There are moments with our Lord that seem branded into my being and this .. well, this one I think will forever (truly forever) live within all that I am ...
It started and I was just simply driving... driving down the road by myself... and yet so very not alone.... I bent my head down and I spoke first... "I care about You." It was simple and yet the car filled with a presence that I know to be Father and again I whispered... "I care about You."
Four simple words and yet the atmosphere changed and it was powerful.... tangible powerful love filled the car and I knew I was so loved that I had never and could never on my own comprehend the love that was so very present...
And again... whispering but looking up this time... "I care about You."
Four little words held worlds of meaning and I was changed within the minutes... I so care about our God that all that I am I desire to be more like Him... He has loved me as Father.. Brother.. Comforter... He has given me family and called me His own and empowered me towards belonging...
In those moments it wasn't passion and it wasn't ecstatic.. It was probably the most solid feeling I have ever felt in my entire life....
My confession of my affection came forth from a realization that has been being formed for weeks now and came fully forward as I simply drove my car....
He cared enough about me to bring me through a season of discipline... a time and place where I would learn to rule over myself and drive myself to behave in such a way because of my affection for Him..... that I would learn to choose Him and His ways over lesser ones.. and He was wooing me towards that sanctuary all the time...
A child is told an oven is hot because it is hot and it would burn the child horribly if touched.. but if a child isn't cared about enough to be told said oven is hot that child will be harmed over and over and over again... the oven isn't kept away from the child because a good thing is being withheld... an oven is kept away from a human being until the individual can touch it without harm....
It is because of great love that goes in many directions that my heart desires righteousness.. not out of fear of punishment... but perfect love has washed me so thoroughly and cared about me so deeply that it has fundamentally changed the way I have thought and behaved....
I don't act righteously because I have to ... I walk with Him because it is that which I desire... and His desire is for me... and He cares so very much for me that He would use His strength and wisdom and might and discipline to move me towards Him ... It truly is His great kindness that leads one towards repentance... but beyond repentance.. He has lead me towards life and moments where I know or at least have an inkling of how very much I'm loved...
Not an orphan in the natural but in the spirit my heart has touched those places... never a slave but had allowed ministry and the approval of man to own me... never a servant but had had many masters.... certainly a child desiring my ways and my ways now... but tasting the place of a daughter and looking up to Father and seeing that which He is I have been pulled into His bosom and have had my desires transformed...
I still am beyond moved as I think upon those moments.. maybe for some of you it is hard to comprehend what I am saying here.. the depth of these moments still so palpable...
I was never cared enough about to teach about life.. I entered adulthood and college bound to fail for I had no capacity to live.... I was never treasured or cherished or considered worthy of another's time to the point where I would be trained up in a way I should go.... I was left to fend for myself.. left to learn the art of manipulation and falsehood... left... simply .. period... left...
But not really.. not ever... He who knew all my days.. watched over me and called forth to me and He who knew all my days would run to me and recover me.. and love me to a place where I could be strengthened and learn discipline and not resent it and not run from it....
For me that is beyond huge.... In those moments in the car... I felt more changed then I could ever express... gratitude for moments of rebuke... beyond appreciative that He cares enough about me to gently lead me by the stillest of waters and tenderly care for me for I am His own.... To rebuff me and correct me and transform me and call me forward to discover the image in which I was truly made....
I care about You for You have so transformed my life that I desire to be like You.. I care about You to lay my life down and not desire my ways but passionately hunger after Yours... For one who has walked with no conscience and no remorse... these moments were so beyond anything I thought I would ever feel... Not because of any ought to but because desire and hope and love could I feel lesser desires fade away and in their place a heart strengthened by the reality of what it truly means to be made in His image.. to stand as His daughter... to delight and to love and to be delighted in and loved.....
He .. His love... melts me and has thoroughly captivated my affections... I am so thoroughly blown away by His tendernesses... and His compassion .. and His might and my eyes have been open to the truth that the lesser things of this world are so very very much lesser... and they hold not the smallest of candles to His roaring flame....
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