So until about a week ago I would have said I was pretty self disclosing. I would have said I live a transparent life. I would have said I was vulnerable. I would have been wrong. To retell part of the story, there are moments all the Lord will say to me right now is, "that." It's like a pointing of fingers. It is like a, "you know what I mean are you going to do it? Say it? But acknowledge that this is "that" and it is what I want."
Until those moments started happening I would have said I was all those things as I described. Now, well.. folks.. now I would say, I self - protect with the best of them! I only really tell you what I want to tell you. With those things I am vulnerable and transparent. Some would say I am more than most. I would say that they were wrong. Well, maybe more than most... But not transparent. A fraud, more like it... a fraud because I say I am vulnerable and transparent but have kept an arms length distance between you and me... between the Lord and my heart... between places that I would rather Him just leave alone...
I have gotten to the place I can answer any question about my past, about the abuse, about the mental illness, about being healed.... there really isn't anything I couldn't tell you and there really hasn't been many topics that have been off limits...
But your responses to these last few blogs have had me realizing a whole lot.... My response to writing these last few blog posts, stepping into honesty, as had me cringing and waiting and dreading coming to the laptop and keyboard that I so very much love.....
Except I can feel it... I can the surge in the things that you say... in the ways your willing to communicate and share....
I am thinking of John the Baptist alot these days..... people came out because they were tired of the same old thing.... and here was this crazy guy preaching in the wilderness... He didn't go to them... he didn't have an amazing website... he didn't know how to market.. there wasn't twitter or email or Facebook.... He was preaching in the wilderness and the people came....
There is exhaustion in the spirit... There is weariness... there is exhaustion.... Even where the" seeker sensitive" .. "promise the best side of the gospel"... "win it all.". "you're winning it" type churches are growing.. are the people? Are the people? When they are behind closed doors and sitting on their beds.. what are their hearts saying? What are their minds saying? Have the current religious order of the day put such millstones around the necks of the people that they are suffocating?
Listen I'm not preaching there isn't a hell, and I'm not saying there isn't sin.. there is a hell, there is sin, there is a right and there is a wrong and there aren't all equal paths or good works.... And I'm not preaching that if you turn to Christ all is going to go amazing with you and you are going to have all the answers and you are going to be the best you that you could ever be...
NO!!! NOT AT ALL...
I'm preaching that you are going to die...
You are going to be crucified with Christ...
I am preaching that you are going to be standing in a garden saying, "not my will but yours be done." And you are going to be praying alone. The agony of which is going to rivet your entire being and it will be more than you think you could ever endure...
I am saying there is a cross for you to pick up and carry...
There is a death to be had...
There is a laying down of all rights...
There are no promises of prosperity...
I preach a gospel where the world goes topsy turvy and the first shall be last and the poor shall be rich and the weak are the strong and the meek inherit the earth.. I preach a gospel that says that you are loved beyond your wildest fascinations... beyond your wildest imaginations... I preach a gospel that says you were thought about and loved and adored before the foundations of the earth were laid... I preach a gospel that doesn't condemn you but that died for.. I preach a gospel that reverberates with a peace so large and so firm that nothing can shake it and that nothing can defy it and that it passes all understanding... I preach a gospel that says you are passionately and unequivocally loved by the very one who created all things...
I preach gospel that tells you what you really, in the depths of you need to hear... I preach a gospel that says no matter what happens it is well with your soul.... I preach a gospel that doesn't satisfy like a smoke show, media enriched presentation.. but I preach a gospel of the Nazarene, who was born in a manger, sought after to be killed, lived as a man.. died as God and rose again and lives forever more having ascended back into Heaven....
He intercedes for us.. He stands with us... He is passionate for us....
Whenever you think you have realized how good and amazing the Lord is... all I can say is just wait.. He will continue to blow your mind...
His goodness is better than anything this world has to offer... I serve a God who does say, "no." Who does bring discipline.. who in His kindness calls people to repentance but not a religious version of kindness... not platitudes... But a kindness that is thorough, and beautiful and strong.. A kindness you can rest in and upon and get set back up upon your feet... Mercy and justice kiss and grace and righteous swirl and our God... the one true God is amazing...
He is hope to the hopeless
He is strength to the stranger
He is Father.. redeemer, friend......
Yes ... just when you think you have a picture of how utterly crazy incredible He is.. He paints a brand new picture and smiles and pours out His affections.....
He doesn't entertain He entralls
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