Friday, October 30, 2009

BUT I WANT TO BE A CARROT!

In her song, "I Saw What I Saw," Sara Groves puts into words her heart about a journey that she went on in Africa. As I listened to her song and watched the video the Lord spoke into my heart concerning the church. It was a Father's heart for His Son and the Bride that one day will be His.

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
(what I am made of)
and what I know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

Something on the road, touched my very soul

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, changed my world

I can't imagine what Africa does to someone. I can listen to the stories and look at pictures. However I have never stepped foot upon Her soil. I have never looked into the eyes of one of Her children. So I wondered what the comparison to my life was within the words of this incredible song. In no way wanting to minimize the message presented I wanted to tread carefully.

At the same time as I was processing these words there were many other influences flooding into my life. I stepped into a place where verse after verse would dance within the recesses of my mind and lodge there. It was as if ingredient after ingredient was being added. The lyrics to "I Saw What I Saw," Philippians 2: 1-18:

Philippians 2:1-18 (English Standard Version)

Philippians 2

Christ’s Example of Humility

1So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.3Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7butmade himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Lights in the World

12Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

14Do all things without grumbling or questioning, 15that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. 17Even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all.18Likewise you also should be glad and rejoice with me.

There were other verses that pounded into my heart as though I was being resuscitated. In a very real way I was being brought back from the dead. I had allowed "ministry" and its earthly ugliness to wrap its tentacles around my heart, I had allowed cynicism and judgment to go unchecked.

And then I had a dream..... In which I knew I was being disciplined by the Lord.... I did not wake up repentant. Seriously. I didn't. I woke up angry and a defeated spirit was there to immediately grab a hold of the moment. Inside I was like, "really God.. really this is what you are saying to me...." I was so angry. I felt like the flickering wick being put out... or the reed that was already bent over being snapped in two.

Then a choice would I receive this anger and allow hardness in my heart to get harder or would I choose to understand that in that moment the Lord was being the loving Father, He promises to be... in that moment He was bringing His discipline so as to correct the path I was walking down.... because He disciplines those that He loves.... As it is written in the Message:

But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline;
don't sulk under his loving correction.
It's the child he loves that God corrects;
a father's delight is behind all this.

And the as in Isaiah 30:

The LORD Will Be Gracious

18Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the LORD is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.

19For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. 20And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. 21 And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. 22Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, "Be gone!"

He brought many things towards me... I read in a friend's blog how one can either be a carrot or an egg. I was appalled by my heart.. ( not God.. He is never surprised at the condition of a man's heart) but I was... surprised at how hard I had allowed myself to become. How filled with judgment and anger I was. So in his message, my friend, Rick Sizemore, spoke about how you can either get really hard or tender and soft... for when both, a carrot and an egg are put into a boiling pot of water that is what happens. The question was poised: Are you an egg? Or are you a carrot? My heart sunk.... I had become very definitely an egg... at the same moment I cried out "But I want to be a Carrot!" And that was all that God was looking for from me!!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Ten Thousand Miles and beyond

There are things in life that are dark. Regrets shrouded in shame. Moments that can't be ignored or changed. How often have I written about looking back and remembering days that I would rather leave alone. If there was a moment I would change.. well, there would be many but this one .. .this one would be the one I would pick.... There isn't a day I don't think about him and wonder what if... There isn't a day where I wish I had chosen differently..................

You remember I stood next to you. I stood by your side... and took your right hand.... Your astonishment that I would be there was apparent. But I am who I am and there was no other place that I would have been. One of my hands on your heart ... one holding yours..... sheltering you with my love and declaring by my presence that darkness would not lay a hold of this moment and that death would not have the final word................... and then it was finished................... and I wrapped him in my arms of love and brought him home with me so that he could be where I was... for I had prepared a place for him... for in My Father's house are many rooms and if it were not so I would have told you...... I prepared a place for him so that he could be where I am and I will come again and will take you to myself .. that where I am.. that where he lives.. you may be also.

