Wednesday, December 30, 2009

the possibility for the marvelous is always nothing more than a breathe and a choice away...... even in a day that was just a day

There are some days that are just days... that is what I have thought about today as I have thought about today.... the same old things... kids squabbling... errands that need to be run, conversations that need to be had..... etc, etc, etc...... in the mundane moments of everyday life, comes the opportunity to embrace the second and turn it into something more......

It is in the mundane that the possibility for something more exists.... it is always there..... I admit that being tired often steals that from me.... weariness... the day.. the kids... and it takes energy to overcome .. to pause... to think .... to create..... but the moments that are created are always more precious and the fact that they happened always an incredible feeling...

Laying on the sofa sometimes the last thing I want to do is begin to read a book to one of the kids... I want a moment of quiet solitude... a moment for me..... but if I raise myself from that state and pick up that book and cuddle with that child ... I am never disappointed and that moment is better that it existed then if it hadn't..... Truth be told I have to take the deep breath and remind myself of that fact as I push myself up from the sofa and embrace that child... but in that choice life flows and so does joy...

Creativity is piercing the mundane to find the marvelous..... ( Bill Moyers)

The marvelous always exists... the possibility for the marvelous is always nothing more than a breathe and a choice away......

So as I end this day that was just a day..... I think to myself.. I am fortunate.. I am fortunate and blessed... family and friends and joy exist in my day to day world.... and if I choose to do so I can pull upon creativity ... scrap the bottom of the barrel of energy and find what it will take and choose the marvelous....

"Raise Your Voice"

We learn in school to close our mouths and raise our hands and wait until we are called upon... although that scenario is needed in the class room the accompanying lesson that follows into adulthood can end up being a hindrance. At best it is a social lesson learned that needs to be overcome. At worst it is a lesson that breaks or wounds the very spirit of the individual..... What about the child that is never called upon? Or the child that makes a mistake and is laughed at and doesn't raise their hand again. There are many scenarios... we all either lived them personally or watched them play out in the classrooms of our youth......

There is a passion raising up in me to help unlock the voices of those who have learned to stop speaking..... because of aspects in their lives there are people who don't speak up ... there are people who never learned to speak up..... One thing all of humanity has is a voice... each individual one of us has the capacity to raise a voice and speak up concerning that which is important to them.......

These ideas began to come to me as I realized that through everything I walked through as a child I never spoke up to any adult ... not a relative.. not a teacher... there wasn't one adult that was ever around me that brought me to a place that would have made it safe enough to speak up... at least it never dawned on me to do so.... I was 19 years old before I ever did speak up and then still after that another couple of years passed before I knew how to share and ask for the help I needed.... and years continued to pass before I really learned how to live... really live..... really connect and understand and emerge out of a really weird slumber life state...

I want to be a catalyst to unlock the voices that need to be heard...... so that those that aren't speaking don't have to walk out all those years of life like I did....... saving them time and bringing healing into their lives quicker....

Fear was a big obstacle... I remember being ever so concerned I was going to destroy my family.... That the truth would destroy my life..... but neither the family I was born into nor the family that I have been blessed by God with have been destroyed.... if anything we have all grown stronger through the journey..... with truth came freedom and relief and love... it wasn't easy .. but it wasn't destruction either....

The truth will set you free...... and no matter what valley or mountain that needs to be crossed in the process it is better to be crossed and climbed sooner than later.......

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I have to learn to remind myself... it is all in the twirl

I have the outright crazy blessing of having people in my life that love me for who I am.... that cherish me for that which makes up my personality. More than anything they let me be me..... I love to love... I love to encourage... I love to speak forth words of affection and adoration.... It gets a little hokey at times but I do.... that is me... in a nutshell ... I love to twirl...... oh by the way I got a great series of pictures of Rebekah twirling will post them soon.....

I hide that sometimes.... I hide it when I am unsure of myself and my situation.... I hide it when I am nervous or afraid..... or care more about being rejected then being me..... I'm not talking here about correct boundaries or appropriate ways of behaving in certain circumstances... I'm talking about times when I should just be myself and let those that would gravitate to me do so and those who wouldn't walk away... But sometimes I care about the person who I think will walk away and I want to be who they would gravitate to.... I promised honesty here... if nothing more these posts will be honest, real and transparent......

At that moment in the past I have had more of the tendency to mutate into that other person that they might like but that I don't even recognize...... Well.. I know it isn't closed completely but that chapter in my life is nearing its end... going to slam down that book cover and be done with it...... hopefully.... we'll see... going to try harder and harder though... that is what I am going to do.....

It is all in the twirl..... when the world is spinning and the colors are mixing that is when the best giggles are formed...... it is in that moment of whirling, twirling sounds and colors.... in that moment is where you'll find me... thinking upon some new sight... wondering about some new path.... day dreaming about some new opportunity........ I have to learn to remind myself ... it is all in the twirl......

Trying Something New... You Do Too

Today has begun and it is as though a dam exploded and in flooded idea after idea. Ideas how to proceed in my experiment... answers to prayer.... ideas about how to proceed with my art and fresh ideas for projects that are filling my being faster than I can even get them down on paper......

I have embraced day 16 and realized more than ever that it isn't the emotion... it isn't how I feel on any one day of this experiment... it is all about the choices I make and lean into..... I had hoped for more emotion/experience with this experiment ,and although there are the moments that come that are accompanied by emotion, I am realizing more and more that that is not to be a focus .. not even one iota.... cherish it when it comes but the strength of this is found in action and deliberate choices.......

