There is a sense of sorrow that fills the space that surrounds me and I can faintly hear a song of mourning upon the stillness of the air. Its lingering presence saturates the atmosphere and calls out for attention. It is as in the days of old when a funeral dirge filled the streets of a kingdom lost or forsaken. A slow sorrowful song of lamentation coming forth from a heavy heart burdened with knowledge. The agony of loss.
In my times of longing to love God in the way that He would so desire of me I have come and shared and journeyed towards and entered into His heart. I have come as a daughter. I am many things to Him but in this time and in this place I am a daughter. I have been beckoned to His side to share with Him a moment that is full of the realities of the spirit. Sitting next to Him at the footstool of His great throne I rest my head upon His leg and allow the fullness of the moment to saturate all that I am. I turn my body and place my hand on His knee as heaving sobs fill my chest. Without His grace I would be shattered by the moment.
He then stands and I look up towards His towering frame. The room illuminating in wonder. The silence of such a majestic room is more eerie than wonderful, I realize that I cannot and do not comprehend this moment that He has chosen to share with me.
Tears fill my eyes and all of a sudden my chest is filled with cold shivers making it very difficult to catch my breath. I tremble. My lips quiver. I sit. Wondering what it is that is next. What will happen? What is about to occur? What is He wanting to share with me? He steps down off the platform from which His throne is placed and beckons me to walk with Him.
A hand reaches out from His side and draws me up and close. I turn and beyond further than my eye can see is an aisle stretching out before us and to our sides there are columns upon columns. Light as thick as fog fills all that surrounds me.... its purity sparkling. Dazzling. I breath it in and it fills my very being.
It steadies me.
I am standing beside the one who knows all things and whose finger brought all things to bare and whose voice spoke all things into being. There are no words to describe how small I am and though I would say seemingly insignificant His presence bars even the faintest notion of that from being true.
How can His chosen be insignificant.
How can the passion of His heart not be meaningful....
There is nothing about me that is insignificant.
My Father has taken my arm and begins to walk me down the aisle. The realization that this moment is about His passion for the ages slowly dawns on me and I steady myself with an intake of oxygen. In the sparkling breath of the moment and upon His grace an understanding of that which is transpiring merges with my soul.
He is my Father journeying towards a moment, He has held within Him for longer than there are words to express the length of time. As clarity fills my being I rise to the stature that He is beckoning me towards. I am His daughter whom He loved and whom He created and fashioned for Himself so that I could be made and transformed into a gift.
A gift for a Son who was waiting .... waiting beyond the columns... beyond the room.... beyond that which I could see....... Upon His arm,my Father's arm, I am to walk... I am to journey..... towards a moment.... a spectacular, fantastic, brilliant moment ..... the glimpse of which serves to steady me and form clarity in the depths of all that I am..... I am the object of His affections..... and marked upon the calendars of eternity a day will arise when all Heaven awaits the words..
"I Do."
The Bridegroom and the Bride in each other's presence ... The mysteries revealed..... The chimes of Heaven bursting forth with glorious sounds.................... The Spirit and the Bride say Come!!!!!
I entered into this vision of sorts not comprehending where it was taking me...... but slowly dawning upon me understanding came and I sit here in this moment in awe of God......
I know the sorrows that were deep and real are those that He holds within Himself...... a lost and dying people...... the sadness of which knows no end.... The compromise and falsehood that fill His Earthly dominion..... If He were to walk upon the Earth there would be many an upturned temple....... There is a solemnness within these moments that we need receive.... a serious correction of ways.... an understanding that time is short and that which we could once get away with and do ... we should no longer even try...........
The sadness of the moment is fleeting for it will give way to a moment so great and so fantastic that there is nothing on Earth that could even begin to prepare us for it...... except however our choices.... who we choose to be in this hour... who we choose to be in this hour is of great importance.....
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Life Outside The Rut.....
I have come to a place lately where I have learned how to jump. Not jump rope. But just jump! I had thought I had come to a dead end. Truly, I could not perceive what the next season of my life entailed. I had settled into the idea that it was time to focus even more on the kids and make their dreams come true. (Well, to the best of my abilities.) That is not a bad focus. Nor has it passed away. That is still very much a desire upon my heart of hearts. Still a very important focus of my life.
Except when I "settled" into that thought I was settling. It was the easiest thought for me to have. It was convenient. It was comfortable. It was safe. It seemed and looked on the outside like a great goal. Yet there was more to be had.
How many times as an adult do we stand up and look around and see the rut that we are walking in? Well, I hadn't for a long time. I had my comfort areas.. my family, my groups that I belonged to, my ideas, my stuff...... There were not many areas in my life that were open to criticism or feedback.
Then one day I thought about my oldest son and how he puts himself out there on a continuous basis. On the football field, on the wrestling mat, in school, in life, etc.... Constantly being graded. Constantly being accessed by peers and coaches. I thought about him and his life and thought about the daily risks that he incurred. Something in me was stirred.
Before I knew it I was back in school... before I knew it I was reaching out and asking permission from various sources to allow me to enter into their worlds. I was leaving my rut behind. I had jumped the embankment. I am never going back!
I am now a student again. Submitting assignments for grades and opinions. I am now pursuing writing like I haven't in a very long time. Receiving feedback and constructive criticism. I am becoming more the photographer that I always wanted. Submitting photos into groups for instruction and helpful hints. I am linking with groups that I have never met before and meeting all sorts of new people. It is not easy but it is wonderful.
I had grown comfortable in my rut. The people I knew that knew me and liked me (for the most part..smile), day in and day out my life was predictable..... safe.....
Now there are moments where I swallow hard. As I enter a new situation and as I meet new people I find myself taking a deep breath and taking one step forward at a time...... Opening myself up to rejection, criticism, critique.... I am loving the adventure... My school. My new projects. My new friends.
So think about it..... have you joined a new group lately? Can you walk into every situation in your life and be known? Think about it... there were years in my life where that was the case. And I was more than comfortable. I would meet new people but within my circles. So I had the cushion of introducing myself within the context of my surroundings. Try doing that when that isn't the case. Go to something completely new.... Somewhere where you aren't known at all..... walk in that place.... It was interesting to realize how much I had relied on the rut. But I am LOVING living out of it!!! The rut well it was what it was.... this ... this is truly living.....
Except when I "settled" into that thought I was settling. It was the easiest thought for me to have. It was convenient. It was comfortable. It was safe. It seemed and looked on the outside like a great goal. Yet there was more to be had.
How many times as an adult do we stand up and look around and see the rut that we are walking in? Well, I hadn't for a long time. I had my comfort areas.. my family, my groups that I belonged to, my ideas, my stuff...... There were not many areas in my life that were open to criticism or feedback.
Then one day I thought about my oldest son and how he puts himself out there on a continuous basis. On the football field, on the wrestling mat, in school, in life, etc.... Constantly being graded. Constantly being accessed by peers and coaches. I thought about him and his life and thought about the daily risks that he incurred. Something in me was stirred.
Before I knew it I was back in school... before I knew it I was reaching out and asking permission from various sources to allow me to enter into their worlds. I was leaving my rut behind. I had jumped the embankment. I am never going back!
