The Wall and Him and Me..... I stand in awe of moments like this... He so thoroughly knows each hair upon my head

I don't mind tears.... I don't find them weak or the fact that they come often an indicator of unseen issues...


In His presence is the fullness of joy... when that reality touches flesh the goodness of His reality brings emotion...


I used to be afraid to touch emotion that seemed too much... Too many tears... Too much excitement...


After a prophetic evangelistic moment that went so beautifully one pastor told me that another pastor on staff thought I was manic...


Uhm... Maybe I was but I'll be manic for the moments when our God is touching and changing lives... I'll get excited for that...


Weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice...


I can try and stand within social propriety (yes... Especially in church ) or I can release myself to be free to acknowledge that some of life's most stunning moments circumvent those notions ... That doesn't give license to act in careless ways ... But it stands as a place of release..


Yet as I sat down to write this morning that isn't where I knew to step ...


As I woke up my heart was hurting... Not in a need to push faster through things although having no desire to get stuck I turned to the one place I know I can always lay my head...


It took me over a decade and a half to release my heart into His reality of Father but now... Now I run... Scramble... Bolt... Make a bee line to Him.. Not that He isn't already fully right there and the first step of getting to the run is full of the realization that I'm already laid a hold of...


Laying all aside I enter as a daughter with a hurting heart... Nothing more.. Nothing less... This place.. This beautiful mysterious place where creator and alpha and omega is tender Father.. Strong... Compassionate... Wise... Delicate...


Just at one look towards Him and my heart melts... Defenses on my part oh so low... One glance of His eyes ... One impartation of His touch and His affections has me actually backing away... "I can't ... I can't hear what You have to say... I don't know how to touch the truth of Your love..." and yup as you know already tears flowed and flowed and flowed..


When He spoke all He would say is you are my beloved daughter in who I am well pleased...


My response would be a shaking of the head (while I know this to be true I wanted Him to bring discipline... Correction... Not so much a rebuke but training... I wanted Him to lay a path I could walk upon away from sorrow... Away from suffering)


Side note ... While absolutely not fun the fruit that emerges from seasons full of sorrow and times of suffering is full of absolute life... Leaning and leaning and leaning again and again does one's life very good....


But all He would say is that I was His... His daughter in whom His pleasure dwelt...


Again not able to bring myself to look up at Him .. He turned and took a different approach... He showed me a hallway and asked me to walk down it... It ended rather quickly just into a wall...


Face to face with that wall I was startled ... Not expecting the walk to end so soon ... " Tell it to move," was all He said ... Uhm God it's a wall .. "Tell it to move"...


All that had resided within my heart .. My being looked at that wall as a wall... Circumstances and situations had allowed for a breaking down of my capacity to grab a hold of truth and I had been fighting against self doubt and fear...


All the what ifs came screaming forward .... What if it doesn't move? What if it ends here? What if I lose?


The wall and Him and me...


What was going to win?


I've learned enough to know I can face that wall and back away.. Believe the lies ... Listen to the fear and allow my heart to be conquered...


Am I part of the 10 spies or the 2?
Am I the nation afraid of the giant or the boy(girl) that asks what will be given ?


I at times am both.. But He ... He never changes...


I looked at Him... And the wall was gone... Open meadows and a huge field spread out before me as He spoke to the depths of me and welcomed me home....


Psalm 18:19---
New American Standard Bible ....
He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me.

Psalm 18:36
New American Standard Bible
You enlarge my steps under me, And my feet have not slipped.


Psalm 31:8
New American Standard Bible
And You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy; You have set my feet in a large place.

This is the posture we can have with Him.....

  Passages like those found in Psalm 31 that speak of how it is "For Your name's sake You will lead me and guide me," flow into my soul today....

When I read those words today .. when I read further on in that beautiful psalm as it comes to verse 14, "But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say. "You are my God." My times are in Your hand."  I just sat quietly.. I sat quietly and tried to allow those words to not just flow into me but saturate me with the life giving truths they hold....

There are just seasons that hold within them numerous opportunities to turn and believe despite circumstances and situations... there are seasons that would try and attempt to lay bare all that is within a person.... a sifting .... but I find that within the season the growth is startling as it comes forward....  In my absolute weaknesses I get to see His strength come blazing through.... and in my sorrow I get to see Him bring the most touching of comforts that rivet me to the core of who I am and cause me to stand in awe and wonder ... Because there is none like Him...

He is that He is that He is that He is ... and He is beautiful.... He is remarkable.. He is stunning....

I pause in typing and lay my head down upon my desk... I sit there with the screen's light upon my eyes and I sit and close them....  listening to the hum of my computer and sitting crossed legged I just settle into the moment.. knowing that there are far other places that He ties me to....

For I go to prepare a place for you.. the words ring in my head.... For I go to prepare a place for you.... my heart hurting from the situations of the last week or so... tears dropping from my eyes... and He repeats those words.. For I go to prepare a place for you.... so that you too can be where I am......