Side note.. and a look into who I am... not knowing how to say this.. deliberate choices... have been hard for me... locking something into place as what I am going to or am doing... questions of what if this isn't right... what if I am wrong.... In my walk as a Christian I lean very strongly on what is it that I am supposed to do and I have realized lately that sometimes... sometimes it really is ok to walk and walk and take another step and another... and if my direction needs to be changed then it will but I must step and I must not allow fear to hinder me.....

As I have walked more like that .. more just risking and taking steps I have experienced so much freedom and joy.... instead of thinking that I am doing something wrong and waiting for the proverbial rod to come down and bring to bare its correction and consequences I am learning that the Lord delights in my initiative.

I feel like I am living the parable with the master who leaves talents in the hands of his servants and returns to see what it is they have done... I think more than not I have hidden them in the dirt out of concern of doing the wrong thing..... not always but sometimes.... and now... well, now I am living.. breathing... soaring.. in new ways... taking step after step... not thinking "oh this won't work," or "what am I thinking." But just taking each opportunity to try something new.. ..

As a mom of six that really isn't as easy as it sounds but hey just this holiday I tempered in an egg for the first time in my life... had to look it up on google (to even figure out what it meant) but then did it..... so it isn't just grand big (going back to school) type things... I am doing this in the nitty, gritty of walking day in and day out amidst my life and family....
Knowing inside of me that it will be better to try and not have things turn out exactly the way I thought then not try at all.. ok so more of a dah moment but for me it is quite significant.... fear being overcome by love......

So try something new today... and tell me what it is you are doing... risk... try a new recipe... go for a walk.. take a different path... befriend someone or do something out of your personality ..... just do something little..... risk something ... I look forward to hearing all about it..

Sunday, December 27, 2009

So Jim and I have now spent several evenings talking about the passage in James 3:16; For wherever there is jealousy (envy) and contention (rivalry and selfish ambition), there will also be confusion (unrest, disharmony, rebellion) and all sorts of evil and vile practice.

My husband has a passion for ancient Hebrew. He has brought great understanding in the realm of dreams by researching the characters of ancient Hebrew and interpreting what the symbols mean. So the word for jealousy/envy has within it the characteristics of a sun on the horizon, a seed, and an ox head. So it is something that over time grows stronger... a seed allowed to grow......

As we continued to talk so much became clear..... but at one point when Jim described the verse I jumped for what he said was basically the antithesis of my experiment...

The commandment is to love God first above all things and then one another as we would love ourselves...... and then to look at that verse and basically see where it states that when you are desiring something above your desire for God.. and are in disunity that creates an environment that brings forth confusion and "all sorts of evil and vile practices."

Contention and jealousy are what cause the problems... when you are out of unity, and you are not loving people, and you are jealous of what they have or who they are to become then they become the obstacle... or "enemy" to overcome. A willingness to do whatever it takes to have what they have is what leads then to all sorts of evil and vile things..... whatever it takes to bring them down... whatever it takes to preserve that which is thought to be owned....

It doesn't ever really start there.. remember a seed grows stronger over the passage of time... but not kept in check it becomes Saul throwing a spear at David... It becomes any individual willing to do whatever it takes to grasp a hold of that which they have set their eyes upon.

As we continued to talk... I brought up times and areas where I have struggled with jealousy and asked Jim his thoughts upon the matter.... He spoke about how the affection that I had or the love that was in my heart did not allow the jealousy to go unabated..... That the seed wasn't allowed to have full reign because I wasn't willing to allow what I wanted to rule above the love or affection that was within me.....

So you can be jealous and know it and choose time after time to keep it in check or you can be in disunity but not be jealous of someone or something (not at all want what they have)... but when the two, jealousy and disunity, are together there exists confusion and evil and vile practices......

Our discussion ran its course... from Hitler and Germany..... here there is no unity.. The Germans are the Germans and the Jews are not.. and Jealousy .. the Jews were perceived and did have wealth and the Germans at the time were struggling and poor( and needed nation identity)... created an environment for evil to grow and grow and get stronger and stronger...

Now that is obviously a very extreme case.... but what about in our lives, churches, and ministries.... I have seen that combination come together like adverse weather patterns creating the perfect storm ... the perfect tornado..... and rip through people's lives and ministries tearing relationships apart and devouring all that would be good......

In our quest to grow healthy and in my quest to once again think upon ministry and church.. I have brought this up to Jim .. I have asked him how do you keep this from a church... from a ministry... from me personally.... what would you do? What do we do?

Back to the idea of it as a seed..... believing that it is the leader's mandate to be diligent with him/herself and then with those that are gathered...... addressing issues that would lead to disunity... addressing issues that could cause potential jealousy.......

I am even more determined to address these issues in my life.... I have seen them.. I have seen the harm.... I now want to see what happens when we choose each other and when we choose God..... above everything... when we love God and each other......

We know that when two or three are in unity God is there willing to act.. willing to move..... as the Message in Ephesians 4:13 states; God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do. He keeps us in step with each other (unity). His very breath and blood flow through us, nourishing us so that we will grow up healthy in God, robust in love.

In the English Standard Version it is put this way....

And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers]12 to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, 13until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, 14so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. 15Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

May we come together... building one another up.. so that unity can flourish and we are no longer children.... speaking truth in love we will grow and become strong in Christ and in love.............. May those be the seeds we allow to grow in our midst......

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Day 13: My Grade So Far..

Gregory is watching Polar Express... uhm.. the know it all, the doubter, the faith filled girl....... Who am I? At times I am each of those.....

The know it all who doesn't stop to listen..... who needs to learn( maybe close his mouth and realize he doesn't know it all and that is ok) , the faith filled girl ... who needs to lead (I love so many of her lines.... she just believes.. no questions asked) and the boy .... who needs to have faith and believe.... against all doubts... he needs to hear the bell .... he needs to hear the bells and believe that they are ringing.... he needs to take that step of faith.....when those around him can't..... and even as he grows and more around him stop being able to hear it .. he needs to hold onto what he knows and believes.......

