Saturday, April 30, 2011

Sometimes I See Battlefields... see the soil soaked in blood ... sometimes I feel the bullets in my back

Sometimes it takes hours for me to get to a place where I am at a place I am willing to write... but I walk that journey because I know in the walk.. each time... I am more after.... So I swallow hard and I pace and then I sit... sometimes I try to get back to sleep and pretend that I don't see and that I don't hear and that I don't know what to write... but the words are there... they are there...

Life... death... choices.... sometimes ours ... sometimes not....

So many things that we truly aren't in control of.... so then what I am in control of... what can I choose.....

Well, I can choose... life or death... I choose love or hate... I choose forgiveness and the foolish aspects of my truest home.. my heavenly home... My Father's Kingdom... or I can choose to be wise in my own eyes.. and you see when I put it like that why would I choose the ways of this world over the ways of my Father.... and He sits with me and I lean into Him and we walk....

Tonight... tonight once again I saw battlefields... which I think is weirdly funny because I always think after I see one and I walk through it and emerge that there won't be another one... isn't that some what naive on my part... maybe it is... maybe it just shows that the battlefields haven't won over my heart... and that I am still willing to emerge with hope intact... still willing to emerge from them with faith.. wiser maybe... more solemn sometimes... quieter sometimes.... but emerge from them always with the grace and love of my Father I will...

Battlefields... ever think about those vacations where they tell you to come visit the battlefields of old.. see where this civil war battle occurred or one from the revolutionary war... see where victories were won... or lost (depends on how you look at it) come see the ground that was once so blood stained... where men died... men who were sons.. fathers... brothers... friends... don't you think that is weird.... history.... for the sake of history.....

Certain buildings are like that for me... different places.... different times... different faces... different names.... but pictures of portraits and places sometimes dance upon my mind and my heart like those battlefields...

I have friends who don't believe in God right now... who wouldn't step foot into a worship service if their life depended on it.... People I know got divorced... people I know well they died... literally or inside..... they died.... and I don't think you just walk away from things like that unchanged....

Not ever unchanged....

Tonight I had a picture of a dear friend and she and I walked onto a battlefield from sides that were opposite of one another ... and we met in the middle and just looked at one another... eyes full of knowledge I don't think we were ever intended to bare... hearts full of stories and weight that we weren't ever really meant to have.... and there was blood... and there were wounds... and we sat on the ground knees to our chests and held one another and the rains came.... and we sat there.. allowing them to soak us... allowing them to bring their healing properties... we sat there in that place and grew strong again... learned to hope again... learned to walk again......

So I see battlefields.. and at times my breath is taken away and I feel like I was punched in the stomach and so I pray.... I pray and I rest in the arms of the most capable One I know ...... I sit and I ask for Him to make my heart more like His...

I pray Jabez's prayer... but not so that I can be abundantly blessed as the culture ripped into years ago but so that I won't do harm..... because I have felt the angels remove the bullets from my back that had been lodged there and I don't want to be the one that would ever place them there in another....

The battlefields... why their hold comes and goes... I welcome the residue... it stays upon my mind and my heart.... and I think it makes me more the person I truly want to be... I think it teaches me well... that love is always patient and always kind and that it covers... and that I won't seek my own way.... or my own whatever....

It almost won... it almost won with my heart... those fields almost took my heart into a world so hard and cynical and sarcastic .... but a good friend wrote this article about in boiling water you can become a carrot or an egg.... and that began the road back for me.... a carrot become mush and an egg become hard.... and the battlefields and the enemies and those that shoot didn't win... instead they became the soil for which love could grow even stronger....

Here's to being a mush.....................................

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Not just in the yet to come.... what can it look like

A few days ago while on a news website I went to this video and within it was the tale of these people in great need.... great need of physical healing... and the pictures won't leave me alone.....

I'm not about to jump into works of the flesh because I have seen some pictures of people in great need.... But I am about to jump into a journey even more of sitting at my Father's feet..............

You know this past Sunday I walked through this experience where (not giving him credit ) but where the enemy that is the lion that looks for who he can try to devour roared into my person .... uhm... not literally so much... and yet the picture I get is of me standing in front of this crazed lion who is roaring and wind is blowing out of his mouth and the gust of it is hitting me as I stand in its fury........... key word... STAND..... and it comes and it goes.. and it went................... and still I stand..... and yet since then while I have walked through the echos of that roar and had to deal with the sound of them.. I have watched my Father as He has arisen upon that scene.... and has not only placed Himself between that roar and His child but has then shown Himself strong in oh so very many ways................

Our Kingdom and Our God are incredible... They are firm and strong and reliable... Our God is that He is.... and there is nothing that can affect that.............. I rest solidly in that..... I rest solidly in the knowledge that my God and my King and my Father and My Savior IS.......................

I rest there and stay there and pursue that which that reality of His rule and His reign upon the earth in the now not just in the yet to come can look like.....

If I am going to be a Christian then it can't be about religious dogma... How known can God be?

There has been so much that I have thought of these days and months.... as I try and grapple with for me what it means that I am a Christian.... what does that mean to me? What does it need to look like? What does it really need to look like? When the discrepancies of my life and the life that Christ speaks of exist how do I reconcile that in not a tongue in cheek manner......

I can live within the mysteries of the unknown.. but I can no longer live within excuses for myself ... while I walk this earth I must pursue the reality of the aspect of the Kingdom of God is at hand.... the already and not yet.... I must pursue the heart of my Father and not know Him out of some religious acknowledgement to the truth of His existence....

If I am going to be a Christian then it can't be about religious dogma ... I don't underestimate the need in today's world to have an understanding of true Christian principles and a concrete understanding of scripture.... But I don't think there is lack of that... I don't think there is lack of discussion over that which is authentic Christian foundational belief...

But what I think about is how known can God be............... How known? How intimate can we get with the Father and His Son and the Holy Spirit? How close? How full? What does that look like? What does that entail of a person? How does one walk there? What does it look like?

John Wimber has this quote...

"The ability to hear what God is saying, to see what God is doing, and to move in the realm of the miraculous comes as an individual develops the same intimacy with and dependence upon the Father. How did Jesus do what He did? The answer is found in His relationship with the Father. How will we do the 'greater works than these' which Jesus promised? By discovering the same relationship of intimacy, simplicity and obedience. "

So what does that look like? I am not sure... but I am hungry.... and upon the days that I walk upon this world I must find out... upon the journey that is my life... I must walk this path... How did Enoch walk with God? What does the oneness that Jesus prayed for us all look like? What does it look like?

As I have journeyed thus far I have been engaged at times within the embrace of love so magnificent and so strong that it causes all things to fade away..... how do I live there in the reality of my God.. in the reality of my Father's Kingdom... how do I live there... and what do I do with the discrepancies?

On Earth as it is in Heaven... My Father's will being done..... for me what does that look like? Well.. it has to be that which was said to do... the great commission ... But in all of that in has to start with my Father... His heart... loving that quote from John Wimber because that is where it starts and ends.. in Him and through Him....

What does it look like.... How far can I walk into Him.... How deep can I know Him.... How full of His love and affection can I be...... Those are the questions and I walk towards the answers.. plunging into that which is Him...........

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

In awe of how the affections of the Father create a wall against the tyraids of the enemy

There is a darkness ... there are dark deeds... they make their impression... they sound their roar... they aren't mirages ... they are real.... and while the reality of those things exist in this world that we live in... they are no longer full of right to exist... they are no longer full of any authority.... I do believe that life in Christ grants us back authority and dominion over creation.... I also think upon the fact that most don't know how to live there without stepping into some rut....

It isn't about what word of faith circles would say ... ie.. the name it and claim it variety.... It is found more in my estimation in relationship with the Father... in walking with Him as daughter or as son.. we can learn to understand the authority that truly rests upon us and within that expression of love walk as creations that He always intended us to be............

Always intended for us to be.. that is a statement I have thought upon much lately... I know that the intentions for my life from the heart beat of my Father were not lived out... I know that that which was was never anything He ever intended to occur upon my person..... I know that.. I know that because I know Him... a Creator... a King of all kings that allowed His subjects free will and choice..... that only causes me to love Him all the more....

So He always intended that creation would be subject to the authority of the ones (us) that He placed upon it... He wanted us to learn that when something is spoken.. such as He had done... the multiple "Let it be" statements ... that those things must be....

Again I do not at all put that to some ridiculous car or house... my goodness trashing the principle of the Kingdom upon material things is pathetic............ He spoke.. let there be light and there was light that had never existed.. He spoke that the stars and planets would be in place and they had to submit to His will.......... am I going to take that authority and pimp it out or prostitute it out for my own gain....

That is the enemy and his ways... not the ways of my Father... My Father is magnificent and full of all that is good and right and holy... and in Him there is perfection .. there is love.....

There truly is no equal comparison to things of darkness and things of light.. no yin and no yang.. not equal.. not equal at all.. the enemy rages and destroys and that doesn't even hold a candlestick up to the power of our Father to create.. and to heal .. and to speak life.....

Upon my recent days there were events that would have their origin more within darkness and yet the hand of my Father within these days has been precious and strong and beautiful.... He makes all things new... all things must submit to His authority.. to His ways... all knees and all voices...... we will all bow.. we will all confess...

In present days when darkness tried to push and see if it can meter out the same allotment as the past..... It met up with a wall of love that has grown around my heart from time spent knowing His affections and believing in them.. and knowing that they are strong and assured more than the air I breath.......

