Sunday, December 23, 2012

A life in transition...The realization of Dreams often look very different then we expect...

Last year this time we told our very good friends in Virginia that we felt that we would be moving up there when our oldest son graduated high school... We asked for prayer and we walked forward...  In March we would tell our friends in the Charlotte area the decision that was changing the direction of our lives however  at that time it was still quite far in the future.... or so it seemed....

A life in transition has been lived since... 

Today we partook in a family tradition of ours that has us making Gingerbread houses and stacking children on top of one another and taking pictures and laughing and yelling and crying and screaming and all the "fun" of 6 children and 2 adults plus company and family celebrating this almost decade long ceremony of sorts....  I can go back and see when it was three children on a stack and move through the years until this one...

Transitioning from season to season to season...

On Monday I stood upon a property that has stolen my heart and where I dream of the future and today I stood in a place of offering communion as an Elder's wife to a church of people who are a people from the future... What?  Oh it is one of the most beautiful church vision/mission statements I have ever read... It is called the Renovatus Manifesto...  and the part I refer to is this:

  "We are people from the future. We act in fearless conviction that the rules have changed and that we are partnering with God to make that change visible. We will not be reactionary to anything or anyone, because the apocalyptic event of resurrection has already transformed the world. (Matthew 27.45-54)"  

  (To read the complete version of it you can go to :  http://pastorjonathanmartin.com/uncategorized/the-renovatus-manifesto/)

One foot upon a mountain in Virginia and one foot within a community in Charlotte....

Transitioning from season to season and place to place...

Tonight whether it has been looking at photos of my now almost 18 year old and seeing the face of him at 5.. or looking at a front yard in New Jersey to a living room in New Hampshire.. To different rental homes in Fort Mill, SC...  I have come to the place where I know seasons have come and seasons have gone.. with them dreams have grown, altered, died, resurrected and been changed... I along them....

Transition has all these affects upon a person...

Not still knowing exactly where we will have been settled into this time next year.. holding much out before the Lord I grapple with the realities that we still face... relocation issues come up quicker then I know what to do with and the reality of a life lived in transition for a full year with six more months have my heart about to faint....

None of this happening in a bubble...  it isn't ever one thing... it is the challenges of life that come all together that can cause one to need to take deep breathes....  and realize that it might all look very different then I ever thought but if I am truly trusting in the Lord as my heart desires to do then I must trust that it will be His goodness that triumphs after all...

Our  family will move.... a son will go off to college... kids will start at a new school... and life with its many twists and turns will come upon us every day..... but the things that stay the same are those things that I desire to lay a hold of....  I will live within one community while holding others in my heart ...

Transition....

I love that one of my dear friends is a Doula....

 I love the conversations we  have about transition as it pertains to child birth... having been there six times (full term) .. I remember.... breathing is essential.... in the middle of it the pain can be excruciating (so very true both in life and labor) ... at the end of it (for us) there was always a baby.... New life...

This season perhaps has been one of the longest transitions I have ever walked through ... but as I think upon it I am truly grateful....  It has taught me to understand in ways I don't know if I would without this season that principal of sojourner.. pilgrim...

As I read an article on some versus in 1 Peter, the author stated this:

 "A sojourner is a traveler who hasn't reached his destination yet. The term is applied to Abraham in Hebrews 11. In verse 9 it says, "by faith he became a sojourner in the land of promise." And in verse 13 there is this statement about him and others: "These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth." A sojourner is a traveler who hasn't reached his final destination. Christians are sojourners. We sing in the gospel song, "this world is not our home."
The other term is pilgrim, and it has about the same significance; it means TEMPORARY VISITOR. We tarry here on earth just for a short time; our greater task is to make preparation for our final destination. We have no permanent domicile here,"

This very long season of transition.....

This very long season of transition has brought it all home....  Aspects of my affections linger in the NH mountains... in the Manhattan city streets.. in the New Jersey suburbs...  Aspects of my affections will always reside within a not so small Southern town of Fort Mill and the nearby city of Charlotte.... aspects of my affections have lived, do live and will live upon country acres.. where they say things like "Lord willing and the creek don't rise.." and the creek rising well, it actually might play a part in the reality of life...

Transitioning from place to place.. glory to glory.. strength to strength...

The disorientation of leaving one place to walk towards the unfamiliar... letting go of one shore to release and journey towards the next...

In trying to remember to breathe and understand that new life comes forth from transition.. I leave the temporary to try and grab a hold of the permanent....  this journey.. this place of in between where we walk out our lives is not  just the stage Shakespeare refers to... it is so much grander... we aren't but actors playing our parts and our roles... we are the Children of God and each step takes us forward and through this transition... this miracle.. this beauty, slash craziness, slash marvel  of life... further into Him... 

Not that I have laid a hold of the reality of that all but amidst so much "transition" a grand notion to be held out in front as a focal point is the greatest transition of all.... Focus...  besides breathing it is that one decision that propels the woman in labor through ....  

For me this moment... well,  it takes me to the song Breathe of Heaven...  Mary's song....  

A baby was born and in His birth declared the greatest transition of all.... 

Mankind which was not a people and had not been shown mercy was now to know mercy and to become His people....

I have traveled many moonless nightsCold and weary with a babe insideAnd I wonder what I've doneHoly Father, You have comeAnd chosen me now to carry Your Son
I am waiting in a silent prayerI am frightened by the load I bearIn a world as cold as stoneMust I walk this path alone?Be with me now, be with me now
Breath of Heaven, hold me togetherBe forever near me, breath of HeavenBreath of Heaven, lighten my darknessPour over me Your holiness for You are holyBreath of Heaven
Do you wonder as you watch my faceIf a wiser one should have had my place?But I offer all I amFor the mercy of Your planHelp me be strong, help me be, help me
Breath of Heaven, hold me togetherBe forever near me, breath of HeavenBreath of Heaven, lighten my darknessPour over me Your holiness for You are holy
Breath of Heaven, hold me togetherBe forever near me, breath of HeavenBreath of Heaven, lighten my darknessPour over me Your holiness for You are holyBreath of Heaven, breath of Heaven

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdLwZCprtkI  ...... Breath of Heaven....................