It was I, who on the day that I brought to me one of my very own... opened up a door of sight for you. I caused you to look up and see the child holding the hand of a grandmother. On days when you have questioned who you are as a mother it was I that drew his attention to you, to speak to you, and appear before you, and to say to you from his heart that you are a very good mother... I could have spoken it directly to you ... but coming from him I knew you would receive it into the deepest parts of you..... and it was I who opened up the door so that you could stand before me together lifting up your voices of song..... so you two journey separately but always together..... and there will be a time where no time and no distance separates you ever again......

I think of her standing before you and a screaming mob.... I think of how you bent down and wrote in the sand...... how you disarmed those that would condemn her by bringing to their attention the fact that they too stood to be condemned.....

I long to live within your very nature and to carry that torch of life and love and the victory of your death....... How often do I get it wrong .... but your forgiveness carries me ten thousand miles and beyond ... to the day when I will with all of those before me kneel and bow and declare that Your name is higher than every name... and that Jesus Christ you are my Lord....

Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Sharing of Secrets..... The Truest of Confessions.... and a Brithday Present From the Father

Sitting on the sofa this morning I began to reflect upon a moment that I had with the Father. I had begun to wake up and as I did it I felt Him there. He was inviting me to ask Him for a present for my Birthday.

I laid there and as I thought about it and thought about it and thought about all the things it would be good to ask for.... I heard Him whisper the answer. Now that might sound like He took the choice away from me however as I was thinking I was asking in my heart of hearts for Him to show me what answer would be the best.....

A funny side note and then I will share a secret. As I was waking up I could sense Him there. I could feel the warmth of His presence. The sheltering safety of His love. I snuggled into the blankets just to enjoy the moment. All these words floated into my head: "Dream," "Childlike Faith," "Uninhibited." I thought he was giving me something to write and I began to think about what it means to live in a place of uninhibited childlike faith. Where it is natural .. purely natural to know... not to think... not to wonder... not to doubt... but to know that anything you dream of is possible and anything you think up you can achieve. Now I think I will explore the possibilities of that piece but as I drifted off into the world of words is when I heard the question asked. I think upon that moment now and smile for I think He was showing me that I was somewhat off track of His intended purposes...

Oh how gently does He lead us. Oh how very kind His sweet rebuke. His love filled the room even more and I allowed it to saturate every part of me.... He was loving me into a place where I could hear what the best answer would be for me in this moment... so that I could receive it. And here is where the sharing of secrets begins....

Years and years ago ... seemingly another life ago Jim and I began a journey together. We found something that hit the very core of who we both were and we embarked upon a journey of learning about character, hearing God's voice, and discovering that you can unlock a dream and meet God there. The path became illuminated for us and we have walked upon it for the last decade.

Now for the secret.... (I feel like my nine year old daughter giggling in a corner with the sharing of secrets as she does with her best friends) ok, back to the moment... over the last few years specifically we have been completing our most important of tasks we were given. We were in a season of fulfilling what we felt God wanted for our family. It was going to take six pregnancies to bring forth an amazing son and an incredible little girl so as to complete our family here on Earth.

That is not the secret... here is the secret... I love that God speaks in dreams (still not the secret)... I love that He uses the night seasons ... when we are less inhibited to receive from Him to woo us towards Him and His ways (still not the secret) however (here is the secret) I came to the place where I didn't feel one iota of a inkling to look at a dream let alone interpret one.

I dreaded, absolutely dreaded, when anyone would ask me about a dream. (please don't feel bad if you were one of those people... my love and affection for those who would ask far superseded my dread of interpreting.) I came to the place where I not only dreaded being asked but truly felt like I couldn't really do what had once come so easily. Dreams and dream interpretation seemed like a whole other world to me... seemed foreign to me.. like something I really didn't want to engage in.....

This is truly the first time I have even expressed this place that I have dwelled. Being Jim's wife it felt weird to be living there and I have lived there for years... Being pregnant, or having miscarriage after miscarriage when you know the one thing God wants from you is to a have a baby, or raising a baby and a toddler amidst an already very busy family takes a lot of time and emotional energy. ( ok..a no duh moment here.. just smile.. that is what I am doing) But we had been doing that as we had walked the journey the first time so it has been a time of quietly examining for myself what was different this time around. I didn't really come to any earth shattering realization.

