Things I have run to and
why I am stopping.....
I have run to men.. I have
run to the favor and approval of man... I have wanted the acceptance
of others, and I have walked in fear....
This morning as I was
driving Gideon to the chiropractor, I got lost in my thoughts...
praying for leaders that are in my life... praying for people that
were upon my heart... seeking God for His heart upon so very many
matters.
I began to think about the
journey of His people, of His leaders... I was seeing them as men and
women, and I was seeing people pulling upon their robes instead of
the robe of Christ. I was feeling the need for grace, for myself,
for my friends.. for us all.
I've walked both places
pulling on and being pulled on...
What is it within me that
hungers for man to come and fill in places that God could truly
satisfy? That has me trusting more in the affirmation of the words of
men then those of God? And is that what has truly happened? That
had me trusting more in the favor of men then that of God.
I have entered into the
mentality of the Israelites, being afraid of what I saw upon the
mountain of the Lord, I was satisfied for leaders to go in and bring
out for me their digested experiences. After all, who truly, when
faced with the deep darkness of God wants to go in there,
encountering God can be terrifying, ... except having emerged from
such places I now know that there is no better place to be and no
human being that could ever speak the words that satisfy as fully as
those words that flow forth from the heart of God.
He longed to be their
King, he longed that the people would come under His direct
authority and yet they longed for a king like the other nations. I
know what that feels like... I wanted a man to tell me what to do,
what I could do, what I couldn't... It felt safer that way...
I got to this one
intersection and I saw clouds form into the shape of a heart that
surrounded the sun, it was the perfect shape of a valentine's day
heart. In all honesty I couldn't believe what I was seeing... It
seemed too cliché... was I really seeing a heart in the clouds..
was this just a moment like a child making shapes out of the clouds
in the skies.... I quickly got my thinking set straight as Father
made somethings very clear to me.
I could feel that He was
expressing His heart for His people, I could see where it was that He
was pointing to my own journey, while I have written about things I
have run away from and why I am stopping I now knew He was shifting
it up a bit, and now it was things I had run towards and why I needed
to stop.
I had trusted in the
authority and position men could give me, I looked forward to it and
I enjoyed responsibilities that were given. They made me feel
important. They made me feel like I was being given opportunities to
use the gifts of God that were upon my life and it made me glad to be
used in the Kingdom.
In those places my
identity got stuck into the place of gifting not daughter. My
confidence in my earthly placement. Problem with that is that place
is a place of building upon the sand.. upon places that shift and
change and are not firm.
Those things the Lord
warned the Israelites that would happen if they got the king they
wanted.. they still chose the king... I have too....
The song, Be Magnified,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpPTjHpIIOw
an old Vineyard song has been upon my heart these days. I've made
the Lord too small in my eyes.. I've leaned on my own
understanding... In all my ways I have acknowledged the leadership of
others and allowed them to direct my path... But I have seen where I
went wrong and entered into a long season of repentance and rest..
I entered into the deep
darkness of the Lord and was wooed into the wilderness and have heard
the tender whisperings of the Lover of my soul and emerged leaning...
acknowledging Him and seeing that the paths He directs while not as
predictable are so much greater....
Verses that just keep
swirling into and through my heart are when the people exclaimed
concerning Jesus that He was not like their scribes that He walked as
one who had authority. Places where it was because Jesus knowing His
position as son and acknowledging that He could do nothing but that
which the Father was doing... How many times have I stepped into
places of just doing something because it was a good idea or because
I could versus that which the Father was doing...
The difference between
good and life is wider than the Grand Canyon.
There are places I don't
have the answers and there are theologians out there that understand
these biblical matters far better than I do... What I do know is the
difference in my heart, in my life... in the ministry that flows
forth through me, my motivations.. my assurances, my confidence these
days is so very different.
I love my God and I know I
am loved by Him... I know when I need the body of Christ and I know
when I need to lean all the more upon Christ, Himself. There are no
rules about this place.. this place is of leaning into Him and
trust...
The frailty and beauty of
humanity as it is displayed in grace and brokenness is that we will
sadly always disappoint in some place or another.. the majesty of our
God is that in His perfect love all fear is cast away and truest hope
never disappoints. He is our God.. ever grateful for His leadership
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