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

It's about who you can be..... That's why...

As I think over this past Fall there are so many thoughts that fill my heart and my mind.. things I even still wrestle with and things I only hope for more....  I think of Amy Grant's song, Grown-Up Christmas List, we played that song at my oldest son's dedication almost 18 years ago.... 

 I think of my own journey of life and the things that were said about me because of the things that had happened in my life...  Things severe enough like words that spoke forth I should never get married, that I should never have children, that I would  live in and out of pysch hospitals because of the level of abuse and neglect that I experienced as a child.  

It isn't that I ever wanted punitive moments for anyone involved with the incidents of October 10th.. and that isn't even fully true.. never against the other young adults but there were so many moments where my heart wrestled with how the coach acted and didn't act and how the administration acted and didn't act... 

 My heart ached because in all that I have walked through and in all that I have seen and come through I have found that every moment has choices and opportunities..  The opportunity to arise and with strength and  courage face ugly things and declare that those ugly things don't get to dictate the final outcome... 

That within each of us resides the most amazing capacity to cherish and to celebrate one another and the gift of life and the joy and dignity of humanity... To champion each other and as far as it goes for us to propel one another forward into all that we all can be and become.. To cherish and celebrate each other's dreams and do all that we can to assist those dreams to become reality...

I have had those people in my life that saw a life by the road side and didn't walk to the other side but that laid their own life down so that I could have a more firm on ramp towards a real life and real hope...

More than anything I wanted redemptive moments to emerge from ugliness and for adults to speak forth courage not just with words but with actions. To admit where weakness both personal and policy showed up and yet instead of being  afraid of a law suit that was never going to come to take action publicly to assure that safety of all and championing of life would be what would emerge... 

So I didn't get to see much of that happen and the message to children wasn't so much when you hit obstacles you can hit them face on and admit weakness and in that place actually walk in the greatest of strengths and have help...  But all of this has served to remind me of where it is that I came from and where it is that I am going and what is important ....  

To celebrate life.. To celebrate one another.. To champion diversity.. To not settle for tolerance but to step forward in a love that declares worth and value beyond just that of tolerating one another...  This is my life.. this didn't emerge because of the events of October 10th... It was who I have learned to become.. It is who I wanted to be ...  whether it is naive or not.. simple or not.... 

These events haven't gotten to win in my heart because within my being it is about daily living forth, whether well or poorly, living forth the values that I hold so very deep... struggling and wrestling with obstacles but overcoming because I don't want to be of those who shrink back...

Years ago in moments when hope concerning my personal life was fading and darkness seemed to be gaining so much ground... I cried aloud for grace and in those moments found a path out of the darkness into a life that I wouldn't have even had the imagination to dream up ...  Dream up that life for yourself and then realize that what can be can surpass even your wildest imaginations.. and when you hit obstacles and it seems like those dreams are so far out of reach cry aloud for grace and hang on... hang on .. and keep walking .. step by step...  

I include these pictures of me not to talk about weight loss per se.. but to invite you see that the physical weight was only indicative of the weights upon my soul... and as I would journey through valleys filled with shadows of the past I would leave the pounds behind and emerge into more of who it is that I was always called to be... 

It isn't a one time event.. it is moment by moment in life... But be you... I am the mom.. I have 6 kids... Married 20 years... and though my house may seem crazy at times it isn't a psych hospital... I am the mom started as I walked through the first days concerning the hateful events of October 10th but the heart beat behind it all is to champion you and your voice... to celebrate you and your life.. to cherish you and your dreams...  



Living more and more the Life that I was always meant to... Overcoming the past and pressing forward onto life and joy and freedom....


Do you remember me?I sat upon your kneeI wrote to youWith childhood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown-up nowAnd still need help somehow.(can you still help somehow)I'm not a childBut my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wishMy grown-up christmas listNot for myselfBut for a world in need
No more lives torn apartThat wars would never start,(and wars would never start)And time would heal all heartsAnd everyone would have a friendAnd right would always winAnd love would never endThis is my grown-up christmas list
As children we believedThe grandest sight to seeWas something lovelyWrapped beneath our tree.(wrapped beneath the tree)
Well heaven surely knowsThat packages and bowsCan never healA hurting human soul
No more lives torn apartThat wars would never startAnd time would heal all heartsAnd everyone would have a friendAnd right would always winAnd love would never endThis is my grown-up christmas list
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth(There'd be)
No more lives torn apartThat wars would never startAnd time would heal all heartsAnd everyone would have a friendAnd right would always winAnd love would never end, ohThis is my grown-up christmas list

Monday, December 10, 2012

Where I was and where I am.... Building Hearts That Comprehend




It isn't just about the physical weight it is about so much more.... It is about valuing myself enough to have looked into my life and where I was, where I had been and where it was that I wanted to be.....

 It was about starting a project that I wrote about in this blog concerning a 100 day project where I would begin to make purposeful choices, move away from anger and disappointment and try to rebuild a life.. but more than anything it would be watching that 100 day project dissolve before my very eyes ..

. It would be in realizing that no matter how many good choices I could make or how much purposeful living I could try and achieve that those efforts would be empty without other pieces...  It was learning that those other pieces involved entering into a deeper relationship with the One who had knit me together in my mother's womb...  It was about realizing that there was only so much I could do on my own strength and that I needed to allow the Spirit and the love of God to come and transform my life... That He who did knit me together could reknit me together and that as I leaned upon Him and not my own understanding my life could soar to levels I never even imagined...

It is about allowing wholeness to come over the Spirit and the soul and the body ... and these last few years have been an incredible journey....  Over a year ago we began talking about a vision for Hearts That Comprehend. We have walked slowly and purposefully allowing time to mature vision and really find out what the Lord had for us to do in regards to bringing hope and healing to the hearts of individuals wanting to walk more fully into the human being they were created to become....

