There is one train of thought that I have stumbled upon and have been sitting on for some days now..... As I have found myself in this emerging season I have wondered about the times past and have paused to reflect and personally question why I hadn't pulled this season together sooner in my life...... As I mentioned earlier there are things too new ... still emerging.. that I can't fully give words to and maybe even the attempt at those words is too soon. But these are the thoughts that I have pondered as I have thought upon those questions...... especially in regards to the season of my life that is passing away as this new one emerges..... I think the reason I attempt to write about it is that I wonder if others find themselves in such a season and feel foggy and a bit lost....
This is not a commentary on any other person or group .. more a coming to terms with myself and an awakening..... Several quick thoughts.... first, I realize I have had a tendency to look to others to open doors for me..... waited and hoped that they would open but really didn't move much in any one direction on my own ..... When the times came that I did step out and attempt to pioneer something I lived with fear that someone was going to come along and either tell me to stop or tell me I was doing it wrong..... unfortunately to say that fear won a good too many times.....
Alongside the battle with fear came a season that even now I wish wasn't so..... another tendency I have come to recognize in myself is the one where I truly want to belong to something.... not so much create something as to belong to something that already is existing.... When in my life I have found that I grab a hold of such a thing and allow it to become my all and everything... yes, I must admit even in so much as a place of idolatry......
So when that thing.. community, or group, is no longer I only found myself drowning... lost..... because so much of my hopes for the future had been tied into something beyond my control and with the death of that connection came much personal death.......
Except we serve a God of the resurrection and I believe that this last season that I am emerging from, as a caterpillar will do from a cocoon, will find me more brilliant and alive ... not crawling on the earth but soaring in the sky.......
Instead of chastising myself on why this new season hadn't come earlier I am embracing all that was as a necessary part of its formation.... much personal change has occurred and the lessons learned either as a caterpillar or while in the cocoon will serve me well...... so be gentle with yourself.... it might be your time to emerge as the butterfly or maybe you are to snuggle into the tightness of the cocoon and let the magic of transformation take its time..........
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