My heart lurches forward and my body is racked with sobs....  The world at times holds within its construct punch after punch but not Him.. never Him....  and in these moments He too knows.. for we do not have a High Priest who has not walked these ways......

Never have I left you .. Never have I forsaken you.. I have not left you as an orphan.. words after words flow like rivers of living water.. drenching my soul and calling me towards Him and as I reach I find that I have already been laid a hold of and been brought up into His embrace... before I call He answers and while I yet speak He hears....

Ever so gently He draws me up towards Him and I crumble into Him and just weep and weep and weep... So much upon my heart.. so much upon my mind... the details and specifics actually not important here or I would share.. for the sharing is more about this is the posture we can have with Him....

We can stand and worship.. we can lean and be led... we can sit and learn... we can fall and be carried.....  we can weep and be comforted .. we can laugh and sing and shout and dance and cry out loud... Our God.. Our King... Our Lord.. Our Lover.. Our Friend.. Our Savior.. Our Father.. Our Brother.. Our Comfort.. Our counselor... Our Redeemer...  and it goes forward and on and on and on....

And we will walk with Him always and forever...  and nothing .. nothing gets to separate us from His love..... and that is what empowers us to having done all we still stand.. for it is His love that convinces me that I know in whom I have believed and He carries me forward for His great name's sake...

And the truth comes to set us free

In this blog it has been my attempt.. my journey to unmask the shroud of life around mental illness... to talk openly about what it has meant to me for the Lord to take me from a place of dry bones to a place where I live a life nobody ever anticipated I would ever walk in....

In this blog it has been my attempt to share vulnerably and transparently and authentically about what it has felt like to be mentally ill.. what it has felt like to have no hope.. what it has felt like to find peace and love and joy and growth...

In this blog I have wept and rejoiced and laughed and sighed and been pushed to the brink of sharing more at times then I ever thought I would...

In this blog I thought I knew what authenticity and vulnerability was .. I thought I was a transparent person and then in this blog I learned that really what I thought authenticity was was a far cry from where Jesus wanted for me to walk...

In this blog I have taken time away from it.. needing time to process real life and how raw with you do I want to be... In this blog I have journeyed to a place where I have learned that in sharing the struggles we are more connected then not.... and in sharing life and weakness others get to feel not so alone...

In this blog I have spoken  that there were thought patterns and behaviors that kept me from the truth of God and His affections for me...  Things I believed that caused me to misinterpret the actions of God or those around me.... They kept me from the provision that God pours out.. They kept me from His presence and they kept me from His power..... As I learned to deal with those things in my life and replace lies with truth I have flourished in areas where before I was perishing....

In this blog I now want to invite you to journey with me  into a class that two amazing people are teaching starting at the end of this month... Mitch and Leigha Semones are teaching Founations Of Freedom part 2: Freedom from Strongholds....  (http://www.stirthewater.com/events/index.php?page=events&id=28&event=820 )

The material presented within this class is unparalleled... We hosted a Foundation of Freedoms class back in February and the life giving teaching and ministry that flowed forth propelled people into levels of abundant life that they had yet to experience.....  (You can purchase that video class, 8 sessions.. 16 hours... taught by Rick Sizemore by following this link http://www.stirthewater.com/store/Foundations-of-Freedom )

I have perished because of lack of understanding.. but now I thrive....  These teaches have been a huge part of that journey for me and I encourage you to check them out....

For more information and to register go to http://www.stirthewater.com/events/index.php?page=events&id=28&event=820  Look forward to being in online class with you at the end of the month!

Having Done All One Stands... But One Never Stands Alone

He stood there holding out His hand .. Ah we have been here before.. I just shake my head because we've been here before but He doesn't ... He just holds out His hand and waits.. I slip my hand into His and just stand there waiting for Him to walk but He just stands there too and eventually I look up more to say aren't we going somewhere and He just looks at me and smiles ... That place with Him ..  Holding His hand ..  Seeing Him standing there... Feeling His strength... His comfort... All else truly does just melt away.. In His words a day ... A thousand years.. What is time in these moments... Just standing there ever so quietly holding onto that precious hand.. Leaning into You ... Drinking of Your presence ...  Then their song begins to filter into the air increasing in volume and strength as they come and surround .. Singing ... The most beautiful notes... The most amazing melodies... The reality of these moments more real to the most inner parts of me then anything I know to be true upon the earth.. This time we did not move not one step... The worshippers they came and they went and still we stood.. Well standing... Leaning.. Probably all the same... A sweet breeze floated in and the air lit up with the sweetest of fragrances and He brushed the hair away from my eyes... Still we stood... A palpable strength filled the atmosphere and His posture changed into a more regal of a stance but me ... Me I just continued to lean...   As each moment had me solely as observer ...  The three in one aspect of Him swirling and swirling all around... Fragrance... Song... Strength... Beauty... Peace... Comfort... Liberty... And still we stood but oh so different... So separate from this world .. Yet so in it ... So completely other from it.. So much higher.. So much stronger.. So much richer...   With different eyes seeing that which surrounded me as the here and now became more ...  Shifting perspective .. Quieted heart... Remembrance of His hand and mine held together.. The sweetest of whisperings.. The delightful fragrance... Standing ... Leaning ... Perspective  Sweetness ... Courage... Strength ... Liberty... Standing.. Posturing before His grace.. Kneeling.. Bowing will and need and desire to His grace.. My All in All... He... Him.. Delight of all ages...  Beauty from age to age ... The Same... Alpha... Omega...  My Lord and My God...  