So back to this morning and the desire of the Lord, to give me a birthday wish. His love never ceases to amaze me... His understanding of our ways and who we each are individually among 6.7 billion people sharing the Earth just shows how absolutely amazing He is and like the psalmist I want to scream aloud my praises......

I could have so easily dismissed my birthday present if not for His wooing...... Unbelief or dismissal of my own imagination would have overcome any true capacity to receive from Him. Or I would have thought it a very weird joke ..... Only He knew me.... Only He knows the journey I have walked with dreams and their interpretations. Only He loves me with the love that only He can. I stand in awe of my God who prepared me completely to receive from Him that which was His heart's desire to give.

My present?

What was it that He spoke?

Interpreter extraordinaire.

I know one day it will be a sweet joke, a gentle smile and a quiet laugh between the Lord and I.......... For it would have never crossed my mind that that was His longing for me............ Also in that moment I was not hit with any extraordinary light or power from on high... so I will wait and daily I will live my life as a mother of six and remember that on the day before my birthday my Father gave me a present with amazing love attached to it in an extraordinary way.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Nine Months before and five months after

There had been serious problems that the family had been encountering prior to my arrival. I remember the morning I came downstairs the mom was sitting in the kitchen wearing her robe. Nobody else was to be found. At her request I went and sat down. She began to tell me about the difficulties that the family was going through. I thought back to the words of my pastor, when he had told me that he would prefer that I not take the job. And as I sat there the fullness of what they were going through was truly lost on me. I had so many problems of my own that although this situation was far from perfect it was what I had..... So I continued.

There are times as a story develops that some background narrative helps set the scene for what comes next...... because what happened nine months before this family, this job... what happened nine months prior to even meeting them was to shape the next year or so of my life .. and actually live with me for much longer.... What happened nine months before all of this I met a woman who still to this day memories of her at times sends shivers through me.

Up the aisle a woman ran towards us..... We were headed back to school after Thanksgiving break. My friend went to a really cool church and wanted to stay for their evening service. We would make the drive once the service was over. It was the kind of place that has visitors stand and say their name and where they are from..... So I did that... explained that my friend and I were headed back to school after the service. As she ran towards us.. oh so many thoughts ran through my head.... In hindsight it was wisdom that I should have heeded however in the moment I thought I was just judging her based on her appearance and I rebuked myself..... I was so very young in the faith... still so immature in many ways of life not just faith.... still so lost and unsure about my place in life.. still so many gaping holes of understanding just basic life 101...... She was excited to meet some young people of faith because she actually lived very close to where we went to school and was looking for fellowship.... She, too, had been visiting family in the area for the holidays. Didn't think much of it... told her my dorm and room number and we left...

Days later she appeared on campus... still didn't think much of it..... but she would come often and hang around. She was older than all of us and she was married.... but her husband never came with her and she would come and hang out at all hours of the day and night. She helped set some of my understanding of my new faith into place. Taught me some songs..... Explained the ways of the Spirit...yet there was still this deep gnawing inside of me... something that would make me tilt my head and scrunch up my eyes and look at her and look at her and look at her..... but nothing too seemingly out of the ordinary that would really cause one to truly say something was wrong.... Well not a nineteen year old who was so unsure about so many things....

The semester was coming to an end and I was changing dorms.... she came by right before I was leaving to go home for the holidays but at that point I didn't want to give her my new dorm information... thinking that the month away would put space in between us and that would be good... maybe in the Spring she wouldn't be coming back to campus... I was wrong....

She searched me out ... truly it was a small campus and all she really had to do was go to my old dorm and ask, which is what she did....... Then one day she was standing right in front of me ...... again a sense of dread just landed in my stomach and wouldn't let go...

We had some new friends that next semester, one of which she attached herself to like glue..... he too had that same thought... those same first feelings that I had had but he too rebuked himself for he thought he was judging her based on appearances... (the woman was very heavy set and awkward).. and so again true discernment was dismissed.... and it continued on throughout that semester.. things here and there... always some gnawing thought in the back of my mind that was being ignored.....