Watch for more information coming soon.... .. This Winter Tom Zawacki will teach a course on Living Loved, http://stirthewater.com/beta/content/living-loved-tom-zawacki , and in the Spring Rick Sizemore will return to the Stir The Water website and teach The Heart of the Matter... Along side these amazing courses we will be launching a program that includes both small group discipleship as well as  individual wholeness coaching....  We are excited about these new steps that are coming forth into the Hearts That Comprehend portion of Stir The Water and we invite you to continue to journey with us in this new endeavor...

Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Seer's Coming of Age.. A different perspective moving away from focusing on the gift and grasping more fully the purposes of Heaven! Part 1


I am discovering more and more what the life of a Seer is really about and in this place of discovery I feel like the essence of what I am and who I am is coming together in ways I never knew to imagine.

Early this afternoon I was talking to my husband and I was bouncing ideas off of him in regards to the maturity process for a person walking in revelation and for the Seer. We were talking about  how there are the beginnings of learning how to not discount what is being seen, heard, felt, and received from all the senses. We talked about how we all journey through the questions of; “Is this me? Am I making this up? What does all this mean? Am I losing my mind? Etc etc etc

The essential hunger and continual experiences usually spur people on towards educating themselves in the matters that are at hand. They take classes, read books, go to conferences and they pursue understanding.

Amidst that season some of those initial doubts and fears or concerns get answered and within the person is birthed the knowing that these things are from God. The aspects of being a person who hungers to hear and to know propel said individual into the journey of discovering the unseen spiritual world that surrounds us on a daily basis.

As we all journey forward we then come to places where we have to deal with identity and giftings issues. There are times where what we thought we were sensing was wrong and we hopefully navigate through those seasons with faith intact. Learning and understanding that the gifting or demonstration of the Kingdom isn't the essence of what matters but being a son and a daughter of God and loving Him and walking within that place is where we want to dwell.

Emerging from this last season where the capacity to see and perceive and know what the atmosphere around me was and how Heaven was interacting with earth was heightened I stand in awe of our Lord more and more. You might say oh it is because you have seen this or that or walked here or there … but no … it isn't any of that in the ways you would think.

Events are events... spiritual ones or ones that occur upon the physical earth. They come... they go... they are what they are.. they do shape us but life isn't about transversing from one event to the next it is about living the daily times that are assigned to us....... those moments where interactions with Father and His kingdom were upon me served my heart and instructed my being concerning the places from which my truest citizenship is birthed forth from. Igniting within me a reality of the laws of Heaven into a depth I have not ever known. The laws of love and hope and healing and joy... reverberate more fully in me and in them a settled place of trusting Father and resting within His heart is being established.

This morning as I dwelt upon these issues and thought and thought about where I have been walking with Father these days I am so moved by His heart. So thoroughly more and more in love with Him. So ever more firmly knowing how loved I am and that I am His... Knowing where it is that I come from and where it is that I am going and whose I am and what I am has only served to solidify me in ways I wouldn't have even been able to ask or pray for...

Coming forth from this place is where I have begun to see what maturing Seers are and as I look down the road I see Jesus ever more clearly. He being God emptied Himself into the form of man so that He could live a life that showed the love of Father. He is the same as He always was and so are the desires upon His heart. The seeing and revelatory gifts don't exist for any other reason then to make the love of God known. The testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy and the testimony of Jesus is For God so loved the world. We are called to use our senses to receive and to live forth that mandate of Heaven, loving God and loving people.

The Seer's Coming of Age.. A different perspective moving away from focusing on the gift and grasping more fully the purposes of Heaven! Part 2


Why train up Seers, Dreamers, Revelatory people? Why spend the time living off of Hebrews 5 where it speaks of; But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil. Why practice? Why lead people into the understanding that the Kingdom of God is at hand and that they can see and hear and partake and participate in that which is their birth right even as they walk the face of the earth in their life time?

What benefit is there to being a seer? What benefits are there to seeing in the natural would be the same answer.

These days and this season have served me so phenomenally I am only more in love with God and becoming more full of His affections. And I have been shown what it means to walk as Jesus did and do that which He saw Father doing... It wasn't just the healing and the feeding of multitudes. It was the day in and day out way He lived His life.. Sensing and knowing what was on Father's heart. To let the little children come to Him and not rebuke them. To find Zacheus in the tree and to speak to that tax collector and go to his house.

What does that look like today? I have had two of the most profound “seer” type experiences in the last week of my life and it had nothing to do with Heavenly creatures or places or prophetic words. Here are the stories to which I refer... May we all mature in our capacity to have hearts that comprehend and eyes that see and ears that hear... and may we all step more further into the realm of where Heaven touches earth and tenderly and dramatically makes significant differences....

As I stepped back out into the parking lot I saw her trying to wave down Jim.  Had he left something behind was the thought that filled my head.  He had finished filling up the car and was headed to park by the store so I could get in.

She wasn't persistent but something about her caught my heart... My attention.  I called out to her and asked if everything was alright.  I walked towards her and she spoke up that she wasn't asking for money.  She just needed help.

She was such a beautiful person but the look upon her face and her demeanor broke my heart.   I wondered about what life had handed her in this season and we started to talk.

On the other side of the median I noticed another woman sitting in her car watching the interaction that was transpiring between me and another human being.

The three of us.. Complete strangers brought together in one moment.   Later I thought about these moments and wondered about all the choices that had presented themselves in those moments.

I had noticed her but what if I looked away and just asked Jim if he had forgotten something.  I had noticed her but what if as she started to walk away I had just let her. My heart had been drawn to her .. my eyes had seen her.. my very being pulled towards her to engage and not dismiss... but in a brief second I could have shaken it all off and gone about my day or I could respond to the wooings of the heart beat of Father.