I am now a student again. Submitting assignments for grades and opinions. I am now pursuing writing like I haven't in a very long time. Receiving feedback and constructive criticism. I am becoming more the photographer that I always wanted. Submitting photos into groups for instruction and helpful hints. I am linking with groups that I have never met before and meeting all sorts of new people. It is not easy but it is wonderful.
I had grown comfortable in my rut. The people I knew that knew me and liked me (for the most part..smile), day in and day out my life was predictable..... safe.....
Now there are moments where I swallow hard. As I enter a new situation and as I meet new people I find myself taking a deep breath and taking one step forward at a time...... Opening myself up to rejection, criticism, critique.... I am loving the adventure... My school. My new projects. My new friends.
So think about it..... have you joined a new group lately? Can you walk into every situation in your life and be known? Think about it... there were years in my life where that was the case. And I was more than comfortable. I would meet new people but within my circles. So I had the cushion of introducing myself within the context of my surroundings. Try doing that when that isn't the case. Go to something completely new.... Somewhere where you aren't known at all..... walk in that place.... It was interesting to realize how much I had relied on the rut. But I am LOVING living out of it!!! The rut well it was what it was.... this ... this is truly living.....
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Magical Moments on Earth and Heaven
I took the time to wonder about my new paths today. I don't know what they hold. I don't even know why I fully began to pursue all these things. All I know is that they came upon me and I began to walk them out. I took steps on a path that presented itself and now I am more alive. Passions of mine and possibilities of life that I never pursued like this before are at my doorstep. I just want to make sure that the main things stay the main things. Must put up a list somewhere that I see all day or throughout the day in order to just make sure that every once and a while I am resetting things straight. Loving God and loving people... My husband and kids come first in the category of loving people. Their home lives must be magical..... days filled with laughter and quiet moments... yes, that is it.... that is what I will write somewhere and post it in my home several places.... HOME MUST BE A PLACE OF MAGICAL MOMENTS... Laughter and Quiet times together A MUST!!!! I perk up as I read that.... so that is what I will do !
As I dropped off Caspian tonight and headed to pick up Rebekah and Gideon from the barn a V of birds flew over head. There is a story attached to that picture for me... a very moving one and it is a secret between the Lord and I that I share with a few friends here and there.... I once asked God for a gift. Something between He and I. Something tangible in this world that would be like a wink from Him. The initial request was made almost two decades ago.... A few weeks past and then I was standing upon the shore of a lake and a V of birds flew over head. In the moments that followed dozens upon dozens of birds, flying in that formation, continued to fly above me. At one point the sky just filled with them and I knew. I knew that that would be a love sign between my Lord and myself. Throughout the years without fail in moments when there was a deep need in me to know Him in the moment or to have a confirmation I would hear the sound and look above me to see His signature. Tonight I needed encouragement. I needed to know that this path I am upon was of His making and His will and that I am following upon it to the best of my ability..... I needed to hear "this is the way walk in it..." and there it was.... He knows me... He truly knows me.... And in that moment the things that were growing weak in me burst back with energy and confidence.
In all my pursuits... in all the moments of this living experiment, moments of doubt creep in and try to lay waste to my affections. Not the loving God and people portion but the new goals that have come upon the scene. They were not planned forth with much advance notice. They didn't start with tons of prayer behind them... Upon the scene of my life they popped up and I grasped at them. Tonight's kiss from Heaven gave me what I have found that I needed. The wink of a Father telling a daughter this is me... run with it... this is me.... Thank you Father you are truly an amazing God.
As I dropped off Caspian tonight and headed to pick up Rebekah and Gideon from the barn a V of birds flew over head. There is a story attached to that picture for me... a very moving one and it is a secret between the Lord and I that I share with a few friends here and there.... I once asked God for a gift. Something between He and I. Something tangible in this world that would be like a wink from Him. The initial request was made almost two decades ago.... A few weeks past and then I was standing upon the shore of a lake and a V of birds flew over head. In the moments that followed dozens upon dozens of birds, flying in that formation, continued to fly above me. At one point the sky just filled with them and I knew. I knew that that would be a love sign between my Lord and myself. Throughout the years without fail in moments when there was a deep need in me to know Him in the moment or to have a confirmation I would hear the sound and look above me to see His signature. Tonight I needed encouragement. I needed to know that this path I am upon was of His making and His will and that I am following upon it to the best of my ability..... I needed to hear "this is the way walk in it..." and there it was.... He knows me... He truly knows me.... And in that moment the things that were growing weak in me burst back with energy and confidence.
In all my pursuits... in all the moments of this living experiment, moments of doubt creep in and try to lay waste to my affections. Not the loving God and people portion but the new goals that have come upon the scene. They were not planned forth with much advance notice. They didn't start with tons of prayer behind them... Upon the scene of my life they popped up and I grasped at them. Tonight's kiss from Heaven gave me what I have found that I needed. The wink of a Father telling a daughter this is me... run with it... this is me.... Thank you Father you are truly an amazing God.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
The Kingdom Waltz
That we would have eyes to see and ears to hear and a heart that comprehends.......
For your ways are not my ways ... my ways are higher than
The Kingdom of God is not some American corporation with the proverbial "ladder" that we must climb in order to reach some fantastic goal..... but all too often ministries and individuals succumb to that notion and apply an earthly world view to the dynamics of ministry and Kingdom life.
There are many areas where we plainly get it wrong..... and the church world grabs a hold of some new principal and hails it as the next best thing to advance individuals in their spiritual climbs..... I think it is the temptation of humanity to grab a hold of some "new" idea that will propel them into a greater more anointed walk with the Lord. But neither those lessons nor those temptations are new.
I want to see my Father's Kingdom come and His will be done here on Earth as it is in Heaven..... I want to see His heart manifested upon the Earth and His rule expand across the vast waves of humanity. I want to see the eyes of those that live in darkness opened to His glorious light... There is a day coming that is written in stone. There will be a wedding. There will be a bride.... A bride whose eyes are solely fixed upon Him..... whose identity is solid and affections are true......
How do we get there? How do we become who we need to be? The truth as it is and not as we would make it out to be is what will set us free........ and there are no short cuts... no new ideas.... but an ancient one whose strength and power has stood strong through the centuries..... one that if we were to only lay a hold of we would be the very ones we were created to be.........
If we day in and day out... beginning our day... living our day... ending our day... loving the Lord with all our heart..... and each other we would advance our Father's purposes on Earth much more rapidly than any other "new" five step plan....
For your ways are not my ways ... my ways are higher than
The Kingdom of God is not some American corporation with the proverbial "ladder" that we must climb in order to reach some fantastic goal..... but all too often ministries and individuals succumb to that notion and apply an earthly world view to the dynamics of ministry and Kingdom life.
There are many areas where we plainly get it wrong..... and the church world grabs a hold of some new principal and hails it as the next best thing to advance individuals in their spiritual climbs..... I think it is the temptation of humanity to grab a hold of some "new" idea that will propel them into a greater more anointed walk with the Lord. But neither those lessons nor those temptations are new.
I want to see my Father's Kingdom come and His will be done here on Earth as it is in Heaven..... I want to see His heart manifested upon the Earth and His rule expand across the vast waves of humanity. I want to see the eyes of those that live in darkness opened to His glorious light... There is a day coming that is written in stone. There will be a wedding. There will be a bride.... A bride whose eyes are solely fixed upon Him..... whose identity is solid and affections are true......
