You know parts of the story.... I was the daughter of a CIO

I totally get that there are huge parts of my story that some can not relate to in the degree to which they were walked out... No, it isn't often that someone runs away to Amish country, ends up on a psych ward and has a visitation with Jesus and gets saved.  I get that...


For weeks now the Lord has been having me think more and more about those types of people that I grew up alongside.


I understand that my heart is going to always head towards the marginalized.


I am more likely to be found sitting in the corner talking or praying with someone then on a golf course.  I don't necessarily do "casual" real well at all and most topics of conversation that I thrive within are the ones where people are sharing about their hearts and lives in a real way, or we are talking about the Kingdom of God.


 I don't mean to be "religious" in this and I find myself interested in things that others are interested in and can flow with conversation but you'll always find  me in my element when it is a heart to heart with someone who just wants to know more about being a son or daughter of God.


The area of life I don't talk about a lot is the culture I grew up within.


 I'm not talking about the crazy abuse here or all that transpired.  I "grew up" in an American household in the suburbs.  I grew up as the youngest of two, had both parents, a grandmother and a dog.  We had a yard.  We took trips into whichever city we lived by whether it be Boston or Manhattan.  I grew up going to Broadway, going skiing, riding horses.  I grew up taking honor and AP level classes.  I started a chapter of Amnesty International as a senior in high school and did musical theater, I was even a peer counselor.


I would be nineteen before I would ever say anything to anyone.  I would only speak then because on the night before I was leaving the University I had been asked to leave (story for another day)  someone asked me why I behaved the way I did.  Why was I so careless with life?  Why did I act so out of control without thought to consequences?


I looked the part.  I lived the life.  Robotically, day in and day out, month in and month out, year in and year out...  silent.  Never reaching out for help.


I once had this conversation with a friend of mine not too long ago.  We were talking about our lives and she began to share about the abuse she had endured as a child.  I listened to her story.  She then got to the part where she spoke that as a child she finally told on her family member that was sexually abusing her,  I'll never forget hearing that part of her story.  It sent shock waves down and through me.  I would have never dared say anything about my life growing up to anyone.


We were that All American family.  Parents, 2 point whatever kids, the dog and the mother-in-law.  We went shopping at Copley Plaza in Boston.  I ate at some of the best restaurants in NYC.  The story goes that at the age of 4 I could tell the taxi cab driver how to get to Bloomingdales.


These last few weeks I keep feeling drawn to the people I grew up around.  The children of lawyers, doctors, business executives... those that we joined at the pool clubs we belonged to, those we went to school with, those we lived in the same neighborhoods as...  I keep seeing a picture of this man, this executive, standing at a window in an office pretty high up.  He is who everyone wants to be, except he doesn't want to be himself....


I've met people like that.  People in ministry, people in industry, people all around... you know the people you look at at Starbucks or Target or wherever and think they are good-looking, they look like they've got stuff going for them, wish I had their life......  It's because you don't really know their life.


I have loved the movie, The Ultimate Gift.  It presents a rich young man, a trust fund baby, whose grandfather dies.  In order to inherit he has to walk through some interesting events.  One of which shows him he really doesn't have any friends.  All those that loved him as the rich young tycoon all disappear when he finds himself in need.  It is a really good movie and I've enjoyed watching it.    It doesn't have to be some corner by a window at the end of a hall in a psych hospital, one can be just as alone and tormented in the middle of a crowd of those that would be the most fervent supporters.


What are people left with truly when all is said and done and they are sitting alone, whether it be in an apartment on 5th avenue or a cottage on the side of a mountain, or everywhere in between?


There are those who have a lot they can cover up their emotions with... golf trips to the world's best courses, expensive dinners and trips, fun ways to keep busy, shopping, multitudes of ways to entertain yourself and half a dozen friends... but what about at night when you are sipping your brandy, your glass of red wine....  what about those early morning hours where you know that no one in their right mind would want to be you because you truly don't want to be you anymore....


There's an image to maintain.  What's going to happen to the family?  That question haunted me for almost two decades.  At my expense I kept secrets and pushed my life forward until I couldn't any longer...  It was exhausting.  I see people doing that all the time.  And I get the picture of Jesus aching over Jerusalem, longing to gather them into His arms...


Whether Jesus was healing the leper or talking to the centurion, He met people where they were at and He always always made a difference.  Did I really need to end up in a psych hospital somewhere before I would begin opening my mouth?  I don't know.  I don't get to know the part of the story that didn't get played out.


I just write this today because I keep feeling in the depths of me to reach out beyond those I naturally lean towards.  I lived among an image bearing competitive crowd of All Americans.  They didn't know my story.  They didn't know what I had lived through or what I went home to, they knew what I let them and I lived an image until I couldn't. And it truly suffocated the life out of me and nearly killed me multiple times.


I once had this other blog that I had entitled, Awoken and Seen.  I let the address go, not truly understanding Go Daddy nor the blogging world.  I am not technological savvy.   But I liked that title.  "Awoken and Seen."


I feel like that describes my life now... I woke up and decided it was time to open my mouth and let my life be seen.  All I can do now is to encourage you to do the same. I wish I had spoken up sooner.  I wish that there had been someone I would have risked with and shared.  None of us can ever go back.  My passion now is to be that for others, whether it is through encouragement to open your heart and speak about the things that are causing you to crumble inside, or to actually be that person for you....  I just could never say it enough.


The only image we are called to bear is that which we were created to do... His....  No other image is worth the cost.