One Thousand unanswered questions....

My heart is achy today ... Achy and hungry... Desperate to know Him all the more... Hungry for the manifestation of my Kingdom home upon this earth... This soil...  So hungry to see Him... So desperate to know Him... So full of desire that His ways would be manifested upon the streets where i live and walk my days and hours.....


As one who values relationship, communication, vulnerability, transparency  and I could go on and on. I have found myself being confronted by a variety of challenges as of late and in attempting to maneuver my way through I discovered many things about myself and God..


In trying to step into intentional relationship and communication I realized how much of myself I kept to myself.... Trying to protect myself or seem more together then I am ... Trying to appear to know what it is I'm doing.... But while in some areas I walk with understanding mostly I am simply A child 


  I am simply hungry ... I am profoundly thirsty... Not an expert in anything ... Not proficient...  I just want more and am desperate enough ... While not knowing what I want things to fully look like I do know what I don't want them to look like... I'm done with pretense and image management... I want Him as He is... Nothing less


There are aspects of who God is that He shares with us through scripture... Aspects of who He is that are fully true.... Regardless of what I or any other person thinks or believes ... He is that He is... 


I have laid myself bare before God and as David spoke I have said search me and know me... I want to be known and searched out by Him.... I've been done playing games of religion for a while now but I want oh so much more..


I want Him, His kingdom, His ways... And I want to be like Him... I don't want the values or thoughts and opinions of this world to influence my belief system over that which my Father would say...


So I sit with Him these days and wait for nothing less than Him to arise....


Am I weary or heavy laden... Then He gives me rest
Am I blind then He makes it so I can see
Am I deaf then He makes it so I can hear
Am I lame then He makes it so I can walk
Am I hungry then I recall how He fed over 5000
Am I in need of provision then I recall how He caused fish to fill nets, how he caused a jar to not cease flowing with oil or flour, how He throughout history has arisen on behalf of His people and tangibly acted upon their lives....


Well I need God.... I need Him to be as He is... When He says that if we ask for bread He will not give us a stone I need that... When He says that we who are evil know how to give good gifts to our children how much more is He... When He expresses how His eyes are on the sparrow and He takes care of the flowers of the field and the birds of the air I need that... I need to know that about Him... I need for Him to be intimately aware of me to the very aspect of the numbers of hairs upon my head ....


He is not a crutch that I lean on... He is not a cosmic genie.... He is the Lord my God.. Maker of Heaven and earth... And yes boy oh yes do I lean... He has taught me to do so ... To lean upon Him... Not upon my strength but in all my ways acknowledge Him and my paths He will then direct...


I do not pretend to know all of Him even as I long to know Him more.. I do not understand or comprehend His ways... But I do believe and I trust ... Even with a thousand unanswered questions I have attached myself to Him and I will never be the same... And I will come with a faith even more child like... Even more simple ... Even more a fool ... Because there simply is no other way.... There simply and profoundly is no other way