Then the Summer... becoming a nanny.... anybody I really knew was home for the Summer.... except she was still around.... she would come by the house or show up at a park that I was at with the kids.... however now there were others in the circle... others in my life that were watching her as well... the mom... the mom had those same gnawing thoughts... that same tilt of the head .. scrunch up of the eyes look at her and look at her and look at her.... but she had young children as well and was uncomfortable enough to set some boundaries... She was not to be around her children while I was working ... what I did on my own time was... well, I what I did on my own time....

She could sense the distance and it was hard to explain to her the new boundaries.... and one night she phoned me at the house. She began to speak about how people end up having issues with her because they get jealous because she understands spiritual things in really deep ways... how pastors end up feeling insecure and jealous of her and how they then start talking about her and asking questions and how she had been wounded oh so many times ... but this vicious cycle just followed her and that was the price of being so gifted.... she explained to me that it was only a matter of time before my pastor warned me about her or spoke to me about her and she wanted me to be prepared...... horrifically the next day the pastor called and wanted to talk to me..... I went over to his office and he began to do the very things she had just spoken of.... (she had been at a small group the night before --prior to her phone call to me and had acted in some inappropriate ways). I was the only one that really had "known" her so I was asked the very questions she said that I might one day be asked..... anyone... anyone else probably would have really put one and one together and sought out wisdom from the pastor... but I ... I was not to be so lucky... because all I could think of was that she was right.... that she had just told me this would happen and now it was happening.... and so it began.... the pastor wasn't a safe place for me anymore... the removal of the last wise voice in my life.......foolish conclusion... but it was the one I came to.... and that wouldn't be the end of it... no the end of it would have me moving clear across the country trying to get away from her ... trying to escape the web that she had only just begun to spin................................................

As the Summer progressed a friend I knew from college was going through some difficult times and reached out to myself and another....... I remember when he called for the first time after he had talked to her... I remember hearing his voice.. it was one of those awkward broken up kind of conversations but it was him and I was so excited to hear his voice.... with all the craziness that was around me his voice was a settling influence.... we figured I had a weekend off coming up and that we should all get together.... that he would pick up our friend and then they would drive to where I was and we would all spend the weekend together...... and then she joined the picture... invited herself into the scene and so it would be the four of us...... The four of us it became...

We just hung out and spent time with our friend who was struggling.. trying to encourage her and speak truth into her.... I remember when they left... I remember watching them drive away... it had been so nice to see them but it only ended up stirring things long buried in me and within a couple of weeks they were back down but this time it was to spend time with me and help me through all the things swirling and swirling around my life....... at one point we were standing in a parking lot... I had a gold Irish clatter ring on my wedding finger... believing that I would never really end up with anyone and that I would just dedicate my life completely to God.... however that weekend.... he came and stood by me... stood right next to me and took my hand.... he began to play with my ring and he looked at me and said that very soon someone would give me a real one of those....... before I could even react I looked up and the thought that filled my mind was ... yes, and that will be you........

Before any of that would happen..... things were only going to get worse... worse with the family I was living with... worse with their fighting.... worse with my friend who had been having such a hard time and worse... horrifically worse with her..............................

My friend ended up going into a hospital in Virginia and the idea was formed that the three of us... which had been the four of us but were now the three of us.. should go and visit her..... I left my job... just walked out.... and so I was now homeless but with them so what did it really matter... he had a car and we lived in it that Summer... as we traveled to visit our hurting friend... visit "her" family..... (never her husband though... yes, he did really exist but I guess she didn't want him to) ...even one weekend my family.... we just traveled the whole rest of the Summer with what little we had... sleeping in the car... in parking lots.... wherever...

That is when the real mind tricks began.......... an event had happened earlier that Summer that caused a jealousy to arise in her that would seek out to hurt me .. that would seek out my very life.......... a light went on in the heart of my friend and he realized (what I had known since we met at school) that he wanted to be with me the rest of his life..... and so we had gotten engaged................ it was as if we had lit the fuse to a most deadly of bombs... she would never leave us alone... at least not with each other.... she would tell me that she needed to go on a walk with him and that I should just rest and stay back but she would tell him that I had said I didn't want to go ... and so that continued on and on in different scenarios.... then would come the moment or the day when we would be alone for a brief second and we would start talking about how uncomfortable things felt and what was happening...... only for her to show up exactly where we were...............

