There are moments of sharing and then there are moments of sharing. It is within this week of Easter that the Lord is asking me to look at the deaths that have filled my life... Actually death and proverbial death... Death of loved ones and death of dreams...
The life that has emerged from each has transformed the way I think and act and live... But the loss that had to be walked through was real and tangible and the effects of which are still upon me as are their lessons.
Losses of life, losses of dreams ... loss of hope... from living with and through the actions of others to bearing forth the guilt of my own choices. From navigating the Valley of the Shadow of death to learning that He really does come down to Sheol, if I make my bed there..... This week I walk into the stories of death that have filled my life so that the life I live will be ever more abundant.
Walking these roads is in measure out of a great affection for our Father, a growing trust and an ever growing appreciation for compassion . Mark it only by grace. Well, not only grace... grace and a passion for you. There are places where we have all needed to see that the wizard of oz is a smoke screen, a bag of tricks, nothing more and nothing less behind the curtain.. one man... lots of props. That will never be the case with our God. It will always be the case where pedestals and platforms exist. In sharing of life and experiences in ministry I hope to open up the conversations, not complaints... but the sharing and healing of hearts and lives....
There are many thoughts that are upon my heart these days. I keep checking in with Father. If He is leading than I will follow, wherever that leads.
Today I paused. I thought about what it is I have been doing? What was happening? What was it that was being asked of me? But why do I share? What am I passionate about?
I have failed or faltered many times in this area, Trying to start something up, trying to form something but not having the skills or time or capacity to see it through. I think in some places I have ceased to dream or create vision because of such lack. Doubt is birthed and fear engaged.
A while back I started a Word Press blog, called AwokenAndSeen.com, alongside a project that a friend of mine and I were calling, "The Becoming You Project." With a heart for women and a passion for hope and healing, we walked forward. Except I think it was more like Joseph sharing his dreams with his brothers. It wasn't time. There hadn't been slavery and prison yet.... Well... I let the domain elapse, Word Press wasn't as easy as it looked and the rest of the story was that the lessons of slavery and prison hadn't been fully learned exactly. I think things like that are great visions and dreams but realizing for another day... not for that one... Moving forward through discovery.
Blogger to me is easy. Although having been asked more times than I know how people can subscribe to my blog without waiting for it to post to Facebook. I simply don't know. Widgets and gadgets and all that make the blogging world what it is is like a foreign language to me and I had learning disabilities when it came to language and I don't think I have outgrown them. Between twitter, Pinterest, and the list goes on and on... It can get overwhelming.
Moments of death, moments of realization that maybe that which I thought I could do I can't. Those realizations are actually the point of life. I'm not hiding weaknesses or places of seeming lack. The affects of death .. the residue of it is doubt. A giant of its own to be overcome. Slaves taste freedom and prisoners are set free... A journey of becoming..
I want to share a story. I have a friend who I truly care about, have great affection for, and appreciate his ministry. He was in town a while back and we got to talking. He shared about this game that those in his circle play around with. It is who has who in their Rolodex. All in good fun right? Who has more? Who's more important? Who's going to sit at the right hand... yadda yadda yadda.....
There are the gifts and callings of God and then there are the vessels, and then there are those that handle the vessels, those that get importance from the vessels they know and are known by... I understand that place. Identity can be a tricky thing.
Here's the sad part of that story... Walking down the hallway, I exclaimed that he would have me completely beat. I didn't engage where he was going. I wanted to talk to my friend. To a human being who I cherish and who I think the world of, not some ministry persona he felt he had to put forward... so I asked him how he was... The stories of loneliness that then came forward from his heart. The reality of an existence in the public eye without an outlet to be real, to share one's heart... To live in an image whose yoke is too heavy bare.
I've been blessed to see great things in ministry... I've been blessed to see some horrific things in ministry... and I've been blessed to see some ugly things in ministry and I have tasted death and I have stepped into life. I am grateful for the lessons the years have taught me.
A friend posted this to Facebook.. it reminded me of the idea of 10,000 guardians verses the few fathers that exist. Perhaps we need less visionaries and more holy masters,those whose vision/message can be understood by the simple phrase,"Imitate me."
There are many I would not want to imitate. There are many places in me that I would not want imitated.
Every now and then you get a vessel who turns from the handlers and faces the Lord. I'm not catholic and I'm not saying more than what I'm saying... But story after story that emerges about this pope only make me smile and makse me think he is causing his handlers as my Yiddish grandmother would put it, agita. But his testimony of his choices.. to love the people, to have compassion upon them, to not let his office or position make him think more of himself than he ought is inspiring.
It reminds me of what a wise friend once spoke in regards to a vision he had... "we are no more and no less then that which we are... " The sons and daughters of God Most High.
It is from that place I walk now... not sure exactly of where.. not forming any grand vision or scheme or plan... But turning this past slave/prisoner heart of mine towards Father and becoming more and more of a daughter, I am living the dreams I dreamed. To walk and to share and to have compassion and to show mercy and extend grace is all I long to do... The wheres, whens, hows... I'll leave that to Him.
For now there is a four year old cuddling next to me and I anticipate three amazing teens to come in my door... for those of you reading this post and the others I write... I bless you... May our journey and our paths cross often... may you receive hope and healing and life and joy from the things I share.. may you be inspired to follow Him all the more... may you share with me your stories and the grace you have found and may we all be made strong together...
For when we are together we each bring a song, hymn, spiritual melody.... I bless you into life....
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