I must admit once again that this journey of 100 days of taking thoughts captive is going to places I never EVER anticipated. Sitting on my loveseat in our new home in Blacksburg, I am finding a ton of things to do instead of writing this. Facebook, twitter, pacing... checking the mail, arranging pillows... thinking about the heat that is on and the house that is warming up...
All to avoid this one picture that won't leave me alone.
It is of this man, this man in a three piece suit, he is in a high rise building, standing by a window in a huge corner office. I can see his face as he looks out the window, I can see into his office, I can see all around...
This picture arrived in a vision and it will not let go of me. Yesterday our pastor stepped into this place at the end of the sermon, and spoke numerous times out over the congregation in a very spirit led way, it was upon him to speak out and remind the sons and daughters of God that God was not ashamed of them.
The words hit and began to ricochet and haven't stopped. This afternoon as Jim and I drove I began to share about this vision and pastor's words and how they were swirling together. It wasn't the word embarrassed, it wasn't the word humiliated, it was the word "ashamed." And between the picture and the word I felt the barreling down of the Spirit upon my person to unlock things I had put very far away from the forefront of my mind.
I thought of my friend Rick Sizemore, and his teachings on strongholds, and how he defines it as something that cuts you off from the Lord's presence, provision and truth. I thought to myself, yup this is definitely that.
And I have known that writing this would take some effort. Even as my fingers find the keys to type out the words I feel the stinging of tears upon my face.
I bought into the notion that my life and story don't give me the entrance into much middle of the road living in Christian circles. Which really has been alright with me. I operate very comfortably within the circles I do and until this man staring out of his window appeared on the scene, I felt very called to the broken and marginalized. What I realize is I still do... But God is shifting my picture, my mindset, to match His!
Yesterday, in the afternoon, the Lord started to ask me the question of who was my neighbor, and what extra mile would I walk down? Today, He kept up His finger pointing into my heart, and asked me what I thought being all things to all people meant. And truly the more he nudged the more I wanted to slug Him.
It felt like I did on the day that my friend, Rick, wanted me to say "dad" in a prayer and not call my father, Brian. I wanted to slug my friend at that moment too. And it took quite a while for me to step into the places that he felt I needed to go... I did venture there however. Today has so very much to do with that, with Brian's world, with the world I left when I ran away and headed to Amish country.
While I will write more of the specifics later this is what I would say here, no matter how disclosing you think I might be, no matter how transparent... there are places that still have quite a few cobwebs upon them.
Those places are not easy to touch.
Those places cause me to find a million and one distractions so as to not have to touch them, look at them or think upon them... This vision of this CEO is one of them. For me it represents the likeness of Nineveh. It is the last place I want to go... Give me the broken, the marginalized, the sick, the hurting... but....
Yesterday God and I took the stance of Jacob and the Angel and the wrestling mat was the ground of my heart. He kept reminding me of the days when Jim was a programmer in Manhattan and we had a live in nanny. He kept reminding me of lunches with friends, movies in the afternoon alone or with friends, shopping trips. He kept reminding me of all the things I did with or without the children. Could I buy more, entertain myself more, keep myself as busy as I wanted in whatever capacity of busy I wanted? Absolutely. And life was good.
I could even step into spirituality and love Jesus and ministry but without much of a pull or demand upon me that I didn't want or take up. Felt great giving money in large quantities to ministries, felt good to be helping people....
Except....
Amidst all the spending of money and the entertainment of foolish things (not all entertainment is foolish but when you are capable of covering up everything with all sorts of entertainment at some point it becomes foolish... or in Solomon's words meaningless.)
I couldn't buy the cutest most new "it" toy enough, I couldn't take my kids to the greatest new place enough, couldn't spend enough, couldn't give enough... all of the activity and busyness was crippling and suffocating. Maybe you think, I'd love to have that suffocation. I get that. I get that because I have lived the other side of that coin too. When there wasn't enough and struggling to make ends meet... what I wouldn't do to have those problems. Right?!?!
Except it is all the same problem... Just different pictures... same coin.. different side...
Except the point of all of it is truly that it doesn't matter whether you are that CEO in the window or whatever your station in life might be... you can be at the pinnacle of success and be perishing or you can be at what the world would declare as down and out and be flourishing. The standards of the world and the dictates of its culture are not what dictates and determines truth.
I was telling someone today that God is not partial. That He does not have favorites. I was explaining how I get that because we have six children and while they are all different human beings I love them all intensely. No one more or less than the other.
The vision of this CEO is messing with me.. mostly because I would judge that that culture aren't the broken, the marginalized, the hurting, the lonely, the lost, the afraid.... but that isn't Christ's story or perspective of them.
I have found success can actually be one of the loneliest places one can ever walk. Are friends really your friends? Do people really care about you? What would happen if everything was gone? Who would still be there.....
Great question! Almost 7 years ago I found out the answer to some of those questions. When upon a decision that my husband knew was the right one that he needed to make, our world changed quite dramatically. We went from highly favored to toxic waste and black listed in a moment. Not for sin mind you.... But even if it had been.... most of those that a moment before would have considered themselves our best friends were no where to be seen.
Whether it be the lessons of seeing all, prince or pauper, favored one or the one nobody knows, within each one.. within each place comes the call to authentically find needs met in Christ and Christ alone. We all are a mess in need of grace. We all use whatever is at our disposal to try and cover it up...
Well, I want to be done covering up the need and trying to not feel exposed.
What if the extra mile is to clean up real nicely and go into Saks Fifth Avenue and walk around and pray for those that are there? Is that the gospel? I have stood recently within similar places and seen the need upon a woman's face and been broken because it reminded me of the culture I escaped from....
What if "being all things to all people," means I don't get to talk about the things I see in the spirit, or sitting in a corner talking about the deeper things of people's hearts but it means putting on a smile and caring about someone who is asking about their shoes, or what color of beige to paint their living room?
Can I step into whatever world the Lord asks and reflect His image?
Can I walk whatever road He places my feet on?
Can I curb what I would say and speak the language and the culture of the ones He puts in front of me?
It is what Jim and I teach in the class, Receiving and Communicating Revelation, except I NEVER thought these would be the miles He would ask me to walk upon .... But taking all thoughts captive and letting Him walk into the places of my mind and heart and change things up is what these days are about....
So..... life is truly looking very differently these days... But I like His thoughts and His ways and I am learning.... Taking all thoughts captive isn't at all what I anticipated but it is more goodness than I know what to do with...
OK.... the picture is still there but so is the grace.... Taking the plunge... whatever that may mean.... wherever that may lead.
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