What I did when my heart fainted in a store parking lot....

There are times it doesn't seem like anything will prosper forget get easier...


Sitting in my car when I need to have gotten into the grocery store already I lowered my head on the stirring wheel and sighed....


Thinking through the day.. Thinking through the moments... But sitting here having gotten my period for the second time since a miscarriage .. I wanted to text a friend, " I thought this month would be easier.." and even while knowing I need to get into the grocery store and get my stuff done and just push through... Our Father began to speak and I knew...


A friend of mine takes walks with God as he sorts things out .. Throwing sticks as he processes through the stuff of days and life...


My friend had encouraged me to find "my stick." And a couple of days ago as I sat and felt Father's hand on my back my mind began to write and a peace and sorting out began to happen even before my fingers could hit the keyboard... I could sense the immense pleasure of God in the moment.. His delight worn upon the smile upon His face ...


And I knew... I knew He would meet me in moments liken unto these that were occurring ... If I would take the time.. His presence would lead me to thoughts.. And whether upon my heart or actually on a screen we would write together..


"It was quite a day today.. " I said in my heart towards Him and I thought about texting my friend... He interrupted and said "throw sticks... Write words.. Visit me.."


So sitting in the parking lot of the supermarket I still hadn't entered and looking at the time... I pushed the chair back and put my foot up and began to cry...


"I really had thought this month would have been easier... I really wanted this month to be easier... "

We weren't even trying to have another baby and we are in both our hearts done adding to our family. The longevity of the grief has startled me... But He draws my attention back to a year... A years worth of moments... And it goes beyond the miscarriage and beyond a sick child and beyond dissolved relationships.. Beyond 90 degree plus learning curves and it hits the question..


Can I trust God?


Habakkuk comes to mind..



Though the fig tree should not blossom And there be no fruit on the vines, Though the yield of the olive should fail And the fields produce no food, Though the flock should be cut off from the fold And there be no cattle in the stalls, Yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.

Habakkuk 3:17-18...

Can God be trusted when nothing goes to plan ? Forget goes to plan.. How about can God be trusted when all plans hit the fan along with all the excrement ....


And other words from a dear friend float through my head and land upon my heart.. God could do all things and in doing the things He does He truly does have higher ways.... In lacking momentary understanding and being rash I could falter and allow my heart to live faint...

Except ...

In that "Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. Surely my soul remembers And is bowed down within me. This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.

Lamentations 3:18-22


Who I am standing in this place is very different from the girl who stood last year at this time.... amidst loss and trial I have not been delivered out of... Instead I have leaned... Been carried.. Fallen down and sat and wept .. AND.... AND...
AND... Learned the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living... I have been and am being transformed into His likeness...


So sitting in my car still having not entered the store and still not having my heart fully made whole or strong I sit.... I sit thinking I thought this month would have been easier.. Thinking of the grief over a year of loss... Private.. Corporate.. Family... A year of loss ....


My husband spoke about waste places last Sunday.. How God will comfort Zion... God will come along side her and bring restoration... He will meet us there... And I sit in some of those places watching as God does come along side and bring forth life...


It looks quite different then I ever anticipated ... And then His smile.. And His glance and I hear His words.. "the meek inherit..."


I look around the landscape of my life and though the fig tree should not blossom And there be no fruit on the vines, Though the yield of the olive should fail And the fields produce no food, Though the flock should be cut off from the fold And there be no cattle in the stalls, Yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation."


For I see being harvested even greater things and in the waste places I will linger and wait for He comes to me here and so very thoroughly He changes me ...