There are things in life I know to instinctively stay away from.... uhm lots of things... some innocent ... some not so innocent... and some because of where I have walked I can't watch and can't participate...
However today I have felt a push towards a comment and towards a confession... People who know me now don't know this part of my life.... people who see me with my children now and know me and know my children would .. could.. never imagine the battle that used to rage inside of me.... But it did... it truly did... and Jim and I have talked today about how to express this and how to write it ... this is not that... but that is coming....
Here is some uncensored truth about me.... There were days were I would look at my son and I would think about how overwhelmed I was and how unable to that which was before me and I would entertain thoughts that just send me to shutters now.. but not then... back then I felt at times like a trapped animal and just needed to get out... anyway possible...
There were times where I would call a friend and confess to her that as one child was sitting on the sofa watching TV and another was in a high chair that I felt so tempted to leave... to just walk out the door... suffocating under life and the lack that I felt to live it I just couldn't bare up.... my confession was only met with utter disbelief and horror and a question of what did I say... and so I changed the topic really quickly... and moved on and on and on.... collapsing inside ... ashamed inside... horrified at myself but desperate....
Some could say selfish... others could say other words... and all those things I was... but I was also so incapable of loving... so unattached to the world and its reality... so lacking the capacity to know remorse .. having such a seared conscience that more lies than truth flowed through me.....
But God was gracious... and I was not like one of those moms who drove their kids into a lake nor was I ever in a place where I was accused of committed some atrocity towards my kids... But only because of God's grace and the love of a community that stepped in and saw my brokenness and believed I could be different... only because of the love and commitment of a husband who was determined that I would become all that God intended for me to become....
I have no opinions on what happened.. I didn't watch one iota of this most recent event... I purposefully didn't because I know in my heart what I was so very capable of and I didn't want to be reminded... but God has other plans... and I stand stronger for looking at this and for saying.... we have no idea what is going on in another's head and if we act in horror or condemn weakness then we might miss signs that are out there to save another child's life and even the life of a mother...
I have six kids now... my goodness.. six... and I love them and am capable of doing so.. and the idea of doing them harm is foreign to me.. but one day not so very long ago it wasn't foreign... one day not so very long ago I was desperate and confused and in pain and but by the grace of God I would not be standing as the mom of those beautiful human beings.... I am one who knew darkness and death and sorrow and defeat and I am one now that knows grace and mercy and life and joy.... I must pass on that hope.... to the weary and to the down trodden... I must pass on that hope....
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