I wondered about the other woman too... Did she think I was a some poor creature that got suckered into some kind of ploy. But in this place there was no ploy... Just a woman in need of being seen. A huge part of having eyes that see is to see how in the natural physical world the Kingdom of Heaven wants to break in and be that one that steps in and becomes ever more aware of how specifically and intrinsically we are known by Creator.

Second story.... A facebook post caught my heart.. my attention.. a friend in need... A morning that had plans and a packed to do list was about to be rearranged because the eyes of our God were upon His daughter and she was trusting in Him.... A friend had hit a wall and wasn't sure how she was going to manage the circumstances of her morning and instead of allowing fear to come upon her heart about what she was going to do she turned and worshiped.

I saw her post... I saw it and immediately knew.. I knew His heart .. I could see what He wanted and what He was doing... but I could have made any choice... I could have ignored the impression and thought more about my day and what my morning entailed and not granted access to the wooings of Holy Spirit.

These two moments... these two moments.. show to me the profound nature of the Seer and the need to move away from the attitude of the disciples when having returned to Jesus they were enthralled with the idea that even the demons submitted to them in His name and He turned their attentions back to the Book of Life.. the essence of life and living... to be with Him and to be loved by Him and to love others as He would...

Of course we are going to see.. of course we are going to know.. He is an amazing Father and He shares and speaks forth His heart in more ways then we could ever comprehend. It isn't that He speaks and opens our eyes that is amazing.. He is amazing... we are amazing... The family of Heaven walking upon Earth so that the ways of Heaven get to be made known... That is what is amazing.. the life giving essence of our Heavenly home, the place from which our citizenship is birthed forth from.... We pray it all the time.. Your Kingdom come.. Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven... we are a HUGE part of it coming......

In a world filled with so much fear, where the enemies seem so large and the realities sometimes so harsh.. ….. The maturing seer ,who is full of the understanding that they are a son or a daughter of God and whose heart isn't about the gifting but about the Kingdom and the people that need it's reality, is needed to shine a light so that all can see. As Elisha prayed for his servant's eyes to be made open, Then Elisha prayed and said, "O LORD, I pray, open his eyes that he may see." And the LORD opened the servant's eyes and he saw; and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. “ So do the eyes of those that surround us need to be made open to the reality of the affection and passions of God and they are the recipient of those affections.

Once again that the blind would see and the deaf would hear and the cripple will walk but not just in the physical realities within the spirit as well... that the people of God who are crippled in their faith and blind in their eyes and deaf in the hearing would be made whole and be full of life and celebration of who it is that they are and the reality of what truly surrounds them on a daily basis.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Wishing and wondering gives way to realization of what was already there.. A voice.. a trumpet... changed lives... a choir...


There are some things about being “the mom” in this season of life that have had my heart wish at times I was more. (Here is our story about what being "the mom" and that journey have been about.. https://www.facebook.com/ImthemomandIhaveavoice)  Wish I was an educator so that I could more fully understand the system and know better how to navigate it, wish I was a lawyer so that I could more fully understand the law and what it says, all that wishing and all that apparent lack.

Then this morning as I thought through the last weeks and months that have passed I thought of something I read this week. A friend was posting a quote and in it it was talked about changing the life in front of you.

I have stayed up night after night researching and reading and researching more and reading more all about bullying, anti-bullying, programs that are offered, the dangers and once thought benefits of no-tolerance policies; reading and researching and reading some more. Last night as I read an article something within the words expressed captured my heart and within those words I recognized myself.

Amidst all the thinking of what I wasn't and all the wishing to be more then what I was I realized I came to the table with what I come to the table every day. From the way I live my life to the way I parent to the way I see people, I look at the heart. To see people, to value people, to care about them, to think about them, to honor them, to uphold them, to cherish them... These are qualities I try to live forward and when encountered with events that are contrary I try to find my way back to that place where they continue to reverberate within the depths of my being.

I thought about times when my children in the past were struggling with being bullied or having unkind things said to them I would talk about the other person. I would ask them to think about what type of person does things like this or says things like this, I would ask them to think about that person's heart.

I would ask them to think about what and why another human being would act in a way that would bring harm to someone. I would express to them that maybe that person is angry about things, or hurting, or scared too and while that never made anything “right” I wanted my kids to be always thinking about others. Even if a person just acted in a rash manner without larger issues behind such behavior I would talk to the kids about how important it is to no matter what take responsibility for their actions and walk in such a way that would have dignity and grace.

These events of October 10th keep reverberating deeper and deeper within consolidating who it is that I am and who it is that I will continue to be. I am the mom and I have a voice. Having a voice means speaking up and not just looking the other way. It means taking deep breaths and walking forward even when the road seems covered in a fog so thick you can not even barely see the next step in front of you, it means that it is better and worth the effort to say something and to share then to live in fear and doubt and pain.

It isn't just being a mom or a woman. It is about being a human being and valuing life and joy and beauty and kindness and generosity of spirit. We all have voices. As we speak we form an amazing choir. One voice inspires another voice that inspires another voice and soon we are moving mountains together!

A woman approached me yesterday in a gas station parking lot, she was in need.. we talked and as we did I looked at her.. her situation opening doors to shame and embarrassment into her heart. I saw a beautiful woman in front of me whose situations in life were stealing her capacity to know that she is beautiful and full of value. I spoke to her of those very things and shared how we all need each other and how really not much separates us at all.

I don't know if I will ever see that woman again but as I left our interaction I thought that is what it is about.... Helping and loving the one in front of you and speaking truth into the lives and hearts of people. Using our voices and our actions.. our very lives... to bring life and comfort and joy into that person who is right in front of us...

So while I started wishing I was this or that.. wishing I was more.. I realized what I was and already have been. Whether it is our son and raising awareness about how hate does not get to have the last say and how school districts need to change or it is stepping out and speaking up about whatever the day may ask of me that I do. I have journeyed upon a road that has shown when transparency and vulnerability are given a place and a voice lives change, hearts are healed and people soar.... How can I not walk that path...

How can we all not walk that path....  