The past tried to roar in with the ferociousness of a hungry lion... but instead of capturing its prey and devouring it.... it merely scraped the surface.... I didn't leave that encounter unscathed.... that will be the next time .. while hoping there is not a next time... I refuse to fear if there is..........

this time the scrape hit my legs and my heart and my mind.... sent me stumbling a tad.. ok dear reader.. more than a tad... but knocking me off my feet I did not stay there.... and terrorizing my heart it did not succumb to living there...

A strength is born when under the affections of our Creator we sit.. and we sit.. and we sit... That is where living upon the rock matters and changes all things... that the storms.. they come.... they come and the winds blow.... and I am not foolish to speak into the storm and say do your best... but I am one who says having tried your best and having done your all... I will stand... I might have to reach out to hold on.. to steady myself .. but it isn't a bar or some tree limb I hold onto ... it is the very strong and more than capable arm of my God....

The darkness tries to close in... the lion walks around seeking one who he can devour... but I am no longer that one..... for even on the days when I to steal lyrics from the song, Kiss the Son, I can't even walk onto the fields of praise... I do bow... I bow down and kiss the Son........... on days when weakness and terror and all that attempt to close in .... on days when sorrow and sadness push their way into life.... I stand having done all I know to do.. and I bow ... getting real low as to wait for Him to lift me back up........

I trust Him to walk me through the valley of the shadow of death... I trust that though death resides there the One I walk with knows the way out.... He has all that authority... He's been there... and He knows what life on the other side looks like and that ... that is the life we live....

Still startled by the horrors of the dark worlds and still saddened by their existence I know that that is no longer where I live.... and while the shadows may even attempt to linger.. the Light that comes washes them away and I am left better that they were exposed then if they had not been...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Third excerpt from In My Father's House..... A walled off Garden. learning to speak and create. that which was always meant to be.. authority regained

The Walled Off Garden.......................

You are a masterful gardener and I love when we walk side by side through Your gardens... I love that which You teach and that which You show.. and that which You delight in.... I love how You know every aspect of every part of everything that was and is ever created... I love standing beside You and sensing Your greatness and Your vastness and watching You care and tender after all that You have called into being......

In this place where we wander side by side in Your walled off garden.. in Your place... In that which You treasure... I watch as You sow seeds and cause things to come forth in growth... how careful and attentive You are to where You plant Your seeds... how I see the difference of how I might do it in comparison... Your patience .... Your forethought... Your attention to detail... Your care and preparation of the soil.. there is nothing harried .... there is only diligence... there is only precision... and in watching You I realize how many seeds I sow that while good intentions fill my heart they are more seeds of my own making than of Yours...... and I learn confidence and patience as You walk me through Your garden.... as I watch You tend that which is Yours and that which You call forth to grow...

I hear Your song and how it differs upon each individual planting and seedling... and You make me aware that those songs are so very individualized and that no two breaths of Yours is ever imparted in the same way .... and how no two breaths of Yours are ever of the same air... and how when You breath into creation each breath carries with it its own song... its own display of some aspect of You and Your attributes....

How consistently and wonderfully You tend all things.... how marvelously You cause growth even in the most stubborn of plants... ... some grow slowly and flower ever so often and others grow quickly and bear fruit... whether fruit or flower Your great pleasure abounds upon all... and Your immense delight over creation is stunning...... the flower... the tree... all that makes creation that which it is bows and obeys so very perfectly.... elements of creation are uninhibited by will they are just what they are....and they hear Your command to grow or bear fruit or to flower and obey.....

These lessons in Your garden are stunning... and impact my soul in ways I could not even begin to fathom... but I feel the wisdom of Your ways as gardener... masterful gardener tend me.... My life ... Your garden... my being... submitted..... I bow ... I obey.... I want that natural tendency within me to be as those plants that just absorb Your will and do it.... they know it as You speak and they act and they grow and they flower and they bear fruit....
We walk through portion after portion of Your garden among the different sections and You are purposeful in that which You are leading me towards.. we pass flower beds in various states of growth ... we pass prepared beds of soil ready and waiting for Your seeds.. for Your words... for Your commands.... And still You lead me beyond these places to the one edge of the garden that is always in a state of becoming.....

You stop and stand there... and then turning Your head You look at me and I know... I know You want me to speak to that soil... I know You are looking forward to that which You know I speak into being...

You are teaching me the power of my words but even beyond that which I would speak you are causing me to understand that my very thoughts are empowered... and in that I take a very deep breath.... and swallow hard.... Our capacity to create.... to bring forth life.... It is stunning... but with that the understanding about how often I do just the opposite as I allow my own opinions to trump that which You would state as truth..... about a situation... about a person... and I realize the creative aspect of that which we are.. and that which You empowered us to walk in is truly something so awesome and terrifying....

You stand there and as we stand on the edge of this part of the garden where soil has yet to be cultivated and nothing has yet to emerge I recognize you are ever delighted.... and within Your delight I gain an understanding that You are waiting upon me.... You are teaching about dominion and about rule and reign and as such a picture of flowers that are bright and beautiful and unique in their make up... more like a Doctor Seuss image and full of fancy and wonderment and color fill my head and my heart ... and as I look at You and dream up and imagine those flowers You push my attention to the soil at the edge and from it comes forth the very flowers that were just pictured upon the recesses of my mind....

Ah to create with You... to embark upon a journey and an adventure with You.. to realize that in calling things that aren't as though they were we have within us the capacity to create but even more than that... we have the capacity to hold out hope and speak into lives and the atmosphere Your very design... Your intention.... We have been given back authority... we have been given it and it resides within our person.... To use for You... or to misuse for ourselves....

Oh Masterful Gardener... Tender of all creation... Your steps within this place leave their imprint upon my heart.... and my soul.. and my mind... In this place You transform my thinking and again bring forth the ways that are higher... larger... more full of life... more full of the original design .. more full of Your intentions for who I am to be...
I so very much enjoy walking these terrains with You.... they are amazing... You are amazing.. You will and Your intentions are so full here in this place.. nothing here denies You.. nothing here betrays You... Your will is carried out before even an utterance of it is upon the air.... here this place acknowledges Your complete rule and reign and in so doing it is absolutely marvelous to watch and to partake in and to absorb and to be challenged by... In this place perfection exists.. in and around You... where You are... and again my heart goes to that prayer that we were taught oh so very long ago... As it is in Heaven so may it be here... upon the earth...

May I take these lessons and live them well... may I heed Your instruction and follow it to the very essence of that which it is.... may I learn to walk here in my life within the authority and dominion that You have granted and handed back through great sacrifice of Your own..... may I not treat it carelessly or haphazardly... may I rise up to that which You are calling forth and walk forth in the liberty and power and grace that You so amazingly supply without end......

Even the Tax Collectors.... the spotted and speckled... the liars, dreamers, misfits. that is where He would be..... that is where I want to be

Now people are fickle... and for the most part especially in these days "stick to itness" is out the window ... Not overestimating the life sways of a crowd... There are all the crowd issues when one looks at how people responded to Jesus...

But the aspect that most fills me with wonder is when I read the different accountings of Jesus' interactions with men and women and children when He walked the face of the Earth ... they only cause me to love Him all the more....

I love when accounts of Him walking in His authority are written.. I love how the people state how different He is from the other religious teachers of the day.. they marvel at His authority...

I also love the accountings when it is written that "even the tax collectors came to Him.." I mean "even" they came to Him.... All of the "theys" of our day.... I know that they would come to Him too....

I love how it is all written... the lost.. the destitute... the poor... the broken... the weary... I love one of the mottos of the church we attend... "Liars... Dreamers.. Misfits... I loved how other leaders I have known and walked with have talked about the "spotted and speckled"...

The religious ones ... hhhmmm not so much....

It has been interesting to me as I have dedicated myself to writing this blog and through the different seasons have grown with it.... what I marvel at right now is how the more embarrassed I am to write something.. the more I cringe inside as I write about the places I am at times within my soul... the more I feel the Lord on it and in my life.....

People are broken.. they are weary.. they are heavy laden... and they need to hear the words...that there is a place of rest...I need to hear those words.... and while I don't always rest there I want to .... In sharing hearts and breaking down walls and defenses I truly believe we are walking into that other.. that other that astonished the people in Jesus' day....

That real place... where we risk with one another.. and we love the good.. the bad and the ugly about one another.. and we love....

People don't need more show.. they don't need more entertainment... they really don't need church to be like the culture... whether they know it or not people need Jesus as He was ... as He is.. and I'm after that.... on good days and bad... on days of rejoicing and days of weeping... on days when He takes me by the hand and leads me into wondrous moments and on days when it feels like a brick wall is between us....

I have to walk into a place where I am more and more like Him... for myself.. but for those that surround my life.... His relationship with the Father... His capacity to do that which our Father was doing in the moment... His capacity to love.. His capacity to know and have confidence in who He was and what it was He was doing...

It is the power and passion of Christ that we all need.. and in walking towards that.. and hungering after Him... and in being real... and in not shunning those that are trying to find their way imperfectly I know we'll get there.... Love always is triumphant.... always....

While the crowds might be fickle .. love certainly isn't and love stands the test of time...

And I look to the time when we walk more and more as He walked... daily ... with power .. love and authority.... completely submitted to Him... and doing that which the Father is doing in our midst.....

