There was nothing in me that could have written this yesterday... One day past Mother's Day, Let's see how it goes...

Her mother had passed away.  She is an amazing woman.  I think of her often.  I think of her being held by her mom.  I think that the one person who could really walk alongside her in this season of her life is gone, and I am brought to prayer.


I think of her, who never knew a mom.  Who never knew anything real about what a mom should be...  Never felt the reassuring touch, never felt her hair be brushed off her face, never saw the kindness of a warm smile full of adoration...  I think of her often and I am brought to prayer.

I sat at a table looking at my family.  An eighteen year old son holding his four year old sister,  my sons and my daughters, sitting at a table together in the warm South Carolina air, enjoying the sunshine and each other.
My heart so very full.

Their births, their deaths, their victories, their defeats, their sorrows, their triumphs, their dreams, their nightmares...  The common ordinary day of hanging around the house and being around one another to the days of celebration and moments of achievement.  From the awards to the championships to the birthdays to the day....



We live life together.  They have seen me at my ugliest and they have had my best.



From the words spoken over my life that I should never be a mother, to the moments that maybe made that statement very true to the moments that have made that statement very false.


To the grandiose words I speak over them and their futures to the kind words that I speak over them daily, to the moments where words falter and seem irrelevant, to the quiet moments where nothing needs to be said, to the moments they wish something would be said and I miss the opportunity...



From the moments of when their tiny heart beats were heard for the very first time, to the moments where there was no heart beat to be heard... To the moments I conceived them and to the years that seemed like I couldn't conceive anything....  to the moments where they are well and healthy and strong and to the moments when the doctors look you in the eyes and you both start crying...  to the moments where they are on top of the world feeling like the champion they always are to the moments that life hands them defeat.



There are many days I don't feel equipped or strong enough for this, there are days where it takes everything within my heart to take that next step.. there are days I feel defeated, exhausted, confused, ridiculous and that list goes on and on but so are there the days where I stand in awe, amazed not because of anything done or not done, not because of good decisions made or kind actions done, but I stand amazed at human beings who are beautiful and incredible and mine.


They have changed my life forever... the six I walk with upon the face of the earth and the six I don't, their stories... all of their stories have filled out mine...  and for each one.. whether they were a positive pregnancy test and a heard heart beat or they are the magnificent 18 year old about to embark upon his own life in more fullness... they are mine.


It all gets tied back into the heart beat of God.  On my good days I am His daughter, on my just there days I am His daughter, on the days where I reflect His nature and character and on the days I don't.. I am His.  


Yesterday was somewhat like the journey of motherhood....  quiet moments, louder ones, moments to remember those that aren't with us, moments to celebrate those that are...  laughter and sorrow, siblings being around each other and all that entails, moments where we needed each other, (thinking I could go further in the car then what I could I ran out of gas.. older three boys to the rescue.)  moments where we just realized how much we truly always need each other...


We are family... I'm their mom... they are the most amazing kids...  we are walking together through this journey and we celebrate that reality ..  every day .. some how.. that reality of life and time spent together gets celebrated...