We had a home birth with Elizabeth, our sixth and last child. As I think back to that day and that time I truly cherish those moments and yet when the Lord drew my attention to them I knew what He was getting at and towards those wishes of His I wander this afternoon. Not well and as I reread this piece (after writing it) I somewhat shudder at the lack of coherence.....
There was a walk with Gregory in the early morning hours prior to Elizabeth entering into the world that evening and then a couple friends arrived and we went on a long walk all together.... I had been in labor off and on for three days and we were making every effort for this to be the last day.
As my thoughts were drawn back to that day there were two aspects that I know the Father was pointing at... as if arrows like those you find on road signs there were two big ones pointing at each of the specific moments He was wanting me to dwell upon......
The first one goes something along these lines.... People often remark at the choices I make towards vulnerability and transparency. And yet this morning I found myself feeling very convicted.... I share very openly in some areas of my life or my walk with the Lord and in others I am very quiet. Who isn't might be your question? Or my rationale has been under the guise of having good boundaries. In honesty maybe some of that is in effect or maybe it is hypocrisy on my part. Choosing here and there to be vulnerable and transparent all the while really hiding behind some artificial spirituality and only sharing the experiences and not the backside.... So I apologize..... because the backside is what is on the Father's heart..... It isn't that I have anything special that opens those doors of relationship with Him .. opens those experiences..... if anything it is quite the opposite......
Let me jump to the second arrow actually first and then come back to this..... Labor had fully kicked in and we were truly close to her birth. Yet as anyone who has been in that place can attest it is what it is and I was there..... when all of a sudden kneeling there upon my hands and knees I was elsewhere..... I was still semi aware of the room and the people but the pain was gone and I was surrounded by such a thick presence of the Lord that I was able to enter into a place of rest and peace that stunned me even while it was happening..... Even to this day what I remember is the clarity of peace that existed in those moments until I heard the Father speak... "you need to reengage." He was giving me a few moments to catch on but I knew He meant soon and then now...... I knew what reengaging would mean.... I knew what lay ahead of me and I so more than anything wanted to stay in that place but it was time .... I let go of where He was holding me still and as soon as I did my water broke and Elizabeth was born within minutes.....
I live in moments like those .... obviously not giving birth to a baby but moments when this world seems very other and all that I am is lost into another place...... those places and times and moments with the Father I feel very called to share..... I do believe part of what is on my life is to show how much we are truly loved and how great the affection of the Father is..... however there are several parts within this expression that I haven't shared...... Today I found myself asking a dear friend what her thoughts were concerning if I use that place with the Father as a crutch to get through daily living.... her words were beautiful back to me as she spoke of how Jesus only did that which He saw the Father doing and that coming out of the wilderness there was only leaning... the wilderness taught leaning....... It was of great comfort to see things that way.......
And this is where I will insert the first "arrow" of sorts..... my friends came to me on the day that Elizabeth would be born to be with me and my family... to help cook and to help with the other kids ..... But instead of being able to just truly receive their love and generosity I walked that day in anxiety and fear.... not of the labor but of not wanting to be a burden... not wanting to take their time... concerned that what if all the labor again dwindled to nothing and they had spent all that time with me in vain..... and then later in the evening when some things began to happen that were making everyone a tad nervous I was truly concerned that I would waste the midwife's time if we called.... I know ... I know that is her job... and she knew what was happening.... but fear and doubt had taken over and I would have rather been alone and try and figure it out then be a burden ....... my knee jerk reaction in panic is to run and isolate......
I get lots of questions about how I walk with God and what I see and hear and experience..... and I can't answer those questions in hyper spiritual terms...... here is the truth... I lean ... I desperately lean... because if I didn't lean I wouldn't be able to walk.... I look daily towards the Father because if I don't see what it is He is doing than I don't necessarily know how to walk ....... Really? really? Yes, really..... there are huge gaps within my heart that when not aware of the Father and His ever completely present reality serve as tripping points where anxiety, loneliness, and fear can and do still reside......
Mary Magdalene is one of the biblical people I most relate to ..... Jesus' comment on coming for the sick and that those that are forgiven much love much are things I rest my head on.... it isn't because of some special calling or special gift or talent that I experience what I do or see or hear what I do... we are all God's children... As a Father it is His utmost desire to commune with His sons and daughters... PERIOD.... not one above another.... there are no favorites...except if to say we are all His favorite....
I guess here is the nuts and bolts of it... I criticize my lack of capacity to function in some areas of life... I look at the way this one thinks or that one manages and I wonder sometimes to myself and sometimes really often what is so wrong with me that I don't function that way most of the time..... and then I come to a place of gratitude (not always but often enough) where I realize that if any gift my past gave me it is the gift of leaning... from the moment of my salvation to the present without leaning I couldn't walk..... in my biggest stumbles it was because I was trying to walk without Him... thinking I could do any number of things alone..... So brokenness both past and present serve me well... they serve me as a reminder to lean... lean desperately.... apart from Him there is no good thing within me or anything else
.... So why do I see and hear and experience Him the way I do... I don't really know except to say that I'm broken.... desperately broken.... and in Him I find shelter in the highest and strongest of towers... and in my utter weaknesses He is strong.... and in His strength I find rest.... I truly know that there is no other place but Him and anything else is a crutch that crumbles under the weight... but not Him... never Him... as I lean He only grows more and stronger... so lean I will over and over and over again.......
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