I remember being at an outreach and this same sex couple let me pray for each of them ... I prayed for each one for almost 45 minutes... taking the scriptures and the prayers of Paul and using the truth that the Father is also their Creator and using language that they could receive.... they didn't get saved that day but they definitely were brought into a place of receiving God's love for them and brought closer to the day when their eyes would be open to receive the truth about the "Lover of their souls..." I mean "even the tax collectors" will come to Him....

Are we ready for them?

Are we able to be real and genuine and not hide behind religious notions that we have all the answers.. I know Jesus is the answer (PERIOD) but I know that there is oh so much I don't know... and I'm willing for Him to sort that all out.....

I want to be more like Him and walk in grace and love and see as He saw people... lost.. afraid.. wandering.. without a shepherd... without a home.... But with a Father who is heart hungry for them...

Monday, April 25, 2011

He is the song when I know not how to sing.....

There are scriptures that either Jesus says or things that are said about Him.... things like when He on numerous times speaks that He tells the truth...."I tell you the truth" He says....

Or when it is said of Him in Isaiah... He was despised and rejected by people. He was a man of sorrows, familiar with suffering. He was despised like one from whom people turn their faces, and we didn't consider him to be worth anything.

As I have struggled with God to communicate the things upon my heart ... as I have looked up at Him and then lowered my eyes only to say ok..... I will write that.... I will share... the comments that come only then to serve His purposes..... I am trying to come to a place where I don't mind as much to share whatever that is that He wants me to.... and when I hear that it isn't just for me to have some sort of open crazy diary it makes all the difference ...

What's that song 2am..... (Breath)

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

I can't write just because it is like that... I'm not like that....

But what I am like is the publican... I stand before God head bowed.... with pockets laid bare and empty..... broken.... full of questions .... lacking answers... trembling before Him ... acknowledging that He is my place... He is my home and without Him... oh my goodness without Him I am very aware of where I would be...

He truly holds me together.... His hand and heart and spirit ... His ways... His face... His eyes... that gaze.... without that I am very very aware of where I would live.. and who I would be...


Jesus told the truth.... but it is said of Him that He was acquainted with sorrow....and familiar with suffering.... He was despised... rejected and men thought nothing of Him.... put that up against the show man ship and flashy shows that go on at conferences and auditoriums displaying a gospel that entertains and thrills.... instead of portrays the heart of the best Good news that there is ......

So I am acquainted with sorrow these days... and familiar with suffering... maybe not so much despised or rejected but there isn't anything within me that would draw the attention of man... but I really do believe that my heart draws the attention of my God.....

I sit very quietly with Him these days... I look at Him as He looks back at me... in my weakness His strength is granted... and in my most frail moment and greatest failures He manifests His life within....

Brokenness before God is not anything to be ashamed of .... everyone has their thing... some hide it better and some have more grace... some know how to focus better upon His love and His grace... I do ... at times... at times standing beside Him and seeing Him and knowing Him I feel invincible... and it is because of His love and mercy and grace... and at other times... I just sit quietly with Him .. and wait upon Him and know that as I wait upon the Lord He will renew my strength...

No hype ... no show... just a girl.. so very much in love with my God.. and knowing that no matter what I have no where else to go... so wait upon Him I will.... He is my all in all.. strength in weakness... song when I know not how to sing.... He is all that and more...

There is no shame in sorrow... grief... rejection... and there is one who fully understands.. and is the greatest advocate anyone could ever need...... His eyes tell the story and His heart sings the song.... and we can rest upon Him for He is gentle and humble of heart and He grants rest for the soul........

As He repairs my soul.................................

I couldn't come to write tonight... I can't write if I'm not willing to open up myself for the flashlight of my Father to press upon .... I have to give Him full and free reign.... it is what He wants.... but as I have walked this journey of writing I have come to days where I have shaken my head and while not saying no I have said not yet.....

But I am ever determined to minimize my no before Him... I am ever determined to take His hand even when I want to push it and Him away...

Such a moment came this evening.... well last night if you consider when I'm writing.... His presence thick ... I couldn't look up.. and all in my heart I wanted to do was push Him away.... Relationship is relationship and I have one with Him... He is God and I'm His subject but within those truths there are the aspects of affection and love and relationship that He beckons us towards....

and I was in such a place that in all honesty if the Dearest Lover of my soul had physically manifested I would hope that I would have fallen to my knees and wept but in my heart all I could think of was I would push You away....

Knowing His presence and knowing Him there was an arm length between us... and I cared not to shorten it.... and then He began it.... a conversation that would take me hours to be wooed to actually listen to.... not proud of my stubborn heart but willing to express the condition of which it was found in

I'm not proud of these moments but I also don't think I'm the only one who has had them and staying true to that which I have said in writing.... it will be me .. it will be real... what else can I be.... I could postulate upon all the reasons that all I should have done at that moment is just repented... repented and yet as I know relationship with Him to be.... I know He grants time... and I know He knows I will always come around... there is no other place to go......

He kept showing me a picture of a play ground and a bully and He kept saying with the sweetest tenderness in His voice.... "You were pushed..." I didn't want to hear it... I knew what He was saying... I knew what He was talking about... I just still didn't want to go there...

In regards to that which He was talking about I knew... but the impression of the push was still upon my person and it was all too real.....

We just got done celebrating Easter.... and I wonder when Jesus hung dying upon the cross did the enemy think he had won... that a Man he couldn't tempt was actually now dying.... he couldn't tempt Him but now He was gone... were those the thoughts that our now vanquished foe had.... the horror within that being upon the day of resurrection.... when the One he couldn't tempt he also couldn't kill and beyond that the authority he had stolen had been taken back.....

The enemy won one round.... but lost everything in the end....

Wanting me to take His hand... wanting me to hear His voice... wanting me to receive His affections... that is what He stood there last night wanting me to hear..... I was pushed.... chalk round one up for the enemy..... but even now in the writing... the whisper of His sweet voice... "do you think he actually won?"

I love the Lord's questions..... but I do so love His answers even better....

You see for weeks I had been feeling the coming of a push if you would.... for weeks I had felt the tension within ... for weeks it was like I was looking over my shoulder knowing and feeling something... feeling something so twisting and turning but nothing fully apparent... being stirred here and there but regaining peace and equilibrium within Him...... and then in a moment of what must have felt like a victory for the enemy's camp the push came ...

In my estimation... I would think he actually won that round but in sitting here I know my maker sees it differently..... and so to higher ground I go....

A weakness was allowed to be exposed.... it was already there... just covered up.... but more than that a toxin was already within.. an infection already existed.... that prayer.. "search me Lord and know me" had been prayed... "see if there is any wicked or hurtful way" and "lead me in the way everlasting...."

And that is what my most faithful Father was doing... in a moment full of pain and agony .. in a moment full of terror and horror... in a moment that was supposed to be beautiful a flash ... the reality of a past moment .. a different time.. a similar event but in no way really similar came flooding in.. jolting me to the core of that which I am.... holding back a scream... forcing myself to stand... telling myself over and over this is different an infected place was lanced open... not by the hand of my enemy but by the hand of my Father....

So there is no victory in the camp of the enemy.... there is none.... and while the poison and infection is still being dealt with as the morning approaches.... it is no longer inside.... and the antibiotics per se and that which the Lord is doing is taking place......

There was a push but it was into my Father's arms... not away.... and that is where I will stay and rest as He repairs my soul..................

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Stunning. it is worth questioning..it is worth the angst . the struggle. for moments like these when glimpses are granted... institution or Bride...

Upon my person I yearn for truth... within my heart I hunger for it to reach into the inner most places and I will grapple there and live within quandary and angst instead of receiving some silly false platitude....

For months and months I have lingered in this place of question... in this place of hunger... in this place of wondering if I was following some crazy rabbit trail or if I was pursuing that which the Father had placed before me...

Today I spoke with a friend and laid it at her feet to tell me if indeed I was crazy... that I was off track.. that I was pursuing something more akin to the child's fancy of a leprechaun or pot of gold then the heart beat of Father.... was I off base? Was I crazy for hungering for something that I couldn't even put words towards? Was I wanting something this side of eternity that would not even exist?

Thank heaven for trusted friends... for people who exist in ones life that there is no censoring with... where words and thoughts and emotions and fears and questions and all else can be exposed....

Within this friendship I am allowed to not have words... to stumble in trying to find them.. to falter... to fail.. to seek.... within this friendship I am given the grace that I know so deeply exists within Father's kingdom and within this friendship I am granted sight into the depths of freedom within love.....

Within the love that exists between my friend and I I am granted space to breath .. to be wrong... to be right... in the space of this relationship I am granted the most beautiful essential place a human can give another ... I am granted a placement of being me.... outside of my family .. within the place of this person I find myself and I find freedom to search out the Lord in a way that I know I will not be ashamed.... or found delusional....

In the freedom that this friendship gives me to question .. to speak.. to in an uncensored way feel my way towards truth... I have my found more of my footing this evening.. found more of my voice... had thousands of questions answered... and more than anything had confidence given....

Tonight after a conversation many hours ago I encounter the Lord in a way that was a very much ah ha moment.... and I smile ... for it isn't that profound... I stand by that which I have already written in other blog posts... there is nothing new under the sun.... so that which I have sought after isn't new... it isn't that others haven't even spoken far more eloquently upon the subject...