How do we get there? How do we become who we need to be? The truth as it is and not as we would make it out to be is what will set us free........ and there are no short cuts... no new ideas.... but an ancient one whose strength and power has stood strong through the centuries..... one that if we were to only lay a hold of we would be the very ones we were created to be.........
If we day in and day out... beginning our day... living our day... ending our day... loving the Lord with all our heart..... and each other we would advance our Father's purposes on Earth much more rapidly than any other "new" five step plan....
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Not Just Puttering Around
So much life and it is only 10am. Ups and downs have already been mine in this brief part of the morning... Came up with a name for my studio.. Beyond The Lantern Studios. Wanted to incorporate something about Narnia but couldn't figure out how not to make it hooky. Those books have been so meaningful in my life. A goal I have as a photographer is to catch the "magic" in other people's lives. Going beyond the ordinary sit and pose.... Entering into their "wardrobe" of sorts. So there it is.
A bit of an up and down rollercoaster as I was going to have the opportunity to do a project that I really am looking forward to only then to see that opportunity blip off the screen. It is a setback but not an unmanageable one. So the doors that are to be open will be open just have to figure out what those are.
I am finding myself exceedingly more able to put many different things into my day. Where before when I had more time I didn't do half the things I am doing now.... I know that is the intentional aspect of thinking through the day deciding what needs to get done and not allowing myself any excuses.... those are a killer.... excuses... ugh.... I always gave myself too many outs.... and then I would just putter around the house and not concentrate or focus... I would play with the kids randomly .. clean randomly ... and I was left with this feeling... of well, it wasn't a lack of purpose but it was at times just more of a blah..
Whereas today I got up and from the moment my feet hit the floor I planned on being intentional..... got downstairs, helped Gregory with something... straightened kitchen up (I have realized that late night clean ups are not for me... so first thing in the am I go), listened to Jim read a book that we are going through (we have wanted to read a book together for such a long time... we never just put it into the schedule) So now once the younger kids are off and E and G are eating, Josh is getting ready and I'm cleaning the kitchen or making breakfast Jim reads. I can't tell you how great the feeling is to have that time. To think about how the things we have wanted to do for such a long time are really happening.
I took my vitamins, then said good bye to the guys.... from 8-9 is PLAY TIME... no distractions allowed (except for Wed when we have to be out for speech --but Monday and Tuesday and Friday a mandatory must.. sometimes meet friends for breakfast on Thursday am) Then it is nap time for E. I spend time with Gregory one on one .. put laundry in ... take it out.... then sit down and write..... (oh I added a new thing today... exercise... 10- 30 minutes and will work up from there).
So by 10:24 I have lived... really lived not puttered but lived..... what is the difference.. me.. my attitude... some of the actions are the very same but I am different.. .my attitude .. the way I proceed through the day with purpose ..... pursuing the things I want and not taking NO for an answer... I want time with my kids that is special, I want a more organized house, I want to write, take pictures, go to school, I want these things but I used to allow time to just slip by and not grab a hold of it.... I used to think oh I don't have the time for thus and so and now I realize that there is enough time for all... I just can't sit around and waste it..... When I want a moment to myself to not do anything or chat on the phone or take a break .. I write that into the day on the schedule of my mind..... but then I pick right back up and I continue with the tasks at hand.. where that used to be (look at me .. used to be... can you say used to be when it wasn't even 30 days ago)so difficult.. If I took a break and stopped what I was doing I lost the momentum and getting that back was always so hard.... truly sometimes it would even take days or weeks.. honestly..... I would be in a rhythm something would disrupt it and then it would take me forever to find it again...
Why?
WHY?
I think it is that I was looking for that "feeling" that feeling of how I feel productive so I'll go do thus and so but it isn't about that..... it is about doing... I sit here at the computer and I don't instantly have an idea of what to write or what to say but I start... I start (smile to myself)
Now for some of you this is a dah moment .... not for me.... really not for me.... practical daily living was so hard.. it didn't come naturally to me... so to be living this life is amazing to me ... truly and simply amazing......
There are times when E wakes up early from a nap and something I really wanted to finish gets pushed off to another time but I just look at her face and I see her smile and that is that... the day continues ... and we move through it..... 29 days into this thing I am loving life.... the ups and the downs, the victories and the setbacks because no matter what the day is I am living it...... not just puttering through....
A bit of an up and down rollercoaster as I was going to have the opportunity to do a project that I really am looking forward to only then to see that opportunity blip off the screen. It is a setback but not an unmanageable one. So the doors that are to be open will be open just have to figure out what those are.
I am finding myself exceedingly more able to put many different things into my day. Where before when I had more time I didn't do half the things I am doing now.... I know that is the intentional aspect of thinking through the day deciding what needs to get done and not allowing myself any excuses.... those are a killer.... excuses... ugh.... I always gave myself too many outs.... and then I would just putter around the house and not concentrate or focus... I would play with the kids randomly .. clean randomly ... and I was left with this feeling... of well, it wasn't a lack of purpose but it was at times just more of a blah..
Whereas today I got up and from the moment my feet hit the floor I planned on being intentional..... got downstairs, helped Gregory with something... straightened kitchen up (I have realized that late night clean ups are not for me... so first thing in the am I go), listened to Jim read a book that we are going through (we have wanted to read a book together for such a long time... we never just put it into the schedule) So now once the younger kids are off and E and G are eating, Josh is getting ready and I'm cleaning the kitchen or making breakfast Jim reads. I can't tell you how great the feeling is to have that time. To think about how the things we have wanted to do for such a long time are really happening.
I took my vitamins, then said good bye to the guys.... from 8-9 is PLAY TIME... no distractions allowed (except for Wed when we have to be out for speech --but Monday and Tuesday and Friday a mandatory must.. sometimes meet friends for breakfast on Thursday am) Then it is nap time for E. I spend time with Gregory one on one .. put laundry in ... take it out.... then sit down and write..... (oh I added a new thing today... exercise... 10- 30 minutes and will work up from there).
So by 10:24 I have lived... really lived not puttered but lived..... what is the difference.. me.. my attitude... some of the actions are the very same but I am different.. .my attitude .. the way I proceed through the day with purpose ..... pursuing the things I want and not taking NO for an answer... I want time with my kids that is special, I want a more organized house, I want to write, take pictures, go to school, I want these things but I used to allow time to just slip by and not grab a hold of it.... I used to think oh I don't have the time for thus and so and now I realize that there is enough time for all... I just can't sit around and waste it..... When I want a moment to myself to not do anything or chat on the phone or take a break .. I write that into the day on the schedule of my mind..... but then I pick right back up and I continue with the tasks at hand.. where that used to be (look at me .. used to be... can you say used to be when it wasn't even 30 days ago)so difficult.. If I took a break and stopped what I was doing I lost the momentum and getting that back was always so hard.... truly sometimes it would even take days or weeks.. honestly..... I would be in a rhythm something would disrupt it and then it would take me forever to find it again...
Why?
WHY?
I think it is that I was looking for that "feeling" that feeling of how I feel productive so I'll go do thus and so but it isn't about that..... it is about doing... I sit here at the computer and I don't instantly have an idea of what to write or what to say but I start... I start (smile to myself)
Now for some of you this is a dah moment .... not for me.... really not for me.... practical daily living was so hard.. it didn't come naturally to me... so to be living this life is amazing to me ... truly and simply amazing......