The new year is upon us .. in just days it will be here........ a good portion of the first quarter will be about my project..... lots of new beginnings..... I think that the lesson the Lord is trying to bring home is that perfection is an illusion except for Himself.......

Patience is a key....

Admitting weaknesses a necessity....

Control is best left when left in God's hands.......

Change is never easy....

13 days into this project I believe a honest grade of how I am doing at this love thing would be a C.. some days a C- ... some days maybe a C +.... but overall a C ..... there might be moments where an A was more the grade but then on the opposite side the truth is that there have been some moments where I failed..... but I believe I will learn as much from my failures as I will from my successes if not more....

I am learning that fear is usually a factor in my failures.... I had Rebekah go and deliver the plate of chocolates and cookies to our neighbors .. (I had put them by their garage door thinking that they would see the card and the gift but by late afternoon with all their comings and goings they hadn't.) I sent her instead because I didn't want the awkwardness of going to their door... I didn't risk that conversation...

I didn't have the patience needed to truly assist a child through a rough day because he was hurting... I wanted the day to be beautiful and perfect and I was afraid he was ruining it... truthfully..... didn't he know that the plan was to have this perfect, wonderful, family fun filled day...... no he didn't and he was hurting and I didn't really meet him there......

And then when wanting something really badly I had my oldest son ask because I was afraid that the answer would be no and I was really hoping it would be yes...... but was really nervous...... guess what? The answer was YES! But I didn't ask... I sheltered myself from the possible rejection......

Lessons being learned..... My thoughts go to that TV show "Fear Factor." The winner at the end gets to hear the host say, "Fear is not a factor with you!" Well... day 100 here I come..... Life here I come... choices... again choices....... well.... here I go.... into the day.... and all it holds...... trying to overcome fear and risk so as to grow...

I wonder what my grade will be the next time I stop and pause and wonder upon the days gone by....

Thursday, December 24, 2009

A Christmas Lesson Learned from an $8 Double Barrel Nerf Shot Gun

I went to the chiropractor and then to Target..... Yes, back to Target. I wanted to get myself one of those Nerf guns....(Jim had already bought his in the afternoon) and while I was there I picked up some more of the darts for all the kids. (Jim included). When I got home the scene I came into was one where area carpets were all in a state of disarray. I figured there had been a massive Nerf gun war. I was right. As the story played out... a thought came into my head what would I have done if I had been here...... and then the utter shock of my kids that I had bought one of the Nerf guns for myself...... uhmmmmmm

Day 10 ending... and I am looking at myself in a different light........ having opened myself up to any and every possibility that the Lord would bring me through these 100 days I am being hit will some scenarios that are bringing up many questions. I wanted change with this experiment.... I wanted to see who would I be if I loved the Lord with everything in me ... with everything I was capable of and then loved others and treated them as I would want to be treated........ What would 100 days bring?

I don't even really know how to write this ... for I am not even sure of what this is.... but I know that this morning I was concerned with how relevant I am in the lives of my children as they are getting older.... I watched as my daughter grabbed up her Nerf gun and ran through the yard and house and kept up with her brothers...... The excitement on that girl's face that she hit her oldest brother was priceless.....

Well... let me back track... I don't question that I am relevant in their lives in certain areas... I know how to encourage them... how to pass on wisdom to them (well at least the wisdom that I have)... I have learnt and am learning how to bring discipline into their lives so that it brings forth life... I am willing to talk about anything and everything with them (there aren't topics I shy away from just because they might be uncomfortable or hard). So what is this? Well, I don't know fully... but I wonder if I really know how to play with them....... I can bake, cook, read, talk, laugh, etc with them..... but do I loosen up enough and just play with them........

Is that it?

Uhm?

Clarity usually comes for me as I write.... I think that there is a need for me to loosen up a bit still... ok, maybe more than just a bit...... but I think it is more of that control thing....... There was so much life in Rebekah's eyes as she came running into the kitchen telling her stories of "the war," and how she had hit Josh....... brandishing her double barrel Nerf shotgun......

As I write this I realize (I promised to be 100% honest with myself as best as we are able to be honest with ourselves during this experiment) so here it is... the other night when she put on this new dress up dress that I had bought her she looked stunning......I want her to sit and have tea parties and play with dolls, make -up, etc..... my thoughts jump to a time when we went up to visit some friends... all the girls were playing with dolls and were loving it and Rebekah was playing with the one boy in the group...... OK so the girl has grown up around boys.... she has a strong tom boy streak in her..... yet, she has that other side too... but if asked she would say she is more of a tom boy.

What is all this rambling on leading to...... well, I think I am beginning to grasp more of that...... Love is letting a person be who they are and not making them into who you would have them be..... or I in this case.....

Love is stepping into their world! (pause.... pause.. realization hitting me in a way that lights up my heart)

Love is stepping into their world!

Oh Lord... you completely amaze me... you lead me on this rabbit trail to here! To here! On Christmas eve day morning at 5am this is where you bring me with my heart aching and all my questions...... you bring me here.... LOVE IS STEPPING INTO THEIR WORLD!!!!!!!

So I will attempt with all my heart to lay down all the notions of what Rebekah needs to be and I will step into her world...... You stepped into ours.... Wow!!! Tomorrow we celebrate that! You have showed me the way... you never leave us anywhere..... You go before us and prepare the way.. making rough roads smooth... So I might not have a road map on how to exactly walk this road but I know that you will lead me... and that has brought the comfort I needed this morning... You are quite amazing.....