Thursday, November 29, 2012

And I am not going back...


I remember the first time I would be asked to share concerning some very specific stories regarding my past. I was standing off to the side of the room and my friend came over to me. He looked at me and asked the famous question of his, “Do you trust me?” I actually really do trust that person and so I answered as such and then came his request and I thought I trust you and then thought of all the “buts” that could come, or I could take a deep breath and answer that I would do what he was asking.

There are so many moments where we stand at the brink of something. Those moments where we look at what is being asked of us and all the paths we could possibly take and in what is usually just seconds we decide. Of course there are those times where we answer with more of a, “can I think about it?” response. But even with that there are choices.

Choices. The cost of making them and living them out. What can be spoken in a moment can then take a life time to walk out. To take or not take action, to speak or not to speak, to change or not change and so it goes. We make thousands of choices daily.

Who we are? How we respond? Eat? Where? What? How? When? Priorities and again so it goes forth from there.

Recent events and having to step up and speak out for my son, and against hate and hit walls that I would have never fathomed would be present (https://www.facebook.com/ImthemomandIhaveavoice) have served to show me a good deal about who I am, where I am strong, where I am weak, where I am capable and where my deficits scream loudly into my ears.

One of the things I have learned about myself more than anything is that I am conquering fear. And for those of you who don't know me that is huge. I remember the first time a gentleman who I loved listening to would preach about fear and towards the end of his sermon would give an offering for prayer concerning the things he was speaking about. I wouldn't make it up the aisle to get to the front as I would just go to my knees and realize how much fear had impeded my life.


So to make a statement like that or not even about fear forget about some of the other things I have publicly shared about my life. Here are the thoughts.. What will people think of me? What if I come across looking stupid? What if I hit something where I don't know what to do? And so on and so forth...

More recently it wasn't as if this huge boldness and courage came upon me and I stood, it was I stood and took deep breaths and opened my mouth. Silencing the voices of fear that raged within me and  setting my heart and my eyes on the fact that once again hate and ignorance don't get to stamp down upon my life and close my mouth. 

There is a cost to living a vulnerable and transparent life and as life continues and opportunities to be vulnerable and transparent present themselves in ways I never anticipated I have found that that is truly who I am. 

 Why?

 Why be so self-disclosing? 

 Believe me it isn't because I have some Jerry Springer humiliate myself desire. It is because I have seen the personal cost of living such a life be far out weighed by the change it brings in others lives and I have watched how the things we so hunger to say but never say bring such harm. And if I can be a conduit for anything it would be that hidden and dark things get exposed so that lives get to flourish.

So I will walk... when I am unsure of myself I will ask for help and when I have failed I will admit error and fault and take accountability, I will stand and speak out about the stigmas that people want other people to wear. I will as far as it is with me and with the grace of God open my mouth time and time again whether it is to speak out against hate and ignorance or to share how it is very possible to overcome violence and abuse.

I am so thoroughly aware that the things people don't say are the very things that they need to say and that hearts need to be made free from the weights upon them and the secrets kept. Voices combine to form a choir and strength is found in numbers. And when I can walk within a collective community then I am stronger and better off but no matter what I will walk and I will sing because I have seen the lands of darkness have to succumb to the dawning of new days and I have tasted and seen goodness in a land full of life and I am not going back.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Why truth and love are so important to me?

As I look over my life ... The things that were said about me.. The things I would do.. The things I wouldn't... Where life and abuse had taken me and then where redemption and kindness have brought me...

What we walk through and emerge from are often the landscapes of our life where we revisit but come back hopefully stronger.. With messages of hope and healing..

I know love the way I do because I've know great hate and harm... I know the power of love and how it is victorious because I've lived it... I've felt the effects of silence and lived painful years and found courage to arise from the ashes and find healing...

One of my favorite sayings that I share with people is "the things we aren't saying is that which is killing us.."

To bring to light dark things and watch darkness flee is a life desire of mine.. To be a voice for those who haven't had one.. To stand with courage and proclaim.. A new day... A new time.. A new way...

This is my passion... To not allow things that have been hidden to remain so... And I'm finding my voice in new ways and discovering new strengths and walking forward ... Speaking life and love and hope

Pop the Champagne Bottles

Waking up the image that was before me was of a champagne bottle being opened....  Indicative of celebration I wondered to myself what did I have to celebrate....  Then clearer then day I knew... I knew what it was I was to see... to know...

"Celebrate Life!"  And with those two words it was as if volumes were planted into my heart.  Celebrate life.... It is who I am ... Truly when I am walking in the most me I can a celebration of life flows forth ....  The appreciation of life.. the appreciation of love... the appreciation of truth, wisdom, beauty, joy, hope....  To have eyes that see another human being for the precious individual that they are... to bless with words and actions.....

In the midst of life and recent occurrences I had allowed that which I truly am to be bumped from center...  And yet this morning's vision reminds me of hope and love.  This isn't a superficial optimism that bubbles within side me ... it is an absolute understanding of the strength of love and redemption... it isn't based upon events and circumstance and situations... it is based upon an immovable reality...  It is a celebration of life... of love... of affection....

It is an understanding that amidst events that feel like the proverbial wind and waves I can stand... I can be at peace...  I can have a strength not my own....  And in that place and from that place I can walk forward...  Walking forward... I celebrate life... I celebrate beauty... I celebrate and cherish and hold firm to the understanding that all life is precious and the value of every human being is beyond measure... I walk forth with that upon my heart and in my mouth...

In the words of the prayer of St. Francis ---

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.


O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen




Friday, September 28, 2012

All this because a Heavenly beast like creature stepped into my laundry room ….


I am learning to forget about road maps... or plans... I have seen myself writing from this place for years and have not ever been able to step in or participate... not thinking that I have missed it but that it has been drawing me towards this moment for a very long time and there is gate now that I am willing to enter through and places to put my steps... a winding path... at times.. more like the seemingly random stones you step on to cross over a stream... but step by step or curve by curve I have stepped into an Alice in Wonderland type reality.

