Walking the Passage: Things I have run from and why I am stopping... Number 3: Mental Illness, Depression and the past

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Things I have run from and why I am stopping... Number 3: Mental Illness, Depression and the past - Part 1

Entering into writing this blog post reminds me of two others I have written. Sitting down at the keyboard. Pausing. Praying. Reflecting. Then diving straight in because to give it too much thought would have me running in the opposite direction.

Actually that is not as true as it might once have been. I have faced the dark thick cloud upon the mountain of my God and I have entered in, and truly, (more than ever before in my life.. building upon other times) I have emerged with a changed countenance.

Life is truly strength to strength. And now, now I sit, pause, reflect, and acknowledge... I sit here feeling the wellness of my soul in depths I have never known, and it is good. It is very good.

This wilderness season both with it's longevity and brutality got down to the depths of me in a way that few things have.

OK... I now know how serious God was about getting to the foundation of my life and fears.

To start this whole process with my name

( http://walkingthepassage.blogspot.com/2013/03/things-i-have-run-from-and-why-i-am.html ) and then to right on the cusp of that to land where we did today. All I can say is Wow!

I do feel the shift. I do feel the proverbial caterpillar out of the cocoon thing and flying like a whole other creature. He has been speaking it for months. "Get ready to say good bye to the wilderness."

But seriously, I'm just getting used to these wings. Shouldn't we take it a bit easy.

But that hasn't been the pace of my life, so why start now? Besides I crawled on the ground for a long time and I like the perspective that comes with soaring in the air. This emerging out of the wilderness has been amazing for me, nothing in the natural has really changed. Situations and circumstances still the same. But I have learned to lean. See part two of this series: http://walkingthepassage.blogspot.com/2013/03/things-i-have-run-from-and-why-i-am_20.html

So even if this blog post is long or I pair the third article of this series into numerous parts, here we go.....

Things I have run from and why I am stopping... Number 3: Mental Illness, Depression and the past

There are many posts on this blog that share my testimony and I have stepped into writing my story both as fiction and non fiction. I will post some chapters soon. But here is where I step in with this post, how the echos of the past at times haunt and bring their questions to bare, what it feels like to know I was once mentally ill, what it feels like to have a clear mind now, and how I have learned to step into the future while remembering the past.

I wish I could say I remember all things. But the truth is I don't. So what I do remember are these things:

Lying about everything, and not even knowing why.
Feeling so much pain inside I thought I was going to burst and spending most of the time wishing I would.
Feeling the dark cold reality of loneliness to degrees that felt immeasurable.
My head hurting. My heart hurting worse.
Not feeling connected to humanity. Not knowing remorse. Not feeling like I had a conscience.
Not being able to enjoy people or the moment. Being so self consumed and so full of pain that I couldn't step out of myself and I hurt people I desperately wanted to love but just didn't know how .
Becoming aware of my surroundings and being 5 hours and 2 states away from where I lived, not knowing how I got to where I was except that I was behind the steering wheel of the car.
My head feeling like it was full of wet concrete. My life feeling the same.
Hopeless
Abandoned
Afraid
Embarrassed
Angry
Alone
Incapable of making it better and terrified it was only going to get worse.
Paralyzed by fear and judgment and abuse.
Terrified, sad, suicidal...
Dull, motionless, dissociated.
Bound and ashamed and shackled and tossed to and fro

Growing up within the confines of a household where sexual and physical abuse and torment were a given, I gave way to long periods of dissociation. It took over 450 pages to write my story as fiction, it certainly won't be covered here in a blog post. I just wanted to give you enough back ground for where I am heading in these posts.

I have said it often but the words that were spoken over me at one point in my life were: She should never get married, she should never have kids, she will live in a psych hospital all the days of her life and she will be on strong medication for the duration of her lifetime. 20 years, 6 kids later... living in a house that can get crazy but not behind locked doors and while there is nothing wrong with needing medication I don't take any.

That is the story of my life, the redemption of the Lord and the words of my testimony. We will defeat the enemy with the blood of the Lamb, that we love not our own lives unto death and by the words of our testimony. Jesus' has healed me in ways that I stand astounded by and asked me to open my mouth and share, I lay my life down daily and speak, pray and minister to those who are walking or have walked similar paths. Breaking off the chains and stigma of accusation, pain and abuse.

Mental illness stole just as much life from me as did the abuse. But neither gets to claim my identity. I am a child of God, a daughter of the Lord Most High. I probably had more in common with the Gerasene Demoniac then any other person in the bible, but deliverance and healing has left me more thoroughly like a Mary and becoming even more so.

There is much more to share... there is so much more about this topic I want to dive into.... So I will leave you here with this... No matter whether you are the person, or the support... Know THERE IS HOPE!!!!! There is hope... healing... joy....

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One of my Favorite Narnian Quotes...

“One word, Ma’am,” he said, coming back from the fire; limping because of the pain. “One word. All you’ve been saying is quite right, I shouldn’t wonder. I’m a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won’t deny any of what you said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things – trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that’s a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We’re just babies making up a game, if you’re right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world that makes you real world hollow. That’s why I’m going to stand by the play-world. I’m on Aslan’s side even if there isn’t any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we’re leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for the Overland.

A Brilliant Quote from Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,

but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking

so that others won't feel unsure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in every one.

As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.