If asked if I wanted to empower my daughter (and sons but I think this has more to do with her and the shock of everyone that I would buy a Nerf gun for myself) I would of course ask YES!!! But it is learning to empower her in the way that will catapult her into her life as she is not who I would make her out to be.......

The Pharisee says this is the law.. this is who you need to be... because it is easier when there are a strict set of rules... but love came to Earth to show us that it is more .. much more a matter of the heart. I think of how Jesus walked with the people... truly walked with them... truly saw them.... who they were... their weaknesses, their strengths... who they were going to be and he spoke into that......

Day 10 has certainly had its lessons and to think most of them came from an $8 double barrel Nerf shotgun.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Day 10 Continues..... loosing control ... priceless moments

Well... uhm.. what to say.. at one point in the day I was close to tears.. thinking I really don't know how to do this..... trying to direct 4 very strong personalities amidst 2 very tired baby/toddler combination . I could see the older ones frustration as we tried to figure out how to all be at the same store and do shopping for each other...... Jim and I will have to think it through better for next year... but at one point I was ready to throw in the towel and just forget it all..... so much for perseverance :)

From standing in an aisle trying to figure out what to do (now we are 8 strong so us standing in an aisle blocks the aisle much to the embarrassment and dismay of our eldest). From something being mismarked and a ten dollar present was really a thirty dollar present and a nine year old girl close to bursting into tears at the check out... to a toddler who loves ... LOVES trains (and yet remember is exhausted) not at all wanting to leave the aisle with all the Thomas stuff.... and a mom ... (and dad) but a mom who really wanted this time together to be really special.

I go shopping and I see families shopping together and I have romanticized that whole thing in my mind... because of our size and schedule we rarely... ok never really ever go shopping together... I go by myself or sometimes I take the two youngest or at other times smattering of children with me.... but at least once a year we all go shopping together..... well, that is the tradition we started last year with cereal shopping.... so today was my day to be all together at the store with my romanticized notion of what it all should be...... as I saw that dissipate into agitation and impatience I tried so very hard to keep it together... taking a lot of those deep breaths and holding my emotions in tight as well as the absolutely, incredibly, strong desire to scream at someone..... praying oh so fervently to keep in check all that is not godly that was rising up inside of me....

You know what it was.. I couldn't control the moment.. I couldn't make it into all I wanted it to be..... when I started to realize that much of the agitation I was feeling was the fact that I wanted to control the moment... I wanted everyone to behave and be kind and be the "story book - Hollywood, Hallmark family" at the store..... as I realized it .. I began to try to use those deep breaths to gain perspective... Were we all together? Yes! Were we at the store? Yes! Did the kids get their cereal? Yes! Were they buying each other presents? Yes! So everyone's attitudes weren't what they could have been but we were together......

Back at home as I stood at my counter reviewing at that had transpired, a feeling of sadness entered my heart...... thinking of what I lacked to truly bring the kids together in a way that produced good fruit not just accomplished what we had wanted to do..... as I was standing there in the moment with those thoughts I began to watch events unfold in front me that have caused me to stand in awe of God.... I stood there and watched the four oldest and then Gregory take these $8 dollar nerf shot guns and begin to play together ... talking to one another... strategizing ...being kind and encouraging..... including Gregory... all that I had wanted in Target was playing out because they had each bought themselves an $8 nerf gun........ Not how I would have done it... not at all ... but they have been playing for over two and a half hours with these things and enjoying themselves and each other........

I guess the lesson for me is letting go of control and the picture in my head .. and allowing life to dance into being.......

Jim's comment.... an $8 nerf shot gun plus an $8 nerf shot gun plus and $8 nerf shot gun plus $8 nerf shot gun plus $8 nerf shot gun (oh excuse me.. I've been corrected $ 8 double barrel nerf shot gun) 5 kids playing for hours together PRICELESS!!!

Day 10 --- Twirl Through Life... I mean it Twirl!!!

There are so many moments when I want what I want... mostly time and quiet..... but I am learning to take some more of those deep breaths and look into the eyes of the children and get lost there...... I know that some where there is a balance but I am wondering maybe not........

"Play with me," Gregory asks.... Rebekah wants to play a game or watch a movie.... and I want some time... sometimes just to do something as inane as playing a game myself on the computer... or read something on the web. What are the things that steal time from us... that steal the life out of a family.

We all love our distractions whatever they may be..... Is it a product of the society we live in.. the high pace... high technical aspect of our culture.... I'm beginning to think we aren't as advanced as we would think... especially if those advancements steal from us the very thing that makes us human.....

Yesterday I was sitting in the sun room with Elizabeth on my lap and Josh was sitting on the sofa (on top of a pile of laundry I must say.. sorry mom) and the other children ventured in.... we didn't have any striking conversation for the most part we just sat in silence... But it was in that silence that life flowed into the room..... A sense of that which knits us together... now, Josh will tell you that he was just too tired to get up... and maybe I was just too enthralled with the moment to even breath but there was something strong in that moment that witnesses to the fact that in the silence of that moment was life and the being together was strengthening....

The truth is found in the book of Isaiah .. 15 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength, "

In that quiet moment yesterday I found a strength. It is lost when our family doesn't take the time to turn off all that would scream for our attention. It is lost when we each go our own ways during times that we could all choose each other.

Believe me I am not saying always but how many times do we choose to do something inconsequential instead of choosing to take that last bit of stored up energy reserve (or even scrap the bottom of an empty tank) and curl up next to each other and laugh and talk and be silly and chatter about nothing and everything and finger paint and the list goes on and on

..... today we will do a Christmas Mad Lib just for the fun of it......

