challenge and journey of my life....

The Lord Is My Shepherd

The Lord is my Shepherd....

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd,

I [a]shall not want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside [b]quiet waters.

3 He restores my soul;

He guides me in the [c]paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk through the [d]valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no [e]evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You [f]have anointed my head with oil;

My cup overflows.

6 [g]Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will [h]dwell in the house of the Lord [i]forever.

I  awoke with a start...

Thinking of my aunt

Thinking of when Gideon was so sick

Calling to mind the lessons learned ... Circumstance and event don't get to dictate the wellness of my soul ...  They don't get to tell me what reality is...  This world ... These times will never ever trump the reality of The Lord. His goodness and faithfulness endure regardless of what the day hands off to me...

I awoke with temptation to be afraid... And yet I began to call to mind the loving kindness of our God. His mercies never fail and great is His faithfulness... I began to call to mind that He is MY shepherd. IE  He is the one who leads me, no one else, nothing else, not me and not anything upon this earth.. He leads me ... He is my shepherd and I will not want and I do not ever have to fear.. His perfect love casts all fear aside...

His gaze locks me in... His heart captivates me to lean upon Him... Strength not born forth from me begins to saturate every fiber of my being and I am being led..

His kindness... Oh my, His sheer kindness ... The immensity of it... The beauty of it... The strength of it... It realigns my thoughts and my emotions and glues me to His side...

His beauty... That He is intimately aware of all sufferings... That He magnificently made the way through all dark valleys ... Through (that's the word)

He is my shepherd.. His character and nature declare to me His hand is the hand that will assist me through every terrain...

21 This I recall to my mind,

Therefore I have hope.

22 The Lord’s lovingkindnesses [a]indeed never cease,

For His compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

“Therefore I have hope in Him.”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,

To the [b]person who seeks Him.

26 It is good that he waits silently

For the salvation of the Lord.

Lamentations 3

The Lord is my portion therefore I have hope...

My hope is fixed upon Him and His permanence ...  Even when I falter He doesn't.. It is for me to call to mind... It is for Him to restore my soul ...  In rest, I find not passivity, but trust into depths unimaginable to me before...

His assurance

His magnificence

His loving kindness 

His permanence 

And then I awake to the truest comfort... He has no shadow of changing.. Though all else will fail He ensures through all the ages and I can breathe because He is

Simply and profoundly He is....

My Lord

My God

My King

My shepherd …

What remains....

When the pace of life takes a turn and makes slow motion look like 100 mph, what is one left with? When everything comes to a near stand still what is there left to do?

And these three remain...

Faith

Hope

Love...

When the terrain becomes so foreign all one is left with is to close eyes and open heart and lean... Lean with all that is within...

Lean with everything one has...

It becomes the cry that looks in only one direction... Upward...

Abba!!!! 

Abba, Father....

That's the call.. Those are the words uttered...

Abba

And 

Breath..

Trust 

And 

Breath

Grace

And 

Breath

Cling

Breath

Lean

And breath...

The quietest and most immense strength birthed forth from sheer weakness...

When the end of self meets up with an ever lasting, never ending reservoir ...

The firm reality of His goodness, the immense tangibility of His faithfulness ...

There in lies the place of such rich discovery...

Cocooned away from that which the enemy wants to shout and the world puts straight in my face...

The whispers of Heaven invade and declare the quiet, firm and everlasting truth... The immense reality of His affection that stands firm eternally against any temporal shout or temporary demonic worldly victory...

Oh death where is your victory?

Oh grave where is your sting?

When all time and all moments seemingly come to a stand still and all feels as if every second, every breath is a life time...  I learn that a 1000 years is like a day and a day is like a 1000 years...

In moments when the realities of Heaven seem so far away and the taunting of this world screech their harsh and hurtful sounds and pull their brutal and relentless punches,

I go to my knees and bow my head  and surrender my heart to Him...

When the storms rage I ask Him to command them to be still... When the storms don't get quieted in the way I would like, then I ask Him to grant me sleep in the bow...

He most certainly is the most excellent of ways...

When the dream becomes clearer.....

I've been on this journey.  This crisis, not of faith but of expression.  I have wept and yelled and numbed and walked away from the thought processing.  I have laughed and remembered and cringed and smiled to myself and again remembered...  Friends forged, lost, regained...  Opportunities that taught and branded upon me both that which I hunger to do and that which I have learned not to do.  For the experiences of these past 21 years I have become very grateful.....

However it feels like there is a parenthesis being put around them.

It feelings like the period has been placed as had the end parenthesis).........................................

So what then... So what now

When the heart is appreciative for the experiences; good, bad and ugly, yet the feet can no longer walk the path they have known.

