There are places we walk that He simply says... "that." And yup that is all He needs to....

Sitting still...  holding my coffee cup and feeling the warmth that the  liquid gave off through the cardboard like material.  Playing and fingering the extra cardboard holder.  Pushing back the paper fold and running my thumb across the edge.  I could feel myself getting lost as the warmth from the cup and the anticipation of the drink filled my thoughts.


Too many directions I could venture down with this post.  Some of them would take less of a toll to write than others.  I can feel His pursuit.  So in the moments I pause and wait.  

I know He is gracious towards me.. not any more nor any less than He is with any other of His children.  But sitting here I most definitely feel the beauty of His presence.  The immense nature of His being.  I most willingly become swallowed up within it and lean into the refuge that the shadow of His wings offer.


Wishing that I would never have to leave the reality of the sweetness of this place.  Learning how to walk my life and days there.

He is my God.  I am His person.  "They will be my people and I will be their God."  Those scriptures reverberate through out my being in ways that form me out and fit me perfectly.  You were once not a people but now you are a royal priesthood, a chosen generation....

I was once not a person... I get that....  Oh how I get that... I often try to steer away from the reality that mental illness played in my life.  Not out of shame.  Sometimes out of regret.  Sometimes out of a need to have normalcy in my life. In all earnestness sometimes just to live.  I remember what those days were like, not as well as some do (ie my family and loved ones who walk alongside during those times)... but I remember the toll they took upon me and the ones I love... So dwelling there without form or purpose offers no life...

However in moments  I know it is  upon the Father's heart and  it is what He wants me to focus upon....

He and I take these walks lately...

August is never easy...

It is the month my earthly father died... Brian S. Gaylord died very unexpectedly and left too many conversations left unsaid and way too much relationaly undone.  I realized the angst that still resided within me  when upon reading a post my brother placed on Facebook in regards to him, I still shrunk back and got angry that others (whose names I didn't know) recounted Brian's brilliance and vibrancy and power.

He and I just didn't have that...  Ours was too complicated to get into here within the confines of a Blog post, this blog post.

It has taken much for the Father and I to walk together the way we do....  yes, I was desperately in need of Him and He wooed me to His side in the most magnificent of ways.  As Father He has established me upon my feet as daughter and to Him I owe everything.  Everything.

Safety.

Kindness.

Generosity of spirit.

Tenderness

He has granted unto me life and in calling me His own He transformed all
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As I have written, in the past, these times of transition have taken their toll and the years of transition and family sickness and change have brought with them much disorientation.

Except in these more recent of days I see how He truly leads along still waters and restores souls.  Within such a time I could feel something upon His majestic heart.  I knew He wanted to broach a subject that He knew I wouldn't want to and He was being quite tender with my heart.

So it was I that finally looked up and said, "What?"  To which His smile melted the core of my being, but how could it not.

"That." Was the only response verbally... But only if I could craft words in such a way that could paint for you the picture of the interaction that transpired  between  a daughter and her God. Between me and Him. A girl and her Dad.  In the moments that elapsed  a solid tenderness saturated the air.  Affection infiltrated the fabric of my being.  Between He and I there was no space, time stood still, and in one word the volumes He spoke landed with a depth and breath of Him and His love that all I am was quieted.


I was not a person.  I wasn't.  I could with ease express to you what it felt like to be trapped within mental anguish and the horrors of sorrow and confusion and lack that come from mental illness.

I did not know safety.

I did not feel safe.

I did not know sanity.

I did not feel sane.

I did not know clarity.

I lived with a fog and a cloud so dense that light did not penetrate for the longest time.

But more than anything I didn't know love.  I didn't know what sitting in someone's shadow and feeling comfort felt like.  Or at least I could not contain it ... as anything deposited quickly flowed right through.  My mind and heart had been beaten down and the sentence had been passed down with the glee of hell, that this pile of dry bones would never walk again.

I do shrink back from remembering at times because those times are full of pain.  However it is those times that I stand upon now.  It is in remembrance that I recall to mind the grandest of hope that God gives.  His mercies are truly new every morning and His faithfulness is great.

He healed me and set me upon my feet and straightened crooked paths for a purpose..... one of which is the scriptural mandate to comfort others with the comfort one receives.....  In walking along side those who still struggle and in being a voice to those who walk along side a purpose of my life comes forward.

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So my youngest daughter crawled into my lap yesterday ... In a moment all felt right.  To love upon her, to hold her and keep her safe.. to speak life and affirmation into her being and to express how utterly loved and cherished she is.....

As I am to her.. He is to me...

From the need of a Father... to the need of wholeness and safety.... to the fact that He leads and restores and brings forth a quietness and gentleness and might within....

In His presence there is fullness of Joy....  in the world we have trials and tribulations and heart ache but in His presence.. in the fullness of His embrace.. in the majesty of His love we find love and peace and strength and hope.... In Him there is life....  and beauty and wonder

There are places we walk that he simply says, "that."  And when I look up at Him with eyes and a heart full of doubt to catch Him already looking back at me with a compassion that knows no end I know that  "that" is where I will go.... But with Him always with Him... we walk the "that" of life together ... forever... For He will be their God and they will be His people... He wants nothing more than to sit with us as I sat with Elizabeth yesterday upon the driveway.