August is messing with me more than it has in years....
The closer it gets to the ending of this month the more moments throughout the day and into the night fill my mind and heart with the complicated realities I lived being the daughter of my father.... He will have passed away 17 years ago as of August 31st.
From dreams with him in them to moments with the Lord pointing out the places where my own judgement of him and unforgiveness has poisoned my own soul.
This morning, this morning ... well, I hope this morning is the pinnacle of all these experiences because at this moment if there is more ... well, let me put it this way.. at this moment if there is more it would seem like it would be more than what I (in this moment) believe that I would want to handle... if anything these years have taught me, it is I can handle far more in grace and the passion of the Lord then I would have ever thought... That's His majesty.. that's His nature.. that's Him beginning and bringing to completion.. Because I know myself and in knowing this about myself I know that without Him I would most thoroughly be toast.
But this morning as I was processing all that was happening within my heart, the presence of God was full within the room. Again the "that," was what He was pointing at... it was all He would say....
In only saying one word He is pointing out to me that I know....I know what it is He wants...
Ever know deep in your heart something like that? Ever know that you know but you'll be darned if you'll tell anyone.... Ever escape into self protective modes, whether with shopping, entertainment, food etc .... to deny the things if you would just turn around and face them there would be life and not death and dullness... Oh no I am sure in this I stand alone... (Insert smiley face)
So His, "That," is Him pointing out to me that I know in these places what it is He desires... and I can choose to face the most real issues or I can push them away out of fear and indulge myself and my flesh.... I can choose to live.. or I can choose to die... Either way there is a choice...
Ever realize that the issue will keep being in your face until the core.. the root of it is dealt with....
Well... a bunch of those type things are hitting and I would love to escape to a tropical island.. but instead I AM turning around....
The lies.... the things that have been allowed to be ingrained into the fears of my heart due to programming of the heart from life, abuse, ministry... etc....
I once had this dream.. I will share the whole thing in a blog post soon..... but in the dream a leader I once served under spoke to me and at the end of the dream said, "Mims, you are not an inconvience." That dream was over 11 years ago and I remember it as if it was yesterday.... I will write more about that dream soon.
Second.. I was the one that didn't fit.... didn't really fit at the Christian college I went to because having been saved by a visitation I knew nothing about "Christian culture," (I will write more about that as well..) but from not realizing that there were people who didn't believe Jesus still spoke and acted and moved upon the world today to not understanding that "praying" (I thought I didn't know how to) was actually what I was doing with the Lord as He and I took daily walks together...
There is a whole list of places I could write about not "fitting," but this morning the Lord was pointing at the reality of my heart, the reality of His heart and where it was He wanted me to walk...
Pointing to His own heart, He spoke more then the word, "that," ...... pointing to His own heart... He said, "You fit." "You fit here, you always have.. you always will.. you fit." In those moments more was happening within me than I know how to put into words...
There are many things in this, "season of honesty," that I know the Lord is arising upon.... I know that He wants me to forgive my father on levels I have never touched.. I know that He wants me to repent for the judgments I have against the man, I know that He wants to heal my heart in relationship to the reality that I felt like I never fit in.. not in my family and not in the communities of faith that I walked within, I know that He wants me to know that I am not an inconvenience and to stop shrinking back...
So I'm eating less peanut M&Ms and I'm watching less Netflix...... and I am sitting with Him in these moments and weeping....
His love is truly magnificent... His ways truly more full of life... His heart beat so thoroughly for His sons and daughters... He is better than anyone of us could ever imagine or conjure up.... He is that He is that He is and He is love... A love so full and so fierce and so vibrant and so clean and so pure and so beautiful... He is ....
In the early days of being in New Hampshire with Streams and the people there.. what would become the Fire Side Chats were just staff meetings.... In one of those meetings in the garage office at John Paul's house, JP turned to Jim and started to speak to him about how was Jim feeling about all that the Lord was activating in Jim's life. The prophetic had been turned up to a whole new level and the details and accuracy Jim was walking in was astounding. So Jim spoke for a bit and then I was asked how I felt about it all?
My answer was this...
I have felt like an ugly duckling all my life... I could look around and see all the places I didn't fit. I expressed that in finding that place I had realized that I wasn't an ugly duckling but just another type of bird all together.. and that I wasn't meant to fit with the ducks...
The truth is I don't fit because at one point and time I was part of a prophetic community that was wired more like the way I was wired... and the reality is I don't fit nor would ever fit because I could be the perfect daughter, the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect friend, the perfect co-worker, the perfect church attender.. etc etc... the truth is I don't fit.... we don't fit in this world.... the truth is I perfectly fit in my Father's heart... that the puzzle piece that is my life fits perfectly within the all encompassing reality of God.
In Him there is life.. not in a ministry, not in a community, not in a job, not in a family, not in a role or task or function.... In Him.....
I don't walk there fully and my heart aches still from the bumps of the past and the present and I am sure it will be bumped again, such is the nature of things....
But in the quiet of the moment.. in the solidness of the times spent.. in the reality of the One whom I worship.. in Him I fit and He makes crooked paths straight...
Oh God help our eyes to be upon you and help our hearts to be fully fitted into you
I would be the one the didn't fit... I would be the one who ached to belong... I would be the one that will more fully continually discover how much my hunger to belong and to fit is overwhelmed by the reality of His capacity to draw me in and up..... Be drawn up and in today...
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