Still the mom of six kids and still a wife.... still with daily responsibilities but also now living with eyes that have been flung further open and a heart willing more than ever to walk with Him... He has held out His hand and gazed at me with a look that speaks more than thousands upon thousands of words.... My heart has been wooed towards weakness... my being is becoming settled in the unknown... the uncharted....

It startles me more and more how much life goes unseen.. the countless .. numerous invitations to take a hold of His hand... gaze into His gaze … walk where He walks... it interrupts.. it isn't convenient … but my eyes are made wider and wider and my Grinch like heart and soul grow size after size....

one part cries irresponsible while the other place hears the beckoning and allows the wooing and comes... It is a trust walk unto Him unlike I have ever walked... listening.. He truly does direct my path.. my own understanding certainly not leaned upon … learning to trust Him more thoroughly then I ever thought.. as flesh cries out and bawks and soul enters into places ever so timidly... But the hunger in my spirit overrides.. more than that it is His gaze.. His presence found here... Him... beyond gaze.. beyond presence.. Him.. Him … standing there looking at Him.... feeling Him... knowing He is ever looking over my shoulder.. knowing there is no place I go He does not see... knowing there is no place I tread that He doesn't care....

Taking Him at His word.... the plunge has been taken.. the cliff jumped off of.... Liken this season of weakness as the moments prior to Elisha's servant eyes being made open... before I didn't see all that surrounded me and now... well, now I am anticipating how truly full the reality is once the eyes are opened and once it is seen that greater are those that are with us then those we see that are against us....

Standing in front of my washer machine.. putting the first of what will be many loads of laundry in this weekend... a beast appears to my right and I feel like I have been hijacked into a realm beyond me.... standing there I think very quickly... “good beast? Bad beast?” But it doesn't take long to sense his heart.. to know who it is he worships... and I smile because I am in the company of one who I will know for all eternity..

“He wants you to write...”

What? Laundry calls today... do you see this house... do you see that room.. those dishes... all the thoughts that go through my head....

And then the room fills with Him... the familiar wooing..... and I stand there... thinking clean or listen... clean or listen...

As I write this I realize the importance of these moments...

I had choice... I saw clearly and heard clearly but it didn't start that way in the beginning.. they were simple unclear moments out of the peripheral of my eyes... they were a twinge of longing to be with Him... they were a thought that could be so easily dismissed... Even over the last few days wooings have been ignored... His desire for me to write in this moment.. step into that moment... to know Him.. invitations and beckonings and moments not taken.

Remembering this morning standing in front of my washer and thinking of all that needed to get done today on my timing and my schedule I think upon the creature... I think upon Him, my Lord....His wooing and I wondered.... wondered what does it mean to give into these moments where I am being drawn towards other things..... You might say it is an obvious choice and I would say it is a choice …. moment by moment.. day by day....

I want it to be said of me the same as Jesus... that I see the Father and what He is doing and that I can only do that which He is doing and that I can do nothing of my own accord..... His ways.. His path.. His day...

The more I step.. the less I ignore... the more I enter... the more I see... touching that creature today... feeling his created essence.... feeling the atmosphere of Heaven so readily upon him. I am being changed... being birthed into something I do not even slightly comprehend... I know this from a place of weakness that this is all being birthed.... in stepping into weakness.. in embracing the reality of the unseen and how it interacts and mingles with the here and now I am being changed...

Elisha's servant was granted strength and courage as his eyes were opened and made aware.....

We are not big at speaking prophetic words that say things like in this season or in this time.... but the reality is as those who have their citizenship in another place... it is time for us to be more acquainted with those realities and it is time for us to allow the mindset of Heaven to fill our beings..... as ambassadors of one place to another we need to know the place from which we come all the more intimately.. and realize that there is far more that is for us then we have ever stopped to think or imagine or wonder.....

All this because a Heavenly beast like creature stepped into my laundry room ….

Having stepped away and about to step back I am changed... altered.. made stronger... the reality of Heaven more upon my mind … His wooing landing upon my heart.... His passion for me granted access into my being... Having not leaned on my own understanding but in this way acknowledging Him... He has actually washed away the feelings of being overwhelmed by all the tasks of the weekend and I feel even more able to accomplish them not in my own strength but in a strength granted straight from the place where my Father is worshipped...

And as I finish.. as my fingers and my heart know this time is coming to an end.... I see up towards Him and I hear the “Holy.. Holy.. Holy...” and I am reminded of whose I am … and of where I am from...

Off to do another load of laundry... off to fold.. and put away.. off to clean and organize... off to wander into a day of the seen and the unseen... citizen of Heaven walking upon the earth.... Daughter to a most amazing Father.... Beloved.. adored... treasured... understanding my worth more and more .. little bit by little bit.... Because He lavishes His love upon us... and woos us from deep unto deep

Thursday, September 27, 2012

What I did when my heart fainted in a store parking lot....

There are times it doesn't seem like anything will prosper forget get easier...


Sitting in my car when I need to have gotten into the grocery store already I lowered my head on the stirring wheel and sighed....


Thinking through the day.. Thinking through the moments... But sitting here having gotten my period for the second time since a miscarriage .. I wanted to text a friend, " I thought this month would be easier.." and even while knowing I need to get into the grocery store and get my stuff done and just push through... Our Father began to speak and I knew...


A friend of mine takes walks with God as he sorts things out .. Throwing sticks as he processes through the stuff of days and life...


My friend had encouraged me to find "my stick." And a couple of days ago as I sat and felt Father's hand on my back my mind began to write and a peace and sorting out began to happen even before my fingers could hit the keyboard... I could sense the immense pleasure of God in the moment.. His delight worn upon the smile upon His face ...


And I knew... I knew He would meet me in moments liken unto these that were occurring ... If I would take the time.. His presence would lead me to thoughts.. And whether upon my heart or actually on a screen we would write together..


