I don't mind tears.... I don't find them weak or the fact that they come often an indicator of unseen issues...
In His presence is the fullness of joy... when that reality touches flesh the goodness of His reality brings emotion...
I used to be afraid to touch emotion that seemed too much... Too many tears... Too much excitement...
After a prophetic evangelistic moment that went so beautifully one pastor told me that another pastor on staff thought I was manic...
Uhm... Maybe I was but I'll be manic for the moments when our God is touching and changing lives... I'll get excited for that...
Weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice...
I can try and stand within social propriety (yes... Especially in church ) or I can release myself to be free to acknowledge that some of life's most stunning moments circumvent those notions ... That doesn't give license to act in careless ways ... But it stands as a place of release..
Yet as I sat down to write this morning that isn't where I knew to step ...
As I woke up my heart was hurting... Not in a need to push faster through things although having no desire to get stuck I turned to the one place I know I can always lay my head...
It took me over a decade and a half to release my heart into His reality of Father but now... Now I run... Scramble... Bolt... Make a bee line to Him.. Not that He isn't already fully right there and the first step of getting to the run is full of the realization that I'm already laid a hold of...
Laying all aside I enter as a daughter with a hurting heart... Nothing more.. Nothing less... This place.. This beautiful mysterious place where creator and alpha and omega is tender Father.. Strong... Compassionate... Wise... Delicate...
Just at one look towards Him and my heart melts... Defenses on my part oh so low... One glance of His eyes ... One impartation of His touch and His affections has me actually backing away... "I can't ... I can't hear what You have to say... I don't know how to touch the truth of Your love..." and yup as you know already tears flowed and flowed and flowed..
When He spoke all He would say is you are my beloved daughter in who I am well pleased...
My response would be a shaking of the head (while I know this to be true I wanted Him to bring discipline... Correction... Not so much a rebuke but training... I wanted Him to lay a path I could walk upon away from sorrow... Away from suffering)
Side note ... While absolutely not fun the fruit that emerges from seasons full of sorrow and times of suffering is full of absolute life... Leaning and leaning and leaning again and again does one's life very good....
But all He would say is that I was His... His daughter in whom His pleasure dwelt...
Again not able to bring myself to look up at Him .. He turned and took a different approach... He showed me a hallway and asked me to walk down it... It ended rather quickly just into a wall...
Face to face with that wall I was startled ... Not expecting the walk to end so soon ... " Tell it to move," was all He said ... Uhm God it's a wall .. "Tell it to move"...
All that had resided within my heart .. My being looked at that wall as a wall... Circumstances and situations had allowed for a breaking down of my capacity to grab a hold of truth and I had been fighting against self doubt and fear...
All the what ifs came screaming forward .... What if it doesn't move? What if it ends here? What if I lose?
The wall and Him and me...
What was going to win?
I've learned enough to know I can face that wall and back away.. Believe the lies ... Listen to the fear and allow my heart to be conquered...
Am I part of the 10 spies or the 2?
Am I the nation afraid of the giant or the boy(girl) that asks what will be given ?
I at times am both.. But He ... He never changes...
I looked at Him... And the wall was gone... Open meadows and a huge field spread out before me as He spoke to the depths of me and welcomed me home....
Psalm 18:19---
New American Standard Bible ....
He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me.
Psalm 18:36
New American Standard Bible
You enlarge my steps under me, And my feet have not slipped.
Psalm 31:8
New American Standard Bible
And You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy; You have set my feet in a large place.
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