The rarest of fruit.................

Within the dream element meeting last night an individual shared a portion of a dream that she had had and it ignited my soul....

In the part that she shared she spoke of meat that turned into rare fruit and that once it was presented the tables were cleared and the meat shared....  In what she shared also she spoke of children eating....

Like I said it ignited me and only served to confirm that which I know... Our God has always desired for His children to grow and mature... This dream so confirmed what has been growing in my heart.. that to be able to consume the meat of God's ways is a rare fruit of life... but when it was seen the tables were cleared and it was shared.... 

I know there is a hunger in the Spirit for this rare fruit to be shown upon the earth .. in our lives... in our hearts...

There truly is nothing new under the sun.... But the place .. the place where Paul implores the people to grow and be like those that can truly move away from the milk of the faith into maturity....

1 Corinthians 3:1-2:

And I, brethren, could not speak to you as to spiritual men, but as to men of flesh, as to infants in Christ. I gave you milk to drink, not solid food; for you were not yet able to receive it. Indeed, even now you are not yet able, for you are still fleshly. For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly, and are you not walking like mere men?

There is such a strong pull with the Spirit to grow into maturity... a pleading... a yearning... it is the groaning upon creation that the sons and daughters of God be revealed....

 Hebrews 12:

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Now this verse has been on my heart for weeks now...

Not too long ago I felt the Lord asking me what it meant to be a witness.... and we dialogued about what a witness was ... one who has seen something and speaks towards what they have seen.... 

Who are surrounding us.... In Hebrews 11 we have a mighty list of ones who have gone before us and now reside in Heaven...

And what more shall I say? For time will fail me if I tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets, who by faith conquered kingdoms, performed acts of righteousness, obtained promises, shut the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, from weakness were made strong, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection; and others were tortured, not accepting their release, so that they might obtain a better resurrection; and others experienced mockings and scourgings, yes, also chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were tempted, they were put to death with the sword; they went about in sheepskins, in goatskins, being destitute, afflicted, ill-treated (men of whom the world was not worthy), wandering in deserts and mountains and caves and holes in the ground.

I have six children ranging in ages from 3 to 17... both sons and daughters... I have seen children's behavior but I have also watched as my oldest ones are walking away from childish ways and it delights my heart....  I have watched them make amazing choices... and show restraint... and live for others... and not out of duty or obligation or performance but because it is who they are.... it is who they are.. and they have discovered and are discovering paths of wisdom...

Paths of wisdom... that it isn't out of fear that we transform.. not fear of punishment any way....  we transform because we have tasted and seen the goodness of our God and we desire no other way...  It isn't about our circumstances or events that have or are happening... It is as Paul wrote in 2 Timothy...

for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day.

I KNOW who it is that I have BELIEVED and I am CONVINCED....

I placed my belief in our God and I know that I know that I know and I am convinced of what He says about who He is and what the world that I live in is and who I am and where I am going....

Convinced.... That is a powerful place.....  and it is from that place that growth has permeated my heart and my being.... I am no longer like an infant being tossed here and there .. He has provided me with circumstances that have taught me to stand.. that have opened my eyes to His reality and I know that no matter what His faithfulness abounds .. as does His mercy and His loving kindness...

Convinced.. That I am His daughter and that He cares for me... Convinced that who He is is who I want to be ... Convinced that His ways and thoughts are higher than... and that they are worth reaching forward to ... Convinced that my flesh and its desires are no comparison  to the life He offers me... Convinced...

Convinced that childish ways are just that and I have seen in the hallways of ministry more junior high or elementary play ground behavior .. preference... striving... jealousy and envy.. course joking.. strife.. anger.. slander .. abusive speech... and I am convinced that as Paul in Colossians 3 wrote... It is time.. time to put off these things and to grab a hold of what exactly we were grabbed a hold for...

Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. For it is because of these things that the wrath of God will come upon the sons of disobedience, and in them you also once walked, when you were living in them. But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him— a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all.
  So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

I am convinced that beyond most things this.. this is the call reverberating  with the Spirit....  To stand as we are...  To stand as who we are...