The house once again felt different.
I had stood in the driveway and watched way beyond the time that there was nothing more to see. I imagined in my head the left turn he was taking, the right turn he was taking, the next left turn he was taking and then another until he would be on the highway.
I had forced myself out of my thoughts and made myself turn around. I was grateful for being barefoot. Sounds funny? Right?!?! No, there was something in having my feet feeling the driveway and then the grass and then the walkway under them that grounded me to this place that is so new and fresh and hard and painful and full of confusion and full of sorrow and just plain full; full of change.
"Remember that moment," Mims, "Remember that moment." My friend was speaking of a moment that I had had as I faced a library upon the college campus that my son will be going to in just two weeks. Right as we were transitioning geographically with our entire family, we took our oldest to his college orientation. Overwhelmed by the amount of change that was circulating in my life beyond geographically moves and graduations and college... there wasn't an area that was looking completely different and trying to find an orientation towards life was near to next impossible.
That moment, that my friend was reminding me of, that moment was a moment where I stood in front of this amazing pond and library and grassy lawn and stood there and stood there and stood there and in a moment that had no fanfare and no emotion to it.. in one plain moment I went from feeling all the uncertainty that the season held to feeling certain that everything was going to be ok... It was going to be ok.. It was going to be ok with the transitioning a son off into his own life, it was going to be ok transitioning our whole life geographically, it was going to be ok....
Standing there upon my driveway once again nothing felt ok... nothing felt similar to anything I had walked before... and the disorientation seemed like a labyrinth that I just could not figure out...
The house just doesn't feel the same after our oldest goes... and I've wondered about that so very often. I expressed to a friend it feels like an arm has been amputated. Please hear me.. I am so thoroughly excited for my son and so excited for him being launched into this next place in his life.... He is so ready and it is amazing to watch him live in this season. I am not just saying the politically correct thing here.... It is amazing... Amazing and hard .. hard for all of us....
This morning the Father had much to say to me... on several fronts He and I had an interesting "Father/daughter" chat. He asked me if I wanted to know why the house felt different when Josh left... and my answer was, that I absolutely did want to know. And because He is who He is and loves me .. in this most tender moment.. He spoke because it simply does and paused.... I looked at Him and thought.. really?!?! really.. that's where you are going to land this thing BUT... BUT... then I realized He was just lightening up my heart and bringing in gentle humor....
When He speaks of knowing us .. He truly knows us and relationship is relationship and it is precious and beautiful... and very personal.
But then I could feel His heart and within those moments I felt like the grinch.. I felt like my heart grew and grew and grew... In that moment and in His presence I could feel the answers to prayers filling out my being.. I want to be His daughter .. above all else.. the relationship with the fact that God is my Father is something I have wanted to be able to be captivated by and He is doing it and is the most perfect of fathers. But in that moment I realized what He was saying...
The house feels different when all my children aren't in it... and when they are there is just a "rightness" about all things.... we don't even all have to be hanging out... it just feels more right when there are all 6 of them around or I know that they are going to be around... when we are together.. IT IS RIGHT..
In that moment I hope to never forget the tenderness .. the passion.. the reality of Father's heart... I hope to be branded by that which resides in the depth of Him.. I want to be utterly changed by it... In that moment I realized on the smallest scale I was experiencing what He does on the most massive of scales.. HE WANTS ALL HIS CHILDREN HOME..
He knows it feels different when they aren't all home because He is a loving Father and misses His children... and yearns for them and He knows it is better when we are all together with Him in His house...
What more is there to say... He brought amazing comfort and truth... and He.. He truly is the most incredible Father any daughter could ever want... (son too.. insert happy face)
No comments:
Post a Comment