The catch phrases of the day are transparency and vulnerability and authentic.. I find as I try to live this life with those words in mind I realize more and more how I still pick and choose where and when I am transparent.. vulnerable .. authentic...
What about the nights (such as this one) when I am kept awake thinking about this son or that daughter.. or this friend.. or that piece of work that keeps slipping through my fingers... where I wonder about how to fully communicate my heart to a child's teacher or someone from the past...
In these places where I would be confronted by my lack.. and the last thing I truly want to do is come and write... I would A) rather be sleeping and B) push all this stuff out of my mind not write about it C) rather be sleeping... did I mention that... oh yes, because I would rather be sleeping...
But I keep getting up and coming to the computer.. to write this email or check out that thing for this child or that child.... emails, todays phone calls (well.. I really can't start those at 4:45 am est..) conversations that need to happen today... retreats that are going to need planning.. this meeting.. that.. and the list keeps going on and on...
And again the last thing I truly want to be is vulnerable or transparent right now... attempting to find the place in the bow of the boat where even though the wind and waves have their best at me.. I find myself asleep... ah back to A. and C. (actually the whole alphabet but whose counting letters.. or is that numbers and sheep)
So my rave... I have numerous people in my life I don't really know what to say to.. (if you are reading this and you think that is you it isn't) but there are lots of things I want to say.... there are numerous opinions I have that I would love to voice except I have learned that silence is usually at most times a very wise idea... and letting time pass is an even better one.... I have more projects than I know what to do with and more possible worries and concerns that can and do keep my up in hours like these...
And in these moments as I have tried now to fall asleep all night and have not been able to I come .. I come with all my authentic.. vulnerable.. transparent .. stuff (not really the word I would like to use but it will suffice.) It isn't in the beautiful .. ah had this vision moment.. or mountain top experience where all of what I want my life to be about counts...
It counts here... here where children, work, life, faith, future etc etc... would bare down.. here is where it matters.. here where all my questions would rage and roar at me and keep me up... here is where it matters.. that I recognize that in these moments .. in these moments I arise and come transparent... vulnerable... authentic.. In these moments looking at the bow of the boat or the wind and the waves... looking at both of them as they present themselves... and realizing once again there will always be the wind and the waves...
There will always be the wind and the waves... there will always be one who seeks who he can devour... there will always be until eternity begins .. within time there will be these things.... All the things that are out of my control to affect...
It is not a place of peace... but there is a peace that passes all understanding.. and tonight I realize why it is said that way... all understanding would say peace is not able to exist here... however the wind and the waves don't get to have their say and peace.. peace does... The Living Word spoke peace to the wind and the waves and silenced them... lifted Peter from them... overcame them..
So while still thinking about phone calls, emails, conversations, planning, children .. I turn.. I turn and realize once again the reality of it all... beyond my focus and my attentions must live my trust and my dependency .... without them yes the wind and the waves win... but tonight as dawn fully approaches I will go and lay my head down to sleep and rest in the understanding that peace isn't dictated to by the wind and the waves.. that peace passes all understanding.. and that is the reality of it all...
On the morning after Easter.. the world was very different.. and very different options existed.. and that is the reality of it all... very different options exist... and so authentic and vulnerable and transparent means that I like Peter want to get out of the boat and walk on the water and yet I like Peter look at the waves and begin to sink and I like Peter need Jesus to reach out for me and bring me back into the boat so I like Jesus can fall asleep in the bow of the boat....
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