There are times when E wakes up early from a nap and something I really wanted to finish gets pushed off to another time but I just look at her face and I see her smile and that is that... the day continues ... and we move through it..... 29 days into this thing I am loving life.... the ups and the downs, the victories and the setbacks because no matter what the day is I am living it...... not just puttering through....
Monday, January 11, 2010
Them Are Fighting Words!
How does my goal such as loving God and people play out practically amidst the spinning world of a very busy family? Is it in the moment to moment choices? Is it sitting quietly and communing with the presence of God? Or is it in the becoming? I think it is found in all of those. If I could have taken a snap shot of my soul 28 days ago what would it have looked like? What would it look like today? What would it look like on day 100? Although all those elements have contributed to this living experiment it is in the becoming that I find the transformation. It is in the becoming where choices and communion collide and creation works it magic. My perceptions are different. My responses are different. Even in the whirlwind of my existence a solid settled sense of being has taken over. It is not that the outward aspects of my life have changed. I have changed. Deliberately. Consciously. Intentionally. I have crossed the line and I could never return to passive living. I have learned in 28 days how to grab a hold of the every day and make it mine. Like the cowboy roping the bull I have taken the lasso and landed my target.
On day 1 I was akin to the toddling babe just learning how to take its first steps. Lots of deep breaths and pauses in the day. Lots of falling down and having to pick myself back up. Determination filled every nook of my being. What does it mean to walk in the light because He is in the light? How do we "put off our old self" as it is spoken in Ephesians 4:24. It does not just happen because we wish it to. Change like that does not occur because we "feel" it or "want" it to be so. Like a coat must be physically taken off so we must take action and "put off" who we don't want to be. Choices must be made. We must recognize that there are truly things that look good but steal life. That there are those things that we genuinely want and yet are not the best for us. I did. I do. I want what I want and I want it now. Or at least I did. Not so much anymore. I am "created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Eph. 4:24). Not in a religious attitude but in practical humble everyday life. Righteousness is an action and a state of being not a pretense. It is by taking control of the mind and making new. Purposefully and intentionally putting to death anything that would stand contrary to the nature of Christ. Not allowing excuses to pass my lips but allowing my will to rise up and command my soul to shut up.
We are urged to live a life worthy of the calling we have received. We are told to be completely humble and gentle, patient and to bear up in love. We are told to MAKE EVERY EFFORT to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Those are actions words. A Southern friend of mine would say; "them are fighting words!" They are ... they are! So step up! You are worth the fight. Live the best life that you can possibly live every day...... and at the end, no matter what there will be a smile on your face and peace in the depths of your soul.
On day 1 I was akin to the toddling babe just learning how to take its first steps. Lots of deep breaths and pauses in the day. Lots of falling down and having to pick myself back up. Determination filled every nook of my being. What does it mean to walk in the light because He is in the light? How do we "put off our old self" as it is spoken in Ephesians 4:24. It does not just happen because we wish it to. Change like that does not occur because we "feel" it or "want" it to be so. Like a coat must be physically taken off so we must take action and "put off" who we don't want to be. Choices must be made. We must recognize that there are truly things that look good but steal life. That there are those things that we genuinely want and yet are not the best for us. I did. I do. I want what I want and I want it now. Or at least I did. Not so much anymore. I am "created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Eph. 4:24). Not in a religious attitude but in practical humble everyday life. Righteousness is an action and a state of being not a pretense. It is by taking control of the mind and making new. Purposefully and intentionally putting to death anything that would stand contrary to the nature of Christ. Not allowing excuses to pass my lips but allowing my will to rise up and command my soul to shut up.
We are urged to live a life worthy of the calling we have received. We are told to be completely humble and gentle, patient and to bear up in love. We are told to MAKE EVERY EFFORT to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Those are actions words. A Southern friend of mine would say; "them are fighting words!" They are ... they are! So step up! You are worth the fight. Live the best life that you can possibly live every day...... and at the end, no matter what there will be a smile on your face and peace in the depths of your soul.
Friday, January 8, 2010
What does Jesus Sleeping In the Bow of the Boat have to do with a Fallen Christmas Tree
A picture of a dance came to mind this morning. I was feeling tired (between cutting out coffee and sugar and not getting much sleep) and I was thinking about how physical and emotional issues attack the very heart of intentional living and motivation. I was in the process of exerting my will and pushing through the day when as if from out a movie a dancing floor was before me and the Father took my hand.
Everything was smooth and perfect. Inwardly I realized that this life I am living is to be equated to that dance. I don't know the steps. I don't know what to do. Yet in the arms of a very talented dancer I can just lean in and be lead. In that place the tranquility and peace that filled the moment was overwhelming . He caused me to remember all the deep breaths that I had been taking a few weeks ago as I walked a new road that was being placed in front of me, and in that, the realization that less and less of those were being taken entered into my understanding....
As I continued in the moment a realization that it had been 25 days since the experiment had begun. (100 days of intentional living loving God and people) The thoughts about... it takes 21 days to build a habit filled my head. He had lead me in the dance and now He was leading my understanding. There are new habits that have been built. So often we try and try and try and fall down and pick ourselves back up only to try and try and try again only to fall again and thus the pattern continues. How often do we stop to say to ourselves... "Wow! I am really doing what I set out to do! These things are really being accomplished!"
A huge smile formed on my face as I realized that a new habit has been formed in me. I am not saying that I won't battle those moments that flare up when the 9, 10 and 12 year olds all need a good talking to.... but I am saying that I have found a new groove... and my knee jerk reaction has been trained into a calm and peaceful response... more often now than before... It isn't that all the worries have been conquered but that I am leaning and being lead more and hopefully with that trusting more.....
Into this moment of realization breaks the realities of my life..... (where the proverbial rubber meets the road) I heard Elizabeth crying so I got up from writing to settle her back down. As I walked past the Christmas tree (I was going to take down days ago but each time a child protested... and then I procrastinated) it fell.... seriously it had fallen once before during Christmas week. Jim had set it all right as none of us were willing to part with it at that point. But this morning needles so very dry... "Timber" yelled the tree and down it came.
And this time she was down for the count. No ornaments broken just ALOT of needles. So off I went to settle the baby back down and clean up the tree.... hhhmmmm just after writing what I did .. makes me think it is all about the practice of those new habits... The best thing is that we are all ok.. Gregory walked past it one second before I did and I am just grateful he wasn't hurt.
So three hours later all of Christmas is cleaned up... looked around bathrooms, window sills, fireplace, and put everything away to hibernate until next year. Towards the end of cleaning Gregory was getting quite tired and broke down into tears..... "my house is all dirty, my tree is all gone, my house is all dirty." (The layer of pine needles that covered the floor, from the multiply times the tree had fallen as I was taking things was quite thick) So we walked out to the porch and stood there together and said good bye to the tree that had been so wonderful to our family. Hand in hand we walked back into the kitchen, finished lunch and now both young Driscolls are in their beds headed off to sleep ( I can actually hear Gregory's faint little snore through the monitor..phew he needed this rest).
