The day it wasn't enough....

Many years ago, in what feels like a life time ago, in all honesty... I stood in a room with other women and found myself thinking, "this isn't enough."


I had a family.


I had a really good church.


I had really good friends.


I had a really good life.


I had title and credibility and forward motion....

I did a 360 in my head that day.. I didn't physically turn around but I felt all turned around inside.  There was something missing.  I couldn't just be satisfied with the friends I had and the life I had... Back in the year 2000 I felt such a stirring.  It wasn't about the relationships I had or the roles I performed there was an ache that would not be satisfied.


Since those moments I have taken more plunges into the unknown and they never get less scary and it always seems more is at stake.  It never feels like I am leaping off of a place of history or trust but it always feels so new and the task daunting.

Sharing doesn't come from this place of confidence in that I know what to expect or even confidence that I know it is worthwhile...  But it is His whispers that keep me going... that's it... I know it seems like there is more than just whispers in my life but seriously friend, the majority of all I walk i n is trusting the whispers.


He isn't ever frail and neither really is my capacity to be lead by Him.. some of that is more assured than even I understand.  Except there are times it feels really frail. In those moments I know not what to do but lean... leaning is the lesson hard won in the wilderness.. it is one I am being tenacious about keeping... it is truly all I know to do...


I remember back to those days when I thought I knew what I was doing.. when I thought I knew what it meant to be prophetic or spiritual or whatever... I remember back to the day when in my head I did a 360 and wanted more....


There isn't a road map.. that got tossed out a long time ago.. Life has taught me to cling and to lean... Life has taught me that the road will almost always look differently than I ever thought.. life has taught me about the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living and about the goodness of the Lord in the valley of the shadows of death... Life has taught me that this world will never be enough...


In taking His hand and in plunging time after time I see the improbable become reality and I learn that to lean and cling truly is the only thing that ever makes anything come even close to being enough...  content in all things but yearning for more.. content and well fed but hungry... drinking and drunk of His grace and love but  thirsty...