Really a part of me wants to tell you not to read this.. sincerely... part of me thinks this is just one of those things that I should write and put away and not publish and just leave it as one of those things that you write to get something off your chest but leave it alone and leave it private...
Except I'm not sure I am going to do that.. I'm not sure I am going to leave this alone.. I'm not going to leave this private...
You know why.. there is this weird wrong supposition out there that the man and the gifts of God are the same thing.. and they aren't.... there are the gifts of God upon the life of a man and a woman and then there IS the man or the woman....
I just recently told someone... that what they had just said to me wasn't helpful.. that it wasn't helpful because we weren't what they thought we were.... we are and will always just be people.. people trying to find our way.. people just living life.. people who hurt, who struggle.. who are walking life like any other person...
A person in ministry isn't exempt from life.. or the trials and tribulations... a person in prophetic type ministry DOES NOT live 24/7 in dreams and trances and caught up into the 3rd heaven... If I am bursting your bubble.. shame on you for having that bubble... PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE regardless of occupation, title or anointing that flows upon their lives... People are people
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Tonight I am reminded of the ugly side of things... The image side of things... the sick side of things.. the lonely side of things....performance and image and stupidity...... tonight I am reminded of the reality of the religious ministry world and its games and I'm tired. Remembrances such as these steal my heart and exhaust my soul....
I pulled off the side of the road.
I needed to catch my breath.
Tears were streaming down my face.
Frustration was filling my soul.
And then the pictures of the past.. the picture of the day when at a conference after an incredible session I walked down a hallway towards the speakers lounge only to see the speaker/leader standing leaning against the wall (where he thought no one was seeing him) and I watched as his forehead touched the wall and he leaned into it and hit it with both fists and started to cry.
I was young in ministry. The one, so much my elder, knew I didn't have it in me to understand. I didn't. Ministry was still so fresh. So exhilarating, the reality and understanding were far from me.. I was still able to be naive.
I get that stance now.
I understand what he spoke to me in those moments... "I'm alone in a crowd of 1000, I'm alone." I didn't get it back then. He knew that I didn't get it... I know now he just wanted someone to get it..... I wish I had back then.. I truly wish I had...
I wish I had known to sit with him... to sit with him and just let him be a man... not a ministry... not one who flowed in the anointing but just a man who needed a friend... who needed to feel normal..Who needed to not feel so alone in a crowd of 1000...
More recently... I sat next to a man... such similar moments but now over two decades in ministry have filled out my life... I knew I was to speak to him... that he was cared for in the place I was sitting in not because he was who he was but because he just was.... He wouldn't let himself fully get that...
He had been name dropping left and right .. (one of my foremost pet peeves.. the attempted legitimization of a ministry and a life based on who you know and who is in your rolodex I'm just not up for ministry games any more.. not that I ever was but probably the least so now than ever.) He had preached and ministered and yet privately acted with entitlement and impatience...
Reminded of how my one friend's most fervent heart longing is to have the speakers and ministers be who they reflect themselves to be publicly, privately as well.. oh that pretense and performance would be called up for what it is....
Then I was reminded of this other time.. this time that all should have been amazing.. except it wasn't... and then it really wasn't ... and a beautiful young couple became corpses on the battlefield of ministry....
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Everything should have been amazing...
The conference was going better than anyone could have ever dreamed.. or did even think it would....
But on the floor in the executive hospitality suite there was a couple being interviewed for a position and the outer hospitality suite was a buzz with the news. Except something in my gut said it was wrong. My gut wasn't the only one that was feeling that either.... The air was suffocating and my heart felt sad.
But there was a public rebuke about a week or so later concerning the supposed wrong discernment and I remember those that had felt what we had felt the week before repented for having been wrong.
Except we weren't wrong.. at least knowing what ended up happening to that precious couple on the mine fields of ministry, I can't believe that we were wrong or that it was the heart of the Lord for that couple to end up divorced...
But we see it all the time................. sadly, the ugly side of ministry... both upon those that serve and those that lead... The weights.. the pressure.. the isolation.. the loneliness.. the interior battle that no one really cares to see or know about as long as the person/leader performs that which is expected of him/her and you/the people get what you wanted from them... the great teaching.. the amazing prayer.. the awesome time of worship.. etc etc etc...
Behind all of that... behind the teacher, worship leader, anointed man or woman of the hour stands a man or woman... stands one just trying to live their life and walk it out with the Lord....
Oh God for the sake of all things beautiful that we would truly learn to love one another and walk along side one another and see each other with the eyes of the Lord and understand that the reality of being human is the reality of being human.. from the prince to the pauper... the reality of being human is the reality of being human....
4 comments:
Thank You! I appreciate your honesty and integrity, but most of all I appreciate the depth of genuineness, as you shared your heart! This has helped me beyond what you may know! My heart was deeply touched and moved with compassion! I sooo love that God knows us so well and loves us, so very much! Thanks for being real! At times, I have wanted to give up and just go live with Jesus, by myself, but I can't, His love won't let me....when He allows me to see what He see's, in the sea of humanity....in me and them....how very much He loves us, I must, say yes....I can not hold back... I love Him!
You could have been writing about my situation (the couple) except that my spouse and I managed to forsake the ministry and cling to our first two callings: loving God and loving each other. The ministry...God will make another way. We were ground to a bloody pulp by the ministry machine and the body of Christ. Blessings and Peace.
This is so very beautiful ~ Thank you for sharing. Ministry can be a trecherous road paved without love and so many offended and hurting one another. We need to look at each other with eyes of love and have softer hearts....
Very touching and I needed to read this today. It brought some understanding...
Thank you. So very true and encouraging in the broken spots. He is a God of restoration. And I am resting in that promise today.
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