We then actually took some time off... she was going to spend some time with her husband and I was going to go meet the family of my soon to be husband ...... we weren't there a night when as I was sleeping, (in a pop up camper that was parked in the driveway) a horrific terror settled in on me and I woke up with a vicious start..... the Lord's voice came shattering through the darkness..."PRAY.... Pray in my name... I am here and I will protect you.. but speak My name....." He spoke to me of how she was praying but not to Him and how she was demanding that I be harmed....... at that very moment she drove into the driveway..... I couldn't find my footing... I couldn't breathe... I didn't know what to do... But I got myself together and went outside to face her.......... as I did I asked her if she was asking that something very evil would hurt me.... I just couldn't fathom the whole thing..... what came out of her mouth horrified me and as I heard her words I stumbled back into the pop up ... "No," she had said. "No." She had not be asking.... she had been demanding.... what does one do with something like that..... If it could get any worse the next morning it did.... she had I guess spent the night in the driveway in her car.... and when I saw her the next morning... I went directly to her and said that we needed to deal with what she had said to me the evening before.... I will never forget the way she looked at me or the way her voice sounded... because as she tilted her head and scrunched up her eyes... she asked me what I was talking about and how that incident as I relayed it had never happened...............................

Again we should have just walked away... and as I look back with who I am today I can't even think of how we continued in relationship with her.... as though in a trance of some sort we still didn't comprehend the fullness of the severity of the situation.... and so it continued.... I wasn't in school but my fiancé was as was she and thus began the end of this chapter............. we had gotten a rental together.. the three of us.... and I "was to work" and they "were going to school" ... that is what we were told was the plan...... until a day came where the fog finally lifted.... I remember that day.. I was at the house alone. I went outside as he drove up... "I know I am supposed to go to California... I know that there is something there for me.... I'm not sure you are to come ... " were the words that came out of his mouth..... I stood there in the parking lot outside the house shaking.... he was all I had ... and was the Lord going to take him away too....... He drove away to pray and to think and to plan........ I just stood there not moving...... and then he was back and if I wanted to go I could go but he knew that that was where he needed to head........ As I look back we had to get that far away.... we found out later that she had tried to track us down even clear across the country..... but to this day we have never seen her again............................................... and that was what had happened nine months before the beginning of this chapter... meeting her..... nine months before becoming a nanny.... and the five months after...............

All Things Taboo

She was in there. My daughter was in there. I couldn't much look at the building let alone enter it and see her...................... I took my wife's hand and gained strength from her as we walked away. We drove home in silence. We arrived home and I went into my office and sat down in my chair. Leaning back I ran my hands up over my face. Hunched over my desk I began to weep.

The doors closed behind me. It is funny how sometimes a "cage" can actually make one feel safe. That is what I felt..... safe. The doors closed and locked behind me. I was on Elizabeth Hall. I could breath. Elizabeth Hall exists within the buildings of a private psychiatric hospital. I didn't feel so much locked in as the rest of the world was locked out.

I had bought into the idea that there was a truth that must come out... that must be believed... and yet I had lied so much about so many things. It was easy for those who didn't want to hear the truth to just believe the lie ... that it was only just another lie of mine. Unfortunately for me I had locked myself into the notion that my life could only fully move on if and when those that I thought I needed to believe me chose to do so. I had crippled myself but couldn't undo it.

There was a sense of safety there for me. The pain of the past both recent and more removed was at the surface. The chapel there became my haven. I would go and sit on wooden benches and stare at the cross engraved within the stain glass window.

I had known Him. I had walked hand and hand with Him. How could I have gone so wrong? How could I have deviated so much? And so I would sit there... I would sit there and sing. Sing for hours. There were no prayers. Nothing I knew to say. So I would open my heart through song and sing.

Then the day came when as I sung I heard something behind me....... as I turned to see what the noise was I saw people sitting on the benches behind me and standing in the doorway. There was a hunger for him in all of us.... in different ways we all mourned something. And He was meeting us and bringing His comfort.