That is my life in the midst of dancing with the Lord lessons come crashing in and the idea of tranquility and peace take on a whole other meaning.... Thinking about Brother Lawrence these days .. washing those dishes.. (If you haven't read it .. it is certainly a must... Practicing the Presence of God)... so mine isn't dishes. It is the life and times of a toddler and a baby and the family that surrounds us. As I near the end of this a wonderful realization floods into my being.... I am beginning to understand how Jesus could sleep in the bow of the boat while the storms raged....
Everything was smooth and perfect. Inwardly I realized that this life I am living is to be equated to that dance. I don't know the steps. I don't know what to do. Yet in the arms of a very talented dancer I can just lean in and be lead. In that place the tranquility and peace that filled the moment was overwhelming . He caused me to remember all the deep breaths that I had been taking a few weeks ago as I walked a new road that was being placed in front of me, and in that, the realization that less and less of those were being taken entered into my understanding....
As I continued in the moment a realization that it had been 25 days since the experiment had begun. (100 days of intentional living loving God and people) The thoughts about... it takes 21 days to build a habit filled my head. He had lead me in the dance and now He was leading my understanding. There are new habits that have been built. So often we try and try and try and fall down and pick ourselves back up only to try and try and try again only to fall again and thus the pattern continues. How often do we stop to say to ourselves... "Wow! I am really doing what I set out to do! These things are really being accomplished!"
A huge smile formed on my face as I realized that a new habit has been formed in me. I am not saying that I won't battle those moments that flare up when the 9, 10 and 12 year olds all need a good talking to.... but I am saying that I have found a new groove... and my knee jerk reaction has been trained into a calm and peaceful response... more often now than before... It isn't that all the worries have been conquered but that I am leaning and being lead more and hopefully with that trusting more.....
Into this moment of realization breaks the realities of my life..... (where the proverbial rubber meets the road) I heard Elizabeth crying so I got up from writing to settle her back down. As I walked past the Christmas tree (I was going to take down days ago but each time a child protested... and then I procrastinated) it fell.... seriously it had fallen once before during Christmas week. Jim had set it all right as none of us were willing to part with it at that point. But this morning needles so very dry... "Timber" yelled the tree and down it came.
And this time she was down for the count. No ornaments broken just ALOT of needles. So off I went to settle the baby back down and clean up the tree.... hhhmmmm just after writing what I did .. makes me think it is all about the practice of those new habits... The best thing is that we are all ok.. Gregory walked past it one second before I did and I am just grateful he wasn't hurt.
So three hours later all of Christmas is cleaned up... looked around bathrooms, window sills, fireplace, and put everything away to hibernate until next year. Towards the end of cleaning Gregory was getting quite tired and broke down into tears..... "my house is all dirty, my tree is all gone, my house is all dirty." (The layer of pine needles that covered the floor, from the multiply times the tree had fallen as I was taking things was quite thick) So we walked out to the porch and stood there together and said good bye to the tree that had been so wonderful to our family. Hand in hand we walked back into the kitchen, finished lunch and now both young Driscolls are in their beds headed off to sleep ( I can actually hear Gregory's faint little snore through the monitor..phew he needed this rest).
That is my life in the midst of dancing with the Lord lessons come crashing in and the idea of tranquility and peace take on a whole other meaning.... Thinking about Brother Lawrence these days .. washing those dishes.. (If you haven't read it .. it is certainly a must... Practicing the Presence of God)... so mine isn't dishes. It is the life and times of a toddler and a baby and the family that surrounds us. As I near the end of this a wonderful realization floods into my being.... I am beginning to understand how Jesus could sleep in the bow of the boat while the storms raged....
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Remembering Times Gone By and Thinking We Have Really Become That Chain
"We are not a chain!" "What?" Was my reply. "We are not a chain!" He continued. "We're a thread, ok maybe a string but not a rope and certainly not a CHAIN!" Those were the words that came out of my nine year old son as his eyes glared at me and anger shook his body. I asked him what he was talking about. His response was not only going to change the rest of my life but it was to punch me in the stomach and leave its mark there forever.
"Our Family!" Was the answer.
The months prior to this outburst both my husband and I had been traveling a lot. Thinking back to it I believe we were all together a total of nine days that Summer. A friend once said ministry is a harlot and it will come and rob, steal and destroy in the name of all that is good.
Well, that Summer was its attempt on my family.
I stood and looked at my first born.
I remembered a moment standing in front of a crowd, of around 150 people, introducing the conference that was just beginning. It was seven o'clock in the evening, bedtime, as I looked at the people's faces my thoughts drifted off to the four children that were headed to bed. I could hear myself speaking and sharing introductions and information but my heart was someplace else. In that moment I had realized that even if these people liked me, even if they learned from me, even if the Lord used me in their lives that weekend that time would pass and most of what I said if not all would be forgotten. But many miles from where the podium stood there were four children resting their heads on pillows dozing off to sleep.
It was in that moment that I realized I would have a far greater impact on those four children (today there is six of them) than any other human being. My son's words were the exclamation point on that decision. I stepped back from everything.
As time passed my son shared with me how in that season of life, he was counting his time until he would turn 18, where upon he was going to leave our family and never look back. He hasn't exactly ever come back and said to me that our family is a chain however his actions speak louder than any words. At almost 15 he comes and sits and shares his heart and spends time with his father and I. And what about me? What about all I did before? Well, I did go through quite the identity struggle realizing in serving the Lord I had served my ego. I had enjoyed the moments in the spotlight, the conferences, teaching, etc, etc, etc..... But as I look back I know so very deep within me that I made the choice for life and family and the harlot was put to rest.
"Our Family!" Was the answer.
The months prior to this outburst both my husband and I had been traveling a lot. Thinking back to it I believe we were all together a total of nine days that Summer. A friend once said ministry is a harlot and it will come and rob, steal and destroy in the name of all that is good.
Well, that Summer was its attempt on my family.
I stood and looked at my first born.
I remembered a moment standing in front of a crowd, of around 150 people, introducing the conference that was just beginning. It was seven o'clock in the evening, bedtime, as I looked at the people's faces my thoughts drifted off to the four children that were headed to bed. I could hear myself speaking and sharing introductions and information but my heart was someplace else. In that moment I had realized that even if these people liked me, even if they learned from me, even if the Lord used me in their lives that weekend that time would pass and most of what I said if not all would be forgotten. But many miles from where the podium stood there were four children resting their heads on pillows dozing off to sleep.
It was in that moment that I realized I would have a far greater impact on those four children (today there is six of them) than any other human being. My son's words were the exclamation point on that decision. I stepped back from everything.
As time passed my son shared with me how in that season of life, he was counting his time until he would turn 18, where upon he was going to leave our family and never look back. He hasn't exactly ever come back and said to me that our family is a chain however his actions speak louder than any words. At almost 15 he comes and sits and shares his heart and spends time with his father and I. And what about me? What about all I did before? Well, I did go through quite the identity struggle realizing in serving the Lord I had served my ego. I had enjoyed the moments in the spotlight, the conferences, teaching, etc, etc, etc..... But as I look back I know so very deep within me that I made the choice for life and family and the harlot was put to rest.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Caterpillars No More
There is one train of thought that I have stumbled upon and have been sitting on for some days now..... As I have found myself in this emerging season I have wondered about the times past and have paused to reflect and personally question why I hadn't pulled this season together sooner in my life...... As I mentioned earlier there are things too new ... still emerging.. that I can't fully give words to and maybe even the attempt at those words is too soon. But these are the thoughts that I have pondered as I have thought upon those questions...... especially in regards to the season of my life that is passing away as this new one emerges..... I think the reason I attempt to write about it is that I wonder if others find themselves in such a season and feel foggy and a bit lost....