Once again to be very clear. NOT a crisis of belief.  I actually believe more in Christ today than I ever have... Stand more in awe of Him these moments then I ever did..... but acknowledge that the expression of Him upon the earth.. what is that to look like?

There is nothing to grasp....  There is nothing to lay a hold of tangibly and say this is how we are now going to walk.  There is NO big 5 step revelation plan that launches the churches and Christians of today into fullness.....

I like structure.  I like predictability.  I like having the illusion that I am in control.  I like those comforts.  I love being comfortable.  I love the security that I can allow myself to pretend is there.

Except it is a huge mirage.  It is the emperor with NO new clothes, it is the wizard of oz being found out behind the curtain... It is all that....

Not Christianity.  Not Christ.. There is no mirage there... He is who He is and who He was and who He will ALWAYS be....  We've changed... although not really for even it is said.. He knows how we are made... He knows we are but dust...

So again...  period... end cap parenthesis )   So then what now?!?!

The answer is as plain as it is profound... For the most part I don't know.  I am really trying to get more and more alright with the fact that that is indeed the answer.

What I do know is this:

Leaning not on my own understanding but in ALL (as much as I can) my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my path...

I do not through His grace want to be a tower builder (remember Babel's )  and I don't want to build houses for vanity...

I know with everything that is with in me there is silence and rest and waiting to be had...

More than anything the dream becomes clearer and clearer when I think upon His presence... realizing it can't be treated haphazardly.. remember Uzzah.  His presence is the answer and the keys are unity and rest and quietness and trust....

He is who He says He is.. may our actions reverberate with that reality... May we be a people who can trust and rest on the Sabbath.. on the Jubilee year... May we be the people that trusts for the daily manna and believes that tomorrow's will be present....

There is a most glorious invitation to behold Him and trust Him and rest in Him and acknowledge that He is able... we have exhausted ourselves running with the horses and the chariots and now, now it is for us to come to Him and He will give us rest and show us how it is done.. He is parting the waters and making a way....

His beautiful presence goes before us and protects us from behind...

The future.. I do not know what it is going to look like... But step by step He does indeed lead.... and leaning and trusting  actually become the most amazing of postures....

You want to see the phenomena of Heaven.. READ ON! Guaranteed... YOU WILL SEE!

I was in Genesis a couple of days ago and it was the story of Hagar that most attracted my attention.

Today in the Devotional that Stir The Water does Monday mornings, I put up the optical illusion of the old woman and the young woman.

The question is as always, What do you see?

So many times when people in my sphere of expression talk about the spiritual senses the temptation is to go thoroughly ethereal. I can no longer just do that. Sure is it exciting to talk about seeing into the unseen reality? Absolutely!

Do we get as excited to see, I mean really see, one another? If we each are an expression of the image of our God, than isn't it a marvelous and stunning opportunity that we get to see each other daily and interact with an expression of the image of God on a moment to moment basis.

Or are we products of our culture and we just want to be titillated and intrigued by the mysterious spiritual unseen realities. Do we just want to be entertained or captivated so much so that we put our senses in overdrive even in the spirit. “Entertain me,” we say, to any would be prophet, and the would be prophet takes the bait for their so-called “15 minutes of fame.”

I walk in the spheres of the seers. I have momentary and not so momentary expressions and experiences of the kingdom of Heaven and the reality of the Lord upon the earth, or within the spirit. Just as powerful, is that I am growing in learning how to see others and allow myself to be seen, both by God and man. Just as powerful can I see the smile on my daughters face and delight in her joy. See in her joy the joy of our God!

Do we have eyes to see? Do we want to see what our Father sees?

A first step is to open our eyes to that which is around us already!

What do we take for granted?

What AREN'T we seeing? What aren't we seeing that is upon the Father's heart that we see.

When the demons submitted to 72,and the 72 came back to report to Jesus... the 72  were told to rather rejoice that their names were written in the Lamb's book of life. You want to see? You want to see the lights, and angels and phenomena of Heaven?

Right now! I mean it .. TODAY! Look to your left and look to your right... That is the most prized phenomena of Heaven that you could ever see! Look into the mirror! YOU! You are the most prized Heavenly phenomena that can be seen....

Read the stories of Hagar.

A foreigner, in a foreign land... not wanted. Despised. What does she experience?

Her confession becomes in Genesis 16:13, “You are the God who see.” Do you need to know that reality today? Then a beautiful moment between her and the Lord happens further into her life after Isaac is born and she is fully sent away. Are you experiencing rejection? Are you struggling thinking that you or your offspring have reached the end of life? Are you feeling forsaken?

You need your eyes open to whatever wells of water the Lord has for you! Because there are those wells....

