I sat in the basement and couldn't shake the residue of the dream that I had just had.... I realized that there were portions of my heart.. of my being that felt very much like an orphan (I'll get to that in a minute) and having heard him teach I wanted to push through and move towards the maturity that a daughter of God can walk in ... but my heart crippled and the dream weighing down upon me it felt so uncertain....
I just sat there... upon that couch and lingered.... I wanted to know how to get there... how to not attain per se to maturity but what does it mean for one to be a mature daughter... how does one overcome when places of your heart feel so abandoned... unnamed... left to fend for oneself.....
I lingered there and Father told me to get up and head upstairs... with questions hanging all around me I did as I felt He was directing me to.... In the living room sat the friend we were traveling with.. computer open ... reading...
He began to read out loud.. no joke ... and I just sat there in awe.... writing concerning things of the heart he began to read the part he had been going over.... within the things he said he shared three ways the heart of the orphan grows up and receives healing....
As I shared in part 1... Jim and I have a friend by the name Rick Sizemore, whose writings and teachings the Lord is using in the lives of so very many people.... The Heart of the Matter is what he was reading from...... In this teaching he talks about the Heart of God as it is represented by Father, Brother, and Spirit.... and then he goes into explaining about the heart of orphan, slave, servant, child and mature son or daughter.....
The things he spoke of that morning have carried me far... To have discipline .. now there is no way in this blog that I could ever cover each portion but I will share how it personally impacted me.... To have a heart that knows it is not about performance to receive acceptance or correction... that I am not made up of what I do or don't do... the things I do do or don't do are not the measuring rod of the person I am... I am a daughter of God PERIOD!!! Not because I have performed it well.... thirdly to have a heart that covers that doesn't not accuse Father of wrong doing .. to have the capacity in ones heart to cover nakedness ... (Noah's sons)...
Now there is so much teaching that could go into that and actually in June our friend will be teaching The Heart of the Matter in the Atlanta, Georgia area.. (more to say on that some other time)...
But to get back to the process.... I had never had discipline.. I have had punishment.. insane punishment if a mistake was made.. mistakes are opportunities to learn from not moments that one should be punished for.. but I had never learned that... no concept of discipline I hit adulthood hard... to use the word, adulthood, rather loosely..... I lacked much because I knew not the beauty of having discipline in my life....
I am for the sake of the length of this post going to stay here on this topic...
Through this last season of life I have watched Father so come along side me and through circumstances bring discipline to me in a way that as I look back truly embodies the truth that He only disciplines those He loves...
Through bringing discipline in my life... and when I say that I will say circumstances would arise and He would lovingly admonish me to take deep breath and not react.. He would speak tenderly to me and cause me to live in the Spirit... He would bring a stronger voice and encourage me to stand against all that swirled around me.. He would ask of me to believe that when upon asking for wisdom He granted it .. because it is and was His desire for me to no longer be swept away emotional with every wave that would come ... He taught me discipline and while this past season was difficult and full of challenges as I emerge and as I continue to walk.. I realize that He has added to me the capacity to receive discipline and discipline myself in ways I have not entered into ... And I am changed...
No one ever disciplines an orphan.. and an orphan faces the world without some of the constraints that others would take for granted... from organizing a day and scheduling to speaking truth to a heart that would believe many lies...
The heart of an orphan is insecure and lacks peace... lives in striving and performing for affection... believes that it is all up to self to receive anything.... an orphan has the hardest time receiving discipline due to feelings getting easily hurt and seeing authority as only a place of pain will not trust and will not walk in submission....
An orphan belongs to no one... but through this season.. Father stepped in and used everything from daily situations to moments in life one wishes would just go away to learn that He who is Father only disciplines those He loves.. and discipline to a wise person is a point where gratitude flows.. because error has been shown and lack of understanding has been covered...
I used to perish in moments for lack of understanding how to walk in maturity but He has brought and is bringing me forth away from a heart of lack into a place where I never thought I would ever walk... While I had been left alone to fend for myself and faced adulthood with no tools and no resources... He came along and spoke into me that in being His daughter I would never be left or forsaken and that He would walk alongside me and lead me in tender loving kindness and mercy.....
I sat there that day in Massachusetts in awe.. in awe that not even ten minutes earlier I had felt imprisoned by a heart that lacked understanding and yet... and yet... Father knows all things.. He knows my days... from before I lived one of them and He has saturated my life (not with circumstances that say to the outside world that I am blessed per se ) but He has flowed into my life and taught me to arise from the ashes of orphan and the pile of dry bones of Ezekiel and is walking me into maturity as His daughter.... belonging to Him....
That I know that I know that I know that I am His.. and that standing in that place of acknowledging Him as God, King and Comforter of my life... I can stand and say no to lesser things because I can look forward and be one that smiles at the future.. not because the events say so.. but because He has ... and that foundation is sound....
1 comment:
I know I am the Kings daughter. But I feel like an orphan much of the time. Alone, scared, my mind so messed - it seems .. .. but there are days that I am so aware of whose I am now and who I am becoming that I become overwhelmed.
As I opened this blog and began reading it Rod Stewart was singing "Have I told you lately" and the love of God once again ambushed my heart. :)
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