I felt off even before the meeting started..
My thoughts weren't clear.. what was once a clear idea of where to go had vanished and yet I knew not to cancel ...
I could tell from the moment I started speaking that again I was off... But trying to catch the heart beat for the people and for what God was saying .. trying to gather my thoughts and what I had prepared I kept walking...
Ugh....
Losing track of a thought here or a thought there... thinking through exactly where it was I wanted to go.. where it was that I believed God wanted me to go.. but not feeling like I was getting anywhere close...
Ending the meeting and sitting there.. having numerous times wanting to just end it .. to just say this isn't working this morning.. let's just pray and be together but feeling pushed to persevere..
I sat there afterwards and felt tweaked.. beyond tweaked... Doubt soaring high.. maybe I shouldn't be doing this.. maybe I shouldn't be speaking anymore... this season has definitely taken its toll upon my confidence and maybe I just need to sit down and be benched for a while... Discouragement and doubt continued to soar....
In those moments my heart faltered all over the place...
Until..... Until I read something a friend posted and it was as if Father was reminding me where it was that I want to head... I say "want to head" because in all honesty I feel more directless than I have in a very long time... without direction.. and without hope that anything I put my hand to is going to actually work....
But then with the remembrance came strength and a tad bit of courage.. not too much.. not the kind that has one walking into the furnace or lion's den.. maybe the kind that has Gideon willing to lay a fleece.... nothing more
You see I keep remembering my roots... I keep remembering my days in the Vineyard... I keep remembering John Wimber.... I keep remembering his pursuit to see healing break forth.. and how he prayed and saw nothing... I keep remembering how all I truly desire is the presence... the presence of the Lord... I know if a people will be saturated with His presence there is nothing that that people can't do... And I'm talking about His transforming culture type presence... From biblical testimonies of the nation of Israel being led and provided for to the testimonies out of Guatemala and the produce and the stories in the Transformation testimonies...
That's where I am headed... I think.. Let me put it this way.. that is what I am willing to believe for for all of my days regardless of what I see or don't see... I believe in a God that transforms people with His presence... I believe in the reality that when the presence of God is with a people the people learn what it is like to walk in His ways...
Some are passionate about 24/7 prayer... some are passionate about church planting.. some are passionate about a whole lot of things... John Wimber used to tell church planters that if the confession of their heart isn't, "If I don't church plant I will die." DON'T DO IT... Don't do it unless you would die for it.. because you will die for it.... Well... I don't even know what "this" that I am feeling is or what exactly "it" is that I desire.. but I know that I would pursue and die for the reality of the presence of God .. of Father to be made manifest upon a community and a people..
My husband loves the stories of Billy Sunday and that before his train even pulled into the station people were getting saved and the presence of the Lord was impacting a community....
In this season I am not reading testimonies of the great revivalists...I have in the past but in this season.. in this season mine is to admit I have not a clue of where it is that I am walking.. I have not a clue of what it is that the Lord is doing... I have not a clue of what it will look like and I have not a clue of anything but this idea that rests upon my heart...
Fathers and Mothers not 10,000
Authority of Jesus and not being liken unto the scribes.. like when the people said that Jesus wasn't like their scribes that He spoke as one who had authority.....
Jesus not speaking on His own initiative
Jesus only doing that which He saw the Father doing
But then it all came full circle... it will never be about how good or bad a message I speak is... I remember the stories of men and women who walked in this way of presence just reading from their notes in a monotone voice and the presence of God saturating the room, I remember the stories of the horrible messages, the horrible presentations.. etc etc etc...... I remember it is not by words .. it will never be because of words.... it will always be because of Him...
So still not sure about that sitting on the bench thing.. and don't know if this is a rut or a one time experience... don't know much really these days at all.. Except I know in who it is that I have believed in and I stand convinced that it is only in Him and through Him and with Him that anything that really matters will take place... And I will walk a day, a month, a year... 10 years ... a lifetime... praying and believing that His authority will be made manifest within the communities and hearts of people.... trying to be a mother and not just another one in the voices of 10,000 .. please God not speaking on my own initiative and with all my heart longing to only do that which I see Him doing....
Getting back to the basics of walking this thing out... getting scraped knees along the way.... but hungering for Him and longing for Him and wanting Him more than I want anything else....
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