Well... uhm.. what to say.. at one point in the day I was close to tears.. thinking I really don't know how to do this..... trying to direct 4 very strong personalities amidst 2 very tired baby/toddler combination . I could see the older ones frustration as we tried to figure out how to all be at the same store and do shopping for each other...... Jim and I will have to think it through better for next year... but at one point I was ready to throw in the towel and just forget it all..... so much for perseverance :)
From standing in an aisle trying to figure out what to do (now we are 8 strong so us standing in an aisle blocks the aisle much to the embarrassment and dismay of our eldest). From something being mismarked and a ten dollar present was really a thirty dollar present and a nine year old girl close to bursting into tears at the check out... to a toddler who loves ... LOVES trains (and yet remember is exhausted) not at all wanting to leave the aisle with all the Thomas stuff.... and a mom ... (and dad) but a mom who really wanted this time together to be really special.
I go shopping and I see families shopping together and I have romanticized that whole thing in my mind... because of our size and schedule we rarely... ok never really ever go shopping together... I go by myself or sometimes I take the two youngest or at other times smattering of children with me.... but at least once a year we all go shopping together..... well, that is the tradition we started last year with cereal shopping.... so today was my day to be all together at the store with my romanticized notion of what it all should be...... as I saw that dissipate into agitation and impatience I tried so very hard to keep it together... taking a lot of those deep breaths and holding my emotions in tight as well as the absolutely, incredibly, strong desire to scream at someone..... praying oh so fervently to keep in check all that is not godly that was rising up inside of me....
You know what it was.. I couldn't control the moment.. I couldn't make it into all I wanted it to be..... when I started to realize that much of the agitation I was feeling was the fact that I wanted to control the moment... I wanted everyone to behave and be kind and be the "story book - Hollywood, Hallmark family" at the store..... as I realized it .. I began to try to use those deep breaths to gain perspective... Were we all together? Yes! Were we at the store? Yes! Did the kids get their cereal? Yes! Were they buying each other presents? Yes! So everyone's attitudes weren't what they could have been but we were together......
Back at home as I stood at my counter reviewing at that had transpired, a feeling of sadness entered my heart...... thinking of what I lacked to truly bring the kids together in a way that produced good fruit not just accomplished what we had wanted to do..... as I was standing there in the moment with those thoughts I began to watch events unfold in front me that have caused me to stand in awe of God.... I stood there and watched the four oldest and then Gregory take these $8 dollar nerf shot guns and begin to play together ... talking to one another... strategizing ...being kind and encouraging..... including Gregory... all that I had wanted in Target was playing out because they had each bought themselves an $8 nerf gun........ Not how I would have done it... not at all ... but they have been playing for over two and a half hours with these things and enjoying themselves and each other........
I guess the lesson for me is letting go of control and the picture in my head .. and allowing life to dance into being.......
Jim's comment.... an $8 nerf shot gun plus an $8 nerf shot gun plus and $8 nerf shot gun plus $8 nerf shot gun plus $8 nerf shot gun (oh excuse me.. I've been corrected $ 8 double barrel nerf shot gun) 5 kids playing for hours together PRICELESS!!!
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praise7YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND BLESSED
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