The truth did come out.... many truths did actually..... the truth that what I believed would be my salvation was false.... having heard the words of truth from the only one who could have spoken them in a believable fashion, my parents walked away convinced that somehow I was just a "sneaky child" and said so to my face.

It was a painful wakeup call but as I look back a necessary one.... I had to put to death my reliance on their understanding that all my difficulties, that all my failures... that they all weren't just my fault... that I wasn't just some completely messed up individual who purposefully thought up ways to hurt them....... my need for them and their acceptance of me had to be put to rest... and I needed to find a way to move forward into my life..

Years later I had come to town to spend some time with my mother. A time to try and mend the gap that had grown between us.... we had spent the whole weekend together and it had been the best time we had shared in a very long time.... We had enjoyed restaurants, shopping, each other in new ways... and yet had not spoken of things taboo.

Somehow we paused in the lobby prior to checking out... I don't fully remember why or how but a question was asked.. what I do remember is what I said: "I can answer any question that you can ask... there is nothing I won't say." Instead of checking out we took a seat in the lobby and hour after hour passed as we spoke of all things taboo........

And the story continues

Took a break from writing this story of mine.... but today felt like diving back in....

I needed to get away. Away from all that they were. Maybe not from them per se but from the life of mine that they brought back to my mind. I knew I couldn't go home. I got up from my dorm room. I wandered over to the walking path . I had found so much comfort within those woods. Their hills and ways so engulfed me. I had spent much of the last semester just walking these trails. Trying to figure out, trying to move ahead, trying to find the next step..... I would be their nanny. They had offered me the job. What were the complications? Why did the pastor not want me to take it? There was nowhere else for me to go. At least not in my mind. I had been as honest with them as I knew how to be... Had told them everything about who I was, why in my mind I couldn't go home, and yet they still hired me... Wow. In hindsight I would have closed the door on my backside. And now I can look back and think if they were willing to hire me then the pastor had been right and I should have not taken the job. What is it that they say about hindsight? Oh well.... So I embarked upon the life as a nanny.

Simple enough. I hadn't ever been around many kids. There were only two. The days were long but the children were great. Still in the evenings when the family was about their business I would sit in my room and look out the window. I would wonder about my parents, my life ... I would wonder about him... and how he was doing..... I would wonder about our paths and if they would ever cross again.

I remembered the first time I met him..... It had been in class. Something kept pulling my attention towards this guy who sat two rows over and three seats back. He had this great smile. It just stayed on his face the whole time as if he had found happiness and knew its secrets. During the course of the lecture I must have turned around half a dozen times... It was as if a magnet was pulling me to turn and take notice. The time for the class to be over came and we all got up to leave. He and I ended up walking through the door way together. I was dwarfed by his height. He had this way about him and we struck up a conversation. As we exited the building I spoke of how a bunch of us always had dinner together and would he like to join us.... He politely expressed that he had already accepted an invitation to dinner but would love to in the future. We parted ways.....

I saw a very good friend of mine rushing over to me as I headed to my dorm room. She was so excited about something. First day of classes. Was it the class she just came out of? I stood and waited.

"I met him!" She said. "He just glowed" She began to talk about a guy that had been in her class earlier on in the day and how she had invited him to dinner with us all.... No, I did not at that point put the pieces together. But yes, as I am sure you have figured out the guy was one in the same. She spoke about how he must be her future husband because there was such a distinct attraction towards him. I just smiled. One thing I had found was that there was this disease called "he is the one itis." So I listened as she told her story and was happy for her..... Dinner came and the realization that he was one and the same person came with it..... We all had a good laugh. The joy got even deeper when we realized that a very dear mutual friend (who had come to college the previous semester on consortium) was actually his cousin. She had given him a list with all our names on it. A sort of hook up with these people list. However he had put the list away, thinking he would make his own friends. At the end of the first week, we were all headed out to do something together when through a phone call , the realization came that the people on the list and the people he was hanging out with were one and the same.... Funny how life happens that way sometimes.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