Today we are making a trip to Walmart for the second year in a row for the buying of the junk cereal.... once a year the children are allowed to pick out two packages of any cereal they want... I participated last year and found myself reliving the tastes of childhood in a box of Pops and Fruit Loops... :)

Then off to Target for sibling presents and then home again ... home again to enjoy a HUGE box of chocolates and tons of hot chocolate courtesy of some very old friends.......

I must take photos... I can feel it in me the need to chronicle this day in pictures....

I can't wait for the laughs that will come and the joy that will be ours and the peace that comes from knowing we are far from perfect but we are who we are and I love every bit of it.....

I welcome myself to day 10! Have Fun.... (I'm talking to myself here).... Have fun.. grab a hold of those kids and hug them and kiss them and laugh with them.... hold the sounds in your heart... hold the sights in your mind's eye and breath in the strength that being together brings......

love today for it will never be able to be relived... speak life today into those children of yours for there is so much they face that would tear them down... don't be one of those ..... watch and wait for those quiet moments to whisper into their ears a blessing of life..... surprise one with a hug from behind.... and twirl with Rebekah... oh every day I must remember to teach her to twirl.... (It is something between her and I --- side note here .. one day walking up the hill towards the house I took her hand and extended her as far from me as I could... and we twirled and spun around each other and I told her to twirl through life...... don't just walk the straight path but twirl... twirl up the street... twirl in the mall... twirl.. twirl ... twirl.. no matter who is watching.... for maybe they will learn to twirl too!)

Have a great day 10.. self... have a great day 10~~~

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Day 7.. In The Trenches of Family Life

Day 7.....

Love is tested when working with a grumpy pre teen

Love is tested when working with 7 other people and trying to decorate a Christmas tree

Love is tested when there is much to be done...

Love is tested when everyone wants to do something their way and feelings get hurt and navigating those paths seem near to next impossible....

I wanted today to be special ... I was up at 6:30 with Gregory saying "get up, mommy." Ok Ok God day number 7 (what I didn't say was I am in this weird sleep habit... pass out early then wake up and then can't fall back to sleep for a few hours in the middle of the night)..... but day 7.. much to do... but I want to make this day special from the beginning..... much to do ... much to get done... want to be purposefully full of life and joy.. and infect my house with it

Walmart run number one on the list (was tempted at 2:30am to go but finished watching the movie I was watching when I fell asleep) Thought about the morning.. Jim looked tired.. he was watching Polar Express with Gregory... decided to take Elizabeth with me (although Jim would have let me leave her home...) learning that it is some of those very small decisions that create the best moments..... and I did have a blast with her....... and Jim was able to snuggle in with Gregory and enjoy his moments.....

Home at 9 ... unpack the car..... passing out orders on what goes where... between two refrigerators/freezers and a deep freeze.. two pantries.. there is many a place... dealing with a very grumpy pre- teen.... who has been very grumpy for days... DAYS..... pause... deep breathe... pull aside... speak to him telling him he can't say thus and so to his sister and brother..... more sibling interacts that aren't very Christmassy.... deeeeep breathe.... let out..... deeeep breathe ... let out... I am laboring for their very souls..... at least it feels that way.. patience.. must demonstrate patience... MUST ......

Finish unpacking car... teenager awake.. needs to go to the mall.. mall opens at ten... headed to the mall before it gets crazy ....... shop for things he needs ... things I need.... have lunch together... talk..... share...

He bought some of his music at Barnes and Nobles..... ok.. have more errands to run... his music blaring.... loud... oh so loud... was that the f--- word????????? Aren't we Christians????? Want to censor everything.... praying quickly praying under my breathe... pause to listen to lyrics..... political commentary... loud... but really not bad.... decide to use it as a teachable moment... but wait who is being taught... me? or him? hhhhhmmmmmmmm... Wonderful moment and though I would never listen to some of that music... I watch him and I listen and I see him... really see him.. and I wonder if that is why the every day people of Jesus' day loved him...... because He was connected with them ... where they were... calling them to more but meeting them where they are..... (please know I hate all curse language..... but am walking a line with my son I haven't traveled and am feeling my way)

B Js and Trader Joes...... more music... loud... very loud... but learning .......

home again...

enter house to find kitchen not necessarily the way I would have liked...... more things to bring in.... chores .... grumpy pre teen being very grumpy.... deep breathe.... deep breathe......

Want the rest of the day to be special.... Take a deep breathe again.. and start watching my words and asking my family for what I want... Husband wonderful.... very wonderful..... pulls in boxes from garage to decorate tree...... Want to hang our Christmas Nail on the tree... a special ornament we hang every year for the last 7 years...... and have a reading of The Tale of Three Trees...... (can't get through that book without tears) ... Been doing a lot of deep breaths.... need Jim... he steps in and takes over... learning that when one is weak the other is strong and I can acknowledge when I am weak... God always gives an out... always... we just have to be willing to take it......

The nail is on the tree... the book is read... all the kids are around decorating the tree and although that grumpy kid is back and forth from his room to being with the family... we are handling it .. peacefully ... firmly.. kindly every time... EVERY time... I emphasize every... not because I am so proud of us for doing so well but because there were many times for this to be practiced...... oh more of those deep breathes...

Then decorating the front of the house... finally but it is very important to a very special 9 year old.. who by the way loved being on her daddy's shoulders as she placed the star today... wonderful moment.....

Love is tested living a life in a family... moment after moment.. I can be patient.. I can fill my children's lives with moments of love and magic and joy... or I can be grumpy, impatient... and irritable.... how I am affects the lives of my kids and my husband..... the choices are oh so very important.... trying really hard to fill their lives with quality moments of family life is my deepest desire... but it is a moment by moment choice... lived out in the trenches of daily family living....

