I see the giant roaring out to the armies of the living God.
I see the armies standing their ground cowering before this unholy giant.
I see a king who won't lead his people. I see a people who won't step up and step in and step out.
I see a boy upon a field with a stone.
And the Lord sees me and says which one are you?
Which one are you?
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So my sweet sweet sweet... Did I say the word my? Did I say the word sweet?
Oh to meet Gregory is to meet purity of sweetness. To meet our almost 7 year old son is to meet delicate wonderment. He is so enthralling to me. I could watch his expressions and his kindness and listen to him talk forever. Oh how I love this child.
Today we were at Chick Fil A and he exited in front of me. As I walked out something about him caught my eye, I turned and I looked at him and I saw the presence of the Lord all over him. Then the Father began to speak and it was all I could do to stand. "I love you like that." He said.
You see in the moment that I had beheld Gregory it was liquid love. I saw into my son. I saw his life. I saw him and I fell in love, in deep deep love. Oh, I fell in love when we heard his heart beat for the first time or when we saw the sonogram picture.. but this afternoon.. it was all consuming... LOVE!
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I got pregnant with Gregory after we had our first miscarriage and lost our daughter.
Then towards the end of our pregnancy with him I would feel the spirit of death coming against my womb. I remember the day I pleaded with God. "Please, not again.. not him.. not now.. I couldn't handle death again."
I would go into labor only a couple days after that prayer. The umbilical cord had been knotted twice and he was tiny. BUT he was alive.
Each of our children are magnificent in my eyes. Each of our children and their birth stories are so very unique to each. With Gregory, he was the one I felt Heaven roaring over. The presence of Heaven upon him for the first 72 hours of his life was amazing... As the hours rolled away and the days passed I felt that presence ebb away but I have never forgotten it. And actually instead of ebbing away I actually thing it soaked right in...
To be around Gregory when he is truly being Gregory is to interact with lovingkindness in a way that is deep and real and profound. He says things that are too sweet and too kind and too beyond an almost 7 year old. He is so intuitive and so brilliant and so kind. Did I say this kid is kind?
Today.. today at Chick Fil A.... as Greg held open the door and I peered into his deep, beautiful eyes.. I saw love... I heard God say, "I love you like that." And I heard the Lord's heart beat. And He continued to speak... He continued to tell me that I have tasted and seen of His love. He continued to speak of the reality of His love, His passion, His desire... I could see Jesus standing over Jerusalem. I could see the Father enraptured by His creation. I could see His love. I could feel its reality. I could feel His desire for the people....
Jesus DID NOT come into the world to CONDEMN the world... He didn't... He isn't standing condemning you... His passion and His kindness is holding open a door for you... and He is calling you to look into Him and see His affections for you and to realize the great love that the Creator of all things has for you....
YOU!!!
Oh the thoughts I have towards Gregory.... oh the thoughts.... I am reminded of Psalm 139.. For God knows the thoughts He has towards us and they are amazing and wonderful and full and could not ever really be counted.. they are liken unto the particles of sand at the shore... Those are the thoughts God has towards us...
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One thing I wonder if you are wondering at this point is what about this blog post is hard to write... well, you haven't gotten to it yet... It didn't take anything to write about how much I love my son... It will take everything to finish this piece up and close it out the way that I know the Lord wants me to....
As I wrote the words that I prayed in regards to the last day I was pregnant with Gregory I know that is what today and the encounter at Chick Fil A was all about...
"Please, not again.. not him.. not now.. I couldn't handle death again."
That is life right now....
That is life right now.....................................................
I have walked and blogged and processed a season that has known no end. And these last days... well, these last days have packed their punches.... A reality is that this journey into honesty has been public with you, private between God and myself and intimate with a few friends... I don't ever think I have ever had more earnest and unguarded conversations as I have in these days...
It is as if this season has become an all out assault on fear and the Lord is transacting all things into my life as to have me look at as many, "thats," as only He can.....
I have been more honest with the Lord, with myself and with people in the last few days, couple of weeks than I think I have been in a life time... And while at this moment I feel exhausted and at this moment there are places in my heart that could not fathom another loss, another transition, another massive life change... while at this moment the cry of my heart when I felt death encircling was a plea saying NOT AGAIN... I can't handle anymore loss... at this moment all that that means for me in regards to relationship and ministry and life is encapsulated by the remembrance of a boy, as he held open the door at Chick Fil A, today and as the love of God shown forth, and as the word of the Lord's heart rang true.... "I love you like that.."
Oh Death where is your victory .. oh grave where is thy sting.... death to vision.. death in relationships.. death of ministries and dreams and potential all give way under the amazing resurrection of Christ... "I love you like that.. " He says... "I love you like that.." As He points to my son and to His Son... the only words to cling to are... "I love you like that..." When fear wants to roar in like the waves of the ocean and scream there will only be more loss, there will only be more failure, there will only be more broken vision and sorrow... when the world wants to rise up and show how very true it is that tribulations and trials are its nature... That which is higher and fuller and truer stands firm... "I love you like that..." "I love you..."
Perfect love is casting out fear and giants are being slain........................................
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