No it is so fundamentally just between me and the Father... and in again typical Mims fashion shared... Oh I will always share .. I will always be a free flowing fountain of anything He deposits... I love the place in Hinds Feet in High Places where Much Afraid is transformed and gives unabashedly of herself.... that is me.... I can not meter my affections out... I can not live a life that is safe or full of social propriety in any sense of the way or state of life...

so tonight as I sat in a rocking chair with my legs crossed underneath me .. not even seeking .. not even in a place of asking ... actually so much in a place of peace and settlement that the concerns of the months past weren't even upon my heart.....

Isn't that when most things happen... when we aren't even looking for them.. but boy have I knocked and knocked... rather than the revelation being profound it is the confidence that was birthed.... in what Father said to me .. in that which He spoke .. it was one of those moments where I would say that I will never be the same as I was prior to hearing those words in that moment...

Those words... that moment birthed within me a blind stare... a strength to run into unchartered territories unafraid.. .unafraid of sanity... or the lack there of... unafraid of what any of it might mean...

I'm not playing a game nor am I lingering within a place of suspense... I am just in awe and in love... absolutely fundamentally completely in love

So as I sat in my rocking chair with my legs underneath me... I saw it as clear as day... this is that which transpired..

There is a place where it is alright to acknowledge that there is an institution ... and yet there is a Bride... and there is a transition going on... a transition in all senses of the word .. in all that a transition is within a birth .. within a life.. disorienting... painful... etc etc

Institutions are run

Brides are lavished upon

Institutions have structure

Brides have relationship

Institutions have a rigid and regulated manner.. a list of rights and wrongs.. a heritage and culture and history... Of sensible practices and proven methods.. routines.. manners of behavior acceptable or detested... schemes and systems...

Brides have a fluidity and freedom and grace... an elegance and flow... Brides walk path blinded to all else except that which is before them.. their soon to be lover... their soon to be mate.... Brides have a path to walk upon... Brides have a way that they go... they have a destination.. and they have purpose.. a plan... but Brides are single minded and with undivided hearts they walk upon a path full of love and liberty and relationship

Dear Dear friend of mine.. you planted the seeds for this to come forward in my life... you speak truth and blessing and love and courage.. and confidence.. you give me the gift of me... you let me be me.. and for that I thank you with all that is within

Why it is ... why we do what we do....wondering the difference between preference.. arrogance.. entitlement .. culture

When in a non traditional church where the dress code is jeans and button down shirts or t-shirts and flip flops my friend who was raised in a church where suits and dresses were what was worn came dressed as such..... many questions were asked of him.... Crazy right... you would think that the very non traditional people would be the ones to say more than not hey come dressed in jeans... come dressed in a suit... come dressed ... :) but come....

You would think....

So often the stories go the other way.... I had no idea of the rights and wrongs of church culture when I was saved.... Saved by a visitation and for a while lacking another person to disciple me I wondered about these things.....

But here are the questions.... here is what I think about a lot these days....


I have been at conferences where upon the piece of paper they give you they forth right tell you leave the speakers alone... don't engage them in a conversation... if you pass them in the hallway don't interact with them... hhhhmmmm why? Do they have cooties.... ok I won't knee jerk into sarcasm here though it might be difficult...

Hey listen I do understand what it is to put on a conference and all the behind the scenes work... I do understand the exhaustion and the running here and there so that everything seems like it goes off without a hitch.... but in doing whatever people do there is going to be interaction with people of all sorts... and navigating those areas and thinking through those things are really upon my heart these days....

I've seen leaders of large ministries stay behind and minister and talk to and engage with people that have come to a class or a conference sometimes for hours .. to the point even dismissing the staff because they are doing what they do MINISTERING.....

I've seen leaders sit on stage away from the people... I have seen people sit off to the side and it is known that there might as well be roped off areas or a do not approach sign except it is well known that that is what is there even if it isn't stated....

Who are we? And why do we do what we do?

Jeans.... Suits..... hymnals.. scenes...... building... warehouse... school....
literally been thinking about these things so much lately...

wondering the difference between preference.. arrogance... entitlement... culture....

I have come to a place of deep appreciation for my roots mainly within two communities I learned titles do breed entitlement... and come as you ... and be you... I am so culturally wired to appreciate transparency and realness... lack of hype and pretense ...

So many thoughts around this topic swirl within my head... and so what do I do ... well, In typical Mims fashion I do two things... I call my really good friend who knows me oh so very well and who will tell me the truth and I pour out my heart and ask all my questions.... and that brings me to the second thing that I do... and that that friend points me to always.... ah there it is...even at the thought of that name a smile forms upon my face and a deep peace settles in my soul... Jesus... the perfect leader....

So....

Jesus... well... he rebuked the disciples for trying to keep the children away... if he was among people... he was truly among them... no roped off area... no seat away from the crowds... I'm not saying He didn't get away from the crowds but when He needed to be alone He went alone... but when He was with the people He was with them... gave His essence completely to them...

what am I going at here... what am I after... well this is that.... I don't ever ever think I will be able to ever hear a leader... pastor... whoever dismiss another human being... no matter what.... are there the needy souls who would drain the very life blood out of anyone... yes... are there the people who have no boundaries and assume that you don't either... yes.... I have heard the horror stories but sadly I have sat in meetings and been in hospitality suites and heard them mocked and dismissed as if they are not even regarded to be the child of God that they are.....

You see I have heard many of the sides of all of these issues... I have heard them and as one who has been in and around ministry experienced them... but as I see it Jesus took the time when He walked the earth.... and really the only people I see Him fully rebuke or dismiss are the religious.....

oh people I won't even touch the tip of the iceburg with this... but I this is something I must begin to ponder publically....

I want to be... oh no not just want... I need .. I truly need..... hunger for .. desire... to see manifested upon the landscapes of the earth the heart of the Father.... the heart of inclusion... the heart of affection and love and passion....

I don't even pretend to have any answers but I know this... I can't be satisfied by the systems or supposed rights or entitlements of man.... I know Jesus grew in favor with God and man and I do know that favor with man is a part of the coin... I do understand that.... I understand that favor with man has a part to play.... but right now... right now in my life... I can't focus on any of that... I can't care... I can't think about what it means to have or not have favor with man and I can't care about having favor with another human to the point that it would stop my questions... or render my heart's hunger and journey less than that which it needs to be...

I'm not looking to not be respectful or submitted but I am so very hungry for authenticity within all that I am... so wanting an authentic expression of my Father's heart... so hungry to see that which He wants and so desperate to see what it looks like.....

The shadow lands aren't just where they live ..... there are shadows in me awaiting His most glorious light... asking for the shadows to be removed

These last two posts haven't been written for the blog per se.... they are longer and have come from these times with the Father that have just been precious to me.... not categorizing the experiences for I know not how to.... but while language eludes me to express that which is happening I know Him and I know His desire to be made known......




Into the Shadow lands we venture.... things You wanted me to see....



For a good portion of the day I have sensed it right beside me..... caught glimpses of it and heard Your heart..... for a good portion of the day my being has been distraught in prayer as I want to capture Your heart...

The grayness.... the fog.... the lack of color... of life.... the absence of vibrancy and joy.... You startle me at times .. so often as of late.... the way You hunger to show... to share... to teach... to tell.... and yet there are times more often than not that I am wrecked by that which lays upon Your heart... by the way You see things... oh so different than my sight.... oh so true and so right .. but of course it is You and You always see that which is really there... but I ... I have lived in this world and am sadly of it more than I wish I were.... I realize that the way I perceive situations and reality has been tainted by the world view of man upon this place.....

Today was a stark realization of how I don't see and I don't perceive as You do and yet no condemnation exists just an invitation to see as You would and alter my world view... and in altering it... I am altered... aspects of life that I would give myself permission towards are viewed as truly less than that which I am called towards... nothing blatant ... not sin.... but lower choices.... not choosing life.... at times even choosing good but that is not where You have beckoned me to live.....

So those lands.... oh my .. my sweet Father... those lands .. that place... that which You shared has branded me... it truly altered me today... took my breath away .. made me hungry to live other.... struck me towards love and compassion.... has pulled me into prayer and had me watch those around me in such a different way....

A blah place for lack of better terminology ... but in lacking better language it almost fits the whole scenario perfectly.... there is nothing better about that place.... there is not pure light... there are buffers in every direction that protect the inhabitants from You.... or so they think.... willful and deliberate placements of walls and self protective measures to keep You at bay.... But nothing can separate us from Your love not even ourselves... and though they choose to live encapsulated within these self made prisons... Your eyes are ever upon them ... Your heart and Your affections ever being poured out over them....

So true are the words that we are all without excuse... for today I was shown how those living in darkness avoid the light... avoid seeing... distract themselves.. call the Light other things from that which it is... That there are those that ultimately will live in darkness for it is what they love... there are those that will ultimately choose darkness out of fear that their deeds will be exposed for that which they are....

As we stood there side by side and as I listened to that which You spoke of and watched how You see those walking around .. as You view those who have yet to turn towards You.. You turned towards me... and the tables turned as well.....

They live in shadows... and they don't know that which is being offered to them every moment of every day of their life.... but you, my child, you know and yet here and there and there and there... etc etc... there are shadows within you... there are places within you that you have yet to allow my light to fully penetrate... and when you live like that ... you live less than that which I have called for you to live

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Not a blog post per se...... excerpt from In My Father's House... exploring the rooms ... a journey He and I have been on ..

Standing alongside You upon the balcony looking out upon that which is Yours....



I couldn't have even ever dreamed up something as grand as You... I had no capacity of thought to believe that One so wonderful and so true and so full of grace and power and love would actually exist no less be my God... my Father..... I couldn't have comprehended that an almighty, all powerful, all knowing, all merciful Creator watched over me.... hungered after me... had given all for me.....

