Not having the luxury......

I awoke feeling like I had spent the night situated under the shadow of the Lord.  I awoke and the words that flowed immediately out of my heart were those of thanksgiving.  His presence had deeply rocked me as I slept and I awoke with the reality of what His tenderness and lovingkindness do for the soul.

I stretched... Pulled the covers back around me and laid my head back onto the pillow only to realize it wasn't going to happen...  There was something upon His heart for the early morning hours and so laying there I began to listen.

A song filled the atmosphere.  It definitely filled my heart and I watched as my Lord triumphed once again ... taking immense care of my heart, the, "that" spoken of in another blog post struck the moment again and I knew what it was this hour was going to contain.

.........................................................................................................

By the time I was willing to share about my journey with mental illness it was in the past.  By the time I was willing to talk about what it felt like to have my mind and heart bogged down with weights and confusion and sorrow and the torment of mental anguish,  there had been quiet and healing.  Immense healing had arrived and been lived in... I had felt what it felt like to have a conscience, I had learned what it was like to feel remorse... a fractured heart had had parts and pieces called back together and I was standing in places that not many thought I ever would.

It took years to begin to talk about my life as it was when I was mentally ill.  It took years to be able to effortlessly speak about when my mind had been broken and my life and heart as well.  I had been saved for a long time... but it was encountering the Father as a safe place and under the safe network of some very dear friends that I would begin to share my story.

..................................................................................................................


Today....  resting in the shelter of the Most High, I awoke to the reality that I wasn't being given the luxury of that time to wait.  It was no longer the past and something He had done that He wanted me to write about... It was now something He WAS doing.. Something He was CURRENTLY doing and His affection was birthing courage.

I had come home the other day and the emotion of the times was weighty upon my heart.  I had just had a magnificent conversation with a dear old friend whose wisdom and life I have, through out the years treasured.  I had allowed a release of emotion that had needed to be released within our conversation. It had been  her kind and understanding words that had permeated my soul.  Her kindness had released within me a sense of being known.  In her understanding as a mom, a friend, a woman who has been in ministry for a very long time I found life.

I have known this family since our oldest was 18 months and her knowledge of me and my heart and my life and my history blended together and so as she spoke and as her words cascaded across my soul they brought the balm so desperately needed.

...............................................................................................................

The last couple of days have been an interesting blending of emotions, experiences and history.  Yesterday I took time in the afternoon and laid my heart before the Lord.  He kept pointing to this one conversation that I spoke of in yesterday's blog post.

It was a calling to remembrance of walking without fear.  It was a call to remember and taste truth, trust, authenticity......  There had been life for me in those moments and life soared in again....

By the time I spoke about being healed of mental illness and the journey of learning to live beyond the days that were plagued with that journey,  the courage needed wasn't a huge amount.  I felt surrounded by support and it felt right.  It isn't that this, season of sharing, doesn't feel right but I don't feel as ready....  Except this morning the Lord, who I adore and cherish and love as Father, asked me to consider what does it look like to not give yourself the luxury of silence...  I love Him... He has loved me well.  That was all He needed to say..............

So here goes............................

In this season..................................................

I come home and turn on Ally McBeal on Netflix because I want to tune out.  Because instead of stepping into intercession and allowing the weights that are upon my heart to be processed with the Lord I would rather go to entertainment and a dulling numbness.  WHY?

FEAR.....

Yes, this is 100 days of honesty... and 100 days of looking at the giant of fear upon the field that is defying the army of the Living God and saying, "NO MORE!"

I am afraid that it won't matter if my heart cares about something.

I am afraid that nothing will change.

I am afraid that I can believe in the Kingdom of God and my Father and still not truly see its affects upon the earth.

I am afraid that nothing done really matters and that it is only a dream that God actually intervenes on a larger scale and changes things and makes things right...

I am afraid that my faith won't cut it...

I am afraid that I will only continue to see ugliness in ministry and what is the point...

I am afraid that the passion and zeal and desire that I feel for the Kingdom, and my God and His people will get washed away again in pain and regret.... I am afraid of restepping onto a battle field where I have watched so many perish, burn up, dry up and die....

I am afraid of the realities of the world and the condition of the Body and Bride of Christ...

I am afraid that it costs too much care.....  That is the nuts and bolts of it really... I am afraid that it costs too much to care

.....................................................................

That is what it comes down to.. really, I am afraid that it costs to much to care..... that caring will kill me and the temptation to shut down or live partially aware or to just drown out the fact that I do care with peanut M&Ms and Netflix will consume me....

I am afraid that by caring about God and what is upon His heart I will only meet death time and time again.. I will only meet disappointment time and time again.... I will only meet frustration...

I am afraid....

SO WHAT HAPPENS NEXT......

Part of it I don't know the answer... Remember what I said... this isn't yet a testimony .. it is a step... BUT

this I do know:

This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:21

I awoke this morning basking in the lovingkindness of the Lord and what was called to mind was that His perfect love casts out fear.  

Yesterday as I drove home from my time with the Lord I thought of David ... a boy.. a field... a giant... an army... a king.....  I thought of David and how he stepped onto a field and with His affections towards God, David flung a stone and won a victory....

So what happens next...

Another step...

Another prayer....

Another conversation...

Another fight....

Perfect love is resounding in the atmosphere... It is penetrating the hardest of places ... this isn't about my life per se... It is what He is doing... He perfectly loves... He sees a world blanketed in fear and uncertainity and what does He do.. HE LOVES... What have I done?  Come home and watched Ally McBeal... Sometimes, YES.  

BUT THIS I HAVE CALLED TO MIND AND THEREFORE I HAVE HOPE!!!!!

His lovingkindnesses wash fear away..... and His mercies endure and endure....  

He triumphs... He begins good works to bring them to completion...

Engaging in the battle is truly the only way I really know how to live... so onto the battlefield I walk again...  facing that giant of old, that beast known as fear...  because fear can not defy the armies of the living God...  and I am being perfectly loved......