Things I have run from and why I am stopping: The Past...

Waking up with the early morning hours... The house is quiet. That doesn't happen often. It is the perfect time to tackle this post. The familiar surroundings, the quiet, my sweet Lincoln.. (our Golden Retriever) me and my laptop.

So the title of this series of posts, included the words or phrases; mental illness, depression and the past. What would be the hardest one for you to tackle, or take on? I feel so very called to talk openly and honestly about mental illness, it's affects.. living with it.. be healed.. giving hope... depression falls within that category for me as well.

While they aren't “easy” to talk about I feel like the story of my life sets me up to do so and I feel under girded there, supported there, confident in the grace of God there. However, “the past” did not hold the same grace for me.

Let me explain as best I can.

The places of depression and mental illness that I have touched, walked in, felt, been healed from... are touch points for me. I have seen clearly how and where the Lord has landed and taken back ground.

Yes, that is then a part of my past.

Yes, His faithfulness covers all.

And as it pertains to me and my story I feel the grace so thoroughly overall upon my life. Yes, there are still moments where opportunities to face down giants, past or present, present themselves, that is not what I am bringing forward in this place.

One of my favorite series of verses are those that talk about where I am called to reside positionally upon the earth and yet connected to Heaven, to my Father. Boldly and confidently standing before the throne of grace. I can have that confidence except for when my heart condemns my own life. Then I must turn and remember that there is now no condemnation for those that are in Christ.

You see there are things that feel so different for me. My mind feels different. My heart feels different. There are places that the Lord has restored, made new.. brought wholeness into, and so in those places there is a deep reservoir of confidence in Him.

Where I need to grow that confidence? The place where I need to receive more grace and mercy is when looking into the past, I must thoroughly step into the place where the redemption of the cross and the power of our Savior's blood is as it speaks... As Isaiah speaks, what was once as red as scarlet is now as white as snow, and as the psalms express, as far as the east is from the west so far have my transgressions been removed from me.

I stand in the place of the woman caught in adultery, (not specifically but might as well... whatever it is that we've been caught at, ends up being food for the accusers until truth is heard.) There are always those who would throw stones. While not actually being able to physically be in two places, I could imagine of myself holding the largest of rocks more ready to cast upon myself than any other would desire to do so.

Some of the last steps of this wilderness contained within them, the Father's desire that I no longer condemn myself. Who am I? If he no longer condemns me, than who am I to showcase before Him why He should? Are my sins greater than the cross of His Son? That is ludicrous! But how many of us operate there?

For me it wasn't even about me, per se.

Those things I had done laid before me screaming their testimonies of my inadequacy, of my failure, of my sin. The faces of the people I had hurt, lied to, manipulated, murdered … were ever before me. How is a place of such torment defeated? When the acknowledgment of the harm I have done can not truly be undone and there are those who live their lives with an imprint of my hand across their face, their life, how does one walk with that?

Again it is in meeting at the foot of the cross that one can only see such things rightly.

Being forgiven is not a light equation for me, for I know the depth of need, but could I receive it? It is pride that looks upon that sacrifice and does not. He deemed me worthy to receive forgiveness, how dare I not stand boldly there until graces of such a thorough redemption fill my soul?

I loved when my pastor entitled a series, Seen, and took up the stories of women and Jesus. He would entitle the one sermon concerning the woman caught in adultery, as “The men who got caught throwing rocks.” It was within this time, so very recently, that I found myself struggling with self condemnation. I saw ache in my husband's heart, felt the sting of the words he would share... was very fully aware and intimately acquainted with the grief I had caused him.

How does one cross bridges that have so much water underneath them?

Forgiveness, grace.. mercy... triumph.. They have to in these places... These matters were not light. Their weight excruciating. What I would learn is that the yoke and the burden of them were never to fall upon my shoulders, and my heart was being taught how to believe that as truth. That was the lesson that needed learning, my heart had to be instructed in the matters of grace and forgiveness. It was a welcomed release.

Jim's pain would come to a head and the need for healing would present itself in a way that would shatter all pretense. You see it wasn't the things done to me that were now riddling through my heart and mind, it was the things I had done. This was the fruit of things I had planted a long time ago.

How does one not look upon oneself and not think “monster?”

Except the Lord had never wanted that to be the placement of my thinking and even within the confines of a moment, that is hard for anyone to believe, He had already stepped in; the cross is greater than any of us can truly imagine. Our hearts ache for its reality. Our souls perish without it, but with it truest life and freedom come forth. In the flood of the cross all else is destroyed and we get to stand on the mountain of our God hearing His words flow over us, that neither does He condemn us.