Saturday, December 19, 2009

What does this look like to you Lord ... In my life ... How does this play out?

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

What injustice do you see in my town or area that I could make a difference in?
What chains? What cords can I untie... in my life.. in the lives of my kids.. in the lives of my family... neighbors? Community?

Where does oppression feed itself in my back yard? Have I been blind? Have I not seen?

Lord show me how in my life does this play itself out... Keep my eyes open to suffering.....

There are places where the injustices are obvious and we can call and write and visit.... but what about here in on my street? In my town? Maybe not so obvious... maybe we are better at hiding it... looking the other way.... Keeping things clean around us so we don't have to see... But where Lord ... where ... I don't want to blind or ignorant....

Day 6 -- Bringing the Lessons Home... Oh the possibilities....

It is work... It is work to close ones mouth when there is oh so much that could be said...

It is work to take a deep breathe and let it out before addressing another human being when all you want to do is take that human being's head and shake some sense into it... (ok my pre teen )

It is work to put down that which you want to do and pay attention to another's needs...

It is work to sit and read the same book over and over again with out skipping words or pages... come on I know I am not the only one who does this...

It is work to be patient, kind, humble .....

You know when it is the most work... don't you?

For me it isn't when I think back to the times when I was out and ministering. It wasn't the times when I was with my friends.

It is the day in and day out ... minute to minute .... loving a 10 month old (ok .. she is easy), a 3 year old (oh .. there are times.... there are times ), my first daughter who has reached a very new stage that I am trying to understand... all I can say is she makes the older boys look a cake walk... and the list goes up and on.... Three older boys... with different needs, wants, personalities... etc etc etc... and on top of them my absolutely fabulous husband who ( I know this is very hard to believe) isn't always absolutely fabulous... ok maybe 99.9999% of the time but you know that .0001 percent is what really gets you.... well, and then there is the dog....

What is it that I am confessing..... Is it just me?

Well if it is then it is a true confession.... it is easier to love those that you aren't around all the time... we are more cordial at times to the stranger passing on the street then we are to those that we live with... at least I am .... hopefully I can use the past tense word "was" some day soon...

This experiment only in its 6th day is holding me accountable.. I think more before I say something... I take deep breathes before addressing the child who has left the task undone although asked to do it .. oh probably at least 10 times... I think how can I show them love... patience, kindness and most of all self - control... I am thinking more about every action and every word..... It is work.....

Isn't it funny that when we tell our children to stop screaming we are usually screaming ourselves....

I am bringing these lessons home..... and I am finding that I am kinder... if I take that moment to think about it... I chose my husband as the man I will live all my days with.. we chose to have 6 kids... those were our choices.... and why wouldn't I want our days to be the best days they could be... filled with joy and laughter and kindness and wonderment and peace...... I think I just didn't take the time as much before to pause.. .to hesitate... to think before I spoke or acted.... saying I was tired or annoyed.... allowing myself excuses....

I am really enjoying this experiment.... it is hard work... but it is the best kind of work... and I am seeing that God is more into all the details of life.. more than I ever knew before....

Friday, December 18, 2009

Isn't this just a given ... a mathematical equation... and a real confession of what I am not

Now I don't know math at all... I have a sister in law who is amazing at it but me not so much... so I guess a given is something that just is true.... in some geometric term... so sorry Joanne..
So because of my ignorance I went searching....

here is what I found.....

It means that whatever "it" is, it was already assumed true from the beginning, and no one needed to prove it.

It basically means that something is understood to be true, or is widely known, or is certain.

Well.. isn't it a given that Christian = love.... uhm, sadly not the case... I don't have to tell anybody that...... the equation ends up equaling some far different.....

You know what... I am a selfish person.. I like my time, my things, my way.... I like my opinions... I like being right... I am inpatient.... like to hold a grudge.... like to think I am right .... I am envious.. I am boastful... I am jealous.. I am self seeking... I am easily angered... can I say I delight in evil and falsehood .. I don't know about that one... but I do know I don't always rejoice with the truth...... I want it to be my version of the truth.... I can be rude... I can be proud.... I don't always protect... I am quick to judge.....I don't always hope and I certainly don't always persevere... I want my way.. I want it now... I don't want to endure all things......

That is me... take a good picture ... that is me..... These five days have only shown me how much that was me before I put before God and myself that I was going to see what living 100 days in love would do......

So I am thinking of others more already and looking for opportunities to be the hands and feet of the one whose name I want to bare........ words and writing are easy for me... this is not easy for me... so I purposefully choose moment after moment... when I feel selfishness creeping in .. I nip it in the bud... I didn't do that before..... when I want to be angry about something or think I have a right to feel a certain way I examine it much more carefully... usually realizing that it wasn't as important as I thought it all was......

So love and living love and making those choices as a Christian it isn't a given... it is a purposeful action for me.... a choice to be made....

100 Day Experiment --- Living Love

To be mindful everyday of the fact that we are told to love the Lord with all that is within us.... and to love one another.....

Fabulous scriptures then speak of how to do just that.... putting off .... take upon..... walk this way..... watch.... look ... act.... opportunities abound......

To live purposefully and with full action......

passages like those in Ephesians:

15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. 18Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I don't want this to become a religious act... but one where I am becoming an imitator of God ... isn't that a funny statement... but I am not doing this out of some religious obligation or notion....

My premise is that at the end of 100 days I will know more of the Lord and His heart for myself and His people.... and I will have experienced the joy not some euphoria but the true joy that comes from becoming more like Him and living in the ways that He set before us.... not giving myself an out or an excuse but by living love day in and day out... when tired .... when I don't feel like it.... when selfishness and exhaustion bear down upon me.... who am I.... Who do I want to be..... who is He and how can I become more like Him......