In Genesis 21:15-19, we read how the water was gone from the wine skin and Hagar thought that she and Ishmael were going to die. Verse 19 starts, “Then God opened her eyes...” Do you need the Lord to open your eyes to what provision is before you? Provision for friendship, provision for life, provision from Him!

The power of having people in our lives that truly see us is immense.

Let us in our hunger to have eyes to see not just look upward towards the heavens but horizontally and have eyes and hearts of courage and compassion...

Uneducated and Broke

There's this story, you know it well.  

But what I want you to do, this morning,  is consider this story for the perspective of the beggar.

Being brought to the temple, one who begs alms from those going in and coming out.  Unable to move or take care of yourself all that well.  Relying on the generosity of others.  People come in and out all day.  

Two men approach.  Now because we know the story, we know this about these men.  They were uneducated.  What the beggar quickly understands is that they were both uneducated and had no silver and gold.

If I was the beggar I would be thinking, 'keep going gentleman, keep going.. the educated will be here soon, as well as those who do have some coins to help me out with. You, you I have no need for..."  

Except the beggar's life was about to be utterly transformed.. 

 When he saw Peter and John about to go into the temple, he began asking to receive alms. But Peter, along with John, fixed his gaze on him and said, “Look at us!” And he began to give them his attention, expecting to receive something from them. But Peter said, “I do not possess silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you: In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene—walk!” And seizing him by the right hand, he raised him up; and immediately his feet and his ankles were strengthened. With a leap he stood upright and began to walk; and he entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God. And all the people saw him walking and praising God; and they were taking note of him as being the one who used to sit at the Beautiful Gate of the temple to beg alms, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him.

I got away for a couple days after New Years.  I entered into a place of solitude and silence.  There are many things stirring in my heart. I needed to seek the Lord. I needed to quiet my soul.

I have much I desire to talk about. Much I desire to seek out and pursue.

What have I put my hope in? What have I put my trust in?

I want to try to write a better blog. So I go and read others and try to see what is “trending.” I educate myself. The funny thing that happened to me was the more I did that the less I wrote. Writing became laborious to me. I lost all joy. Trying to figure out.. well, I am a mom.. (Of 6 kids no less) I could write about that, I am a wife, and a minister. I have dramatic components to my life story I can write about those times and what the Lord has done. But the more I contemplated what my niche per se was, the less I wrote. My heart felt heavy and my mind felt dull.

I feel like the Lord has been highlighting many things to me...

I feel like He has equated so much of the modern day industry of christianity to the frenzied nature of the 450 prophets of baal. So much activity.. so much frantic and manic “works” being done in the name of this and that man... So much intermingling and trust with the constructs and concepts of the world and SO MUCH EXHAUSTION....

I feel like I have really heard from the Lord and seen the challenge that when He isn't doing something do we have the courage to be still and know Him as God? Or do we immediately fill in with our powerful light and smoke shows and a flurry of sudo-godly activity. When the Lord is silent do we have it in us to not speak? Or do we fill the air ways with noise?

Back to the story of the beggar. Back to the story of not knowing what to write any more.

As I contemplated the reality of Peter and John and the beggar. As I thought about the uneducated and broke men, I realized they had what they had and they trusted in that.

It is said of the Lord, Psalm 65:5 “You who are the trust of all the ends of the earth, and of the farthest sea.”

The reality of who the Lord is... DO I BELIEVE?

Or have I trusted more in the proverbial chariots and horses?

So in this season, in the new year of 2014, I quiet myself and I remain still. I am personally uneducated and relatively broke. But this I have … In the name of Jesus I arise and walk....

I'm not as poetic or articulate as some. I have not any connections or relations truly to speak of... But again.. while I have not (and that list can seem endless at times) … I do have this.. In the name of Jesus I arise and walk …..

I have said quite frequently lately.. My crisis has not been a crisis of faith.. IT IS a CRISIS of EXPRESSION. I can no longer buy into the charismatic or culturally current trends of the expression of the religion of churchianity.

I must seek and wait and pause and settle myself and learn to trust and believe that if I believe in God and then He will direct my paths.

I know of what I speak of I have spent over two decades in some form of ministry. And while I know NOT of what it is to look like moving forward, I know this.... There is a moving forward. There is an expression of the Kingdom that is authentic and powerful and true.... God will not be mocked and He has dispersed tower building before...

I no longer want to work in vain or in my own strength...

What does that truly look like? I wonder.... But for now I continue being still and looking to know Him as God. For now I remain still and silent.

Today I stand uneducated and broke... but what I have I do give to you.. Freely... In the name of Jesus Christ walk.. YOU .. Walk... arise and live today.. live today boldly and confidently and with courage.... I am going to walk forward today.. I am going to go walking and leaping and knowing....

What will it look like? I know not... but in His name I am excited to find out...