"It was quite a day today.. " I said in my heart towards Him and I thought about texting my friend... He interrupted and said "throw sticks... Write words.. Visit me.."


So sitting in the parking lot of the supermarket I still hadn't entered and looking at the time... I pushed the chair back and put my foot up and began to cry...


"I really had thought this month would have been easier... I really wanted this month to be easier... "

We weren't even trying to have another baby and we are in both our hearts done adding to our family. The longevity of the grief has startled me... But He draws my attention back to a year... A years worth of moments... And it goes beyond the miscarriage and beyond a sick child and beyond dissolved relationships.. Beyond 90 degree plus learning curves and it hits the question..


Can I trust God?


Habakkuk comes to mind..



Though the fig tree should not blossom And there be no fruit on the vines, Though the yield of the olive should fail And the fields produce no food, Though the flock should be cut off from the fold And there be no cattle in the stalls, Yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.

Habakkuk 3:17-18...

Can God be trusted when nothing goes to plan ? Forget goes to plan.. How about can God be trusted when all plans hit the fan along with all the excrement ....


And other words from a dear friend float through my head and land upon my heart.. God could do all things and in doing the things He does He truly does have higher ways.... In lacking momentary understanding and being rash I could falter and allow my heart to live faint...

Except ...

In that "Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. Surely my soul remembers And is bowed down within me. This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.

Lamentations 3:18-22


Who I am standing in this place is very different from the girl who stood last year at this time.... amidst loss and trial I have not been delivered out of... Instead I have leaned... Been carried.. Fallen down and sat and wept .. AND.... AND...
AND... Learned the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living... I have been and am being transformed into His likeness...


So sitting in my car still having not entered the store and still not having my heart fully made whole or strong I sit.... I sit thinking I thought this month would have been easier.. Thinking of the grief over a year of loss... Private.. Corporate.. Family... A year of loss ....


My husband spoke about waste places last Sunday.. How God will comfort Zion... God will come along side her and bring restoration... He will meet us there... And I sit in some of those places watching as God does come along side and bring forth life...


It looks quite different then I ever anticipated ... And then His smile.. And His glance and I hear His words.. "the meek inherit..."


I look around the landscape of my life and though the fig tree should not blossom And there be no fruit on the vines, Though the yield of the olive should fail And the fields produce no food, Though the flock should be cut off from the fold And there be no cattle in the stalls, Yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation."


For I see being harvested even greater things and in the waste places I will linger and wait for He comes to me here and so very thoroughly He changes me ...

Saturday, September 8, 2012

How this girl walks the distant shores and invites you to do the same


Driving down the road my thoughts drifted to this one girl that I had talked to earlier in the week... We had talked about ministry.... and as I thought of her my heart felt sad and I thought of a follow up conversation that I wanted to have with her..... As I thought of all the things that I wanted to say about ministry to her all of a sudden I was on the edge of waters and sand.... holding His hand... walking with Him.... and all that I am made up of melted.... relief... breath.... peace.... holding His hand and walking with Him.... and Home... Home... Home...... I soaked it all in......


Why do I write this piece this morning? I write as a visitor on foreign soil..... and there were things on His heart to share... but not to necessarily share what He was speaking but the process.... You see you won't get fullness of life from hearing the words that flow forth from His heart into mine... In those moments that encompassed me driving .. me thinking of a precious precious daughter of our King  to being with Him on the shores... to Him opening up the moments that transpired before those events.... There were things of His heart for me to share about the process because He wants you o enter in and not live off the experiences of others but to walk into the deep darknesses like Moses.. not stand afar being satisfied to let the “moseses” to walk before you and know God for you....


So I was sitting in my car...
driving down a highway...
my thoughts on nothing in particular...
Then I thought of this beautiful human being...
I thought of the words she shared..
I thought of her heart..
I thought of her face
I thought of her
I thought and I thought of how ministry and “working” for God robs the heart of the wealth He comes to bring......
I thought of her and I thought of her
I thought of a walk I wanted to have with her
I thought of a conversation that I wanted to have with her...


Then I could ever so faintly feel a shift coming... (here's the reason I share... it was beyond faint in the beginning... )
To share that the moments that came forward could have been so easily dismissed and shaken away as just fancy... as just my imagination.... as nothing... And yet... oh my … and yet... in that moment it was heaven touching earth... wooing me to higher... wooing me to Him... wooing me to enter in.. An invitation... a beckoning... not a demand... not forced..... a most magnificent and beautiful calling forth for me to touch Home.......


I know that I know that I know how many times I have allowed the noises of this world to drown out those sweet invitations... shaking them off as nothing.... shaking them off as me... shaking off my Maker... Creator... King.... because in arrogance I assume that it is just the winds of fancy while in the truest of realities it is the whispers of Heaven....

So I went from thinking of my friend... to the distant shores.... lungs breathing in the air that saturates my very being and makes me whole.... holding a hand that was pierced for me.... standing next to the one whose strength I am very much in need..... listening to the waters cascading upon the shores that I call Home.....


As I stood on the distant shores... a picture floated into my head... and I saw myself laying face down upon the sands …. beyond the touch of the waters but face down … and He approached... Compassion put me back upon my feet.... gentleness lifted me up... kindness lifted my head.. passion took hold of my hand......


What was He doing? Showing the moments before the walk...... showing the moments before I had even thought of my friend... showing me how thoroughly He sees... showing me that the befores... showing me that the afters... showing me the nows... showing me how thoroughly He is always pursuing... showing me that I don't think upon Him but His wooing... and His wooing is forever and always beckoning......


I am stranger on foreign soil.. and my Home is always and forever only a breath away... I am not a stranger of that place.. that place is Home.. Home.. Home.. .This place and its ways are what is temporary...... I am bringing forth the reality of a place that knows no sorrow.. no sadness.... no tears.... no sickness.. no death.... no lies.. no corruption... no destruction..... I carry that reality with me at all times.... at all times... it courses its way through me and in me and it is what surrounds me... always … always.... in the moments when I am aware... in the moments I am unaware.....