Not even an inkling resided within my being..... and yet all along You pursued and walked along side and held Your breath waiting for the day where my eyes would look up and acknowledge the gaze that was always upon me......

It startles my heart when I think upon all the misconceptions of You that exist ... a deep deep sadness fills my being when I think of You as You are and I think of the ways You have been portrayed and I think of the wonderment of Your being and know that so much has been misconstrued.... how much I lacked when I didn't see You and didn't know You as You are... but allowed my own mistaken beliefs and false perceptions to rule my days and my times....

Lack.... that truly doesn't even begin to describe the condition I was in.... and it isn't because of the story of my life .... it isn't because I didn't have... but in thinking that I had I thought wrong... and in thinking that I knew I was misled.... in thinking that I possessed that which I did I was delusional in the sense that I didn't see that which was actually surrounding me.... in thinking myself wise and my world view accurate I was a fool....

So I have felt this upon me for days now... and I so look forward to the writing of it.... I have felt the wooing of the Father to record our journey... to write about His heart... to speak upon that which He is and that which He desires..... He is so hungry... He is so absolutely hungry and in love.... so passionate that all would know Him as He is... so full of strength and desire... so holy ... so glorious... so magnificent... so mighty.... He is Father... so perfect... so absolutely perfect.... so other ....

A journey towards knowing Him and becoming more His.... I don't fear that I lose myself I only rejoice that in Him I actually find the most intrinsic picture of that which I am and as I dare to let go of my own preconceived notions of that which I thought I was I actually become the I that I was always meant to become.....

Sitting there with You.... silence filled the air and I just breathed it in ..... Your nature exuding forth from all that You are.... being saturated by Your presence and absorbing it into all my pores.... There is no other place like this.... there is no where I can manifest this sense of rightness on my own... but in You and around You it is solid and amazing.... In You and around You it goes forth and like an ever expanding galaxy it knows no end.....

Under its influence all must submit and all must bow.... under its influence... under Your influence I surrender and lay low and yet at the same time You beckon me to stand alongside as daughter... as beloved child.... the awesomeness of the moments that we have like this pour themselves into the deepest core of that which I am... created out of dust and yet bearer of the image of the very One whose desire called me forth into being......

I utterly adore these moments alongside You .... entrenched deeply into Your presence ... I learn what rightness feels like... I grow into understanding of that prayer so long ago taught... as it is in Heaven so let it be on Earth....

Your rule and reign know no end... and there is no doubt about where it is going or where it is headed... there are absolutes.... absolutes abound in that place..... and yet I learn and am awakened to the lack of rigid structure around those absolutes..... how many inconsistencies you allow to exist alongside one another because You are never in doubt... and there is no fear within You ever.... You know beginning from end and within the steps of the journey You have complete understanding and knowledge......

As I stand beside You ... I become reconciled to the fact that I am so small and so finite in my understanding... and yet so blown away by how graciously You pour out Your thoughts and Your ways and beckon forth the higher attributes that I can at any time walk within and live within and have my being within....

At times such solemn moments abound... We go forth from peaceful and joyful interludes to times where I sense the atmosphere around You change and in human terms a pensive solemn wonderment fills the air......

You rarely start there ... which in and of itself has me marvel at that which You are..... You most certainly always start with me in a place of deep and wonderful awe and affection... a place of peace and a place of delight and a solid place of such strength... then as You bring me more into that which You are You share with me Your heart and Your hunger.... I understand that I just could not bear it any other way... In my flesh and in my soul I would not have it within me to be able to share in Your affections and Your desires and Your hunger and Your sorrow..... without Your grace and without Your wooing into higher places that which You long to share would undo me.....

In this place with You I am awe struck.... of how full of affection You .. and how hungry You are to share Yourself..... Of Your desire for fellowship and friendship and relationship.... In this place I realize the difference between religious ascension to the truths of who You are and actually walking in places of friendship and relationship with You..... spirit to spirit communion with You has no counterpart in the flesh or the soul.... while in my own desire I can read Your word... and point myself to true North I can't enter into this place of communion without Your wooing..... I can't find my way here just by an act of my will.......

In this place I must fully submit and humble myself to that which You are and wait upon You and linger with You..... then stepping inside Your massive heart You share with me the treasures that are within.... I am linked to You ... tethered to You.... and Your very life flows in and through me and I truly cease to exist outside of You and it is Us.... and in this Oneness a beauty and abundance flows that words could never fully express and the human intellect could never fully comprehend without the grace which You supply in abundance......

In all that there is it begins and exists and ends with You... You give grace... You woo... You bring forth... You call into being.... You strengthen and You equip.... and so it takes the heart of one willing to walk the paradigm of free and separate individual creation and yet so utterly linked to Creator and creation beyond self.....

I am free to choose... I am free to neglect reality as it truly is... I am free to think upon anything I desire to think upon and yet in my freedom I am free to choose life and I am free to choose death.... and in those choices He has not the control ... I truly have ownership over that which I am... except I lay that down.... I want Him... I want His ways... I hunger for them more and more..... I walk that paradigm of knowing that He who knit me together... formed and fashioned for beauty ... uniquely placed within all that is me portions and parts of Himself that would not be demonstrated anywhere else upon creation....

There are aspects of Him that I am called to reflect upon this earth.... there is an image of that which He is that I and I alone bear... in the way that I would bear it.... and that is true for each of us.... we are called to mirror aspects of His greatness... and when we hoard them for ourselves and receive the treasures as a result of them unto our own person without giving Him the glory we are thieves and we are foolish to think that one day we won't be held accountable for our theft.....

You see I guess.. no I know... that I would rather relinquish any faulty notion of the concept that I belong to myself and that that which resides within me is of my own making..... I would rather be bearer of His image... there is nothing greater .. no occupation... no place... no stature.... greater than that.... that is the chief concept behind even the very reason I am I ... that I would know Him and I would love Him and that I would bring glory back to Him... for in reflecting the piece of Him that is mine to reflect I bring Him joy.. and I enter into Joy in ways I would not if I didn't venture into those places of submission.....

I am really not my own... there is no real truth to any statement that would say otherwise..... while I am free to make choices of whichever nature I so feel inclined to make ... I live in a state of less than that which I am if I choose other than Him... I live in a state of lack though I might have all wealth and all that I could ever desire... a state of lack and a state of less than is what I would operate in if I did not choose Him... His ways... They truly are higher than anything that operates or exists outside of life within Him....

In my Father's house..... revisiting my favorite place... how it was in the beginning.... the thousand days....

I remember the time where at the gate I stood.... you know the bible talks about a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day... and in that time it felt like I stood at that gate for a thousand years... stood and stared at the house... at the home... at that place where I knew He was..... I can feel the feeling of that metal in the palm of my hand as I held the gate and leaned against it and just looked and looked and looked.....


Ah in those days I wandered not even in the courtyard... though my inheritance was to enter in with boldness and confidence as a child coming home.... I played outside the gate... or just within it... but not much further....

Thinking upon those days I remember... I remember wanting to be in its presence but not wanting to get too close... but yet I couldn't leave either.....

I remember the day that I sat upon the stoop of the house... upon the stairs that led up to that great door.... and I just sat there... and again it was as if a thousand years would pass....

Until one day the door opened... and He would come and sit next to me..... I remember the silence that existed in those days... the air was thick... but nothing was said... I didn't even dare to look at Him.... but there we sat and again another thousand years must have passed.....

Then in one moment I turned my head as to look at Him... His presence had so warmed my soul that I wanted to see His face... the silence still existing between us... but I wanted to see Him ... I wanted to see His face.... well,.... with that one movement I was utterly and forever changed....

Keep my gaze upon you Father.... keep my heart in Your hand.... let us sit side by side for all eternity.... You in Your awesome and majestic and magnificent You and me created in Your image... bearing Your likeness... Yours.... sitting side by side and whether in silence or in the abundance of Your voice... I have been changed.... and am being changed... may I linger and live and abide there... always there... overshadow me .... I rest in You....

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Temperatures of water took me on a journey tonight that lead me to know that I am naked and blind... and wretched and poor

Think of it... really spend time thinking of it... oh I am so good at off the cuff saying that the values of God are something I have and want..... and the truth is that they really are what I want... but when you spend time actually thinking about some of these things.. they do take pause for consideration of that which we really are saying....


When one thinks about the concept of being hot or cold but not lukewarm... that's an interesting concept..... ever think of boiling water.... or freezing cold water that has ice in it and then thought of lukewarm water....

Let's go there for a minute.... our sons play sports... after a game (especially with our oldest) if there is an injury... not something huge but something sore.... my husband will have my son put the body part into a freezing cold tub of water/ice ... he does this to get to the issue of swelling and it really does work...but it is 15 minutes in and 15 minutes out and then 15 minutes back in.....

So it's bad enough the thought of the first fifteen minutes... our oldest son could tell you.... but what can be even worse is that second round of fifteen minutes after the body part has been out of the freezing cold water and is being placed back in....

What happens the body part is numb... truly numb.... but the fifteen minutes out of the water brings the pain not so much of the injury but of the what I would call defrost.... liken to being out on a cold winter day... toes .. well you stop feeling them because they are so cold... but when you come in and they start to thaw and warm up... ouch the pain...

Well think of boiling water.... I love a bathtub and I love it really hot.. but there have been times when I have run the water and then waited to get in and I've run it so hot that I can't even put a foot in... I have to wait and add cooler water just to be able to bare it....

