As the journey of taking every thought captive continues, I am already off any path I thought this 100 days would look like. Already more profound to me, and already taking me places in which I can tangibly see a difference in perspective and I did not anticipate that happening so soon. In all honesty I pictured days of taking lies I have believed and memorizing scripture and working diligently to step into a place where more of me was thinking and acting like Him.
Except it has been more liken to that Aladdin song, A whole new world upon a magic carpet ride!
Today I was struck by some events that have unfolded. Moments where I was given the opportunity to see humanity for what it is. That statement sounds so grandiose and I do apologize for that. I guess what I mean to say is that I had a moment where I was empowered to see others in such a way as with a depth of the Father's heart that I haven't necessarily stepped into before.
It filled my heart with the reality of Heaven's ways and the ways Father see us all, and it saturated my soul and left me kneeling.
As I was in that posture, I heard the Father speak that this moment is full of Christ's last prayer. "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." And I am moved even more as my fingers race to type the letters that will form these words.
Whether or not I will be able to convey this which is upon me, I do not know... But I will try...
I remember being incapable of feeling remorse... I remember being incapable of true connection to another human being... I remember pinching the flesh on my right arm to see if it would hurt, to see if I was capable of feeling pain, I remember "not knowing what I was doing." I am not making excuses for myself. But I see myself and my past and my sin within the context of those words.
I didn't have much of or even any conscience. I could do things and not think twice about the harm I was causing, it was all about me.. In those moments I truly didn't understand. In that prayer, that Christ speaks upon the cross.... I see His understanding of the ways of man. If I had truly understood that which I was doing I would have stopped. I do so now. When I know that something I might say is harmful or an action not beneficial, I don't speak and I don't act. Because I am aware of that which I would say or do and I DON'T want to cause harm or be an avenue of pain.
Within these moments of today a greater capacity for compassion filled my soul. I am more full of His perspective than I have ever been. Not because I memorized scripture and took a hold of false beliefs, those ARE great practices... But because He is wooing me to higher ground...
Again whatever is pure
Whatever is lovely
Not seeking my own
Being patient, kind.. Bearing things believing all things.. hoping for all things...
Setting my mind upon things above is bringing transformation forged in grace not works and the difference is a solidness filling my insides... And I simply don't have the fullness of language to express what this feels like...
I see people differently.. Compassion is more readily able to come by... and it is only day 5. I really didn't anticipate this journey being one so thoroughly full of grace, I really anticipated more effort needed upon my part... This makes it feel like I am riding upon the wings of eagles and my eyes are open to a perspective I have always wanted to course through my heart and cascade into my very being.
Forgiveness... not knowing what we do .... To step into 1 Corinthians and be lifted up upon grace and fly as if upon the wings of eagles into the reality of "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
IS ASTOUNDING TO ME!!!!
To not be provoked... to not take into account a wrong suffered... HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!! Hanging on the cross, betrayed by Judas, left by his followers... watching soldiers cast lots for his clothing... He speaks out that we would be forgiven because we know not what it is that we are truly doing...
OH TO HAVE EYES TO SEE and the capacity to step and walk more and more and more and more like Christ!!!!
I wanted this time to cause me to more thoroughly be like Him.. to see as He sees, to know as He knows... to perceive as He would... To truly have the heart of the redeemed of the Lord.
Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the adversary
Psalm 107:2
So today as the prayers of Jesus filled me and the reality of the day unfolded... The Lord would begin to speak to me as I was taking a shower. He shared His heart of how He wants to redeem all from the hand of the adversary. He spoke to remember and always hold onto the reality that our warfare is NEVER against flesh and blood. For all flesh He wants to pour out His spirit upon, that His heart and His affections are for all.. for those that would bring harm, for those that would be harmed.. for the times I bring harm.. for the times I am harmed... His love and His redemption and His capacity to forgive and empower us to forgive and walk in grace and know His ways IS IMMENSE!!!
I feel as if every day I am being renewed.. and then it hits me... RENEWING OF THE MIND... TAKING ALL THOUGHTS CAPTIVE... BECOMING MORE AND MORE AND MORE LIKE HIM...
If this is day 5.... I can't imagine what day 100 is going to be... I have thrown away every road map and every idea that I thought this time was going to be... it has already surpassed my wildest dreams.
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