This is not a commentary on any other person or group .. more a coming to terms with myself and an awakening..... Several quick thoughts.... first, I realize I have had a tendency to look to others to open doors for me..... waited and hoped that they would open but really didn't move much in any one direction on my own ..... When the times came that I did step out and attempt to pioneer something I lived with fear that someone was going to come along and either tell me to stop or tell me I was doing it wrong..... unfortunately to say that fear won a good too many times.....
Alongside the battle with fear came a season that even now I wish wasn't so..... another tendency I have come to recognize in myself is the one where I truly want to belong to something.... not so much create something as to belong to something that already is existing.... When in my life I have found that I grab a hold of such a thing and allow it to become my all and everything... yes, I must admit even in so much as a place of idolatry......
So when that thing.. community, or group, is no longer I only found myself drowning... lost..... because so much of my hopes for the future had been tied into something beyond my control and with the death of that connection came much personal death.......
Except we serve a God of the resurrection and I believe that this last season that I am emerging from, as a caterpillar will do from a cocoon, will find me more brilliant and alive ... not crawling on the earth but soaring in the sky.......
Instead of chastising myself on why this new season hadn't come earlier I am embracing all that was as a necessary part of its formation.... much personal change has occurred and the lessons learned either as a caterpillar or while in the cocoon will serve me well...... so be gentle with yourself.... it might be your time to emerge as the butterfly or maybe you are to snuggle into the tightness of the cocoon and let the magic of transformation take its time..........
This is not a commentary on any other person or group .. more a coming to terms with myself and an awakening..... Several quick thoughts.... first, I realize I have had a tendency to look to others to open doors for me..... waited and hoped that they would open but really didn't move much in any one direction on my own ..... When the times came that I did step out and attempt to pioneer something I lived with fear that someone was going to come along and either tell me to stop or tell me I was doing it wrong..... unfortunately to say that fear won a good too many times.....
Alongside the battle with fear came a season that even now I wish wasn't so..... another tendency I have come to recognize in myself is the one where I truly want to belong to something.... not so much create something as to belong to something that already is existing.... When in my life I have found that I grab a hold of such a thing and allow it to become my all and everything... yes, I must admit even in so much as a place of idolatry......
So when that thing.. community, or group, is no longer I only found myself drowning... lost..... because so much of my hopes for the future had been tied into something beyond my control and with the death of that connection came much personal death.......
Except we serve a God of the resurrection and I believe that this last season that I am emerging from, as a caterpillar will do from a cocoon, will find me more brilliant and alive ... not crawling on the earth but soaring in the sky.......
Instead of chastising myself on why this new season hadn't come earlier I am embracing all that was as a necessary part of its formation.... much personal change has occurred and the lessons learned either as a caterpillar or while in the cocoon will serve me well...... so be gentle with yourself.... it might be your time to emerge as the butterfly or maybe you are to snuggle into the tightness of the cocoon and let the magic of transformation take its time..........
Intentionality is Like a Dream Come True
Day 22.....
Three weeks have come and gone. With them possibly one of the most crazy times of the year ... the holidays and friends and family and all the hoopla that goes into making those days really special.... I can't think back to a recent time in my life where a series of weeks has brought so much personal change.... except for the births of my children these three weeks have stood out, well maybe as a birth in its own right ....
I also can't think of a period in my life, where without outside influences I have so purposefully lived an intentionally focused moment to moment existence. When I have found myself drifting into a glazy eyed moment I have for the most part pulled myself up with the thoughts of deliberate action or prayer.....
The results are still forming and as one who is always so quick to jump to conclusions I am waiting on that this time.... time is the key factor of this season and I just am embracing the moments with excitement and joy..... I see a me emerging that I haven't known and there just aren't the words to express all of that right now......
I guess what happened in the beginning was a train of thoughts that went something like this... I am 38 years old, I am the mother of 6 kids, I have all the duties and responsibilities that go along with that... and my youngest two won't be in school for another few years... and so... well... I guessed there were seasons out there for me but not just yet....... I have never been more wrong.. ok maybe I have been more wrong but boy was I soon to be shocked awake by the new horizons that were before me......
Don't get me wrong as early as just yesterday I woke up with thoughts that go something like; "What am I crazy? What am I doing? Can I really achieve all that is on my heart? Is this just some crazy notion?" The voice of doubt and the weight of fear met me as I woke up yesterday...... I got up and they still followed me around for a good portion of the early morning... Instead of succumbing to them I pulled myself together and declared that emotion was not the key factor of this time in my life instead purposeful, deliberate action and choices took that place and I was going to change the atmosphere of the day.........
Guess what? It happened! Bit by bit throughout the day I moved forward and though quite tired at the end of it I felt triumphant..... Instead of allowing the thoughts of self doubt to declare their conquest I picked myself up... wrote down some of my goals for the day and accomplished more of them then I thought possible......... I made phone calls, wrote emails, and began to pursue a few projects that are on my heart... ( more about those later).... As the thoughts of possible rejection came I only pushed through even more.... more phone calls and more emails... more questions ....... and by the end of the day I had received some emails back and more contacts were made and a process of newness continues......
Three weeks have come and gone. With them possibly one of the most crazy times of the year ... the holidays and friends and family and all the hoopla that goes into making those days really special.... I can't think back to a recent time in my life where a series of weeks has brought so much personal change.... except for the births of my children these three weeks have stood out, well maybe as a birth in its own right ....
I also can't think of a period in my life, where without outside influences I have so purposefully lived an intentionally focused moment to moment existence. When I have found myself drifting into a glazy eyed moment I have for the most part pulled myself up with the thoughts of deliberate action or prayer.....
The results are still forming and as one who is always so quick to jump to conclusions I am waiting on that this time.... time is the key factor of this season and I just am embracing the moments with excitement and joy..... I see a me emerging that I haven't known and there just aren't the words to express all of that right now......
I guess what happened in the beginning was a train of thoughts that went something like this... I am 38 years old, I am the mother of 6 kids, I have all the duties and responsibilities that go along with that... and my youngest two won't be in school for another few years... and so... well... I guessed there were seasons out there for me but not just yet....... I have never been more wrong.. ok maybe I have been more wrong but boy was I soon to be shocked awake by the new horizons that were before me......
Don't get me wrong as early as just yesterday I woke up with thoughts that go something like; "What am I crazy? What am I doing? Can I really achieve all that is on my heart? Is this just some crazy notion?" The voice of doubt and the weight of fear met me as I woke up yesterday...... I got up and they still followed me around for a good portion of the early morning... Instead of succumbing to them I pulled myself together and declared that emotion was not the key factor of this time in my life instead purposeful, deliberate action and choices took that place and I was going to change the atmosphere of the day.........