So think lukewarm water.... ah... not too hot... not too cold.... just right... right? Temperature wise it is comfortable.... an aaaahhhh kind of feeling... that step into right away and immerse oneself in kind of water... the kind of water you can stay in... and linger in and get right into and ...well, you get the picture.....

Comfort... comfortable... hhhmmm

Or another way to look at it is this.... there are days I really like something hot to drink.... and yet after making myself a cup of coffee one of my children need something... so the coffee sits... and sits... and sits... well, by the time I get back to my coffee it is cooled down... lukewarm... not as desirable... or the opposite could be true as well... I make myself a truly cold drink... ice... refreshing cold drink... but it sits awhile and the ice melts and dilutes the drink and it is no longer as refreshing or cold it is just blah......

An interesting study this evening led me to some background information about the church of Laodicea .... in the article I was reading it spoke about how the town of Laodicea was both near the city of Hierapolis and the city of Colosse... well, Hierapolis had a natural hot spring and the water was used for medicinal purposes and the city of Colosse had springs where cold, pure water was abundant.... and Laodicea had neither.... their efforts to pipe in that water were actually successful however by the time it arrived it was lukewarm....

The text from the website, make straight paths, goes on to state.... that "According to this interpretation, Christ said that the Christians of Laodicea were like their own water, neither hot, like the spring in Hierapolis, nor cold, like that in Colosse, but tepid, foul, and disgusting.

Hot and cold water are both extremely useful, the one for cleansing, and the other for refreshing. The Laodiceans were neither healers nor refreshers; on the contrary, they spread spiritual disease. What disease was this? From the passage, it is clear that they believed that they were spiritually rich, when in fact they had gone bankrupt. They thought they could see, but they were blind. They thought they were healthy but they were corrupt. They thought they were fully clothed but they were naked."

As I have spent time this evening thinking upon these things and reading in further study my heart is fixed upon the aspect of the lukewarm water... while in one context it is what is comfortable... in another context it is neither here nor there.... comfort... being at ease.... is like that watered down drink that is no longer refreshing because the ice has melted or far from that hot cup of drink that one could wrap their hands around and enjoy....

In this world of comfort and ease ... where entertainment and distraction can keep us occupied ... in this world of data at the tip of our fingers and the ease of which we can obtain it... we can step into thinking that we know it all... I loved the research this evening ... I loved the quote about the how the Laodiceans thought that they were rich and spiritually knowledgeable and yet they were bankrupt...

That tears at my heart..... I don't want that... I don't want to be deceived into thinking that I have something to offer when I really don't.... to think that I could see but actually I am blind.... to think that I was healthy but be utterly corrupt or to think that I was clothed and actually be naked....

I end with the words from Brian Doerksen song, Light the Fire Again,

Don't let our love grow cold
Cause i'm calling out
Light the fire again
Don't let our vision die
I'm calling out
Light the fire again

You know my heart, my deeds
I'm calling out
Light the fire again
I need Your discipline
I'm calling out
Light the fire again

I am here to buy gold
Refined in the fire
Naked and poor
Wretched and blind I come
Clothe me in white
So I won't be ashamed
Lord, light the fire again

Oh Lord ... light the fire again.... I come wretched and blind... naked and poor but I ask that You would clothe me and heal me so that I won't be ashamed when I stand before you.....

Saturday, April 16, 2011

the beating of the drum sounded different but it was always said that I would march to the beat of a different drum... unexpected treasure found

There are times that I feel the trembling of all the sands around me and I leap from place to place looking for the Rock upon which to plant my feet..

Today as I cleaned up my son's room a book emerged that didn't even belong in there but I sat down on the floor and as it will sometimes happen within the page that was flipped to were words that sparked light into my soul... and I could almost see a wink in the Father's eye... as if on a day of knowing some cleaning had to happen that I would start in a certain room where a child had brought a book and placed it under the bed.... and it would be discovered.....

So in the book entitled, "Dare to Journey," which to me was just enough of a discovery... the compiler, Charles Ringma, uses the writings of Henri Nouwen in a stirring devotional....

And the page... well the title for the reflection was, A Different Drummer: Hearing the New in the Midst of the Old...

so this my friends is that.... fabulous book....

"Things therefore need to be changed, and tradition, at times, needs to be interrupted and transformed. However, it is one thing to see the cracks in the system; it is another to find meaningful and long-term solutions. Solutions seldom come from the bureaucrats. They are usually too committed to keeping the system going.

Solutions are more likely to come from visionaries. These people seldom hold center stage. They are more likely to be those living on the periphery. But to be marginalized-either by becoming involved in full-time ministry or by remaining in one's normal vocation but embracing servanthood and downward mobility- IS in itself NO guarantee of wisdom and insight. MORE is required.

Nouwen suggests that this "more" involves the practice of solitude and prayerful reflection and goes on to note that the contemplative life is like hearing a different drummer. He is right. In the practice of solitude we are able to dim the din of our world, and in prayer we are able to touch a wisdom that transcends our world.

This of course does not mean that everyone who contemplates will come up with the big solutions for our world. This may be the contribution of only the few. But it does mean that all who contemplate and have the audacity to put the sound of the different drummer into practice in their own lives are already changing the world."

So upon my journey I hunger to live a life so within the shadow of my Father that the beating of His heart is the drum I live my life towards..... knowing not much else but knowing Him... and knowing that He knows beginning from end... I continue to venture ..... continue to dare to journey as the title of that book so well states.....

I welcome the sting of transforming death.....

I often find myself wondering about many things as they pertain to that which I am... I wonder about how I define myself and am I living my life in accordance to those things that I most truly believe...

Then on any given day I am faced with questions.. internal ones and ones that I know originate from outside of me ... both from God and from the enemy of our souls....

When in seasons like these that I find myself in... my head swirls a bit and thoughts come and thoughts go and I wonder about oh so many things.... I begin to feel a bit off kilter... ( I have promised honesty... transparency... I haven't promised myself to paint myself in the best light... in the have it all together.. figured it out kind of way.... neat... clean.. tidy... folded up perfectly... hhhhmmmmm not me.... )

Where was I .... oh yes, Off Kilter... hhhmmm but emerging from these seasons which this one not so much have I emerged as am in neck deep and at times almost drowning.... I always find myself oh so grateful for the willingness within me to go to places within and wtihout to try and discover all that He would show me.....

These times... when it feels as if I am living in a snow globe world that has been shaken one too many times.... really truly are an undoing..... but as things settle and perspective is regained I emerge.... I emerge... no longer as the proverbial caterpillar but truly a completely other creature......

I wonder ... I truly wonder in those moments as the caterpillar within the cocoon is in the in between moments no longer caterpillar not yet butterfly... hhhhmmmmm...

I try to avoid those moments... I hate them as they exist in my life... I hate those moments of living not as a caterpillar and not yet as a butterfly... how totally discombobulating .... I do.. I try and avoid... and yet they come and I realize who I am... I can't but welcome them.... I can't but embrace them..... I can't live anything other than from grace to grace....

I can't care what I look like or what perceptions of me exist .... I do care... because I feel inside the insanity of these moments of the already and not yet... but I can't care enough that I don't venture there... that I don't look up and beyond the cocoon and realize that I will no longer be a caterpillar and that which I am becoming hasn't been shown to me yet... but as long as it is more like Him and less like me .. than I welcome the sting of transforming death....

So letting go of the what was... and completely blinded to the what will be ... I walk on a path that I do not see ... and a way that I do not know... trusting that the One that is the Way knows perfectly well how to lead me into all that He has....

I have to go there... I have to journey towards places ... I have to answer with my life the what ifs... what if we were to try... what if we were to believe... what would it look like.....

No answers... really none... thoughts.. ideas... dreams... but no answers.... hunger.... desire... and questions.... that is what I possess... and a belief that He who calls me is capable of setting the path and even if in my attempts to find the way forward I fail... well then even in that He is able to teach and grow.... I can't be afraid of the unknown.... I have to walk there....

Friday, April 15, 2011

a child should be conceived and then nine months later born... but that isn't always the case and when it doesn't happen it leaves its mark....

Many times it takes having someone look at situations in a different way to bring forth understanding.... Such a moment happened for me this evening... A good friend had me think upon our youngest daughter... the last child... A good friend had me remember tonight about the journey that brought her to us and the path that we had to walk...

A prophetic word had been given to us back in the year 2000 after we had had four children ... it included words for those yet to come... two yet to come.... and with Elizabeth it would be those words that would bring courage... that would bring strength... that would bring hope...

So in our journey to complete our family... in our journey to have our sixth child we would loose three pregnancies.. three babies.... in our journey to have Elizabeth we lost three children whose fingers we would never count.... whose laughter we would never hear... whose face we won't behold upon this earth in the physical ....

My friend walked with me through those years of loss.... of becoming pregnant only to miscarry.... time after time after time....... my friend walked with me actually sat with me on my sofa when pregnant with Elizabeth (just barely) fear was trying to grab a hold... my friend was bold enough with me to tell me to embrace the pregnancy and not live in fear... Today it was the same friend who called my attention to my now two year old sweet Elizabeth.. and in light of what that journey was it bore light onto the path of these current days.....

I was pregnant with other babies... babies that won't turn two or three or four... and as it is in the natural the spiritual realities are just as painful to the soul... There have been opportunities that I was actually a part of ... things that were meant to happen ... births... lives.... times that were to be one way and for lots of reasons weren't... the miscarriage of those times still can press into my soul and bring fear....