To my children with love mom

May I lay my life down... may it be as a carpet that you can walk on.... may my example be to you that of Christ... may my words be seasoned with kindness and generosity and when they fall in that regard may He protect your hearts......
you are the most precious ones who walk the earth with me..... may I not be selfish with my time or the thoughts of me.... may I not think of the immediate moment but may I think and plan for each moment so that you live a life filled with grace, and wonder, and magic and love......
When I am tired or impatient and I miss celebrating you or your achievements I am sorry.... I hope that you will always know and always have it within you that you are all amazing to me... each one of you created so uniquely... so beautifully... you are all wonderfully and fearfully created to walk upon the earth and reach high for all that is yours....
May I be that ladder you can use to begin your climb and may you find that when you get to the top that you have grown wings and may you soar to the highest heights...
With all my heart and with everything that I am I love you... I adore you... I celebrate you

Wouldn't You Love to See It

We share the planet with approximately 6.7 billion people. Best estimates say that there are 4,200 different types of religion. Among them are the 12 major world religions. That's a lot of statistics. When asked "Who is my neighbor?" Jesus replied:

"A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.'

When Jesus then asked:"Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?"

The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him."
Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."

Go and do likewise............

What does that mean in our time....

What if there was something you could do and in doing that you would be given this promise: you will always have good things to eat, you will always be healthy, your home and your city will not be left in ruins... it will be well with you. Would you do it? Would you put this promise to the test? More over you must also take some time to rest.. that is truly part of it.. you must rest and those promises will be given you... Would you put this promise to the test?

So what is that something you can do that inherits with it this promise?

Remove the chains of prisoners who are chained unjustly. Free those who are abused! Share your food with everyone who is hungry; share your home with the poor and homeless. Give clothes to those in need; don't turn away your relatives.

Don't mistreat others or falsely accuse them or say something cruel. Give your food to the hungry and care for the homeless.(Isaiah 58)

Go and do likewise means to care....

Years ago and by that I mean probably about over ten years ago I watched a news cast covering a flood in Africa. There was a picture of a woman who had tied herself to some branches in a tree and had given birth to a baby... perilous flood waters underneath her and strapped to a tree this woman was in labor. I have never met the woman nor do I know how her story ended. But the image and the story are branded within my mind.

It doesn't have to be Africa.... It can be right down the street... What do we do in the moment when an opportunity arises for us to help? What do we do? Do we rise up in the likes of what Isaiah expressed true fasting to be or are we like the priest and Levite passing the injured man on the road?

There is something stirring within me these days....... all this talk about health care and reform... all the need facing our country.... what if this is not the prime opportunity for those of us who align ourselves with Jesus to act as he would have us act within our communities....

A retired doctor offers his expertise to the community for free. A group of 200 doctors run a free clinic and 2000 show up. Google searches and web searches... find individual efforts.... A mechanic gives a day a month to single mothers. There are individual efforts all around. But what if a town worth of churches mobilized? What if we realized that the answer to the problems facing our country aren't necessarily solved by more legislation? What if we humbled ourselves, dropped our theological differences and acted in accord to the one truth .. the one command Christ left us with... LOVE ONE ANOTHER AS I HAVE LOVED YOU.... LOVE ONE ANOTHER!

Care... Care deeply that there are hungry in our city, and declare NO MORE!!! Care that there are those that are hungry and cold and without a home and scream NOT IN MY CITY..... What would happen? What would happen if we brought to the table our few fish and our loaves and invited the other churches in our city to do the same? What would happen? Wouldn't you LOVE to SEE?

When it seems as if the road has come to an end and a wall is staring you in the face the real adventure begins.

I have sat with the Lord this evening and early morning. I have thought and prayed for our country. I have thought and prayed for our local schools as they are dealing with sickness and loss of life. I have thought and prayed on oh so many things that have to come to mind. And now in the early morning hours have I come to a "Jerry McGuire" moment? You know when he is faced with the truth of his industry and writes out a vision statement.... reflecting on the way it was received I pause and hesitate and think about just heading to bed.

So what ... what landed in my heart and stirred me to arise. The idea that I don't always care enough. The idea that complacency has found a place in my heart and I have settled for mediocrity. Not knowing or believing that there is more. Lack of seeing something already in existence that I could hop on board with, allowed a deep discouragement to settle into the very essence of my being. Facing the proverbial dead end.. and wondering if this is it...

