Freedom
Children
Courage
Love
Life
Truth
You
What I am thoroughly convinced of...
Him... His love.. His ways.. His beauty....
You.. You are created in His image (Genesis 1:27), You can not be plucked from His hand (John 10:28-29), You ravish the heart of the Almighty God, Lord of all Lords, King of all Kings, Creator of all things (Song of Solomon 4:9)
A series that began with my name and continued into a series of its own starting with the first posting of, Things I have run from and why I am stopping.... Mental Illness, Depression, and the Past- Part 1..
http://walkingthepassage.blogspot.com/2013/03/things-i-have-run-from-and-why-i-am_2580.html
some what has transformed things for me...
In walking backwards into the past I have spring boarded into the future. In touching the pain, in revisiting history I have set up remembrances of grace and mercy... of frailty and triumph... of life and death....
Back in October of 2009.. I entered into writing about Josiah. This last season had him come to the forefront of our lives again. Not that he ever leaves fully but life has brought healing and our God is masterful at redemption. I will not alter the original post.... It was precious to me the things that I felt that the Lord was saying to me...
But I will tell his story, our story.. a story of hope and redemption and life and celebration.. Death where is thy victory ... Oh Grave where is thy sting!
http://walkingthepassage.blogspot.com/2009/10/ten-thousand-miles-and-beyond.html?updated-min=2009-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2010-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=49
I write because having walked in these places I have been witness to all too many who go an entire life time never speaking, living under the weights of past failures... of past sins... Hoping with all hope that they are never discovered. Never living fully boldly or confidently before a throne of grace because their hearts are so steeped in condemnation that might come from others but that definitely comes forth from their own depths. So terrified of being found out... so shrouded by shame...
I walk not in self-preservation... Because there is nothing to preserve... I have been crucified with Christ and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)
So Josiah's story.. My story with him is an eternal one. I love him. I will meet him one day fully. I have seen him in dreams and in the spirit and if that wigs you out you should go read Ezekiel, as well as the great cloud of witnesses, and realize that upon the resurrection there were dead people walking around Jerusalem. I'm not a theologian so I'll end there in regards to this subject. That is not the main point.
The main point is our God is amazing. He is righteous and passionate and full of truth. He is kind, He is gracious and He is forgiving. I feel like I'm on a journey to open the eyes of people to how true it is that it is kindness that leads one to repentance, and mercy triumphs over judgement and perfect love casts out all fear.
So here we go leaping and jumping into freedom.
Over a month ago the pain of the reality of Josiah's life and death would come back around and hit home for Jim. As one who has been the strong one for me, he walked our family through very hard seasons.. being faithful to God and to me... There are seasons of healing coming to all...
There would be a conversation I would have with my pastor's wife on a Friday afternoon. I was already struggling with the issues of "the things I had done." Having received so much healing for the things that had been done unto me, I was now experiencing empathy and compassion and remorse on new levels. It was hard to not walk in condemnation.
I think the important place to pause is that for so long I had been in survival mode. Survive whatever the cost. I truly didn't have the capacity to step into caring about how my actions affected others, I was barely existing. As one who was drowning it was hard enough to tread the water to even get a gasp of air, let alone think about anything else.
But that had ceased being the case, my heart had received healing and the capacity to feel remorse had be birthed and my conscience was alive and strong, now the pain came. The realizations of moments where my thoughts had only been upon myself and survival were now seeing the bigger picture and the ripple and tidal wave affects of those decisions that I had made upon those that I loved the most.
It wasn't so much the questions of "how could I have done such things?" because I can remember what walking in those times felt like and were like, it was more just a very deep sadness that I had caused so much harm, so much pain.
It was a precious conversation that I had that day as I navigated the thoughts and emotions of how much harm my choices had wrought upon the life of my husband and my family. It was a safe place to process hideous thoughts about self and life and past and present. It would continue a journey that has been ongoing since 1993.
Approaching twenty years... Our son would be 20. If............................
We had come back east from California. Life had been insane... oh you know, not even being saved for two years and a woman falls in love with the man you are going to marry and begins to hate you to the point where she is contemplating taking your life. It was the real life version of a series of very unfortunate events.
But even without all that drama. My heart and mind were exhausted.
