Friday, April 5, 2013

In this place if your truth isn't your truth than I am screwed..... All my eggs in one basket

As I was standing in my bathroom and getting ready this morning, it became one of those moments with Father....


For days I have heard Him talking about the "Davids."  To have eyes, that even Samuel, didn't have at first.  To have eyes that see when the chosen one wasn't even chosen for the "line up."  To have a heart that immediately when seeing the "line up" knows that someone, THE SOMEONE, is missing.


To be the person who isn't with the armies on the side lines, not daring to enter onto the field but staying at a safe distance.. then mocking or harassing the one who would venture forth...  To be the person like David who had cultivated the richness of life with the Lord.


Then I was in tears.  Before I even knew it.. before I could even sense where it was that He was going... He was going to touch upon places that I have been searching Him out on.


I stood in my new bathroom.  Straightening my hair for the first time in this place... listening to worship... placing my aching heart before the Lord.   How much do I long to impart that ache and sorrow and emotions and joy and excitement and turmoil is part of the journey?  A part to not push aside, a part not to barrel through, but to embrace...  To encounter... To use as avenues to become ....  To not deny but to acknowledge...  


I have written more than I care to and probably more than you desire to read about the turmoil at times that ripples through my soul... I love Charlotte... I love what God has done and is doing there... and yet there is a season approaching so very soon where residences will change.  I love where it is I am going.. I have wanted to live here for a very long time... 


Desire and reality look so very different and it has been so very good to negotiate these terrains, the lessons learned... the strength added.. The confidence in my God given... 


Trials and times of suffering and sorrow.. times liken unto Jacob wrestling things out with our God are brutal.. THEY ARE BRUTAL!!! THERE IS NO OTHER DESCRIPTION!! If anyone tells you there is ... they LIE.

Death is NEVER pleasant...  Crucifying the flesh and soulish desires NEVER fun..


Listen, I stood in my bathroom this morning with an aching heart.  Wanting so much that there aren't the words to express... And then this conversation with Abba emerged.  


I could feel myself getting pissy with Him... I could feel my soul's agitation.   There are things that hurt that while I could give expression to, in this place won't help you.. you have your own places that hurt... more than telling mine I want to give you a path for yours...


Standing in that place.. fatherless upon the earth but Fathered by the Lord of lords, abandoned upon the earth but positionally more thoroughly aware of by the Heavens..  more and more of those scenarios playing through my head...

So straightener in hand, music playing, I look in the mirror and declare my question of this season... "How... How Father... How do you Father me here?"  HOW?  

Taking the stance of Jacob... I am not leaving this place until an answer comes....  

Words pour out of my mouth as faith floods my heart.... You say.... You speak..... Your word says......  It is you that gives me the place of daughter... It is you that took away the place of orphan... It is you that took the place of abandonment away... It is you ... It is you.. and in this place if your truth isn't your truth than I am screwed ...

I have placed all my eggs in One basket.. HIS... and there is no plan B... there is no back up plan.. If He doesn't come through in this moment... if He doesn't part the Red Sea then the Egyptian armies will over take me.... If He doesn't raise the dead then the grave will hold me down... If He doesn't heal the sick then my body will perish... If He doesn't calm the waters then my soul will be ravaged... If He doesn't ... If He doesn't... THEN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN!!!

I am not being lazy...  I am just done trying to make things happen on my own... I walk and I work and I do what is before me.... And I walk and I seek and I knock.... I walk as the Israelites walked out of Egypt and I walk to the shores of the Red Sea... But when standing there or before the walls of Jericho no fancy plan or schemes of men will answer the call ...

IF HE DOESN'T then.......  But the most awe inspiring thing is ... HE DOES.... I am waiting on Him... Wait on Him... There is no easy soothing answer... Don't embrace another king.. When the KING OF KINGS wants to be your Father!


I don't have a ton of answers... I do have a solution thought... waiting and trusting and pausing and resting and repenting and seeking and knocking... and believing that His goodness is higher than the highest mountain and His faithfulness wider than any sea....

Get lost in His gaze.... Get lost in His passion... Get lost in Him ... You will find your way through... You will find your way home... Because He is the way, the truth and the life.... He is the place where you can most fully reside....

Bless you...

Don't allow a plan B to rob you from the tension of living between the Red Sea and the armies of the enemy... Just open your eyes to the glory of your God.

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