It was precious....
Gosh do I love the Father.... I get that He is the Almighty. I do.. And in all reverence I bow before Him. But as I bow I lift my head and catch His eye and smile the smile of a daughter... A daughter in love with the King. Who happens to her Father......
It is amazing to me... I think at times I am making this up ... imagination over load.. but then time after time He calls... Time after time He beckons... And I enter His presence and somewhere within the interaction, even when it is hard and painful.. somewhere.. at some point .. He so gently ushers me into His presence.. so gently ushers me into His understanding... so gently guides me to the depths.. that I end up with this smile on my face.... This feeling that so penetrates all that I am that the adjoining gleam in my eye and smile upon my lips feels like the utter most holy of moments....
I am so in desperate need of Him... and He comes.... I reach out and before me He pulls out all the stops... pulls me into His affections and brings a reality of comfort to my soul that nothing else touches...
Tonight as I was resting He came into the room.. What does that mean? Do I leave too many questions when I make a statement like that? What do I mean when I write He came into the room?
I mean just that...
I can tell the difference between when Elizabeth is in the room and when Caspian is in the room... I can tell the difference when my friend is in the room versus my husband.. I can tell the difference... can't you?
So He, the Father, came into the room.. Why? Why, wouldn't He?
I am His daughter....
The days that go by that I don't spend time with my sons and daughters leave a dull ache within the core of my being.. if I, being human, have that reality, how much more does the Father long to be with those that He loves?
So of course He comes into the room where I am.... He loves to come into the room where I am and my goodness.. oh how I welcome Him in.... When He fills out the room with His presence there is nothing better... nothing richer.. nothing firmer... when He brings His presence into time and space all feels so solidly right... And I just soak in His affections.. In His presence.. in the reality that goes before Him and surrounds Him.. There is nothing like it...
I have been sad.
I have been really sad.
I think at times the reality of the seasons I have walked through have been suffocating and I think I wanted to enter into a place of rest in the natural, within the world. I wanted... I needed rest...
Not as those in religious circles would possibly define it but as it truly exists... I needed the reality of security and love... I needed the reality of certainty and belonging... I needed the assurance of love...
Tonight as I rested in the arms of the Father.. as I listened to His voice.. I heard the most magnificent sounds of Heaven and the reality of His love saturated every pore of my being...
It was the quintessential Father/daughter conversation...
When we were done talking He asked one thing of me... "Will you share our conversation?"
I looked at Him.. paused and sat there and looked at Him again.... He didn't have to ask please.. as I recounted the hours of our conversation I knew that which He wanted me to share... and so this is what I said to our Father as He entered my room and granted me the blessing of His presence...
I'm tired Father..
I'm really tired and I'm really sad.. I need you to hear me.. I need to say that to You.. I need to know that it matters to you.. my flesh grows weary and but these moments with you.. but these times I think I would be lost... I need you.... My eyes hurt at times from seeing.. my heart aches more times than naught from knowings.. I feel inept and broken... My own insecurities and fears plague me and this journey with you into and through all these fears is both exhilarating and exhausting... You matter more to me than my very own breath.. your requests.. your desires.. your affections... when you make them known to me.. when you draw my attentions to them and I become ever aware... they fill me out .. they matter to me.. they course through my being and I realize that as your daughter.. as yours upon the earth.. That is my journey.. To know your desires and to walk them out as I know how to and to watch you and be led of you... But Father... I feel the weights of the atmosphere of men and women and ache... and exhaustion .. exhaustion is so in the environment that it is debilitating at times... But your instruction.. But your truth... but your revelation I would cower under the reality of the way the world looks through my eyes... So grateful when you give me your eyes to see through.. But that I couldn't do it.. But you holding my hand and walking before me and granting me the assurances of your love I would falter... Keep my feet from faltering, Father.. I know but You I would......
Father... I must say how grateful I am for how you bring balance... with the way you fill my heart with glee over hearing Gregory's foot steps or Elizabeth's voice, seeing Joshua's face or Caspian's smile... I love how you counter balance the sorrow of the air with the delight that comes from knowing my Gideon and the absolute joy these children are to my being.... I have been blessed by your instruction to delight in the small things... to embrace life in the reality of love and live there...
Father... I wouldn't ask that you would have wired me differently.. but I feel so out of place... I feel so in need of the reality of Heaven to surround me and I am so very grateful for these moments when you draw near.... For those moments when the world feels like the unseen reality and Heaven and where you dwell feels ever more real than anything solidly upon the earth...
..............................................................................................
I spoke and then took time to just be silent.. to lean into Him.. to listen to His heart... to absorb His love...
He is in all and He is all.. He is that He is that He is....
He began to take His leave and my heart wasn't ready for the depth of presence to leave...
Remembrances of that which He spoke swirled into the air and landed with a weight... His thoughts.. His opinions .. the way He recognizes things.... A calm.. a peace... The reality of His presence..
He touched the bottom of my left foot as He left.. He touched the bottom of my left foot and held it.. and looked up at me and smiled... As He smiled He spoke the three most important words of the whole evening... "I love you." He said... He smiled.. and I smiled back ...
Then the air in the room returned to normal and the presence that had just transformed the room abated... but what was left was a calm.. a sincerity of affection
A remembrance of intimate moments with the Father... Joy and peace and strength....
Never does He ever leave.. Never does He ever forsake.. In our pursuit of Him we learn diligence... Besides telling me He loves me that was the last statement He spoke.. "In your pursuit of Me you learn diligence.." Something to ponder upon... something to let ruminate within my being...
Here is the definition of Diligence... careful and persistent work or effort.
I will carefully and persistently with all effort pursue His heart... Join with me.....
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