I welcome the sting of transforming death.....

I often find myself wondering about many things as they pertain to that which I am... I wonder about how I define myself and am I living my life in accordance to those things that I most truly believe...

Then on any given day I am faced with questions.. internal ones and ones that I know originate from outside of me ... both from God and from the enemy of our souls....

When in seasons like these that I find myself in... my head swirls a bit and thoughts come and thoughts go and I wonder about oh so many things.... I begin to feel a bit off kilter... ( I have promised honesty... transparency... I haven't promised myself to paint myself in the best light... in the have it all together.. figured it out kind of way.... neat... clean.. tidy... folded up perfectly... hhhhmmmmm not me.... )

Where was I .... oh yes, Off Kilter... hhhmmm but emerging from these seasons which this one not so much have I emerged as am in neck deep and at times almost drowning.... I always find myself oh so grateful for the willingness within me to go to places within and wtihout to try and discover all that He would show me.....

These times... when it feels as if I am living in a snow globe world that has been shaken one too many times.... really truly are an undoing..... but as things settle and perspective is regained I emerge.... I emerge... no longer as the proverbial caterpillar but truly a completely other creature......

I wonder ... I truly wonder in those moments as the caterpillar within the cocoon is in the in between moments no longer caterpillar not yet butterfly... hhhhmmmmm...

I try to avoid those moments... I hate them as they exist in my life... I hate those moments of living not as a caterpillar and not yet as a butterfly... how totally discombobulating .... I do.. I try and avoid... and yet they come and I realize who I am... I can't but welcome them.... I can't but embrace them..... I can't live anything other than from grace to grace....

I can't care what I look like or what perceptions of me exist .... I do care... because I feel inside the insanity of these moments of the already and not yet... but I can't care enough that I don't venture there... that I don't look up and beyond the cocoon and realize that I will no longer be a caterpillar and that which I am becoming hasn't been shown to me yet... but as long as it is more like Him and less like me .. than I welcome the sting of transforming death....

So letting go of the what was... and completely blinded to the what will be ... I walk on a path that I do not see ... and a way that I do not know... trusting that the One that is the Way knows perfectly well how to lead me into all that He has....

I have to go there... I have to journey towards places ... I have to answer with my life the what ifs... what if we were to try... what if we were to believe... what would it look like.....

No answers... really none... thoughts.. ideas... dreams... but no answers.... hunger.... desire... and questions.... that is what I possess... and a belief that He who calls me is capable of setting the path and even if in my attempts to find the way forward I fail... well then even in that He is able to teach and grow.... I can't be afraid of the unknown.... I have to walk there....