So what are you going to write about today?

"So what are you going to write about today?"

I smiled when I read the message.

I smiled even more when I saw who it was from. Well, I smiled and then tears streamed down my face as beautiful moments of remembrance of the times we walked daily together filtered into my heart and mind.

I am more and more convinced that there is so much we all just wish we could say.  And it isn't always wisdom but FEAR that keeps us silent.


We go about our lives suffocating at worse and at best.. well, there isn't a "at best" really...  For those who have bought into the cultural trend of transparency and vulnerability and "being real," my  suggestion is  spend a day cataloging all of what you really don't say, how you actually still meter out your truest opinions and then revisit how much you truly believe in transparency and vulnerability.

AND PLEASE.. whatever you do don't be STUPID.  Don't use this blog or something like this to go off on your boss, or to tell your married co-worker about how much you love her/him.  This is NOT what I am talking about.

I'm talking about your gut.  Your gut instinct.  Your heart.  Who you would be if you dared to be the you, you were created to be....

That's what I'm saying.. this ISN'T license to be obnoxious... if anything what is obnoxious is the culturally relevant idea of transparency...  Hey, listen I bought into it... And I walked... You know what happens when you say you believe something and try to walk in it.. hopefully every place you don't believe in it starts screaming in your face.

Not embracing the word, Hypocrite.. But using the  discrepancy as a launching point,  I step and step and step closer and closer to who I would want to be...

So yeah.. this is actually who I would want to be.. Secrets, lies, cover ups.. well, they almost killed me.  So did caring about the opinion of man and the opinions of the ministry world....  Will I regret one day the ledge I choose to jump off of in this season... I  really can't imagine I would.  I am becoming.  With each step onto the battlefield where the Goliaths of my life stand, I find courage... even if I don't find courage.. I find pieces of myself that I have dropped along the way of living life and I'm picking them up.

I stare back at the army standing on the side lines.. some of which are my "brothers" telling me to go back to the field and just feed my father's sheep.  There are fields to go back to BUT not until this giant is conquered and beheaded.

We aren't even close to done yet!

I'm certainly not.

I wish I could be this woman, mom, minister that writes eloquently upon the truest realities of being a mom, woman, friend, minister of truth and care...  I wish I could be more at peace at times.. I wish there wasn't this rumbling in my gut and shout and desire to kill the giants that scream out lies and fear.

You want to talk honest...

I, the mom of 6, suck at being a mom....

I do.... oh friends.. really I do.. I, in no way shape or form, am the quintessential mom.  I've gotten ok with that over the years but  times when I hear about "great ideas" from pinterest I honestly want to throw up.. when I see pictures on instagram about the really cool things friends/relatives are doing with their kids I think of how great that would be... But most of those things are above my pay grade....

I think the only thing that saves my back side with my kids is that I do so love them.. and I communicate with them concerning my affections and endearments all the time.  I will not be the mom that my kids will say every this or that we did thus and so...  We have very few of those... But my kids know that I champion their lives.. my kids know that they are under girded in life, my kids know that they can risk and fail because of the love that exists in this house for them.. and that.. that my friends, that is worth all the" glue this and put that there," projects in the world.

Did I bunny trail?

NO....

You see that's the heart beat of the Father...

It isn't what things look like, or what you can even do... it isn't that you can perform an image that you think everyone wants to see...  It's that you love.. that you love and be loved... That you walk your life... That you live your life.. your truest life... Don't contort yourself to some image you think everyone wants you to bare... There is an image you are called to bare.. HIS...

This wasn't what I was going to write about today.. that post is actually taking me a moment to wrap my head around.. but I thought the comment so fun that I began to write this first.. I think more than anything I was procrastinating...   So what am I going to write next?

The rantings of a Charismatic coming of age......  All I can say is pray... lol... I sooooooooooooooo need help