Guess what? It happened! Bit by bit throughout the day I moved forward and though quite tired at the end of it I felt triumphant..... Instead of allowing the thoughts of self doubt to declare their conquest I picked myself up... wrote down some of my goals for the day and accomplished more of them then I thought possible......... I made phone calls, wrote emails, and began to pursue a few projects that are on my heart... ( more about those later).... As the thoughts of possible rejection came I only pushed through even more.... more phone calls and more emails... more questions ....... and by the end of the day I had received some emails back and more contacts were made and a process of newness continues......
Monday, January 4, 2010
Pausing to Question ... Learning to Praise
How do I enter into Your world? How do I become more like You? Looking at the words you spoke... the life you lead..... the things you did... you say we are to go and do likewise.... How do I stare down the wind and the waves and rest peacefully in the bow? Do I approach the leper and speak the word that brings forth life? How much would I love to be like the Centurion and yet is Thomas more my name?
Do I find myself meeting you upon the seas only then to sink and at worst deny? Do I injure my fellow brother with words or attitudes? Do my days find at the end of them my reflection becoming more like you? Or do the actions of my days only find me on my knees?
You quiet all my question as upon your breast I lay and rest as did John. Towards your garment I reach desperately through the crowds because I know you.... I know that just a touch of the fabric that frames your body will bring forth life.... I am one who has labored all night long to only find that not one fish was caught, yet upon your beckoning the boat of my life is full to overflowing... Your words, your movements, your actions display in their perfection the wondrous majesty of Heaven... teach me to know in the moment Your grace... all that you are.... may love flow generously forth from me .... may it not hit one breaking wall.. may there be nothing in me to detour its path....
You are beautiful... simply and profoundly beautiful.... I enter into Your world and long to be more and more like You ... amazing You.... incredible You....
Do I find myself meeting you upon the seas only then to sink and at worst deny? Do I injure my fellow brother with words or attitudes? Do my days find at the end of them my reflection becoming more like you? Or do the actions of my days only find me on my knees?
You quiet all my question as upon your breast I lay and rest as did John. Towards your garment I reach desperately through the crowds because I know you.... I know that just a touch of the fabric that frames your body will bring forth life.... I am one who has labored all night long to only find that not one fish was caught, yet upon your beckoning the boat of my life is full to overflowing... Your words, your movements, your actions display in their perfection the wondrous majesty of Heaven... teach me to know in the moment Your grace... all that you are.... may love flow generously forth from me .... may it not hit one breaking wall.. may there be nothing in me to detour its path....
You are beautiful... simply and profoundly beautiful.... I enter into Your world and long to be more and more like You ... amazing You.... incredible You....
Saturday, January 2, 2010
It looks very much different then what I had anticipated.......
As part of my experiment to live purposefully for 100 days seeking how to love the Lord and love those around me with all that is within me ... I ask the question at least once a day but often as I think about it ... what does it mean... what does it practically looked like
The one thing I am learning, oh so much that continually surprises me, is not only is God thoroughly into the details but even when we don't think we are being religious I think we are...... I think we make so much out of nothing and then because we want it to be something play it up big...... or maybe I should just say it this way... I think that I have wanted this experiment to be this really spiritual season in my life where I grow in my understanding of who God is and I had all these preconceived ideas of what that meant...... What I am learning is that it is very different then what I thought it would be......
Today I was really surprised as I went to sit and focus on the Lord .. to love on Him... and in walked my oldest son... (who I have really been wanting time with) and Josh came into the room and sat down right with me and we spent a wonderful two hours together.... not doing anything but chatting and then watching Friends... yup ... Friends.....
As he got up (because he has this project to do and I am trying to teach him that procrastination is a bad thing) I stood in the room and truly thought about what I had intended to do versus what happened..... And as crazy as it sounds I know it to be true.. the very thing I sought to do I did...... but it looked so far different than I would have ever imagined... and I also got blessed.... I got the time with Josh and we just hung out...... and I know that God was there......
I am realizing more and more that there is a simplicity to faith and the walk with God that gets glossed over by all that we think we know..... all the trappings of faith that we put on and then walk out.... I don't know how to bring the words together completely but I feel this deep stirring inside and this confidence growing that when this experiment is over I will have begun to walk in that which I had hoped but it will look so very much different then I had ever anticipated....
The one thing I am learning, oh so much that continually surprises me, is not only is God thoroughly into the details but even when we don't think we are being religious I think we are...... I think we make so much out of nothing and then because we want it to be something play it up big...... or maybe I should just say it this way... I think that I have wanted this experiment to be this really spiritual season in my life where I grow in my understanding of who God is and I had all these preconceived ideas of what that meant...... What I am learning is that it is very different then what I thought it would be......
Today I was really surprised as I went to sit and focus on the Lord .. to love on Him... and in walked my oldest son... (who I have really been wanting time with) and Josh came into the room and sat down right with me and we spent a wonderful two hours together.... not doing anything but chatting and then watching Friends... yup ... Friends.....
As he got up (because he has this project to do and I am trying to teach him that procrastination is a bad thing) I stood in the room and truly thought about what I had intended to do versus what happened..... And as crazy as it sounds I know it to be true.. the very thing I sought to do I did...... but it looked so far different than I would have ever imagined... and I also got blessed.... I got the time with Josh and we just hung out...... and I know that God was there......
I am realizing more and more that there is a simplicity to faith and the walk with God that gets glossed over by all that we think we know..... all the trappings of faith that we put on and then walk out.... I don't know how to bring the words together completely but I feel this deep stirring inside and this confidence growing that when this experiment is over I will have begun to walk in that which I had hoped but it will look so very much different then I had ever anticipated....
Friday, January 1, 2010
Don't Really Know What to Entitle This One..... Maybe the best title can be: The Landscapes of our Lord
So many thoughts fill my head as I come to write today... Much is upon my heart..... I think of the losses that have befallen friends and acquaintances of mine... weird thoughts to have on the very first morning of the very first day of the new year.... 2010..... but they are mine...... they are mine... I think of the new turns of hope that have come my way in recent weeks and am so grateful for them.... yet my heart aches to think of the path that others are walking upon this day......
I remember heading to the cemetery during my father's funeral... I remember watching all the cars pass me.. all the people on the street... it felt so weird for me that the world had kept on moving while mine had felt like it came to a screeching halt. There aren't the words to describe what we are left with when we lose someone dear to us .... the hole is deep, the vacancy raw, the pain real.....
What has caused me to travel this rabbit trail this morning..... thoughts of years past... of dreams that have died... of losses incurred...... There were things that I wanted over the last years that I have only seen die.. hopes only being dashed upon a rock and a heart being left sick by those hopes that had been deferred . There are seasons where loss seems more the card that is being dealt and with it the whole hand.. maybe the whole deck feels full of confusion, loss, agony, tears, anger, and disbelief....
In my mind I have a tendency to elevate those that picked a path, knew what they wanted, planned their course and walked it as they had planned... no detours.... or at least not many.... or at least when I saw those people that is how I perceived them..... my life.. our life ... has not been that journey... I feel like at times we have stumbled our way through many a season to come to a place that we loved and grew and lived only then to see the end of that season bring change... at times great change.... and most of those times have been accompanied by losses...... and new beginnings or hope felt like it existed far off in the distance...
