We had planned a day. A break from the packing and moving and cleaning. Oh we had done some in the morning but we were planning an afternoon as a family. (Minus the eldest who was away.) Everything was going smoothly. Oldest daughter was helping clean her room and doing some tasks that I had wanted her to help me with, babies were getting along and playing, and the older boys were doing what needed to be done.
Smooth. Right.....
The quiet before the storm maybe....
In the moments that followed what I remember the most was this... IT WAS THE LORD! Not all that would transpire BUT that which would be said. "Write this!!!" Now in those moments I didn't even cringe. Because I figured the Lord would never air our dirty laundry but for His purposes.
I don't write my blog to fascinate the "reality TV crazed" culture. I hopefully write my blog to show life... all forms and facets of it.
And so here was a form and facet of it being played out before my eyes that was raw. You know the kind of things that I KNOW happen in every family. Those moments where it is you and your husband, or you and the kids, or the kids to each other... those moments that you are grateful aren't happening at the Target parking lot or inside the Target, itself. I've seen some of those moments happen publicly and what? What do you feel for those people? Are you just glad it isn't you?
Oh hey, I have had those kids who I said, "NO" to and then walked through the story with the screaming child, only to get to the cashier and hear, "oh so that's the kid I have heard from." Oh yes!! It's happened.
No supermom status here.... those moments are lovely... really lovely....
So in the morning events transpired between siblings. Then came the statements that declared that said sibling wasn't coming anymore, and the young adult who is an amazing human being locked themselves in the bathroom.
My heart sank.
Minutes away from leaving.
Babies packed in the car, everybody ready to go... except one...
Ugly words had transpired between siblings. Feelings had been hurt. And this sibling was not moving.
I had been working in one of the bedrooms. I sat on the bed right near the bathroom door. I laid my head against the door and I spoke to the child. I asked them to come out so that we could talk about that which transpired. Nothing was said back. I began to continue to clean in the room. Picking up dirty laundry. Picking up trash. Picking things up and putting things away. All the while a part of my heart was locked behind closed doors.
Now.... babies were coming in and out asking when we were going to leave, the other child involved in the scenario came in and sadly I glared at said child. Here was the kid who if he could have just kept his mouth closed for 5 more minutes we would all be in the car heading to our "GREAT FAMILY TIME TOGETHER."
As I could feel my heart and eyes glaring I could also feel the heart of the child and I tried, I tried to soften my countenance. Everyone was prickly. Most everyone.
Time kept rolling past.
I was wavering. What do I do? I didn't want to leave the family member home. I wanted all of us that were around to go and be together. I had a kid locked behind a bathroom door and I had babies telling me I had lied because we weren't going yet.
Again, I sat down on the bed by the bathroom door. I began to speak. "I'm sad. That's all. I know I said I wasn't going to leave you behind. But I have babies that really want to go. I'm not manipulating you by saying these words, I just thought you should know. I'm sad. I'm sad that this all happened. I'm sad that the words that were said were said. I'm sad that this is your decision. But it is your decision to not come and I'm sad about that." The door DID NOT come flying open. Not that that was the reason I was saying those things... I wanted him to come. I wanted us all to go and I was sad.
The issue had transpired over a bathing suit. One child was wearing the other child's bathing suit. And you might think that is not a big deal. But if you have lived in a house less than 1200 sq. feet with 7 family members for almost a year, and shared a room with two siblings, your stuff is your stuff and it is a big deal.... It's ok that it is a big deal. What wasn't ok was the way it was handled!
An offer to run to Wal Mart and pick up a bathing suit was made. We would now go in two cars, one would stop and one would head straight to the park. Still no open door. Time kept passing. Babies kept coming in and one in particular, (not the one you would suspect), was very vocal about how we weren't leaving, how we were NEVER going to be leaving, and how I had LIED!
Each moment that passed I kept picking things up, putting them in piles, moving around... trying to pray and not doing a very good job at it at all. I just kept moving about the morning. Trying to be the calm in the storm and yet my own heart was troubled.
Kid emerged. No exclamation point there.. I think he just got tired of sitting in the bathroom in all honesty. But within a few more moments and some cajoling, he was coming.
What started as a day that was right on track and almost got derailed ended with those two siblings walking side by side together in the parking lot heading back to the car. We had some great moments and we had some not so great moments but at the end of the day we are family.
This morning the Lord reminded me about writing this and then in only the way He could He tied it deeper into real life. Once again I was left standing (ok at 5am it was laying in bed but you know what I mean) in AWE...
We are family. There are moments that I am SOOOO glad that happen behind closed doors.
Moments of intimacy, not just making love people.
There are intimate moments between family members, those sweet precious moments.. some aren't even deep. Those moments when Lizzy comes up to me and puts those cubbie toddler arms around my neck and whispers into my ear that I am the love of her life. That IS just for me....
There are crappy moments that happen behind closed doors and I am glad for that too! Those moments where you are at your ugliest. Those moments where you are at your ugliest and you are glad that there is no one around. Those moments where hurt, or exhaustion, or disappointment or plain old anger get in the way and you are as raw and as real as it comes. Those moments where personalities rub up against each other and what emerges isn't pretty.
Yup.. that's family. Intimate moments. Moments of knowing one another... moments of cherishing one another.. moments of clobbering one another.. but moments of being together...there are just those moments where nothing is happening but you are together... moments of life and living. The good, the bad, the ugly and the just plain... but that is what makes us family.
The Lord began to call to mind all the conferences I have been at, all the places I have gone.... those moments weren't family. Oh I understand the annual "family" conference. And I have loved them. Those moments where you see the faces you haven't seen all year, or maybe a few years have passed.
In those moments you catch up and cherish each other, recall the times and life you have spent together.... good times, sad times, hard times, times... But when things are once a year YOU AREN'T living life together!!! You aren't having to day in and day out walk through those things that wrinkle and rub up against each other and HAVE to be sorted out because you are living together NOT JUST VISITING!
Yet the Lord also called to mind the moments, when upon a staff, witnessing the precious intimate moments of a ministry or organization that isn't for the masses, or conference attendees. Those moments where the staff member comes in and just needs strength and support and all that are around circle around and pray.
Those moments, after all the work is done and all those that have participated have left, those quiet moments where exhausted.. utterly exhausted staff members look around and start laughing and chatting and just being together.. those moments... Those precious sweet moments when being around each other just makes life better.
With biological family there isn't always the choice... but with Church and ministry "family" there is.. there is choice... I've been called "family" and called people, "family" only for days to then come and for there to be a parting of ways.
Yup...IN FAMILIES we see each other's weakest moments, ugliest moments... moments of lack, moments of anger, moments of disappointment.. we also see one another first thing in the morning and last thing at night, or as often as we most possibly can.... In families we are more exposed then maybe we even feel comfortable with... In families there are those moments that arrive where you are either going to stay and fight for the family so that all go on an outing, or you are going to fold and any number of scenarios ensue....
Life changes... shifts... families are added to and taken away from... What I am remembering more than anything is at the end of the day yesterday two brothers walking side by side across a parking lot.... That picture and pictures like it make everything in between worth the battle... worth the time...
Living life together with those that surround us and our days....
I've been the visitor and the one that comes around every now and then... and I've been the family member... It's easier being the visitor but I wouldn't trade being family for anything... And I've been in the family during the best of days and the worst of times and in those moments the things that are forged and the lessons that are learned and the time that is spent that is what it is all for...
Those faces that aren't just part of a crowd but are part of your heart... a part of your very being... That's family.
No comments:
Post a Comment