Bring fear in such a way that I look at the "pregnancies" of today and am concerned... concerned about loss... afraid to grab a hold of those things in my path very much in the same way I was afraid to enjoy Elizabeth's pregnancy.... would she be ok? Would I ever get to hold her? Would I ever see her face? Would I ever get to know her? If I let myself care about her and the pregnancy and I lost her would I ever be able to breathe ever again? Would I ever be able to try ever again.....

Today my friend helped me see the fear that lays itself at my feet... I have seen things fall apart... I have seen things not happen in the way that they should have... a child should be conceived and then nine months later born... but that isn't always the case and when it doesn't happen it leaves its mark....

But when it does there is joy.... there is life... there are dreams fulfilled .... I can live in fear.... or I can live in hope .... I can choose to love and live and walk or I can be paralyzed by the reality that there are times hope is deferred and it is painful....

In it all ... in life and in death.. in times of growth.. in times of lack.... in times of understanding and vision or in times of confusion... the one thing that I cling to ... the one place I can find peace is in the cool of His shadow... when all rages and peace seems so far away... I can bring that distance as if it were nothing... its choice and perspective... what am I going to believe and what am I going to give room to..... fear or faith... life or death....

I want to live and journey into the places where questions linger and answers don't always abound.... I don't want to be hindered by fear.... and yet I realize I don't always have the faith and there are times were familiar shores look so very inviting.... but I can't be anything other then that which I am.... and so even after miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage... I risked to think that we might actually have another live birth... and her toes I get to count and her giggle I get to hear....

Whatever vision ... whatever path... whatever whatever is.... I have to go there... I have to believe that no matter how many times things fall apart or don't happen I have to believe that wherever it is and whatever it is... that which the Lord wants to bring forth will come forth.... it might look different... each baby would have... it will be different... but there will be a day where the horizon will be seen and walked into and to that day I venture.....

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

All I am settles as Your presence fills the room

Your tenderness towards me causes all that I am to settle... Laying in the embrace and warmth of Your love changes me every time... Into the core of all I am Your generosity of affection pours abundantly over and into me and I'm settled and surrounded by peace...


There is nothing like when the room becomes saturated in your presence and the air becomes heavy with the joy of Your being manifesting ....  


All stand in awe of the affections You pour out upon Your creation...  And I lay still with You and forget all else.... At the impact of your touch upon my flesh I lose composure and the depths of my being settle into the divine sweetness 


I never want to move from this place,... In all my comings and goings ... Teach me how to carry forward into life surrounded by You as in this moment...


Oh my sweet sweet Lord Your affections overwhelm me and I am made complete by your presence, your smile, your embrace..... Your tenderness and gentleness and kindness ... Your person... 


Thank you dearest Lord for loving me ever so well

Monday, April 11, 2011

Questioning continues... Pathways towards Discovery Part 2

Whether it is prophetic utterance being spoken about future things.... words of encouragement being spoken over another's soul and spirit.... words of knowledge speaking those things that aren't known by the speaker into the heart of the hearer..... There is a flow of life and liberty that come that I just can't walk away from.... but I can't be satisfied either.....I can't be satisfied with where I am and I can't be satisfied with what I see... I can no longer not ask the questions of myself and of others and of God....

What is genuine? What is man? What is the flesh? What is the spirit? Where is He going with this? How more do we fine tune delivering words in a way that fully captures His heart and expresses His intentions without adding our own?

How do we separate culturally acceptable practices within prophetic communities from that which is God to that which is just a culturally acceptable thing? What ones are ok? What ones aren't? What do we really want to call prophetic? What do we want to call training?

What steps are ok? What vagueness do we allow as we are being matured into that which we will become? What is the demand of accountability with the things we say... the things we prophesy... the things we speak over the lives of people who God loves?

What about our own lives? Our own relationships with God? Are we pushing them to be vital and filled daily with Him or are we on neutral? Do we pursue God just for revelation or do we pursue God PERIOD!?!?!

I believe the most mature prophetic will develop as we actually don't seek it... I have seen it in my own life... as I lay aside questions and these times of pondering and walk away time and time again and walk towards Him... walk towards Him and live my life in Him and melt into Him and desire Him....

THEN OF COURSE I KNOW ... I know Him!!! I know what is on His heart!!! I see those that are around me with His eyes and His heart and His desires for them... and that is what I want to grow into..... Him... I want to grow more into Him and into love and into the revelation of how loving He is to all those that surround us.......

The most prophetic act and utterance that will ever be made is our lives being lived in love and in Him and our eyes seeing what is on His heart and our hearts being torn by the things that tear at His....

Oh God may it be so in my own life... may it be so in me.... may I not seek knowledge to be puffed up but so to edify those around me... may I not see anything in the spirit that would make me think that in seeing it I am special... I AM SPECIAL... not because I see.. hear.. know.. experience.. I AM SPECIAL because He declares it to be so.. and He declares it to be so to those around....

It is a revelatory thing and a powerful thing to speak into the heart of a person and discover the treasure there and speak those things that God wants His people to hear..... It is an incredible reality to know Him and make Him known.... It is such a gift and such an incredible opportunity that we must take....

I have to go and even if I falter and fail and fall I must go... I must know Him as much as He will let Himself be known.. I must love Him with all that I can muster within me to do so... I must surrender all to Him because anything else just doesn't work.. but I must journey here... I can do no other thing... Him and His ways.. and the way He moves and acts and demonstrates who He is....

I don't seek the signs and the wonders for themselves... I don't want to do that.... But there are things He states that should follow me that aren't following me now and as His ... as His daughter I must close the gap in my own life... I must ask the questions and pursue Him in all matters and not settle until His presence is fully upon my days and my times.....

It is who I am.. it is who we all are... His.... whether we receive those truths or not.. we are His... and upon this journey I must move into more questions... into a place where answers don't seem to easily abound.... But I must go here.. there... I need to know Him more and be settled into Him more and nothing else will satisfy...

What does it really mean to be a Christian as Jesus meant it? Not as culture or religion would pigeon hole me.... What does it really mean to live as His? And how? Truly how do I do that day in and day out while I walk this earth? I can't settle for nothing less ... no mediocrity... no complacency..... no status quo... I have to push... right now I don't even know what I pushing forward to but I have to push... and I can't easily dismiss the discrepancies any more ..

Under His shadow do I journey... into a place I know not... holding His hand .. looking into His eyes.. surrendering myself... to know Him and His ways and live as He would have me live... I've been ruined time and time and time again.. I've been ruined and made hungry... and now I stand waiting for the promise that those that hunger shall be made full................

the flip side of the coin.... while abuses can be flagrant... When it is good.. it is so very good... On a path to discovery... Part 1

There is one thing that fills my heart and my mind... my soul and my thoughts..... for weeks and months now..... I sit ... I wonder.... I think upon... I question... I research... I angst over..... for months now I have thought about and thought about and thought about ....

I want to more fully grasp the aspect of prophetic and revelatory things.....

Not too long ago I wrote an article that caused a good amount of dialogue..... I am not afraid of the dialogue... it actually is what I am pushing for..... I entitled that article, The Tyranny of the Prophetic, not casually ... not without thought to you... to me... but because that phrase had bumped around inside me for weeks......

But now.... now as I push upon boundaries and territories.... and seek God.. and hunger to push in even more to Him on these issues... I am filled with the desire to communicate why I love... why I absolutely love and believe in the way God moves and manifests and operates within the body of believers as it pertains to prophetic things.....

I have just seen it work too many times ... I have just seen people's expressions and faces and lives change as they interact with a healthy prophetic ( and yes those two words CAN exist together) ... I have watched as people had confirmation be given to them... I have seen how dreams were strengthened within others as words of knowledge and encouragement filled the air and settled upon them....

I was at a new age expo ministering.... and a lady came into the booth.... she had her glasses on and it wasn't that she was skeptical ... it was that she was learned... she was extremely educated in topics such as metaphysical reality and other world religions and counterfeit spiritual ideas..... I knew to engage her in conversation would have us spinning and end up being a waste of time... But she came to us.... I sat down with her... she kept her sunglasses on .... and yet as I started to minister to her... I could hear the words of Father speaking tenderness over her... and so I started blessing her with a spirit of tenderness... speaking into her being that her creator adored her and longed to be gentle with her and the time spent together kept going...

At one point she lowered her glasses... and as tears fell upon her face .. she looked at me and said, "if there was one thing I needed ... if there was one thing in the spirit that I need... It is tenderness...." AH... and Father knew...... and my heart had learned to be tuned into that which He speaks..... simple.. and yet profound... life changing.... sweet... beautiful display of the affections of the Lord for His own...

I guess that very simply that is what it is... a heart and a being... a person being tuned to the frequencies of heaven and to the voice and dialogue that exist there..... to the fact that the Father obviously knows all things and He speaks and communicates those things.....

while many times we get it wrong or add our own flare to it... it is worth the discovery... it is worth the journey... it is worth the baby steps and the mishaps to get to where we must go... where I must go...

To know God... to make Him known.... to do so in a very real.. non hype way... that is what I am after... that is my passion.... His heart... His expression.. His revelation... Him... Jesus... Father.. Spirit.... how desperately do I ache for Him and all that He reveals

I must demand of my soul to be settled in that which I know

There is something pulling on me this evening.... and yet I am tired.. and full of my own .. and lacking clarity... for hours having attempted to put this or that down upon the proverbial paper of the screen in front of me....