As this new year starts I feel a fresh beginning coming gently upon the shore of my life..... it comes upon the sands that have known the movement accompanied by great storms..... the glass or stone found upon the beach that wave after wave has roared over and as such made it smooth..... I think I am appreciating this new beginning of sorts because I have felt very lost over the last few years... wondering what life had in store as I watched dreams I had wash away.... and there have been times where I have stared into the horizon and stared and stared and stared only to see nothing ...... and as time passes and there doesn't seem to be anything on that horizon a sadness and hopelessness entered into me...
A bewildered feeling ...
I remember a sermon a pastor once preached about deep sea diving and how he had learned that you pick three points of reference so that when you come up out of the water you can acclimate yourself and get your bearings and know where you are....... but for a long while now that ability to find those three points... to find my bearings seemed so allusive and far away......
Jim and I had believed for a long time that our family was to consist of six children. We followed the birth of our oldest child with three other children very close together..... within five years.... It was time to stop then... Four children in 5 1/2 years was quite the adventure to handle...... Then came a time where Joshua was headed into Jr. High School and Rebekah was headed into Kindergarten.
This feeling came upon me that it was time to "complete" our family......
I had up until that point taken for granted that once I was pregnant nine months later there would be a baby... however that was not to be so and the journey to complete our family became a very painful one..... It would take six pregnancies to bring forth the promise that our family would have six children..... ( to bring two more pregnancies to completion) days and moments and seasons of sorrow and confusion were mine to walk through..... and yet now as I stand in this day... I hear my almost one year old say, "ma -ma" as my 3 year old takes his afternoon nap.......
We have walked at times similar journeys as it pertains to vision and dreams for our lives..... believed that something was to happen only to watch all evidence of it fade away...... and yet now I stand in a place where as I look up into the face of the horizon I see hope..... I have begun to think again about possibilities.... about dreams and hopes for what life can hold........ but it has been a journey of time... and days have passes and become months then years.....
I have learned to live in the valley of the shadow of death..... I have learned to walk slower and have learned to heed to the guidance of the rod and the staff..... Psalm 23 has come alive to me.... I have seen that at times I get to walk in pastures so lush and green and full of life while at other times I am lead by waters that are still and my soul is given time to heal, there are times where the favor of the Lord shines my way openly and publically and those that would not like to see me prosper get to see that very thing occur, while at other times I walk in the shadows and into the valley where death's grip fills the air and all around me seems grey and bleak..... The main lesson I have learned is that no matter where I walk "goodness and mercy follow me," and they will do so all the days of my life..... and there will come a day where I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever....
Learning that goodness and mercy follow me no matter what season I am walking in has been the lesson that has carried me through the valleys...... that though He slay me I will still follow Him and though confusion and sadness have their moments and their seasons.. the morning sun does cross the horizon and the night cannot stop the day from coming.....
This new year holds within itself all of its days and times... all of its seasons.... we aren't allowed to see fully as we would like into the tomorrows that will come, but we can see into the eyes of the one, who holds them in His hands.. and we can hold that hand and be lead into whatever landscape the season holds for goodness and mercy will always be our rear guide...... and our sustaining hope is that the forevers that are to come will have us dwelling in the house of our Lord forever......
I remember heading to the cemetery during my father's funeral... I remember watching all the cars pass me.. all the people on the street... it felt so weird for me that the world had kept on moving while mine had felt like it came to a screeching halt. There aren't the words to describe what we are left with when we lose someone dear to us .... the hole is deep, the vacancy raw, the pain real.....
What has caused me to travel this rabbit trail this morning..... thoughts of years past... of dreams that have died... of losses incurred...... There were things that I wanted over the last years that I have only seen die.. hopes only being dashed upon a rock and a heart being left sick by those hopes that had been deferred . There are seasons where loss seems more the card that is being dealt and with it the whole hand.. maybe the whole deck feels full of confusion, loss, agony, tears, anger, and disbelief....
In my mind I have a tendency to elevate those that picked a path, knew what they wanted, planned their course and walked it as they had planned... no detours.... or at least not many.... or at least when I saw those people that is how I perceived them..... my life.. our life ... has not been that journey... I feel like at times we have stumbled our way through many a season to come to a place that we loved and grew and lived only then to see the end of that season bring change... at times great change.... and most of those times have been accompanied by losses...... and new beginnings or hope felt like it existed far off in the distance...
As this new year starts I feel a fresh beginning coming gently upon the shore of my life..... it comes upon the sands that have known the movement accompanied by great storms..... the glass or stone found upon the beach that wave after wave has roared over and as such made it smooth..... I think I am appreciating this new beginning of sorts because I have felt very lost over the last few years... wondering what life had in store as I watched dreams I had wash away.... and there have been times where I have stared into the horizon and stared and stared and stared only to see nothing ...... and as time passes and there doesn't seem to be anything on that horizon a sadness and hopelessness entered into me...
A bewildered feeling ...
I remember a sermon a pastor once preached about deep sea diving and how he had learned that you pick three points of reference so that when you come up out of the water you can acclimate yourself and get your bearings and know where you are....... but for a long while now that ability to find those three points... to find my bearings seemed so allusive and far away......
Jim and I had believed for a long time that our family was to consist of six children. We followed the birth of our oldest child with three other children very close together..... within five years.... It was time to stop then... Four children in 5 1/2 years was quite the adventure to handle...... Then came a time where Joshua was headed into Jr. High School and Rebekah was headed into Kindergarten.
This feeling came upon me that it was time to "complete" our family......
I had up until that point taken for granted that once I was pregnant nine months later there would be a baby... however that was not to be so and the journey to complete our family became a very painful one..... It would take six pregnancies to bring forth the promise that our family would have six children..... ( to bring two more pregnancies to completion) days and moments and seasons of sorrow and confusion were mine to walk through..... and yet now as I stand in this day... I hear my almost one year old say, "ma -ma" as my 3 year old takes his afternoon nap.......
We have walked at times similar journeys as it pertains to vision and dreams for our lives..... believed that something was to happen only to watch all evidence of it fade away...... and yet now I stand in a place where as I look up into the face of the horizon I see hope..... I have begun to think again about possibilities.... about dreams and hopes for what life can hold........ but it has been a journey of time... and days have passes and become months then years.....
I have learned to live in the valley of the shadow of death..... I have learned to walk slower and have learned to heed to the guidance of the rod and the staff..... Psalm 23 has come alive to me.... I have seen that at times I get to walk in pastures so lush and green and full of life while at other times I am lead by waters that are still and my soul is given time to heal, there are times where the favor of the Lord shines my way openly and publically and those that would not like to see me prosper get to see that very thing occur, while at other times I walk in the shadows and into the valley where death's grip fills the air and all around me seems grey and bleak..... The main lesson I have learned is that no matter where I walk "goodness and mercy follow me," and they will do so all the days of my life..... and there will come a day where I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever....
Learning that goodness and mercy follow me no matter what season I am walking in has been the lesson that has carried me through the valleys...... that though He slay me I will still follow Him and though confusion and sadness have their moments and their seasons.. the morning sun does cross the horizon and the night cannot stop the day from coming.....
This new year holds within itself all of its days and times... all of its seasons.... we aren't allowed to see fully as we would like into the tomorrows that will come, but we can see into the eyes of the one, who holds them in His hands.. and we can hold that hand and be lead into whatever landscape the season holds for goodness and mercy will always be our rear guide...... and our sustaining hope is that the forevers that are to come will have us dwelling in the house of our Lord forever......
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