Day 5.... 8 am...... don't know what the day holds but am looking forward to all the opportunities to put myself to death and live in patience, kindness, self control...

so today 1 Corinthians 13... will be my guide

1 Corinthians 13 (Amplified Bible)

1 Corinthians 13

1IF I [can] speak in the tongues of men and [even] of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such [a]as is inspired by God's love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2And if I have prophetic powers ([b]the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God's love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).

3Even if I dole out all that I have [to the poor in providing] food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or [c] in order that I may glory, but have not love (God's love in me), I gain nothing.

4Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

8Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy ([d]the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will lose its value and be superseded by truth].

9For our knowledge is fragmentary (incomplete and imperfect), and our prophecy (our teaching) is fragmentary (incomplete and imperfect).

10But when the complete and perfect (total) comes, the incomplete and imperfect will vanish away (become antiquated, void, and superseded).

11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; now that I have become a man, I am done with childish ways and have put them aside.

12For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as [e]in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand [f]fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been [g]fully and clearly known and understood [[h]by God].

13And so faith, hope, love abide [faith--conviction and belief respecting man's relation to God and divine things; hope--joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation; love--true affection for God and man, growing out of God's love for and in us], these three; but the greatest of these is love.


And 1 Peter 4:8 bove all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins [forgives and [e]disregards the offenses of others]

who would we be.... what would the world look like..... How will the Lord be glorified .. if we choose day in and day out... moment after moment.. to live this way... uhm... TRYING REALLY TRYING

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Becoming Real

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.


"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"


"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."


"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.


"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."


"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"


"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."


"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

My Newest Experiment

Experiment.... Day #4

I began an experiment this week......

Putting Isaiah 58 into my life:

6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness [a] will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

Armed with those verses and the commandment to love God and others... I have begun this experiment......
How can I live a life of Isaiah 58 and the commandment to daily love God with all that I am.......
I have prayed for opportunities to come my way while also seeking out those opportunities....
Here is what I have so far on day 4...... I have been a better mother.... swallowing impatience, sitting on the floor more with a 3 yr old and a 9 month old (hey those are my biggest daily opportunities)...
I am embracing opportunities to help families in need as I have heard of them....
I might not have a lot to give but these are my fish and loaves......

Who does not want to cry to the Lord and have Him answer or who does not what their light to break forth light the dawn?

So even to my neighbors... you know the ones some of you know about... cookies are being baked for them.... and a Christmas card written for them...

I think if we put the practices we preach into action ... life .. well life will be much different.... that is the experiment..... I don't think you need specific revelation to grab something written in the bible and start living it out...... Stay tuned

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Kingdom Waltz

That we would have eyes to see and ears to hear and a heart that comprehends.......

For your ways are not my ways ... my ways are higher than

The Kingdom of God is not some American corporation with the proverbial "ladder" that we must climb in order to reach some fantastic goal..... but all too often ministries and individuals succumb to that notion and apply an earthly world view to the dynamics of ministry and Kingdom life.

There are many areas where we plainly get it wrong..... and the church world grabs a hold of some new principal and hails it as the next best thing to advance individuals in their spiritual climbs..... I think it is the temptation of humanity to grab a hold of some "new" idea that will propel them into a greater more anointed walk with the Lord. But neither those lessons nor those temptations are new.

I want to see my Father's Kingdom come and His will be done here on Earth as it is in Heaven..... I want to see His heart manifested upon the Earth and His rule expand across the vast waves of humanity. I want to see the eyes of those that live in darkness opened to His glorious light... There is a day coming that is written in stone. There will be a wedding. There will be a bride.... A bride whose eyes are solely fixed upon Him..... whose identity is solid and affections are true......

How do we get there? How do we become who we need to be? The truth as it is and not as we would make it out to be is what will set us free........ and there are no short cuts... no new ideas.... but an ancient one whose strength and power has stood strong through the centuries..... one that if we were to only lay a hold of we would be the very ones we were created to be.........

If we day in and day out... beginning our day... living our day... ending our day... loving the Lord with all our heart..... and each other we would advance our Father's purposes on Earth much more rapidly than any other "new" five step plan....


Mark 12

The Great Commandment

28(AV) And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, "Which commandment is the most important of all?" 29Jesus answered, "The most important is,(AW) 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God,(AX) the Lord is one. 30And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' 31(AY) The second is this:(AZ) 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment(BA) greater than these." 32And the scribe said to him, "You are right, Teacher. You have truly said that(BB) he is one, and(BC) there is no other besides him. 33And to love him with all the heart and with all(BD) the understanding and with all the strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself,(BE) is much more than all(BF) whole burnt offerings and sacrifices." 34And when Jesus saw that he answered wisely, he said to him, "You are not far from the kingdom of God."(BG) And after that no one dared to ask him any more questions.

Two things stick out to me here... Jesus saying you are not far from the kingdom of God and then that no one dared to ask him any more questions..... the truth is the truth.... it silences those that would argue....or at least it should....

I was blown away... ecstatic upon finding a specific blog written by a ministry consultant... very earnest and to the point he eloquently without pulling any punches speaks the truth..... In response to one entry he replies:

Your comment, “he has given me a book with thirty ways that we can reach people on every level and we can all become a tool for reaching souls while helping someone in our everyday lives and helping people while giving a taste of the gospel.” is completely unbiblical.
We are not to find ways to reach people. It is by the preaching of the Cross and this alone that reaches people. All other ways are strategies, as good intentioned as they are, they fail to align itself with the will of God.