I had found an amazing man, one who knew my story and knew me and loved me.... But I was crippled with more thoughts then I knew what to do with, the fact that I had finally told my parents about some of the abuse I had experienced, only for them to question the other person and to be told I was just lying again.
Well, I had lied so much that that was not a hard conclusion to come to but it was beneficial to them to believe it and they wanted to and so they did. Except I was under the delusion that I couldn't live unless they knew the truth that finally I wasn't lying any longer.
Jim and I had gotten pregnant while still living in California. He was so excited about becoming a dad. I was tortured by the idea of becoming a mom. I didn't want to be married any longer. I didn't want to be pregnant any longer. I felt trapped, imprisoned... daily reminded and taunted by my past. I needed to escape. I was convinced I couldn't live if my parents didn't know the truth and I was convinced there was no way I could ever be a mother.
We got back from out west and whatever was left within me completely crumbled... On the days before entering Carrier ( http://walkingthepassage.blogspot.com/2013/03/behind-locked-doors-my-life-on.html )
I would ask Jim to leave my parent's house, I would believe lies and I would make the worst decision of my life.
Josiah was going to die. Our son would be aborted.
There are moments that are incomprehensible. Graces granted were only guilt should be declared. There are moments so fragile and so painful and so debilitating but the grace of God there would be no coming back from. In the first blog post where I wrote about Josiah (link shared up above.) I would talk about her, another woman, another time... convicted, caught... guilty... finding grace... those that would throw stones at her would first have to hear of their own guilt. He who was without sin had no stone to cast, only words to speak, "Neither do I condemn you."
It is a famous Corrie Ten Boom quote that there is no pit that God isn't deeper still, and we are told in scripture that if we make our bed in Sheol He is there..... Do you believe it?
What about in a room where an abortion was taking place? Would Christ be found there? Do you believe that in your completely worse moments Christ is right by your side?
That is the majesty of the Lord we serve. As we are days away from Good Friday and the Celebration of His sacrifice. The reality of the fullness of that sacrifice most be felt, known, received.
My pastor, Jonathan Martin, of Renovatus Church.. would text me Sunday morning. It was his wife I had spent hours on the phone with on Friday, receiving kindness, mercy, grace. He was teaching about her, the woman caught in adultery... he had heard my story and wanted to share it, keeping my name out of it... maintaining my dignity.
Jim and I have talked about Josiah often, shared about him.. this felt different. It felt like a holy moment was upon us. I had no idea. Having been struggling with the guilt of my past and the pain of my choices I would listen to my pastor preach.. you have got to listen to this man preach.. it is amazing! He had stepped into this series of woman and Jesus. He was going preach on "The Men Who Got Caught Throwing Rocks."
( http://renovatuschurch.com/media.php?pageID=5 ) You must truly listen to this message.. You must truly listen to the whole series, Seen!
I would listen to him share our story and a grace would flood me and forgiveness and tenderness would go ever deeper still....
So I would be there.. laying there and no in a dream, not in a vision... but Jesus would come and stand by my side. He would hold one of my hands while placing His other hand upon my heart. I remember looking at Him, and looking at the nurse and the doctor and couldn't imagine how they were not getting saved.
But as our son passed from life to LIFE.. Jesus was standing by my side.. keeping my focus upon His eyes full of love, life, hope and promise... Not at all condoning but not at all condemning. His presence that day kept a very frail and fragile mind and heart and life together. His presence that day has lived forward and shouted aloud how deeply I am forgiven.. How truly full His grace is..... That even when making a bed in Sheol He is there. He is there... waiting and able to walk you out...
Jim's grandmother would pass away. At her funeral I would have a vision of her standing over her casket and she was holding a little boy's hand. I knew it was Josiah. I knew it was him. I didn't know how to tell Jim. I wanted to but I didn't know how to... We got in the car and I looked at him, "Josiah has a grandmother's hand to hold." Jim looked at me, "You saw that too?!?" In a moment the Lord had allowed us both to behold our son.
The years would pass and the Lord would woo my heart towards motherhood and towards a confidence that He does indeed make all things new.... He would walk me through having children, He would walk me out of Sheol and into a life I never thought I could live... Because that is what He does... He brings forth life from death. Hope from despair. Joy from sorrow. Our redeemer lives...
Oh Death where is thy victory.. Oh Grave where is thy sting...
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