What would happen if a community of people cared enough? What would happen if we sitting in the doctor's office looked around and cared if there was a mom there with no insurance? If that mom was wondering if (now that she was at the doctor's office... because she has waited to come to make sure it was really necessary ... because she understood all too well the cost.. and now it is REALLY necessary.. almost more than necessary.. but now she is paying for a doctor's visit and medication) and so now she is wondering if bread and milk... or other basic essentials will be able to be bought... DO I CARE ENOUGH... Or do I sit there ?

Do I think, as I prepare dinner and take things out of the refrigerator and the pantry, of the child who is hungry? Do I even consider that that child might be just down the street in my neighborhood?

Do I allow these things to affect me or do I shelter myself from the reality because it is too big a problem to solve.. or there is too much need and who am I as one individual and where would I even start? Do I allow myself to care?

What would happen if we cared enough......

But we are facing 5000 men and unnumbered women and children that we need to feed.... and there is only a couple of fish and a few loaves of bread...... in today's vernacular ... we have limited resources and I am stretched to just make ends meet for my family alone.... Are we like the widow of Zaraphath who is just going to make the last meal and face her and her son's death from starvation? Spiritual or actual?

I want to challenge myself to believe that there is always enough..... because when after all the people had eaten from the bread and fish there were baskets ... baskets... BASKETS..... left!!!!

I don't want to shelter my heart anymore... I want to care enough and see the loaves and fish multiply before me.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Unto You I Give this Day...

I am filled with adoration for our Lord in this moment. His greatness and faithfulness abound. His light is spread in the darkness and the darkness will not overtake it!

Praise be to the Lord.

I sit here in your presence oh Lord as your child.

Flawed. Scared. Lonely child.

I am yours. I am yours. I am yours.

The truth of your word hits me and reveals the doubt and fear. In its place does not linger any shame for you are here with grace. Grace to love all fear and shame away. You are mighty and powerful . You are my God.

I am yours. I am yours. I am yours.

The words of being owned by One does not equate to slavery but ultimate freedom.

I am captured. I am riveted. I am Yours.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

And I Will Learn the Ways of God

And I Will Learn The Ways of God!

Embracing the Lord in time of transition...............

This morning I have thought about the times of Moses. There was a transition from slavery to freedom. A time of becoming something that they had not been. God was forging them into a nation ... into a people He would call His own..... Something new was happening on the face of the Earth....

Freedom for them came with a cost of leaving all that they knew behind....... As we read the account a longing for the familiar entered into the hearts of the men and the women.... I do believe that even the most adventurous of us find comfort in things that are familiar..... I know I do....

We have lived in South Carolina for over three years now and yet I picture the highways that lead North. I picture the highways of New Jersey, New York City, Boston and New England and there is a longing there.... An identification with those regions. There are still things that I find new and strange here.... whether it is some product at the supermarket that I had never seen or a way that something is pronounced... it causes me to reflect and remember that I have not known this place for a long time.

There are things that in my 18 years of walking with the Lord I have come to know as the way He moves in and around my life and yet I stand in a time of transition. A time like that of which I have never known in my walk prior to this moment. There is not the capacity within me to fully communicate all that that does entail. Yet as I have thought about this time today there has been new revelation.... There is a time to let go ..... Ecclesiastes tells us that there is a time for everything...... a time to plant and a time to pluck up what is planted...... a time to break down and a time to build up.....

I have come to realize what a creature of habit I truly am... I realize I wasn't always this way.... maybe it is having six children or maybe it has come with age .. but it has come.... no matter what the reason I realize that there is a tendency for me to look back at the proverbial Egypt and long for slavery... because it was what I knew...... because as I look forward it is as (and believe me please I am not equating my life with Moses') but it is as the time when he ventured into the deep darkness of the Lord...... The people stood far off, while Moses drew near to the thick darkness where God was. (Exodus 20:21)

For me right now God is dwelling in the thick darkness and yet He bids me to come to land that I never have known.... A place where there is nothing but him.... no church, no group of people, no organization... just Him..... and I believe with all that is within me that in this darkness I will learn the ways of God.....