1 Corinthians 1:18:
For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.

It has often truly bothered me to read about some brilliant new five step plan... or five year plan... or eight ways to become more productive........ What five year plan would reproduce the falling of the walls of Jericho, the feeding of the 5000, the parting of the Red Sea...... It is by knowing God and following him daily that we learn His ways....... At times I wonder if these well meaning strategies are more like the golden calf... an idol we can hold onto and adhere to and touch and see removing the need to trust and follow after God.........

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The difference peace makes and why we need to care

I got up one morning very early to go stand in line for a toy... not bread.....

I turn on the faucet... I do not walk mile upon mile to get water

I go to a closet or a chest of drawers both filled with clothes and I get dressed.. my children do the same

I open the refrigerator or freezer and I pull out food... I go to a store lined aisle after aisle with food...

I tuck my children into bed at night.. they all have a bed.. blankets.. pillows... I turn off a light and I close a door... I do not worry that tomorrow will not come for them..

My children have not known war.... their eyes have not seen blood.. their ears have not heard bombs .....

It dawned on me that day that I take peace for granted.... and I began to thank God for peace... for the fact that my children live in a place that doesn't know the day in and day out effects of war......

My husband travels for business at most a week .. more than not 3 - 4 days... I miss him... I miss the help he is... the kids miss him .. but he is not away in a foreign land fighting a war to keep me and my way of life safe...

I am an American and just for that fact there are places in the world that I am hated..... I am a born again Christian who loves the Lord and teaches my children to do so... there are places in the world (and my country) where I am hated and mocked for my beliefs......

but there are places in the world that I do not understand... that I have never walked in the shoes of the citizens there... I have not lived their lives or faced their losses.... nothing makes violence alright but who would I be if I did not live in a land of peace... if I had seen mother/father, aunt/uncle, grandparents, cousins, siblings killed in front of me... who would I be if my people were being killed just because of an ethnicity or a religion..... who would I be.....

I read today a blog entry about the civil war in Sri Lanka... to my fault I was ignorant of the situation there... but as I read the blog and then the comments my heart was torn... in my belief system we use words to communicate... we use our power to vote .... we enjoy freedom of speech ... but who would I be if that was all taken away.... if my children faced war day in and day out and hunger... and death.... and their was no freedom of speech and there was no "real" vote... what would I do if it wasn't a given that the bus that takes my child to school would make it there and back safely... how would I view a suicide bomber upon that bus....

I read the comments ... there were those from both sides commenting on the blog posting.. it was eye opening... it was heart breaking ..... there are always moms and dads on both sides... women who have carried a baby within them... given birth to a child... had hopes and dreams for that child... men who have wanted to provide for their families... keep them safe from harm... who would we be if those weren't just something we took for granted ... who would we be if we didn't live in a place where peace was for the most part taken for granted....

Sunday, December 13, 2009

That which we must do

6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness [a] will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

Waking up and Learning to Speak

Waking up and Learning to Speak

In the twenty sixth year of my life I woke up and twelve years later I have found my voice.....

I used to be terrified that if I spoke I would ruin my family. So I retreated into a world of my own creation where lies ruled and life was nothing more than a dazed blurry of events that I stumbled through.

I lived that way for so long...... too long....

I think of all the times where my behavior screamed a loud for attention. Where my body shook out of desperation and yet my actions went unnoticed. Time after time.......


I know I am one of the lucky ones....... I know that where I have come to is but a gift of grace.... I have made choices, yes.... but the strength, to make them and then to walk in them, has come from others and from above......

There are too many voices that aren't heard.... and we need to care.... I need to care...... to act...... to educate..... to be a hand that reaches back into the recesses of darkness and pull forth others that are entangled in its grip.......

Friday, December 4, 2009

Lessons Learned on a Three Year Hiatus

"Is this community big enough for us to not be friends?" You read it right... That question began one of the most honest conversations that I had ever had with a friend..... Yes, we were friends. But we lived in a community where at times... well, we joke and say it was the best of times and the worst of times....... and then another friend of mine and I joke that when we write the book ... well, that time in our lives will have it's own chapter... (atleast)

What am I saying? Why this morning.... why these words..... Well I just read an article that moved me..... a commentator expressing his views on watching the movie "Blind Side." Which I loved by the way... side note.... It talked about appreciating what we have and knowing what is truly important....

That friend of mine that I had that conversation with ... well, she is an incredible person... and I love knowing her... she is full of life and energy and a vibrancy that shakes the world.... knowing her changed me... helped me see that some things weren't always as important as I would make them out to be... helped me loosen up a bit....

So the article.. go read it .. I linked it on my facebook page as well.. originally found on CNN.... talked about entitlement.... that we have lost an appreciation for well.. being appreciative because we feel we are due something or owed something... while forgetting to just be grateful and thankful...

For all of my Christian walk I have been in Charismatic circles... having been on a hiatus for more than three years belonging to no congregation nor attending any where weekly... I have gone through many journeys..... the one I am the most grateful for is the break from Charis mania.. a striving to walk in gifts more than character.. more than love.... a looking for anointing before embracing the person next to you for who they are......

That is what had brought my friend and I to the point of that previously mentioned conversation... I had lost the essence of what being a Christian truly means.... and jealousy and envy had taken root.... The bible says where those things are so does every evil thing exist....... and its true... we had lost love because we had thought that the favor or the anointing one had was more important than the actual person standing in front of us ...

Now don't get me wrong... I love ... LOVE ... The gifts of God... but the journey I have been on these last three years has shown me that love, friendship, and family is the greatest of these.... truly.... as people who pursue the movements of God ... let us first pursue love.... because one day prophecy will pass away.. all will pass away... BUT Love will endure forever!