His tangible reality is always at hand as much needed as the very air I breath... as very real.... if the air were to be removed I would fall down instantly in death.... and even more so with His presence.... It is the sustaining beauty and love of He who rules all Heaven that calls the morning to awaken... and the stars to shine and sing...... It is He who swirls and sustains me and in His own words never forsaking.. never leaving...... In Him I live and breath and have my being... In Him you live and breath and have your being... Where can you go that He is not there?

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
Psalm 139: 8-12


In the faintest movements .. in the real of whispers .. He beckons... He woos.... He invites.... Our hearts know... our starving... our hungry inner most beings know..... desire..... long.... Listen to He who calls you forth... allow the sweetest of beckonings land upon your heart today.... and take hold of  He who has taken hold of you ever so firmly.....

Sunday, September 2, 2012

The Peripheral of my Eye ... A Gateway

The day had already been full of some extreme experiences as I settled into sitting down and writing... But unbeknown to me the most beautiful of moments was about to be embarked upon ...



Sitting in a parked car with legs hanging out the window .. Reclining in the driver's seat .. Staring at the brilliant blue sky.. The warmth of the early South Carolina evening filled the air...



Earlier I had been in BJs as Father's hand came down upon my shoulder steading me from some felt frailties ... So real a moment that I placed my hand upon the same shoulder knowing full well that my hand was resting upon the presence of His..
Leaning into that moment I could feel strength entering my body .. More than strength was the presence of love.. His love and His compassion.., the truth of His affections ... The weight of them... The reality of them.. Nothing can touch ... Those moments took the weights of sorrow.. The burdens of the moment and turned them into a sweet gladness and acknowledgement of His love...



But now sitting in the car relishing the thick warm air I was to be ushered into a reality that could have all so easily been dismissed...



"Look forward ," He said. I could see His smiling face... Knowing He was up to something but not knowing what it was I did as I was asked with a matching smile across my own face...



Standing in front of me as if I could run to Him and touch Him and embrace Him and never let Him go ... He beckoned me to stay settled where I was... Everything in me wanting to run to Him.. Everything in me reacting to the nearness of His being... My breathing racing .. My heart beating... And yet His desire was that I would still myself and linger in the moment ....



Again He spoke... "There is more for you,"
And then before I could think not to utter a complaint before the magnificence of Him... "what could possibly be more?" and I broke into sobs..



Again I wept.. "what, what... My Lord.. What could possibly be more.. More than this .. More than You?"



Sobs now racking my body... Everything in me listening to Him but everything in me yearning for Him all the same... He was there.. Within reach.. Within the capacity to hold Him and be held by Him and yet it was His truest desire for me to stay as I was and still myself ...



The look that came across only served to both weaken and strengthen my heart... In His look was an understanding of me that in its fullness was one of the most amazing things I had ever witnessed and yet a resolve so string emanated forth from Him that my soul was brought to a calm so solid and peaceful that the already warm air mingled with the warmth of His majesty and the moment became magic.... The Kingdom on earth ...



"I want you to look towards me but from the edge of your eye look away."



Within His instruction I can't fully express that which I felt.. His care for me in those moments beyond comprehension... At least mine... He was bringing forth instruction that would serve me a long time.. I could feel it... Again He, in all His wisdom... Knowing me so thoroughly.. So intimately.. Knowing what I needed from Him beyond anything.. He was instructing me for life... Life in Him..



While I yet am called to walk upon the earth I am His... Belong to Him.. Desire Him.. His citizen ... His prize .. His future bride... And I felt that .. I felt the heart of a groom instructing the one He desires to have life and love and affection...



In the moments that followed... Out of the corner of my eye... Facing Him but seeing what He desired me to see... I saw how the peripheral vision that was created within humanity was a gateway to the Home... So easily able to dismissed but if trusted and if acknowledged led the heart of the believer into the most magnificent of journeys and reality...



Facing Him but looking out of the corner of my left eye .. I saw what was better... Better to the Lord.. My Lord ... Better for me than the very lover of my soul.. Was what He came to make known...



As I looked I saw strength ... I saw fullness.... I saw Father...



"To become the bride.. My bride... You must become the daughter... His daughter... "



The roar of Heaven filled my ears... An roar? An applause ? The sound was intense .... And then it all became clear ... The "Holy... Holy... Holy" echoing throughout the chambers... Was so beyond intense I felt as though I would melt ...



But then other words... His voice sounding like thunder and yet softer than a kitten.... Compassion took form.. No longer an idea or concept but alive and full and full of form...



"you, my daughter, come forth from me.. You will come back to me... I have always known you and in knowing you.. I have always loved you ..."



Marking me as His daughter ... His presence came forth from there and lighted upon my heart and my mind and my eyes.. Branding me as His own... Covering me with His affections .. More real .. More tangible... His affections being placed upon me as a garment ... Declaring that I belonged to Him..



The declaration reverberating forth throughout all that was before me..



And I knew that I was never alone...
And I knew I would never be alone
And I knew that from the corner of my eye I would always be able to see Him... Always be able to see where I have already been seated...



Staring back at Him as He stood there and knowing how surrounded I am by all that is eternal .. I smiled and stayed my ground... For He was right... The gift He gave in those moments were beyond what I had wanted to lay ahold of ...



We smiled... He nodded... And He was gone... I thought of words that had been spoken earlier on in the day.. Of how He vanishes once we know.. Once we see...



The 16th anniversary of my biological father's death was just a couple days ago.. Those stories are long and not for here but He, my Lord, came alongside so I could hear the declarations of the One who was always.. Is always .. And will for always be my Father.... I knew that more firmly than ever before.. I was laying ahold of the reality of exactly whose I was and that which that meant.. And He had provided the door ...



I am and was and forever shall always be His daughter ... And He, my Savior... Redeemer... Friend, is the most magnificent Way.. Truth... Life... Path ..



I am loved beyond my wildest imagination... And that delights my soul...