There is a fog that covers the path so deep and so dense that I can't even see my own foot.... or hand even if it were in front of my face... there is a storm upon a sea and even the understanding that He is asleep in the bow feels elusive to me in these early morning hours.....

There are things I know about Him that demand my soul rest .... there are things I believe about Him that call forth an understanding to rise up and take dominion over that which is my own soul.... there are realizations about the temporal nature of things of this life that lay their claim upon my heart and exert their truth upon my being and require of me to settle down into the peace that passes all understanding...

Do I see Him or do I see circumstances? Do I boldly push through the crowd to touch His garment or do I timidly shrink away allowing doubt and concern to manifest and proclaim victory? In moments that keep me awake... do I allow sleep and rest to be lost or do I know that He grants sleep and restores souls and causes rest for those that He loves?

I see faces of strangers and places I'm walking and things I'm doing and I acknowledge that I know not oh so many things.... I feel like the one walking in the most dense of fogs upon not even a path but through a thick wood... stumbling over the undergrowth while toes bump against this rock and that boulder.....

What leads me there into all the unknowns is a sense ... a pull .. that if I were not to go I would perish... but yet in going I feel like a bewildered child lost in a store unsure of where the safety of my parent resides.... The capacity to breath comes and goes.. the courage to step forward does the same... there is no understanding of even where there is but just that vague sense that there is a there and that I must go.....

Within these places... within these moments there lies the opportunity to hold fast to that which I know...

within these moments there lies the opportunity to be swallowed up by the questions or to boldly exist within the lack of answers knowing full well that I can most certainly trust the One who could answer all of those questions and more at any moment.....

I go because I have to...

I silence the questions because I must...

I stumble and fall and trip and stumble and fall and trip forward because forward is the only direction that I can allow myself to journey ....

I can't be comfortable within the harbor...

I must trek out towards the unknown shores....

and when in the middle somewhere between the two I doubt my landing spot I can but only look to the truest of Compasses and demand of my soul to be settled in the knowledge of Him....

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Literally out of gas.... an obvious lesson well what started out as an obvious lesson took a rabbit trail... literally... follow the white rabbit....

So it had been lit up all day... but I kept thinking one more thing.. one more thing... and in all honesty I was tired and I didn't feel like standing at the pump and I have pushed the car (not literally) but I had pushed it before and thought I could get home... well, not even a full two miles from home the car drifted to a stop... and it was eleven o'clock...

Now there are so many things in the natural and please I have argued with God about even writing this... THIS my friend's does feel so cliche ..... but you know what sometimes it takes the obvious...

I really don't even feel like I have to draw out the lesson... it isn't profound ... it isn't complex.....

God lights things up for us all the time that we dismiss because we are busy thinking I have one more thing to do and then I will get around to doing that..... then we get tired or even lazy and before we know it on our journey to our destination we peter out ... and the worst part is when it happens...

I hate the obvious prophetic statements... cliche... cliche.. cliche... but we ran out of gas in the eleventh hour...

I know better.. Jim is traveling... he is away... it was FOOLISH on my part to not get gas... uhm... story ... foolish or wise... hhhhmmmm ... I was foolish .. I wasn't diligent... I was tired... I was busy... blah blah blah..... excuses.....

Get alone with God... refuel.... especially in this time.... focus....

I don't know who the you is... and this is so very general so I am not even saying this is a word of knowledge... I will say it is a push upon my heart to share this .. and I believe it is from God.. but in saying that it could unless as I write it He gives me more.. it could be for every single one of us... I am at a place that unless there is specific detailed accurate revelation I will no longer call it prophetic for myself... I just won't... not a commentary on what others are doing but for me... for me I have to leave infancy... I have to leave toddlerhood.. I have to leave childhood... I must venture into the more .. the already and the not yet... I have to find my way through this...

A long introduction to say this.....

There are things that you know... there are things that you feel... (praying for specifics about those things right now as to help any who are reading this so pray with me.. I know.. I know by the time you are reading this I will be done writing it but time is a weird concept anyway and hey you never know... not getting into that right now)

There are specifics that you are wondering about... specifics about direction... specifics about people... specifics about who to do things with and who not to do things with and what direction to go and where to go and where not to go.... this is not just for leaders.... it is for all of us... there are things pressing upon the human soul... follow the rabbit ... I am thinking of alice in wonderland right now.. but follow the rabbit away from the party ... away from obligation.... away from what is expected.... the what is expected will only lead to death.. entrapment.. it is not life... find your muchness again... find your step... dare.. risk ...jump... follow the rabbit away from the parties of the elite... from the false weddings... from the all cleaned up and appropriate ....

You are feeling it... now I'm thinking of the matrix movie where in the very beginning he was searching for that which he didn't even know existed but it wouldn't let him alone... I just wrote an article of the invitation....

There are invitations at your door... HERE IT IS... my goodness stop ignoring it... you are seeing the path... you are seeing it..... but you keep questioning (again the vagueness of this still borders on not prophetic to me... but on psychology.. but take it as encouragement than and step out ... step out ... step out)

My prayer right now is that for all that read this and for all this resonates with that over the course of the next week those things that you have either dismissed or just thought were you or have wandered about would be very specifically confirmed by another person..... or by God directly....

Again I in no way shape or form call any of this prophetic.. I just won't any more .. it wasn't specific enough but seriously ... step out... fill up... in this the eleventh cliche as it is hour... don't run out of gas right as you are so very close to home.....

The Invitation...... the drive up the vertical path..". the road that is not there"

Ok... In writing this I in no way state any expertise on the subject.... but I had mentioned it in one of the sacred cow articles and tonight felt pressed upon to write a bit more on it.... This isn't a theological stance nor is it meant to be a full teaching on the subject... it is more merely the reflections and thoughts of having walked with God for two decades and seen this come about more times than I would care to mention....

I would think that the push to write this is that there are invitations out there that many are sensing and wondering about and I would like to wonder together..... wonder out loud... you know me by now if you read any of these ... that the one thing that I would never steer away from is conversation... dialogue... attempts to figure things out together....

Within the Bible the one story that jumps out at me that fits within the dialogue that I wish to have is the Israelites ... Egypt.... the promise land... 40 years... a generation dying off .... INVITATION....

There was a genuine invitation... go spy out the land... it is yours... go and look at it.. I am giving it to you... but then ... we all know the story.... 10 said no... 2 said yes... and it was 40 years wandering before purposes and intentions could go forward....

I've seen this on much much smaller scales and this aspect of life with God frightens me.... for myself... for others....

His plans in the long run could not be thwarted but ... and this is a huge point... BUT a whole generation that had seen the acts and deliverance of God would never step foot into the promises that they had received..... they would die in the wilderness.....

I don't want to die in the wilderness.... I don't want fear or regret... I don't want to wander around and look at the horizon and wonder about the what ifs.... what if I had been bold enough... brave enough.... had enough faith...

I have seen and felt what the missing of an invitation feels like.... I have lived years with this aimless waiting upon my person... and when I sought God about things I wondered about ... I sadly realized that I was living through a season of missed opportunities..... I was living through a season of a missed invitation.... and it was as a wilderness......

Now I used my wilderness times to learn what it is to lean... but there was a danger amidst them for a heart to be made hard.... while I don't lean perfectly I attempt to lean much more these days than I ever have.... I just don't want to say anything but yes to an invitation from God....

There are so many aspects to this that one could venture down... and I just slightly open the door at this point to open discussion...

It is painful... it is painful because there are several aspects of this that one has no control over...

what do I mean?

There were two spies that said this is doable and it is doable now... and while the forty years brought to pass growth and maturity into them ... taught them about the wilderness.... they wandered with those who had said no to the invitation..

I think the wilderness teaches many things...

one of the things it has taught me is that I would rather face the giants then wander... I would rather see God move on my behalf and move forward than live in limbo....

I would rather make the scary decision to try than to default into safety....

God provides either way... the nation truly did wander in the wilderness ... they were fed and they lived lives in the wilderness and they died in the wilderness....

I would rather die fighting in the promises of God than die in the sands of the desert staring off at the horizon of a land that was mine but I never walked in...

I have lived seasons in bewilderment because of invitations not heeded .. times have had to come and go... seasons have had to pass....

Yes... there are giants in the land.... yes there are unknowns ... yes there are roads not traveled.... my friend recently had a dream and (please forgive me friend for I don't know if I will write this right) in the dream for my friend to get to the place she was to go she had to look at the road that was not there ... How does one do that... look at the road that is not there... but you know what? When she shared that I got it.... and it resounded so deeply within me.... The road was steep ... straight up and she was to drive up it in her van.... but to do so she needed to look at the road that was not there.....

Lewis and Clark have been in my mind and my wonderings much these days.... they had no road.... they had no path... they made it.... the road that is not there..... that is the invitation .... right now... I don't know what it means... I don't hold back and I don't tease.... revelation isn't for that... I simply only know in part... but this part... this looking to the road that is not there yet... is crucial... it is crucial...

I would rather die in the promised land fighting the giants ... holding fast to that which God said and says then go one more lap in the wilderness..... I just can't do any less any more.... thank you dearest friend for sharing your dream for it is life and liberty and here is to toasting with you to the road that is not there yet... I look to her (the road that is not there)... I look to Him ( God who always is)... I look with you ( my dearest friend and all)... here is to the drive up the vertical