- Doubts about what I am doing in writing
- Regrets over past relationships
- Fear over past relationships
- Acknowledgement of where I know I lack
- Sorrow over things that can not be different (They can be redeemed but not changed.)
Then His sweet whisper... "Those who know their God will display strength and take action." And His comfort touched the doubts and I knew that while there is so much about Him I do not know that I really do know Him in the ways He has empowered me to do so and I love leaning into Him, and knowing Him, and being His.... And then there was COMFORT.
Assurance that all I have to do is follow Him, and that isn't in some grand notion although the notion of it is grand.... If I love Him and love those around me... The promise is that I will know Him. So I set my heart on loving Him and let all the rest take care of itself.
Assurance that all I have to do is follow Him, and that isn't in some grand notion although the notion of it is grand.... If I love Him and love those around me... The promise is that I will know Him. So I set my heart on loving Him and let all the rest take care of itself.
We were in a bridal store as the dearest of friends found her dress! A stranger... seriously a stranger, a father of another bride was sitting next to us with his wife as his daughter was trying on dresses at the same time.
We are not a shy bunch and with the energy in the room, friendship was easy to come by... but this man, this father... stood up at one point and straightened out the back of my friend's dress, in the most humble and generous and beautiful moments, this man played a part in the day that he could have had no idea of the weight or magnitude of that which he was doing.. but it was the most staggering of moments.
So much was within that place and there are stories there that aren't mine to tell.... But, this morning remembrances and joys of that moment hit my heart as did remembrances of sitting next to a friend last night, an older man... who just took interest... who asked me questions about our move, our new house, the friends he doesn't know, the people he hasn't met....
It was really precious.. not a stranger but a friend taking the time to sit and talk and ask and go beyond the casual nature of conversation at such an evening.
Those thoughts hit my heart with a depth of sorrow and weight that I did not expect.
It was really precious.. not a stranger but a friend taking the time to sit and talk and ask and go beyond the casual nature of conversation at such an evening.
Those thoughts hit my heart with a depth of sorrow and weight that I did not expect.
I tried to gird myself into the truth. I tried to shrug it all off and acknowledge my God and that His Fathership is amazing... and full and that I am ok... and that my dear friends, after all my days of praying, "How .. how, dearest God... How do you Father me here?" did I see Him arise in His majesty and in His authority and in His compassion....
He whispered the word, "Permission." Not permission to sin in anger, nor the permission to be bitter or complain... not permission to hate... not permission to judge... not permission to walk in forgiveness... but permission to grieve... permission to say it hurts... permission to acknowledge what He already deeply knows...
While I had a biological dad he was not a father. I have given myself permission to call him by name instead of title. But as of late I have truly missed having that role in my life, that place where there is a tangible human being whose experience and wisdom I can glean from, whose heart is for me and for my well being.
I push into Father because He is my refuge and He is my strength and He is my Abba... He is my refuge and my help and I am not left... And there is truly no place to go to but Him... but when in moments I wonder if that which I am writing is too much, if I'm not being "wise" enough, if I'm shooting myself in the foot, if I expose myself to much...
In moments where I wonder how to do it "right," how to blog "right," how to figure things out with all sorts of aspects of life... In moments where I feel lack and all I can do is lean... and lean and lean and lean and lean and lean and lean... in those moments I wish for an easier way...
In moments where I wonder how to do it "right," how to blog "right," how to figure things out with all sorts of aspects of life... In moments where I feel lack and all I can do is lean... and lean and lean and lean and lean and lean and lean... in those moments I wish for an easier way...
And that spiral used to take me down and down and down...
Until....
Until a season of pause... of rest... of repentance... of getting to know Him all the more... of becoming settled in His love.. no longer the frantic colicky baby, but swaddled in His love with the promise that flows forth from Isaiah... "Can a woman forget her nursing child And have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. (Isaiah 49:15)
This morning the word, permission, roared in with it an acknowledgement and an understanding that brought tears, a new strength, and grace.....
He is not a genie... He is not the answer to some spell..... there is no prescription to walk through grief, loss, weakness.... there is no set course for the orphan to not be forgotten... But there is truth.... a Truth that is the Rock that is the most sure reality...
In Psalm 10:14 it is written, "But you do see, for you note mischief and vexation, that you may take it into your hands; to you the helpless commits himself; you have been the helper of the fatherless. "(other versions use the word orphan.)
He is not a genie... and there really isn't a five step plan to follow God...
know Him..
love Him...
trust His truth...
there is healing for the places within that struggle..
there is hope...
there is joy..
there is strength....
know Him..
love Him...
trust His truth...
there is healing for the places within that struggle..
there is hope...
there is joy..
there is strength....
There isn't a phone number that connects me with an earthly father... there isn't a dad who walks upon the earth whose wisdom I feel sheltered and led by.. but He who is Wisdom for all the ages is REALLY.. not religiously.. but REALLY my Father and my helper and comfort in times of need....
Give yourself permission to ache... to long for... to weep... to grieve.... to mourn.... give yourself permission to be undone knowing He knit you together.. He can reknit you together.... Align yourself with the truth of Heaven and watch the lies of the flesh, the world and the enemy fall to the ground....
You are NOT weak when you ache.....
You are NOT foolish when you need....
You are NOT pathetic when you cry....
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
“Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
“Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
Matthew 5
In giving myself permission ... I have walked with Him into places of being known and knowing that while they don't always change the circumstances and situations, they change me and grant me hope.....
Permission
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